Greetings from your Friday guy once again sitting at my Mac on this beautiful Thursday evening – on the eve of the last working day of the week - - - “Thank God” most of you are saying. I’m sitting in my sun room looking out on a setting sun amongst some potential storm clouds. I hope it rains as we need it. California needs water and we need rain and Texas is flooding. Does anyone still think climate change is NOT happening? Really? You must be a Republican!
Summer has finally arrived this week. Last week we had freeze warnings and I had to bring in a few hanging plants and cover up some others outside. But luckily the temp. only got down to about 35. It has been in the 80s the last few days. I’ve been out playing golf and hitting the ball really well. For any of you golfers out there, I am a 17 handicap, but the last few rounds I’ve played I have shot an 85 and an 87 and a 90. So, I’m seeing a little more consistency. Makes me want to get out and play more often to try to lower that handicap.
But I also have to get out on my bike and get some real exercise. I’ve been spending a lot of time working in the yard and readying it for summer – planting some more perennials and some annuals in pots and window boxes. It’s starting to look good around here!
So, since I’ve bragged about improvements in my golf game; I guess I have to come clean and explain why I have made these improvements. I’ve been following a new set of golf rules that a fellow senior passed on to me recently:
RCGA Rule Changes for Senior Golfers - 2015
Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior player should not be penalized for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (B)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed NOT to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree, and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.b.3 (G)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course, and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone, thereby making it a stolen ball. The senior player is not to compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7 (H)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Law of Gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Rule 5.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a mockery of the game.
Rule 6.a.9 (K)
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior player deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.g.15 (Z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior players should not be penalized for any shortcomings of the manufacturers.
Rule 8.k.9 (S)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior players, one stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Please advise your senior friends of these important rule changes and keep multiple copies in your golf bag. Those not following the rules need to be provided a copy. Golf is a game of integrity.
" Pride is not the answer to the human problem: it is the human problem."
- Sherwood Wirt
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Some Interesting Questions to Ponder
Q) What's a mixed feeling?
A) When you see your Mother in law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q) What's the height of conceit?
A) Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q) What's the definition of "Macho"?
A) Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q) What's the difference between a "G Spot" and a golf ball?
A) A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q) Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A) They spray paint 'X' on the back of sheep that kick.
Q) Why is divorce so expensive?
A) Because it's worth it.
Q) How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A) It's not hard.
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Who can be president of the US?
You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans -- relax ,
Here is our real problem. I don't know whether to laugh or cry . . . (I opt for crying)!!!
In a Purdue University American Studies classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,
"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
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Coffee
One morning, a grandmother was surprised to find that her 7-year old grandson had made her coffee. Smiling, she choked down the worst cup of her life. When she finished, she found three little green Army men at the bottom. Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these Army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson answered, "Like it says on TV, Grandma. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'
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Questions that stumped Dear Abby
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
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When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...then says, "you'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.
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Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby...
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed..
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place - smack his butt again!'
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IRISH TALKING CLOCK
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment....
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'YOU EEJIT! IT'S THREE-FIFTEEN IN THE MORNING!'
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Yesterday, my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me," and suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.
I did this, and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 79 years old, and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up and paid for five jumps a week for a month," I told her.
She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
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Okay. Even though many of the above could qualify as TGIF Golden Classics, I have selected this one below as I have very fond memories of this one that I first was given in 1996 while at WFP HQ in Rome from a Latin America bureau colleague who had received it in Spanish and sent to me a translated version of it. Ahhhhh, the good old days!
Today’s TGIF Golden Classic
A Mismatched Pair Of Gloves
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart, and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves, and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the man sealed the package and sent it to her with this note . . .
Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister's advice, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are very easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on, and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt that other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them, or they might shrink. I hope you will like them, and will wear them for me on Friday night!
All my love ....
P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.
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I’ve come to the conclusion that most humor is created by replacing the expected outcome by another one. The above oldie does that in that we are thinking of the panties while he is describing the gloves.
Just realized that it is both the anniversary of JFK’s birthday and my brother-in-law’s (and sister-in-law’s) 33rd wedding anniversary! Congrats Rod and Christine! Also, happy 33rd birthday next week to my oldest, Jonathan, on the 2nd of June!
Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
See you all next week. And don’t forget to send in your dues!
TGI-Jeff
