Greetings to all you Friday faithful from a white and cold Vermont. I finally got out on the ski slopes and in the last 3 weeks I’ve skied twice each week. Once I got my ski legs after a few short days of skiing at Okemo (the nearby mountain where I have a mid-week pass) I did ski 2 days with oldest son Jonathan last week. It was great. Then this week I skied about 14 runs on Tuesday, including a pretty serious crash on about run #10 where I did what is known as a “yard sale” – losing both skis and poles and even my goggles. I slid another 25 yards down the hill as I was probably going about 30 mph and it was a bit steep. My goggles had fogged up and with limited vision I couldn’t see where I was going and ….. it happens. Two nice ladies helped gather up all my stuff and get it to me, although I had to walk up the hill about 20 yards. On a lift later, I recounted this story to the guys next to me. When they heard about the nice ladies who assisted me, they concluded that that is why I crashed. One guy said that he warned his wife about guys like me!
Despite a sore knee from my crash on Tuesday, I did ski yesterday with Dianne’s son Jerett and three of his friends, at Okemo. It was fun to show them the mountain and try different trails, all of which they liked. I quit at noon and they (early 40-somethings) continued well into the afternoon. I guess when you live in Illinois or Connecticut or Massachusetts, you don’t get many opportunities for good Vermont skiing. They skied Stratton on Tuesday, Bromley on Wednesday and Okemo with me on Thursday.
We had a pretty cold January and early February around here. Twice we were expecting big snowstorms that would drop about a foot of snow. No such luck! Each time we only got about an inch or so. Hardly worth shoveling!
I can’t believe I’m doing another one of these, just two weeks after the last one. Well, that’s thanks to old family friend Debba, who continues to send me all kinds of stuff, some old and some new, and some old but ones you all have forgotten; so I plod on with the help of Debba.
We are coming upon the 2022 Super Bowl this weekend, on Sunday. Neither my Patriots nor Tom Brady are in this one; but I look forward to it. Cincinnati, a team who has not won a super bowl in 30 years are a surprise participant and probably the underdog. But I love underdogs! They have already won twice in the playoffs as underdogs, so why not a third time?! Their opponent will be the LA Rams. Their quarterback played for one of the worst teams in the league for a dozen years and was traded to the Rams before this season. They already had a good team and he has made it a bit better. So, they have a good chance. Plus they will be playing on their home field in LA. It’s the second consecutive year that one of the teams in the Super Bowl will be playing on their home field/stadium. That certainly helped Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Bucs win it last year in Tampa Bay. I’ll put my money on Joe Burrow and the underdog Bengals.
An Infinite Loop
Infinite loop is a computer programming concept, describing a situation of cause and effect that continues forever, one action causing another action that causes the first action etc. etc. These loops never happen in real life, unless…
A company CEO tells his secretary: "Next week we're going to a convention abroad and spend some quality time together, please make all the required arrangements."
The secretary calls her husband: "Next week the boss is taking me abroad for a week on business, please take care of yourself during this time."
The husband calls his lover: "My wife is going abroad for a week, lets spend it together…"
The lover, a private school teacher, tells the children: "Because of a personal problem, I will not be at school next week, so you'll be studying at home."
One of the kids went to his grandfather and said: "Grandpa, next week I don't have school, you promised me that if I had time off we'd go to the mountains together."
The grandfather, who was also the CEO, calls his secretary and tells her: "My grandson asked me to spend the week with him, so we're not going abroad."
The secretary calls her husband: "The boss cancelled, we'll be together, my love."
The husband calls his lover: "We can't spend the week together, my wife is staying."
The lover tells the kids: "My problem was solved, school is back on."
The kid goes to the grandfather: "Sorry grandpa, school is back on, I won't be able to go."
The CEO calls his secretary: "My grandson won't be able to spend next week with me, rebook the flight abroad."
The secretary calls her husband....
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How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away???!!!
Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.
When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so.
He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting with someone.
"Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then I will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and I had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.
Through teary and bleary eyes, she read: I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy some bread."
* * * * * * * *
More Than an A for Effort
After 20 years of work, a successful gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and decided that, even though this is all he knew, he would seek new career for himself.
Hoping to try a career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic, as working in a garage is always something he thought he might be good at. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career."
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The Two Crocodiles
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River. After a few hours just lying about, the smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.' 'Well,' said the big Croc, 'What have you been eating?' 'Well, mostly politicians that come here with their mistresses, same as you!' replied the small Croc. 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' 'On the other side of the river near the car park.' 'Same here. Hmm... Tell me your method. How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc. 'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the c*ap out of them and eat 'em!' 'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the c*ap out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an a**hole with a briefcase.'
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The Smart Russian Jew
A Russian Jew was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel.
At Moscow Airport customs found a statue of Lenin in his baggage and asked, “What is this?”
The man replied, "'What is this?’ Wrong question, comrade. You should have asked, ‘Who is he?’ This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero."
The Russian customs officer let him go without further inspection.
At the Tel Aviv Airport the Israeli customs officer also asked our friend: "What is this?"
He replied, "'What is this?’ Wrong question, sir. You should be asking 'Who is this?' This is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day.”
The Israeli customs officer said, "I apologize, sir, you are cleared to go.”
Settling into his new house, he put the statue on a table and to celebrate his immigration he invited his friends and relatives to dinner.
One of his friends asked, "Who is this?”
He replied, “My dear friend, 'Who is this?’ is the wrong question.
You should have asked 'What is this?' This is ten kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without paying any customs duty and tax."
MORAL: Politics is when you can tell the same shit in different ways to fool a different audience and allow you to look good in every situation.
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The Thirsty Taliban
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail, little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling COVID protection masks.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a mask? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your masks. I need water!”
"Sorry, I have none, just masks - and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your masks! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a mask from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a mask!”
* * * * * * * *
Bronze Statue of a Siamese Cat
A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around. Suddenly, he gazes upon the most stunning bronze statue of a Siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $200 for the statue and $2000 for the story that goes with it." The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do want the statue." As the man is paying for the statue, the shop owner says "All right, but I guarantee you will be back for the story." The man walks out of the shop and starts down the street carrying the cat statue. When he comes to the crosswalk, he happens to glance behind him and sees 3 or 4 cats sitting about 10 feet away, looking at him. He shrugs it off and crosses when the light changes. He goes several more blocks and, at another crosswalk, looks behind himself again. This time there are about 30 cats sitting there looking at him. The man starts to get a little nervous and picks up his pace when the light changes. By the time the man reaches the pier at the end of the street, he has now been running for several blocks. He was running because every time he turned around, there were more and more cats behind him. He looked like the pied piper. When he got to the end of the pier, he turned around once more and saw at least 2000 cats sitting there looking at him. There were so many cats that there was no way to get off the pier without going through them and he knew there was no way he was going to do that. In a panic, he turned toward the water and heaved the statue as far as he could. Amazingly, all of the cats ran right past him and jumped in the water after the statue and never came out. The man, still shaking from his ordeal, immediately started running back to the shop. As he burst through the door, the shop owner saw him and said, "I told you that you'd be back for the story!" "To heck with the story," gasps the man, "do you have a statue of a politician??"
* * * * * * * *
I guess that is where we have come to. We all despise politicians! But half of us hate the ones on the left and half of us – the ones on the right. So, what gives?
We’ve been enjoying watching the Beijing Winter Olympics, although I usually fall asleep before the nights big events happen. Happy to see that Nathan Chen won gold, but hoping Mikaela Shiffrin bounces back from her unfortunate early runs and DNQs.
So, enjoy your Fridays and the whole weekend! Go Bengals!!!
It’ll be a Super Sunday if the Bengals do win for Cincinnati!
Don’t forget to send me your joke contributions. One cannot live on Debba alone!
TGI-Jeff
