TGIF - 24 February 2012

Greetings from the Friday guy. You know what that means! It means that you should be receiving this message on Friday as long as your Spam blocker doesn’t read it and divert it to your spam folder, where it would also most likely feel right at home. It’s probably not going to be a long one today as I need to finish it and go off to the
TV room to watch the latest edition of the Jeremy Lin show. While it might be Friday when you receive this, it is now early Thursday evening here at the base station of the TGIF. The NY Knicks are playing tonight in Miami against the Heat (the team with the best won-loss record) and so it is a real test of how good the Knicks have become as a team while incorporating the new “phenom” that is Jeremy Lin. During the football season all the sports media (and beyond) talk was about Tim Tebow. Now, it has become all about Jeremy Lin. These two super popular, intelligent, God-fearing young men are no doubt more popular among the Joe Plumbers of the USA that they should think about joining the Republican race to find a presidential candidate to win in November. They certainly appear to me to be a lot better than the clowns who are currently vying for the Republican Party nomination! Nuf said, as I don’t want to overly offend my Republican friends. But please, can you try to come up with a decent candidate or just decide to throw in the towel and give Obama a second term.

And speaking of politicians,

Advice from Curtis and Leroy

Limit all US politicians to two terms...

One in office
One in prison ......

Illinois already does this, and it seems to be working for them.

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The Generous Scotsman

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...

"Did you smell that food?" she asked...  "Incredible!"

Being the 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

 ...  So they walked past it again  ...

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Did you know...

The Goldberg Brothers were the inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner?

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented
and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946,
the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees Fahrenheit.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and
sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were
there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the
electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to
their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees
Fahrenheit, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off
immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office,
where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but
they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg
Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was
installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there
was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million
Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on
$4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max - on the controls.

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The English Ventriloquist

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and
sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He thought he'd have a little fun, so he says to Daffydd Jones, a
local shepherd,

'Gooday, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Daffydd Jones replied 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English Man.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Daffydd Jones (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at Daffydd Jones)
Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
 Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Daffydd Jones (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Daffydd Jones 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'

Daffydd Jones (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at Daffydd Jones)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you? 

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the
Elements.'

Daffydd Jones (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Daffydd Jones (in a panic) : ‘The sheep's a Bloody liar!!!’

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Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.

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Just Sayings

It's not whether you win or lose,
. . . but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk
. . . if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs
. . . due to a lack of alcohol.

The original point-and-click interface was
. . . a Smith & Wesson.

A Fool and his money
. . . can throw one heck of a party.

When blondes have more fun,
. . . do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.

Learn from your parents' mistake.
Use birth control.

Don't Drink and Drive.
You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed,
. . . skydiving is not for you.

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
. . . give the rest a bad name.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75 % of
the population.

(Rolf Huss)
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Carnation Milk 65 Years Ago ...This is PRICELESS

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family
dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work
and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in
approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for
the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With
'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can
do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo
pulled up in front of her house.

A man got out and said, 'Carnation' LOVED your entry so much! We are
here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'

Carnation Milk is best of all,
Not tits to pull, no hay to haul,
No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!

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Man versus animals: Bear Hunting

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right
afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to
see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad
mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly,
Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has
his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found
the black bear and shot it dead. Right afterwards, there was another
tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to
him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my
cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we
have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with
the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way
with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully
recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to
Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his
shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come
here for the hunting, do you?"
(Susanne Jawarickrama)
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Okay, it’s time for this week’s TGIF Golden Classic

Tap on the Shoulder

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times.
(TGIF Editor’s Note: Nowadays when I see the phrase “true story” in a
contribution, I know it’s not!!!)

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station
leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the
shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove
up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking
driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights
out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I
didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone
so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely
my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.......
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

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True stories or not, my job is finished for now. I need to get to the
TV room and check on the big game. Unfortunately for the Jeremy Lin fan club, he didn't play so well and the Heat won tonight.

Hope you all have big weekends planned and that you are able to implement them perfectly.

I’m going out to Colorado in a week to ski with my brother. We don’t have any snow on the ground here now, but the forecast is for some on Friday. I hope so. I miss it!

