Greetings on this, my favorite day of the week, even in retirement, for some reason. Yep, that’s right – it’s Friday. I can’t believe we are already halfway through April. And yet, I woke up this morning to seeing it snow. Luckily it was only a little and most of it had melted by noon, even though the temperature barely got above freezing for most of the day. That’s Vermont for you. One of the states where in some months, you have the car heater on in the morning and the A/C on in the afternoon. But – by the way – what’s a car?
This COVID-19 virus has certainly spawned a lot of humor, amidst the tragedy of losing so many souls, and a lot of the material that I am receiving has a lot of repeated or redundant material. Frankly, I don’t have the time to proofread everything. I have tried to delete some of the repeats, but I’m sure I didn’t catch all of them. So, I apologize for that.
As usual, I am drafting this at the end of the day on Thursday. It was a busy day filled with about 6 hours attending 3 Zoom Meetings. Pretty soon we’ll be complaining about all the zoom gatherings. But they have been very nice to see and converse with family. Much appreciated. Some of us are wondering if this “forced staying at home” combined with people able to work from home and attend meetings from home, won’t change the way we approach work and meetings post pandemic.
The fact that we are using less fossil fuel is having a very positive impact on the air quality and environment. But it also means we are producing less goods that many need. So, it’ll be interesting to see if and how we find a good balance between those two counter measures.
Meanwhile, let’s jump into the joke bag and pull out some stuff to share with you:
If you boil a funny bone …..
It becomes a laughing stock ……
Now that’s humerus!
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A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the
three of them.
The Cow: I give 50 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my
own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the
three of them.
The Cow: I give 50 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my
own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
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If Donald Trump was the Captain of the Titanic:
1. The iceberg is a hoax.
2. We won’t hit the iceberg.
3. It’s a very small iceberg, nothing to worry about.
4. We barely touched the iceberg.
5. NOBODY could’ve seen the iceberg coming.
6. If I hadn’t acted so quickly, there would have been a lot of more deaths.
7. It’s not our job to provide a lifeboat for each passenger.
8. Only the passengers who are nice to me will get a lifeboat.
9. I’m the best captain ever. Nobody has ever done as much as I am doing right now. Aren’t I great?!
10. Why didn’t we have more lifeboats on board? Well, that’s a very mean and very nasty question. You should be ashamed for asking such a nasty question!
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They call it the ‘Quarrantine-15’ – supposedly for the 15 days that we should self-isolate, if we may have been exposed to the coronavirus. But I think it stands for the 15 pounds we’re all going to gain during these 3 months.
Changing World
The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
You think it’s bad now? In 20 years, our country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers…
This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!
Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!
Day 12 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6 foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
Me: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.
Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this coronavirus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.
I swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now?”
Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
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More COVID 19 stuff:
1) Monday is the “National Home School Tornado Drill.” Lock your kids in the basement until you get the all clear.
2) I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing?
3) 2019: Stay away from negative people.
2020: Stay away from positive people.
4) You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home schooled by day drinkers…
5) Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!
6) Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!
7) Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
8) I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6 foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
9) ME: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend?
ALEXA: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.
10) Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this coronavirus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.
11) I swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now?”
12) When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?
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And even more COVID-19 stuff
Ontario has banned groups larger than 5.
If you’re a family of 6, you’re all about to find out who’s the least favorite!
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Health Tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
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Never in my whole life would I imagine my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth!
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The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to return to a society where pants and bras are required!
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I’m so excited it’s time to take the garbage out!
I wonder what I should wear?
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Remember when we were little and our underwear had the days of the week on them?
Yeah, they would be very helpful right now.
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Happy hour is starting earlier and earlier.
If this keeps up, I’ll be pouring wine in my cereal!
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30 Days Hath September, April, June and November
All the rest have 31 … except March which had 8000
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Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly.
Now weeds legal and schools closed … damn kids are living’ the dream!
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This is stupid. I just tried to make my own hand sanitizer and it came out as a rum & coke!
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If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock”, don’t open it.
It’s a Jehovah Witness working from home.
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Day 8 of social isolation and it’s looking like Vegas in my house.
We’re losing money by the minute.
Cocktails are acceptable at any hour.
Nobody knows what time it is.
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It’s Time for the TGIF Golden Classic
Why Women Make Better Assassins
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair."
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Today, the 16th, was my late sister Noreen’s birthday. So, I’ve been thinking of her all day. She would have been 68 today. She passed 14 months ago. Miss her!
Next week I plan on sharing with you all a short story I wrote about the origins and history of the TGIF message that I’ve been sending out for about 25 years. At the end of the piece, I have posed 12 trivia questions that I would encourage many of you to attempt to answer. Many of you may know the answers to 5 or 6 of them, but I suspect that very few of you will know even as many as 9 or 10. So, let’s see how you do.
Until then, stay home and stay safe and healthy!
TGI-Jeff
