TGIF Jokes: 2014

Pam Taft-Dick (1951-2014)

Pamela Sue Taft-Dick (1951-2014)

Rest In Peace

TGIF - 23 May 2014

Greetings from Mr. TGI-Jeff. Yes, I am still alive and well, despite the fact that I haven’t issued a Friday message in a long time. I’m happy to note that a few of you even noticed.

Thanks to my laziness and the fact that a few of you keep sending along potential TGIF material, this week’s edition is a bit longer than usual.

So, let’s jump in right away. But first, Pam noticed a letter to the editor of one of our local newspapers about a month back. Prior to this letter, it seems that a certain Mr. Templeton had written a letter highlighting the benefits of a vegetarian diet and the avoidance of eating meat and espousing having a “meatout”.

Here is a response from another Vermonter:

In response to Mr. Templeton and his letter to the editor (about not eating meat), “Support the Meatout,” I’m not exactly planning a “meatout” to celebrate springtime in Vermont. I like veggies as much as the next person and do plan on getting my fill of them.

My celebrations will be a barbecue of burgers and dogs, and, of course, chicken smothered in barbecue sauce cooked to perfection on the old grill. I don’t care much for legumes, but me and the boys will party with veggies, like barley and hops from none other than Mr. John Barleycorn. Good, old, brewed in Vermont beer - ice-cold thirst quenchers.

Meanwhile, my horse will be munching on his grains and oats. He’s into the meatout.

Tom King, Shaftsbury, VT

* * * * *

Why It Is Important to be Multi-lingual

An Indian Sardaaji visits a 5-star hotel. As he sat enjoying his juice, a very beautiful lady came to his table, asked him something in French, which he didn't understand.

He invited her to sit down, took a napkin and drew a picture of a juice glass. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of juice for her.

After a while, he took another napkin, drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.

When they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a screw.

Till this day, the Sikh is trying to figure out how she knew that he owns a hardware shop in Mumbai.

* * * * *

The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

* * * * *

Catholic Shampoo

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, "WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT COUNTER."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECKOUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER.

"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT "CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER, PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."

* * * * *

The Amazing Italian

A traveling salesman drove into a small town where a circus was visiting.

A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Italian.'

The intrigued salesman
bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male
member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd
erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their
shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the
same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, 'Don't Miss The
Amazing Italian'.

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much
less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and
smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd
went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible' he told the Italian, 'but I have to know something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Well,' said the Italian, 'my eyes aren't what they used to be.'

* * *

(TGIF Editor’s Note: How people think up these jokes is ridiculous!)

* * * * *

Ramblings of a Retired Senior’s Mind

TGIF Editor’s Note: Some of these are old, but some are not – or I don’t remember them. So, I’m hoping you have that same memory problem!

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Gentle Thoughts for Today -

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then poop on your car.

A penny saved is . . . a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is . . . probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. (Amen to that!)

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

TGIF Editor’s Note: I think it was George Bernard Shaw who said “The trouble with “youth” is that it is wasted on the young”!

* * * * *

Is There Golf in Heaven?

Two mature golfing buddies were also best friends.

When it was clear that Gene was dying, Peter visited him every day.

One day Peter said, "Gene, we both loved playing golf all our lives, please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's golf there."

Gene looked up at Peter from his deathbed and said, "Peter, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Gene died.

A few weeks later, Peter was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Peter! Peter !"

"Who is it," asked Peter, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Peter -- it's me, Gene Gleason"

"You're not Gene. Gene just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Gene!"

"Gene, Where are you?"

"In heaven," said Gene. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Peter.

"The good news is that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies are here too. Even better, we're all young again. Better still, it's always summertime and it never rains!"

"Best of all, we can play golf all we want, and never get tired; and we get to play with all the Greats of the past.

"That's fantastic," said Peter "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're in my foursome this Saturday"

* * *

I bet you saw that coming!!!

* * * * *

It is time for the TGIF Golden Classic, although some of the above material could have also classified…….

What’s the Moral of the Story

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Barbara. Aunty Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay away from Aunty Barbara when she's pissed.

* * * * * * * *

I will end this with a big thanks to all of you who send me contributions. If I don’t use what you have sent, it could be that it’s an old one - - - but not old enough to qualify for the TGIF Golden Classic section; OR it could be one that I will use in a future edition. So, thanks to those of you who do send/forward stuff to me. Without you, there would be no TGIF. Cheers!

Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 04 April 2014

Greetings once again from the Friday guy who has missed several recent Fridays due to travel and laziness. I did finally make my annual week trip to Colorado where I saw a number of old friends and skied with my brother and other of his/our friends. And speaking of skiing, I’ve been enjoying some nice spring skiing here during the last week as well. We are finally getting warmer days, although it cools down a lot at night, which is good for the maples to produce the sap that is extracted and turned into maple syrup. I am trying to understand the new names of the new grading system of the types of maple syrup. But a rose by any other name would smell as sweet!