Cheers and until next Friday, take care!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 17 February 2012

Greetings from your TGIF editor, down in his usual location as we
approach the end of the work week. It’s Friday and it’s the 17th! Not
only is 17 my favorite number and Friday my favorite weekday, the
number 17 has an additional meaning and connection with this week. It
is the number worn on the back of an here-to-fore relatively unknown
rookie player in the National Basketball Association (NBA), who during
the last 2 weeks has become the newest basketball “phenom” and most
interesting national news story. His name, in case you don’t already
know, is Jeremy Lin and he’s an Asian American whose family origins
are Taiwanese. Not only is that a bit unusual for an NBA rookie, but
he also spent 4 years and graduated from a little-known university,
named Harvard, majoring in economics, which has produced til now, only
3 previous NBA players.

It’s a great story. He was drafted near the end of the NBA draft last
year and spent a few weeks on 2 or 3 different NBA teams earlier this
year. On Christmas Day, the New York Knicks franchise needed another
point guard due to some injuries and arranged a trade for Jeremy. His
brother lived in New York and so he moved in with him and lived on his
couch as he joined the Knicks. A short time later, Jeremy was sent
down to the “minor league” team of the Knicks and managed to have a
“triple double” in his one game there - - - meaning he made double
figures in points scored, assists dished out and rebounds. Only the
top players manage this kind of feat. So, he was called back up to the
Knicks who were in a streak of losing 9 of 11 games and the head
coach, running out of options, inserted him into the second half of a
game that the Knicks were losing and he played really well. So, the
coach decided to start him at the beginning of the next game and guess
what, he scored about 20 points and had about 10 assists and the
Knicks won. So, maybe a fluke, as he is only 6’3” and would not likely
be able to repeat this kind of performance against good NBA teams, the
pundits assumed.

He continued to start and play well and they won their next few games.
But then the Kobe Bryant-led L.A. Lakers were coming to town and that
would certainly end this improbable lucky streak. Apparently Kobe had
not been following the media and all the hype about the “LINcredible”
Jeremy and the “LINsanity” that had engulfed New York City and the
rest of the sports media and public. Kobe laughed off the possibility
that this new kid could impact their game and treated this whole thing
as NYC media hype. By the end of the Lakers – Knicks game, Jeremy Lin
had scored 38 points and led the Knicks to a last second victory. In
his first four NBA starts, Jeremy Lin had scored a total of 109
points, more than some of the true NBA superstars did in their first
four games, like Michael Jordan, Wilt Chamberlain and Magic Johnson.

The Knicks won their sixth game in a row since Lin has started at
point guard earlier this week in Toronto when Jeremy made a 3-point
shot as time expired. A few weeks ago, season ticket holders in
Madison Square Garden (NYC) could hardly get face value for their
tickets; however for their most recent game, it was reported that some
tickets were going for $8,000. The Knicks won their seventh straight
game on Wednesday night this week – that’s all 7 that they have played
since the “Lincredible” number 17 has begun playing full time. Great
story. Everyone is having a great time with words using his name Lin.
In fact, his 3-point winning shot this week was on Va-LIN-tine’s Day.
The Knicks fans have gone LINsane and one poster in the crowd last
night read “We’re All-LIN love with Jeremy!”
Sorry, I kind of got carried away.

Back to our sober reality for awhile as I try to find some material to
share with you all this week that will hopefully raise a smile, cause
a smirk or invoke a groan.

I have noted the snow in Rome and it’s a pity that we don’t get any
here to help our ski industry in Vermont. I’ve been over skiing a
number of times and it’s good exercise. Also, I’ve been trying to
frequent my health club/gym – at least 4 or 5 days per week. I didn’t
know that February was Heart Healthy Month. So, check this one out!

February is Heart Healthy Month.

The following exercise may help all of us to a healthier life style.
The first time you try it, do it slowly, after the first try it is
much easier.

THIS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS

Pass this on to all who are 50 years and older. Cardiovascular Exercise

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into
our daily routine.
This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain
muscle mass. Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise
program!



Scroll Down.



NOW SCROLL UP.


That's enough for the first day. Great job!

Have a glass of Wine.
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And speaking of “heart healthy”, check this one out!

