Greetings from your TGIF Friday guy, from a “wintry mix” environment here in Vermont. It’s that time of year when we usually have a “January thaw” which lasts a few days or week. However, despite the “climate change deny’ers”, the January thaw has lasted most of the month. The daily temperatures have rarely been below freezing this month. So, instead of getting only snow, we’ve been getting a mix of rain, freezing rain, sleet and some snow. We had some snowstorms in December that helped the ski areas. But lately it’s been the dreaded “wintry mix” whenever there is precipitation. So, the skiing is not good. The roads are not good. And the science of climate change is now a hoax! Heaven help us!
Today is Mozart’s birthday. He’s 261. You can go on Facebook and wish him a nice day!
But don’t hold your breath for a reply. (More on this date at the end of this message!)
I’ve got a variety of stuff to share with you today. I hope I don’t offend too many of you. It’s a struggle to find the right balance of stuff that doesn’t overly offend some of you and still satisfy that need to laugh and sometimes laugh at ourselves.
Let’s see what I have to share:
A Case of Racial Profiling
Bar in Terminal 3
I was standing at the bar in Terminal 3 at the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says, "No I don't. And why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little shit."
* * * * * * * *
TGIF Editor’s Note: And I guarantee you – under the new Trump administration, you’re going to start getting a lot more like this one above!
Earthquake in the Middle East
A large earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East. Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.
Iraq, Iran and Syria were totally ruined and the governments asked for help to rebuild.
Iraq, Iran and Syria were totally ruined and the governments asked for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world was in shock.
Great Britain sent troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia sent oil and monetary assistance.
Latin American countries sent clothing.
New Zealand and Australia sent sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries sent labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Canada sent medical teams and supplies.
The new American President, Donald Trump, not to be outdone, sent two million replacement Muslims.
Is Sex Work...?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a
question to all assembled.
question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to
get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of
sex was "work", and how much of it was "pleasure?"
get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of
sex was "work", and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his
state of inebriation at the time.
state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it has to
be 100% pleasure.
be 100% pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it
for them."
for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man!
Super heroes don't wear capes, they wear Dog Tags.
Super heroes don't wear capes, they wear Dog Tags.
* * * * * * * *
The Dead Cow Lecture
First-year students at the Purdue School of Veterinarian Medicine were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body. For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting, etc.
When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said: "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
* * * * * * * *
Male Self-Examination For Alzheimer's Disease
If you are male and over 50 years old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's test. How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S
Scroll Down.......
Answers:
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong...didn't you? The good news is you do NOT have Alzheimer's. You are a pervert.
* * * * * * * *
Here are a few thoughts to ponder:
If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent??
Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
And one final thought:
Why are hemorrhoids called “Hemorrhoids” instead of “Assteroids”?
* * * * * * * *
Rye Bread
The 70-year-old was amazed at the seventy-five year old guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 75-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 70-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me.
TGIF Editor’s Note: The above contribution came from a friend of my brother’s (who is also a friend of mine). It reminded me of a really old joke that I think I heard first when I was in college. Let me see if I can still tell it; for the first time in more than 40 years or so. (But who’s counting? Right?)
Raisin Bread
A guy learned from a friend in the locker room at the gym that at the local bakery, there was a really cute young woman who worked at the front counter. And in order to get the raisin bread, she had to climb up the ladder to fetch it from the top shelf. Well, that gave the customers quite a good view or her “derriere”, especially as she wore a very short skirt (like a mini-skirt). Anyway, this guy goes into the bakery and is waiting in line behind several other men, who all seem to be ordering raisin bread. After going up and down several times, she sees the new guy while she is up at the top of the ladder, fetching a raisin bread for the man in front of him, and she asks, “Is your’s raisin too?”
He replied “No, but it’s quivering a bit”!
TGIF Editor’s Note: Now I want to make it clear that I don’t condone male locker room talk!
* * * * * * * *
TGIF Golden Classics
I can say that I have several contributions this week that qualify as Golden Classics:
Little Boys Learning to Cuss
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess
I'll have some Cheerios.
I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out,
with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay
there until I let you out!"
there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet
your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
* * * * * * * *
The Breeding Bulls
A guy and his wife went to the Pennsylvania Farm Show and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that read:
THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR
His wife playfully nudged him in the ribs, smiled and said, "Mating 50 times last year means an average that's almost once a week."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that read:
THIS SPECIAL BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR
Again his wife gave him a healthy jab and said, "WOW...that's almost 3 times a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that read, in bold capital letters:
THIS OUTSTANDING BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
The wife got so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s ribs. She exclaimed, "My god... that's once a day; you could REALLY learn something from this one!"
He looked at her and said, "Go over and ask his owner if it was with the same cow."
* * * * * * * *
The Italian Poker Club
Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"
So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.
* * * * * * * *
Those last 3 are “oldies but goodies”!
This day is my sister-in-law’s birthday. Happy Birthday Martha! It was also her older sister’s birthday, Pam. My Pam would have been 66 today. So, it’s a difficult day for some of us. We miss her.
Wish you all a fabulous Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