At the beginning of this week, we still had a foot of snow on our lawn, while just a hundred miles south of here it is all gone. However a couple of warm and sunny days have melted quite a bit of it. We are in for one heck of a mud season!

Let’s see what is happening in our nation’s capital and its politics to start off this week’s edition.

Obama's approval rating is at an all-time low. He has a plan to make him look better. It is called letting Joe Biden make a speech.

* * *

The White House announced a change to Obamacare. They keep making adjustments. They say people can now keep their insurance plans for two more years. When asked what would happen after two years, Obama said, "After two years, I don't give a damn."

* * *

Reverend Al Sharpton (longtime civil rights activist early on with Martin Luther King) commented recently on the conservative right's constant criticism of President Obama: "If he walked on water they'd say it was because he couldn't swim!"

* * *

Jimmy Fallon (the new host of The Tonight Show) recently said "8% of Republicans want Chris Christie to run for President in 2016; 0% want him to jump onto the other end of their seesaw."

* * * * *

From the Confessional

A Man walked into a Washington D.C. Catholic Church Confessional. He tells the Priest "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I bumped off a Congressman."

The Priest responds: "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not discuss your community service work!"

* * * * *

Lenten Humour

Each Friday night after work, whether there is sun, snow or rain, Jack, being from Newfoundland, would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.

But, all of Jack's neighbours were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: "You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic."

Jack's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighbourhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbours, and, as he rushed into Jack's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a codfish."

* * * * *

The Talking Clock

A couple of guys are leaving the bar at closing time, when one says to the other, "Hey, you ought to see my new apartment."

A little later, making their way through the apartment they arrive at the bedroom. Dwarfing all else in the room is a large gong.

"What in the world is that?" asks the guest.

"That's my talking clock."

"Talking clock? How does that work?"

"Just watch." And the guy rears back and pounds the gong with tremendous effect.

Through the wall from the next apartment comes a plaintive voice: "Good heavens, man, it's 2:30 in the morning!"

* * * * *

A Norwegian Text Message

OLE TEXTS LENA ...

“Lena, I’m having 1 more beer with Sven.
If I’m not home in 1 hour .... read this message again

* * * * *

The Three Little Pigs

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly,

"I think the man would have said - 'I can't believe it! A talking pig!'"

* * * * *

TGIF Golden Classics

For you this week, I have a “golden oldie double” this week. They both have been around, but really are classics.

The Afghan Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

* * * * *

The Green Thing

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana .

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing."

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Please share this with another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person...

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off... especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.

* * * * * * * *

We also didn’t have a lot of that green stuff (dollars) back then either. But, somehow we survived and thrived, nevertheless.

Time to wish you a great Friday and weekend! Maybe by next Friday all of our snow will have melted, just before the last snowfall that often hits these parts in mid-April. It usually arrives just a day or two after you remove your snow tires and replace them with your summer tires.

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 07 March 2014

Greetings from the Friday guy and not from down in the TGIF dungeon. It became too depressing down there to draft the TGIF as there are no windows. At least, now as I draft this on Thursday evenings, it is staying lighter later each day. Tonight it was light outside until 6 p.m. and in a few days (Sunday) when the time changes to summer daylight savings time, it will be light until 7 p.m. and we will all think that Spring is just around the corner. Yeah, sure! It was minus 2 here this morning. However, it warmed to 25 and was sunny; so I did ski for a few hours.

It was Town Meeting week in Vermont, which this year coincided with the anniversary of the date that Vermont became the 14^th state (March 4^th) in 1791. I heard Garrison Keillor, in his NPR (national public radio) “Writer’s Almanac” daily blurb on Tuesday mention that it was Vermont’s birthday. Later that day, my former college roommate who now is living in China, sent me the following (longer blurb) message and since you know that I constantly try to educate you all about the virtues of our Green Mountain State, I will share the whole thing with you!

I get a daily newsletter from Garrison Keillor in which I saw this blurb about Vermont today. I knew you would enjoy it. Cheers!

Quote:

It was on this day in 1791 that Vermont became a state. It was the 14th state to join the Union — the first aside from the original 13 colonies. It's the second-least populated state in the nation, and only five states are smaller in land area. Of all the 50 states, it has the very lowest Gross State Product. But it also has one of the best unemployment rates in the nation. In the past decade, it's been ranked first as the most healthful place to live — more times than any other state.

It has an eccentric political history. It was an independent nation, the Vermont Republic, for 14 years (1777-1791). It had its own money, sovereign government, and a constitution that explicitly forbade slavery — almost a century before the United States did. It also required government taxes to support public schools.

Since 1856, Vermont voted Republican in every single presidential election except one (in 1964, it voted for Lyndon Johnson over Barry Goldwater). But beginning in 1992, Vermont has voted Democrat in every presidential election. It was the only state in America that George W. Bush did not visit during his two terms as president. It became the first state to allow and recognize civil unions between same-sex partners in 2000, and was the first state to legalize same-sex marriage legislatively (Massachusetts was the very first state to legalize same-sex marriage in 2004, but it was through a court ruling).