The Heart Attack

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from
the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy, mummy, Aunty
Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe and she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the
bedroom right past her husband.... Rips open the wardrobe door and
sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the
floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams.   'My husband's having a heart
attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the
kids!!'
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And speaking of blondes, here is one that reviews the past 12 months
of the year 2011, checking out the actions of our blonde.

Blondes Year in Review – Monthly Highlights

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!....... Bottles won’t fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said “2-4 years!”

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm......
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is C.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days....
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

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Looks like we have a theme going here. Here’s another blonde joke
received this week.

THE  BLONDE  MORTICIAN

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would
like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in
the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs,
but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You
did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked
nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

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And speaking of heads:

Who is really the true head of the household?

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God
appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the
men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the
men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of
the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in
the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was
only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to
be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not
fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from
him."

God turned to the one man: "How did you manage to be the only one in
this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

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SENIOR MOMENT

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
Massachusetts state trooper sees a car puttering along at 24 mph.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!"
He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies -
two in the front seat, and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as
ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the
problem?"

The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "24"
was the Route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the
woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, "is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 128."

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They Are Likely to Have Nun of This

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site
noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some
time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where
the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back, "'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."
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This one could qualify for the golden oldie of this week, but I already have a few of those below. So, here goes:

The Two Brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to
know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over
and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE!' said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this? !!!!!!

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not
to enjoy...

Sounds to me like she's......been ....sweeping around!!!
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Okay, although this could qualify for this week’s TGIF Golden Classic,
since someone has gone to the trouble of modifying it to look as if it
is the first 2012 Olympics in London joke, I’ll go with it.

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics are in London.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they
haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and
walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England" he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks
it under his arm.
“O'Malley, Ireland" he says, "Fencing."
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Okay. It’s time for this week’s authentic TGIF Golden Classic and we
go a long, long way back for this one that was submitted this week by
a couple of retiree WFP friends. No names - to protect the guilty!

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I
intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a
very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly,
the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to
the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"S H I T!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude was never invited back.
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
Maybe it’s time for me to clean up my act, as well. I wasn’t paying my
TGIF censors enough to keep them on board. So, you are now getting a
lot more of what I receive, un-censored. Hope I’m not offending too
many.

Have a happy 17th and wonderful weekend and stay tuned for the next
episode in the LINcredible Knick’s rookie’s life. Will he move off of
his brother’s couch and into a bed of his own? Will he personally
benefit from all the Knicks' jerseys being sold with his name and
number on them? Will he lead the Knicks to their first NBA title in 40
years? As I said, stay tuned to this channel. (Come to think of it,
his economics degree from Harvard will come in handy counting all
the money he is going to make.) Although I am not a Knicks fan, he has
become my favorite Knick since Dollar Bill Bradley, who played 40
years ago and helped them win their last championship. By the way,
Bill Bradley went to Princeton and was an Oxford Rhodes Scholar. Looks
like the NBA teams should start scouring the Ivy League for future
talent.

Time to put this one in the can. (No, not the trash can, although some
of you might do that! That is, if your SPAM blockers even allow you to
receive it!) Keep the contributions coming and hope to hear from me
next Friday.

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 10 February 2012

Greetings from the downstairs dungeon on this, the last day of the
work week. Yes, it’s Friday, Thank God! Although it is February, it
would be hard to tell that from the little snow that is on only part
of the ground outside. There are puddles of water and ice and patches
of grass (ugly) visible all around. A year ago at this time I was up
on the roof for hours each day for a week, shoveling about 2 feet (60
cms) of snow off of it so that it wouldn’t cave in. In fact, there is
absolutely no snow on our roof right now. But I have seen photos of
the snow that fell in Rome last week. Wow! We lived there for 3 years
and never saw any snow in Rome.

In last week’s issue I used the story about Winston Churchill, using
an Italian Cruise Liner. Since then, in the “wake” of the Costa
Concordia disaster, more stuff has arrived. It always does, after such
a disaster.

How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? : On the rocks!

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? : Leeks!

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? :  Follow
the captain!

When the captain of the Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he
was going he replied "off course."

So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's
more than can be said for his ship!

