Greetings from your Friday guy just a week before Christmas Day. I wish you all happy holidays, regardless of your religion! It’s that time of year in the Northern Hemisphere where the shortest day of the year is approaching, the Winter Solstice, and then we celebrate the fact that the days will start to get longer, after this depressing period where the days are shorter and the nights very long.
That looks all very confusing, but you know what I mean. While the Solstice is nearing, we are experiencing the warmest Fall on record, likely due to the Climate Change that has been occurring for the last several decades. It’s long overdue, but the Paris Climate Conference results are encouraging, although long overdue!
I am looking forward to the family gatherings for this Christmas. I wish you all a very happy holiday, end of year celebrations, regardless of your specific religious beliefs!
We will then have to contemplate how we want to make new resolutions for the New Year to improve our lives! Good luck and wish me luck!
I’m not getting a lot of material that hasn’t been used before, so I may be obliged to repeat some old stuff. But my senior friends keep reminding me that our memories are not what they used to be and most of us will not realize that we have seen this or that one before.
Okay. Let’s jump into what I have to share today.
CANADA REVENUE AGENCY.
The Canadian Revenue Agency actually commented on this one.
Something to ponder ... but, worth a broad smile!
Amazing, but true, if you think about it! The importance of accuracy in your tax return.
The CRAhas returned the Tax Return to a man in Canada after he apparently answered one of the questions.
In response to the question, .. "Do you have anyone dependant on you?
The man wrote: ... "2.1 million Illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 450 idiots in Parliament and an entire group that call themselves Politicians'
The CRAstated that the response he gave was unacceptable.
The man's response back to CRA was, ... "Who did I leave out ?"
* * * * * * * *
Here is this week’s Intelligence Test:
10 Fun Facts
1. You can’t wash your eyes with soap.
2. You can’t count your hair.
3. You can’t breathe through your nose, with your tongue out.
4. You just tried no. 3.
6. When you did no. 3 you realized it’s possible, only you look like a dog.
7. You’re smiling right now, because you were fooled.
8. You skipped no.5.
9. You just checked to see if there is a no. 5.
10. Share this with your friends to have some fun too!
* * * * * * * *
I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have a driver’s licence and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don’t have acne.
Life is great!
* * * * * * * *
Subject: The proper way to call someone a BASTARD!
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.
* * * * * * * *
My wife and I had a huge row last night.
She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.
I can't wait to see her face when I tell her that I have just won the Nigerian lottery!
* * * * * * * *
Although we are a week away from Christmas Day, I have recently gotten a lot of golf jokes. Maybe these golfers are nostalgic for getting out on the links. I must say that they are still playing golf at my course here and I never remember it being opened in December before this year!
Unannounced Guest for dinner
This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced, you stupid idiot?"
“Because he’s thinking of getting married..."unquote,
* * * * * * * *
A prominent educator and patron of the arts, Henry Cole travelled in the elite, social circles of early Victorian England, and had the misfortune of having too many friends. During the holiday season of 1843, those friends were causing Cole much anxiety …As [Cole] watched the stacks of unanswered correspondence he fretted over what to do… He approached an artist friend, J.C. Horsley, and asked him to design an…illustration—a triptych showing a family at table celebrating the holiday flanked by images of people helping the poor—and had a thousand copies made by a London printer. The image was printed on a piece of stiff cardboard 5 1/8 x 3 1/4 inches in size. At the top of each was the salutation, ‘TO:_____’ allowing Cole to personalize his responses, which included the generic greeting ‘A Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year To You.’ It was the first Christmas card.
* * * * * * * *
Laugh a little ladies ...This is funny because only women understand this!
She said: “If my body was a car, I would be trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps, dents, scratches & my headlights are out of focus. My gearbox is seizing up & it takes me hours to reach maximum speed. I overheat for no reason and every time I sneeze, cough or laugh either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!”
* * * * * * * *
Christmas vs. Chanukah
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the kosher butcher, or the local Jewish funeral home.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka, Chanukah, Hanukah, Hannukah.
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful.... Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
9. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.
10. Parents deliver to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Joseph, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d. Here's the number of my shrink".
13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 26 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah!
* * * * * * * *
So, now it is time to wich you all happy end of year holidays and a very happy and healthy new year 2016!
TGI-Jeff
