Greetings on this last day of the week (and last day of June) from your Friday Guy. I’ve been away from my home in Vermont most of the time since May 20th. Dianne and I put over four thousand miles on my Subaru during our trip to Colorado and Iowa and back. Then we went to Maine (Kennebunkport – Goose Rocks Beach) for two weeks. It’s funny that we were about 15 miles south of where my parents first met in the summer of 1938. So, now I’m finally home in Springfield.
The Grinnell Class of 1973 Reunion (50th) went really well! It is always nice to see so many old friends from long ago. Many of my close college friends have never attended these reunions (with the exception of Dave and Mike and Jon); although I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know those who do attend. I have such fond memories of my time there and its impact on my life. I really enjoy each time that I’m back there on the campus.
Dianne and I enjoyed consuming the fresh seafood in Maine. From lobsters to clam chowder to swordfish and salmon. It was so delicious!
Now we’re back here and I am finally getting around to buying and planting some annual flowers in my various sized pots and deck boxes. I so love the colors they add to the very green surroundings. It’s amazing how during the winter, we can see clearly our 3 neighbors and now, due to the summer growth of bushes and trees, we cannot see any of our neighbor’s houses. Soon, I’ll get out my Weber grill and get it going too.
Well, we’re halfway through 2023 already and just passed the summer solstice and so, unfortunately, the days will begin to shorten. But the temperatures should remain agreeable for the next few months or so. Hope to get back out on the golf course soon. I think my case of “the yips” may have been cured by my good friend Todd Plimpton. He has “given/loaned” me a new, long putter which seems to be the solution to my problem. Each time I sunk a putt during our recent HS alumni golf scramble, Todd raised the price on the putter by $100!
Let’s see what you all have been contributing! Or should I say – what 3 or 4 of you have been contributing.
Cannibals
A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He wanders through the thick jungle for days upon days, and it seems like his journey's going to amount to nothing. As he ventures deeper into it, his attention is drawn to something hanging overhead in the canopy and decides to take a closer look. Suddenly, he falls into a trap, is knocked unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.
He cries out for help and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.
"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"
"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well soon you will be editor-in-chief!"
* * * * * * * *
The New Cute Little Kitty
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly..
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold..
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!!!!
* * * * * * * *
MY PRIVATE PART DIED
You need a sense of humour to work in a nursing home ~ that is for sure.
An old man, Mr. Thomso , was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Thomson .
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Thomson. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Thomson was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pyjamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Thomson ,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Thomson . 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?'
(You've gotta love this.)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
(Editor’s note: I bet you saw that coming.)
* * * * * * * *
Loyalty Test
At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor stated that a test for a canine's disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt.
A dog with a poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner's face or show concern.
Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs.
I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream, and collapsed on the floor.
The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other, and raced to the coffee table for my pizza.
* * * * * * * *
Things to Ponder
1. If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
2. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
3. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
4. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
5. As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake!
6. I'm responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.
7. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
8. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously, there's a new strain out there.
9. It's not my age that bothers me - it's the side effects.
10. I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.
11. As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
12. As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy-efficient.
13. I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
14. If you find yourself feeling useless, remember: it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and four Presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
15. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
16. I'm on two simultaneous diets. I wasn't getting enough food on just one.
17. Put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
18. My mind is like an internet browser. At least 18 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
19. My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
20. There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.
* * * * * * * *
Special Job Conditions
A man visits the local council for a job interview. During his interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles." Upon hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and says "Sorry to hear that…
Okay then. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am, and plan on starting at 10 am every day."
The man says: "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, I'll come at a normal hour, I want to do my part."
"You misunderstand." Says the interviewer. "This is a government job, For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
* * * * * * * *
Why Jewish Daughters Need Therapy
Jewish Mother: “Hello?”
Daughter: “Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?”
Jewish Mother: “You’re going out?”
Daughter: “Yes.”
Jewish Mother: “With whom?”
Daughter: “With a friend”
Jewish Mother: “I don’t know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.”
Daughter: “I didn’t leave him. He left me”
Jewish Mother: “You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.”
Daughter: “I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids? ”
Jewish Mother: “I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.”
Daughter: “There are lots of things that you did, and I don’t.”
Jewish Mother: “What are you hinting at? ”
Daughter: “Nothing, I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.”
Jewish Mother: “You’re going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?”
Daughter: “My EX husband. I don’t think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!”
Jewish Mother: “So you’re going to sleep over at this loser’s place?”
Daughter: “He’s not a loser.”
Jewish Mother: “A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.”
Daughter: “I don’t want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? ”
Jewish Mother: “Poor children with such a mother.”
Daughter: “Such a what?”
Jewish Mother: “With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.”
Daughter: “ENOUGH!!! ”
Jewish Mother “Don’t scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! ”
Daughter: “Now you’re worried about the loser? ”
Jewish Mother: “Ah, so you see he’s a loser. I spotted him immediately.”
Daughter: “Goodbye, mother.”
Jewish Mother: “Wait! Don’t hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: “I’m not bringing them over! I’m not going out!”
Jewish Mother: “If you never go out, how do expect to meet anyone
* * * * * * * *
What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best girl with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her 3 times a day."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of this child, decides not to linger on what he said and so continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? What do you want to be?" she asks.
"I wanna be Johnny's girl!" says Susie.
* * * * * * * *
That poor teacher. She never knew how to handle Little Johnny.
If you do see a funny joke come across your screen, don’t forget to forward it to me at tgifjeff@gmail.com. I’d love to keep doing this if I have the material to use.
Have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend at this end of June! And Happy Fourth of July!
TGI-Jeff