The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in
Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken
cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing - the bottoms dropped out of both.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
Okay, time to move on to other topics.
Here’s an example of typical male logic:

Milk and Eggs

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy
one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The
wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

(I'm sure you're going back to the top to read this again! I know I did!)
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
You don’t have to be an engineer to appreciate this story but it helps !!!!

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty
boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production
line was set up, and people with experience in designing production
lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with
timing so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect
100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be
controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality
assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers
all the way down to the supermarket don’t get ticked-off and buy
another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste
factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to
start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering
company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering
department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor
allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8
million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget,
high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved
the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a
bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than
it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank
the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to
re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the
project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the
factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer
complaints and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well
spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in
the report.

It turns out that the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0
after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at
least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the
report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the
engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales
really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to
that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part
of the line where the precision scales were installed.

A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the
empty boxes off of the belt and into a bin.

“Oh, that,” says one of the workers — “one of the guys put it there
’cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang”.
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
It’s that time of year when employees have to be evaluated by their
employers on their job performance of 2011. Here are some helpful
phrases that some of you may wish to borrow for this process,
especially for those employees who are not the “brightest color in the
crayon box” or whatever similar expression which I cannot recall at
this precise moment. (Joya – pls help!)
Performance Evaluations

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
These simple truths are somewhat related to the performance issue.

Simple Truths

#1 : Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
*       *       *
#2 : When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and
saying "congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated"
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
The Irish Brothel

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front
door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the
door, knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the
rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says one of the Irishmen.
"One of the girls must have died.”
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
Idle thoughts

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it

I had amnesia once---or twice

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride
horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the expressway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't get his pants off.

Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own
second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never,
ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug
it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing
kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a
pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother,
and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad
put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for
nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not
to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching
her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the
house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a
hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie
down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against
the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case
he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they
all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys
inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for
crawling up in there in the first place.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle
Wife' comes along.
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
Your Parrot Is Dead

At dawn the telephone rings.

'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did
he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught fire.'

'What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of
a candle?!'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I
thought she was a thief. I hit her with your new Talyor-Made R580 XD
golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . .

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!!'

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
It’s the time for the TGIF Golden Classic.

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on
the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the
room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't
get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,
put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and
lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there
so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said.  "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
After the Patriot's loss to the Giants, I am depressed and awaiting the
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue to arrive to cheer me up. With the
lack of snow, I’ve been obliged to ice skate instead and must admit
that the skating and conditions on the frozen ponds has been good.
Plus the “full contact ping pong” this winter with my buddies and the
Wednesday night indoor tennis has been lots of fun. It’s always nice
to be associated with a “sport” that involves “training beverages” in
green cans or brown bottles, plus sharing jokes, no matter how raunchy,
with good buddies. You know who you are!

For the rest of you, have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 03 February 2012

Greetings from the Friday guy from an unseasonably warm Vermont here

in early February. It seems that this winter’s temperatures are about
5 degrees warmer than average. We’ve also had 50% less snow than last
winter, although last winter we had nearly 130 inches, which is in the
top 5 since they’ve been keeping records in 1884. In fact, I recall
with little humor that last year at this time, I was up on the roof of
our house trying to shovel off more than 2 feet of accumulated snow,
to prevent our roof from collapsing. I just read today that an annual
ice fishing derby that was scheduled for this weekend in a village
nearby has postponed it to early March due to safety reasons – read:
lack of sufficient ice. It reminds me of an incident that happened
many years ago in a North American city that hosts a National Hockey
League team (professional ice hockey league). It seems that the city
had received a lot of freezing rain and the parking lot of the ice
arena stadium was covered with ice and too dangerous for driving. So,
they had to cancel the hockey game due to ice!!!

Friends here in town have allowed me to use their back pond to ice
skate on during the past month. Yes, despite what I mentioned above,
the ice there, on a small pond, is thick enough even to hold me on it
without cracking and giving me a cold dip. It may not be cracking but
it does moan a lot – which freaks me out as I skate around it. I have
been shoveling the snow off of it on a regular basis, even though we
haven’t had much, and filling cracks and skate ruts with water to
allow for good skating. I am trying to break in my new hockey skates
and get used to skating again after an absence of about 16 years when
I last played weekend hockey when in Rome. There is a senior men’s
hockey group that plays near here on Sunday nights during the winter
that I’d like to join. Maybe not this winter, but hopefully by the
next one.

