TGIF - 23 May 2014

Greetings from Mr. TGI-Jeff. Yes, I am still alive and well, despite the fact that I haven’t issued a Friday message in a long time. I’m happy to note that a few of you even noticed.

Thanks to my laziness and the fact that a few of you keep sending along potential TGIF material, this week’s edition is a bit longer than usual.

So, let’s jump in right away. But first, Pam noticed a letter to the editor of one of our local newspapers about a month back. Prior to this letter, it seems that a certain Mr. Templeton had written a letter highlighting the benefits of a vegetarian diet and the avoidance of eating meat and espousing having a “meatout”.

Here is a response from another Vermonter:
In response to Mr. Templeton and his letter to the editor (about not eating meat), “Support the Meatout,” I’m not exactly planning a “meatout” to celebrate springtime in Vermont. I like veggies as much as the next person and do plan on getting my fill of them.

My celebrations will be a barbecue of burgers and dogs, and, of course, chicken smothered in barbecue sauce cooked to perfection on the old grill. I don’t care much for legumes, but me and the boys will party with veggies, like barley and hops from none other than Mr. John Barleycorn. Good, old, brewed in Vermont beer - ice-cold thirst quenchers.

Meanwhile, my horse will be munching on his grains and oats. He’s into the meatout.

Tom King, Shaftsbury, VT


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Why It Is Important to be Multi-lingual

An Indian Sardaaji visits a 5-star hotel. As he sat enjoying his juice, a very beautiful lady came to his table, asked him something in French, which he didn't understand.

He invited her to sit down, took a napkin and drew a picture of a juice glass. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of juice for her.

After a while, he took another napkin, drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.         

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.

When they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a screw.

Till this day, the Sikh is trying to figure out how she knew that he owns a hardware shop in Mumbai.

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The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do  you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What  about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got  hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that  hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in  another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

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Catholic Shampoo


TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, "WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT COUNTER."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECKOUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER.

"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT  "CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER, PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.  
HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."

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The Amazing Italian

A traveling salesman drove into a small town where a circus was visiting.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Italian.'
The intrigued salesman
bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male
member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd
erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their
shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the
same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, 'Don't Miss The
 Amazing Italian'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much
less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and
 smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd
went wild!

 
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible' he told the Italian, 'but I have to know something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?'
'Well,' said the Italian, 'my eyes aren't what they used to be.' 
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(TGIF Editor’s Note: How people think up these jokes is ridiculous!)

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Ramblings of a Retired Senior’s Mind

TGIF Editor’s Note: Some of these are old, but some are not – or I don’t remember them. So, I’m hoping you have that same memory problem!

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'  Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Gentle Thoughts for Today -

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then poop on your car.

A penny saved is . . . a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is . . . probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. (Amen to that!)

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

TGIF Editor’s Note:  I think it was George Bernard Shaw who said “The trouble with “youth” is that it is wasted on the young”!

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Is There Golf in Heaven?

Two mature golfing buddies were also best friends.

When it was clear that Gene was dying, Peter visited him every day.

One day Peter said, "Gene, we both loved playing golf all our lives, please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's golf there."

Gene looked up at Peter from his deathbed and said, "Peter, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Gene died.

A few weeks later, Peter was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Peter! Peter !"
"Who is it," asked Peter, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Peter -- it's me, Gene Gleason"
"You're not Gene. Gene just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Gene!"
"Gene, Where are you?"
"In heaven," said Gene. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Peter.
"The good news is that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies are here too. Even better, we're all young again. Better still, it's always summertime and it never rains!"
"Best of all, we can play golf all we want, and never get tired; and we get to play with all the Greats of the past.
"That's fantastic," said Peter "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're in my foursome this Saturday"

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I bet you saw that coming!!!

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It is time for the TGIF Golden Classic, although some of the above material could have also classified…….


What’s the Moral of the Story

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Barbara. Aunty Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay away from Aunty Barbara when she's pissed.

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I will end this with a big thanks to all of you who send me contributions. If I don’t use what you have sent, it could be that it’s an old one - - - but not old enough to qualify for the TGIF Golden Classic section; OR it could be one that I will use in a future edition. So, thanks to those of you who do send/forward stuff to me. Without you, there would be no TGIF. Cheers!

Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!

TGI-Jeff