Greetings from your occasional “Friday Guy”! I try, but there is just so much else to do that keeps me away from my “hobby/duty” on Thursday evenings. I guess I could say that “Life gets in the way”.
We’ve had some snow here but at the time of this writing, we have very little on the ground. I went skiing these last few days, just long enough to start to get my legs in shape for it. My leg muscles are quite sore, and my bad knee is complaining a bit during the night. I learned many years ago that the only thing to do to get in shape for skiing is “to go skiing”!
One positive about issuing only occasional TGIF messages is that joke contributions tend to accumulate a bit, so that I have some choice from what’s in the jokes bag to select from. I have even received some material from some friends who hardly ever before sent me anything. I know that I used to threaten you all that I will drop you from the membership list if you don’t contribute; but I think you realize that I would not really do that. A few of you “non-contributors” have even sent me messages, when not receiving a TGIF message in weeks, wondering if I had dropped them from the list due to the lack of contributions. However, if you really feel bad, I’ll accept cash, check, money order or credit card info.
The Little Old Lady
An old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500".
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $2,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why ...
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “My apologies Ma'am, you have $35 million in your account and our bank doesn't have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to $250,000.
"Well, please let me have $250,000 now", she requested. The teller did so quickly, then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her elderly client.
The old lady put $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $249,500 back into her account.
Don’t be difficult with old people; they spent a lifetime learning the skills!
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Speeding
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer.
“I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say…!"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."
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Puppy Dog Training
A retired couple were ecstatic with their purchase of a Labrador retriever puppy. They started his training a few days after his arrival. One of the trainer's suggestions was that they teach him go into his crate overnight, every night.
A few days after starting the training the couple was getting ready to go to bed. The husband brought the Lab puppy into the bedroom and had him lie down in the corner. The wife asked him why the puppy was not in his crate. The man replied that he was continuing the dog's training. He wanted the puppy to learn how to beg, so he thought it would be a good idea to have the dog watch him in bed for 10 or 15 minutes. The wife agreed that this was an outstanding idea. She said that after the husband was finished, she would teach the dog to roll over and play dead.
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The Blonde in the Ice Cream Shop
A blonde woman walks into an ice cream shop and asks for a chocolate shake.
The employee says, “Sorry, Ma’am, but we are all out of chocolate. We have vanilla and strawberry.”
She says, “Oh, ok then I’ll have a scoop of chocolate.”
“Sorry, but there is no chocolate. Only vanilla and strawberry.”
She thinks about it and then says, “Ok, then I’ll have a chocolate cone.”
Frustrated, the kid behind the counter tells her, “I’d like you to spell ‘van’, like in vanilla.”
V-a-n.
“Ok, now spell ‘straw’, like in strawberry”
S-t-r-a-w.
“Now, spell ‘fuck’, like in chocolate.”
She thinks about it for a second and then says, “There’s no ‘fuck’ in chocolate.”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! There’s no fuckin’ chocolate.”
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Charlie
Two friends were walking their dogs on a warm July day when they came upon a tavern. First friend says, “A cold drink sounds good about now.”. His friend replies, “It sure does, but we can’t go in with our dogs.”. First friend says, “I have an idea.”, and adjusts his sunglasses and walks into the tavern and orders a beer. Bartender says, ”Hey, we don’t allow dogs in here!” The man replies, “It’s my seeing eye dog.” The bartender apologizes and gets him his drink. Second guy walks in wearing sunglasses with his dog and, again the bartender says they don’t allow dogs in the tavern. Man says it’s his seeing eye dog and the bartender says “A Chihuahua’s a seeing eye dog?”, and the man replies, “What?!? They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Phyllis A
I don’t know any jokes but my favourite funny quote is from Bob Newhart.
“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means put down.”
Karen S
Q: Why weren’t there any apples on Noah’s Ark?
A: Because they were too busy loading the pairs!
A Dad Joke I know, but gets a chuckle out of most people who hear it.
Deborah G
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night. I'm in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Joseph Z
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic….
….. about halfway!
Michael M
My grandson took me to a bar one evening. We had been there a little while, at a table of our own away from the bar, when the bartender suddenly called out, “Does anyone here know CPR?" After a few moments of silence, I answered back. "I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed and laughed. Well, except for this one guy.
Monica H
Did you hear about the lawyer with the jurisprudential fetish? He got off on a technicality.
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Noisy Boys
A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began... One afternoon early into the first semester, a group of loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The boys were more than happy and continued to bang on the bins every day on their walk home. After a week, the old man walked out and greeted the kids again. However, this time, he didn’t have a smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income." he told them. "I'm going to have to cut it down to 50¢ a day to keep you kids banging the bins.” The kids were obviously unimpressed, but they accepted the reduction in payment and continued their afternoon activities. A few days later, the man approached them again. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my retirement checks yet so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25¢ to bang on the bins. Will that be okay?" "That's it!?" the 'drum leader' exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these around for 25¢ a day, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days...
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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic
And That’s How the fight started!
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes',
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My goodness!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started..
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started...
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That’s all for this issue. In addition to wishing you all a wonderful weekend, I will also wish you Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year 2024!
TGI-Jeff