Well, TGIF subscribers, especially those in the World Food Programme,
it has finally happened. I knew it was only a matter of time and
improved firewalls that my TGIF message would be determined by the WFP
IT system to be SPAM. It happened last week. Alpha, who is struggling
with converting the TGIF address list from Lotus Notes to Outlook, had
not received my sent draft message in his WFP Outlook email inbox last
Friday morning. Normally I copy it to his private account; he saw it there
over the weekend and wondered why I had not sent it to his Outlook
address. When I explained that I had, he realized that he had not
received it as it was classified as SPAM. Now, I don’t think that last
week’s issue was more “spam-like” than other ones, so I assume that
the technology has evolved and maybe uses more critical criteria. Or
maybe I should just accept the fact that my TGIF quality control has
relaxed its standards. (I really wanted to say “high standards” but
could not truthfully claim that. In other words, maybe my low
standards have gotten even lower!)

Well, let’s see what low quality of material I can “dredge up” for this week.

I wrote the above sentence before picking the following story to start
off the week. It’s a bit timely, given the recent accident of the
Italian cruise liner, Costa Concordia, and the fiasco with its
captain.

After his retirement, Winston Churchill was cruising the Mediterranean
on an Italian cruise liner.
Some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should
chose an Italian ship.
“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship,”
said Churchill.
“First, their cuisine is unsurpassed."
"Second, their service is superb."
"And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about
women and children first.”

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
A MODERN-DAY URBAN FABLE

A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp. She starts rubbing it, and the
Genie comes out as usual.
The Genie tells her that whatever she wants, her wish will be granted.
The woman looks at the Genie and says:

"I want my husband to have eyes only for me ~
I want to be the only one in his life ~
I want him to sleep always by my side ~
I want that when he wakes up in the morning I'm the first thing he
grabs, and I want him to take me with him wherever he goes."

The Genie says: "No problem, your wish is easily granted!"
...and immediately turns her into a Blackberry!!!!

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband
For example:

A wife comes home late at night early from being out of town and
quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees
four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard
as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let
them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say ‘hello’?”
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
The Scotsman

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent's Hospital for heart surgery,
but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in
case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it
couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot
willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for
giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of days
later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate
his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card
& a jar of candies. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time
did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned
the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you
would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a
thank-you card & a jar of candies".

To this the Arab replied:
"Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
Tommy Cooper One-Liners
Due to considerable reader demand here are some more Tommy Cooper one liners.
Yes, he was brilliant!!

1. Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key...'

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I
couldn't find any.

4. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

5. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

6. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

7. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

8. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

9. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it..'

10. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

11. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What?
Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

12. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you
give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

13. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

14. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.

15. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice.'
16. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
Note to Pets

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT'S ALSO A TRUE STORY.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are
yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that
it is suddenly your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing
me to the top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other,
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the
other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but
sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the
other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message
on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND COMPLAIN
(1) They live here....you don't.

(2) If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.That's why they call it "fur"niture.

(3) I like my pets a whole lot better than I like most people!

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters
who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1) eat less,
2) don't ask for money all the time,
3) are easier to train,
4) normally come when called,
5) never ask to drive the car,
6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
7) don't smoke or drink,
8) don't want to wear your clothes,
9) don’t have to buy the latest fashions,
10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
It’s time for this week’s TGIF Golden Classic.
I have so many to chose from!!!  In fact, more than new jokes I
receive. I know – enough said!

Getting Married – It’s Never Too Late

Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, living in Auckland, are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss
the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests
they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds!"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding present’s list..."
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
We are looking forward to this Sunday’s SuperBowl in Indianapolis and
hoping and praying that our Patriots can beat the Giants. I’m nervous,
but optimistic that Belichick and Brady will find a way to win, like
they have 3 times before during the last 10 years.

Have great weekends!

TGI-Jeff