Greetings from your Friday guy. On the eve of this week’s Friday, I must say it has been a bit of an unusual day. It was only 33 this morning and only warmed to about 40 even though the sun was out much of the day. But in the afternoon, there were periods of snow flurries! Then the sun came out again and was a bright spring sun. Everyone around here is waiting for spring to break out in full swing. I’ve managed to pick up some of the many downed branches on the lawn and moved my winter stuff into the barn and moved some (repeat only some) of my summer stuff out of the barn and onto the deck or in the garage. But still no need to pull out all the chairs and the barbeque grill and the screens for the windows. Maybe next week.
My local golf course opened last weekend but I haven’t been out yet. We’ve had some rain and the temperatures are not yet high even to be comfortable walking the course. Also – maybe next week! I also still haven’t gone for a bike ride yet, although the bike is in the garage and ready to go. I hope the town crews come along with the street sweepers and clean up the winter mess of sand and torn up pavement.
Last Sunday I was the guest of an old college friend at a Red Sox game at Fenway. It was fun, although a bit breezy and cool. It’s always nice to attend a game or two at Fenway each year. But then the rest of them I am happy to listen to on the radio (when I am doing something else) or catch them on TV. Besides, here at home the beer is cheaper and the restroom facilities a lot closer.
Time to dip into the large TGIF joke bag. Thanks for all you who have contributed!
After having reviewed all of the material in this week’s TGIF message, I see a theme of “communications” – meaning a lot of stuff about really bad communications.
Golf Ball Marker
Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar. The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in, and hands him a dime.
FYI: This economic model is also used by the U.S. government.
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Keep it simple stupid. Sometimes stupid simple is just the best!
Mensa Confronts the Salt and Pepper Shakers
Some years ago, there was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco.
Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe.
When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa minds.
The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains pepper "
But before they could finish the waitress interrupted them. “Oh, sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles, and switched them.
There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
This reminds me of our government: solutions could be so simple, but the brilliant minds in Washington have to make them complicated.
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C L A S S I F I E D S
These four classified ads appeared in a Kuwaiti newspaper on four consecutive days. The last three hopelessly try to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the Classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who loves with him."
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 2555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit.
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Doctor Bumbutu
A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.
Dr. Bumbutu advised her as follow: “Every day after your shower, rub your chest and chant, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!”
She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew to a terrific D-cup size.
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, “Are you a patient of Dr.Bumbutu?”
“Yes I am. How did you know?”
He winked and whispered, “Hickory dickory dock” . . . . .
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A Curmudgeon's Perspective
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change the name for the bathroom from "the John" and renamed it "the Jim." I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
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Outdoors Adventuresome Woman
During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level.
The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
The doctor asked her “Doing what?”
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk, about 7 miles, through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors woman!"
"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really, terrible golfer."
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Really Bad Conductor
The joke above reminds me of the old silly joke about the conductor on a London bus who was really awful at his job. My son Jonathan loved that joke. If any of you can find that one or have it in your archives, please send it in and I’ll use it in a future edition.
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The Text Message
(to Bob from his neighbor Alan)
Hi Bob, this is Alan next door. I'm sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much.... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Regards, Alan.
THE ACTIONS
Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice, killing her instantly.
He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone to respond to Alan's text and saw he had another message:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I'm sure you noticed, my predictive text changed 'WiFi' to 'Wife'.
Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.
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And speaking of text messages, here is another one:
Husband’s Text Message to wife
Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays. Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches. I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife’s Response:
Who's Paula?
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GOT MY CONCEALED GUN PERMIT YESTERDAY ......and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.
When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
I still don't think I looked that bad.
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Time for the weekly TGIF Golden Classic. This one is so true that some of us might not find it very funny - - - just really pathetic.
God and Lawn Care
GOD to ST. FRANCIS :
Frank , .... You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
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I wish Joya and Christopher a nice trip to San Diego. They will be spending time there with Phil and also my sister, Noreen. Phil broke his elbow while at Coachella and is having to have some surgery to repair it. Hope it goes well!
As for the rest of you, I hope you all have an enjoyable Friday and a wonderful weekend!
Hope to be back next week with another edition. Cheers.
TGI-Jeff
