Greetings from your Friday guy during this challenging time of the COVID-19 pandemic. It’s hard to even think about being happy that it is Friday. For those of you who are not retired, you may now be experiencing that sense that there is not much difference from one day to the next, that we have experienced since we retired. Now, that we are all “sheltered in place” or self-isolated, it’s hard to keep track of what day (or month) it is! Right? And we are all wondering when that peak of the curve is going to arrive and so have something postive to look forward to. For now, we just have to hunker down and avoid contact with others. They call it “social distancing” but I heard that someone say that it ought to be “physical distancing” instead. We all need to be social, whether it’s at a 6 foot distance, or via Zoom gatherings.
I wish I had bought stock in Zoom a few months ago. Our church has been using it for so many things during the last month, including Sunday services and other group meetings during the week. It’s great!
As with any event or crisis, you know it’s only a matter of time before a lot of new or updated old humor comes out about it. So, it is also the case with COVID-19. So, I offer you a lot of that today.
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Somethings to Ponder While We Self-Isolate
“We are about three weeks away from knowing everyone’s true hair color.”
“Apparently, this year is being written by Stephen King.”
“You might as well go ahead and pronounce the ‘L’ in ‘salmon.’ Nothing matters anymore.”
“Day 2 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently she’s my wife. Seems nice.”
“Like a good neighbor, stay over there.”
“If you self-quarantine for your family’s safety, please be smart. I cannot afford to go to 15 baby showers in December.”
“Actually, it’s only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France; otherwise it’s just sparkling isolation.”
“I’d hate to see a diarrhea virus break out right now. People would buy up all the nasal spray.”
On a photo of empty store shelves: “Y’all have Walmart looking like the Cleveland Browns’ trophy case.”
Atop a drawing of Keith Richards holding a cigarette: “Coronavirus barometer. If he goes, we all go.”
With a photo of a guy wearing a medical mask and looking out a window: “Day 6 of no sports. Watching birds fight over worms. Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3-1.”
Over a photo of a guy wearing a plain white T-shirt: “2020 NCAA Champions Shirts, $19.95.”
“Day 3 of working from home and my wife has filed two sexual harassment claims with HR.”
Above a photo of a hand with words written all over the palm in ink: “I washed my hands so much that my exam notes from 1995 resurfaced.”
“Back in the day, there was so much toilet paper that people used to literally string it up in the trees of their enemies.”
A cartoon with two dinosaurs, one of them a Tyrannosaurus rex, which has long legs, a huge mouth and very short arms. Brontosaurus: “Cover your mouth when you cough.” T-Rex: “I [bleeping] can’t!”
“Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly … next week, turn signals.”
“You know that stash of fastfood napkins in your glovebox? It’s their turn to shine.”
Over a photo of Rod Serling: “Imagine no restaurants, bars, concerts or sports. You just entered The Twilight Zone.”
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Inner Peace
(This is an old one but seems to apply to our present circumstances of remaining at home.)
Heard a Dr. on TV say to have inner peace during these uncertain times that we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house for things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Scotch, a bottle of Tequila, a bodle of some old Pinot, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telumuluvum.
* * * * * * * *
- My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
- Many parents are just about to discover the teacher is not the problem.
- Sneezes went from bless you to fuck you real quick.
- First time in history we can save the human race by laying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let's not screw it up.
- Reminder: 9pm is the time to remove your day pajamas and put your night pajamas on.
- My cleaning lady just messaged to say she will be working from home and will send me instructions on what to do.
- We're about two weeks away from seeing everyone's true hair color.
- What's worse: two masked guys trying to rob you or your unmasked pizza delivery guy?
- I've almost completed my 90 day trial of 2020. How do I cancel?
- Day 3 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently she's my wife. She seems nice.
- Anyone else feel like life is being written by a fourth grader? "And there was this virus and everyone was scared. And then the world ran out of toilet paper. Yeah, and then there was like no school for a month."
- Anyone have a recipe to make toilet paper out of cauliflower?
- If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine, you probably should have been seeing a doctor long before covid-19.
- Looks like we'll also need to bail out our political and science fiction writers, and retrain them to be historians.
- Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly: Next week-- turn signals!!!
* * * * * * * *
Scene: Two female friends meeting in person after the pandemic obliged them to isolate for weeks.
Visiting woman: Good to see you Mary. Where is your husband?
Mary: He’s in the garden.
Visiting woman: That’s funny. I didn’t see him there.
Mary: You just have to dig a bit more.
* * * * * * * *
Another Coronavirus inspired scene:
Man being interviewed about his self-isolation plans and options:
Interviewer: Which of the following would you prefer? A) Isolate with your wife and child or, B) …
Man interrupts interviewer saying: B, B, B!!!
* * * * * * * *
Enough of the Pandemic Humor. It’s time for a TGIF Golden Classic
A man, a miss,
A car, a curve.
He kissed the miss,
And missed the curve.
Burma Shave
I'm sure that Burma Shave actually saved some lives. People laughed
and they were more careful! It was a real 'service' to America, even
though it was an advertisement, and it was one of the rare 'really useful' ones!
A car, a curve.
He kissed the miss,
And missed the curve.
Burma Shave
I'm sure that Burma Shave actually saved some lives. People laughed
and they were more careful! It was a real 'service' to America, even
though it was an advertisement, and it was one of the rare 'really useful' ones!
To my 'Old-As-Dirt' friends and for those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's.
Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2-lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing one line of a 4-line couplet and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.
DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave
TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP.
Burma Shave
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE.
Burma Shave
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT.
Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING.
Burma Shave
BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER.
Burma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT.
Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE.
Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU.
Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPING
Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY.
Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE.
Burma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING.
Burma Shave
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW.
Burma Shave
Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you're merely a child.
If they do - then you're old as dirt LIKE ME!
But this does not include my favorite one:
THIRTY DAYS
HATH SEPTEMBER
APRIL, JUNE AND
THE SPEED OFFENDER
Burma Shave
* * * * * * * *
I lived in Ohio as a little boy and my first memories are from there. At 4 or so, I remember getting lost in a Penny’s store when I was shopping with my Dad. I think I freaked out, feeling lost and abandoned and was crying. I had wandered off, no doubt, and ended up in a different isle. The shock of that probably made me remember it. I also remember driving the countrysides with my parents and seeing the MailPouch tabacco painted barns and the Burma Shave signs. I remember that my Dad loved those signs and I too came to like them and look for them when we drove around. In fact, I think I inherited my Dad’s sick sense of humor. He used to say, as we approached a train crossing, “I think a train just came by here.” We’d say, “How do you know?” And he would respond, “Because, it left it’s tracks!” (We used to love to count the number of train cars on a long train that we were obliged to wait for at the crossing. They were often more than 100.) We also used to play a game to while away the time during long road trips in the family car. It was called “Cat in the Window”. You got so many points for seeing certain farm animals, like 10 points for a cow, 20 points for a horse, 5 points for a dog, etc. Once you reached 100 points, in order to win, you had to be the first one to spot a “cat in the window”. That wasn’t always so easy!
Hope that you are all well and stay that way. Be smart and stay safe!
Until next week, take care!
TGI-Jeff