It vies with New Hampshire for being the least religious state in the union. Only half of Vermonters say they believe in God, compared with about 70 percent of the rest of the nation. People there attend weekly services at a much lower rate than other Americans, and a much smaller percentage say that religion is important to them. There are, however, a disproportionately high number of American converts to Buddhism living in Vermont, and there are several Buddhist retreat centers through out the state.

It produces more maple syrup than any other state in America. About 2.5 percent of Vermont's population speaks French at home.

Unquote.

There was another special day this last week on March 1^st. Read on.

Can pigs look up in the sky? No, it is physically impossible. Pigs lack the specialized neck muscles humans have to tilt and point their head upwards. Beyond this technicality, humans and pigs could be considered DNA BFFs. Pig hide is used as a temporary skin substitute for burn victims. Pig heart valves are transplanted into human chests as an alternative for mechanical ones. Thousands of diabetics' lives have been saved via insulin derived from pigs. Experiments have even shown positive results for Alzheimer's patients who have been injected with pig stem cells. So, it's no wonder March 1st is celebrated as National Pig Day. Pass around the pig-shaped cupcakes, and set your ringtone on "oink," because today we honor the messy, lovable and useful pig.

Quote: "Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal." — Winston Churchill

* * * * *

A man rushes into a fancy restaurant, orders three appetizers, two steaks and a lobster, four desserts, a bottle of expensive wine, an espresso and proceeds to quickly polish them off.

The waiter says, “Sir, what’s your hurry?”

“You’d be in a hurry, too, if you had what I have,” he answered.

“So what do you have?”

“Fifty cents.”

* * * * *

A gas station owner near Camden, Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read,"Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said "You were close! The number was 7.”

"Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.You were close, but NO free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.”

* * * * *

My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway.

Karen said, “I love my new garage-door opener.”

“I love mine too,” my wife replied, and honked the horn three times.

That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage.

* * * * *

English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all that Guinness.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "Now then squire, can’t do that there ‘ere."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, right," says the bobby..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statues, fountains, sculptures, hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

* * * * *

Church Dinner

A group of friends from the Cottonwood Community Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told

her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too expensive."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms?

There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Mugsy (the yard dog) a double handful.

Mugsy ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Mugsy and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 'Monopoly' and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet's ear.

She said, "Mrs. Williams, Mugsy is dead."

Janet went into hysterics.

After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet, "You know, that guy that run over Mugsy never even stopped."

* * * * *

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except for the shoebox at the top of the closet that the wife warned her husband never to open or ask her about.

One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

While sorting out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time for him to know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $100,000.

He asked her about the contents.

“When we were to be married, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears.

Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving! He almost burst with happiness.

“Honey,” he said. “That explains the dolls, but what about all of this money. Where did it come from?”

“Oh,” she said. “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

* * * * *

It’s time for the TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC.

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

“Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!”

“I don’t want to go, Mom.”

“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”

“OK. The kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”

“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready,” admonished the mother.

“Give me two reasons why I should go to school,” whined the son.

“Well, for one, you’re 52-years-old. And for another, you’re the principal!”

* * * * * * * *

That’s it for another week. Saturday is International Women’s Day (March 8) and in that connection, our daughter was interviewed on camera last week by Al Jazeera TV (USA) and that clip is to be aired today, the 7^th.

Around here it is supposed to actually be above freezing tomorrow and sunny. So, it looks like another day of skiing, or as some say, “going downhill like everything else in getting older”.

Have a fun Friday and a wonderful weekend!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 28 February 2014

Greetings from the Friday guy. My trip to Colorado was postponed for a few weeks and so, after taking last week off, I figured I’d better try to produce one for this Friday.

We’ve had our share of snow this winter and most people who have stayed around here, and not gone south, are fed up with it all already! Me included. But it is good for the skiing industry and Vermont’s economy. At the end of last week we had a few warm days (up to 50 degrees F) and then it rained all one day. But this week, the cold returned and in the next several days/week it is to be much colder than normal for this time of year.

Over the last few weeks I enjoyed watching much in the Sochi Winter Olympics, but especially the ice hockey, both men’s and women’s. Canada still reigns supreme in that. Russia won the most medals with the USA a close second. Canada, Norway and the Netherlands also won a lot of ‘em.

Let’s see what you all have provided for me to “pick and choose” some selections for today.

Thoughts

- Monday is an awful way to spend a seventh of your life.

- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

- You never learn to swear until you learn to drive.

- You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!

- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

* * * * *

MARIJUANA & MARRIAGE

For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws – legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense, because Leviticus 20:13 says:

"If a man lies with another man, they should be stoned."

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before.

* * * * *

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

* * * * *

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

(Some of these are old, but some are new. TGI-Jeff)