Greetings from your Friday guy that I see has not issued a TGIF message for 4 weeks. Shame, shame! But I can run out the usual excuses - - - golf, long bike rides and tours, tennis and taking care of the lawn and homestead, la-dee-da! Also, nice family gatherings and accompanying my daughter in her move to DC for a new job. In fact, we spent a night in Boston at our son’s new place and then drove from there to DC, where I spent several days at Pam’s sister and husband’s place there, where we watched the July 4th fireworks.
The week before I joined my brother, many of his friends and the Colorado HeartCycle bike tour group in doing a beautiful bike tour in northern Vermont and around Lake Champlain. One week of lots of hills and too much rain – but fun was had by all. About 350 miles in 6 days of riding.
So, now it’s back home and trying to find time for tennis and golf and mowing the lawn when it is NOT raining. This must be one of the wettest summers in a long time. I just listened to a program on VPR about mosquitoes, as we have lots of them this summer. Apparently Vermont has 40 different species of those pesky bugs! (I didn’t know the plural of mosquito was mosquitoes! Did you?)
The fasting month of Ramadan has begun earlier this week. I wish my Muslim friends a peaceful month and that it goes by quickly. Today (as I draft this on the 11th) is International Population Day, if I recall correctly. Although I don’t think that means we should procreate today – but be aware of the rapidly increasing population on this shrinking planet and how to slow that trend down.
I looked in my tgif jokes inbox and there are hundreds of contributions received over the last month. But, until I start opening them, I won’t know if there are any new ones. Let’s hope so!
TWO STUFFED DOGS
Jimmy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow "Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks?" Jimmy said.
* * * * *
THE STATE OF AIRLINE TRAVEL TODAY!!!
Attendant: Welcome aboard A la Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: Crying out loud.... All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory!
* * * * *
PREGNANT AT 71
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit
down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down The hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
* * * * *
JUST FRED
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stopped a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit and he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' the guy replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man replies.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name, but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands, but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through College, Medical School, Internship, Residency, and finally got my Degree; so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a Doctor, so I decided to go back to School. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my Degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing Dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
* * * * *
Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT.
SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.’
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money.
'Is that so,’ he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
FORGET THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
* * * * *
WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH
LIFE OF A JUDGE REQUIRES DIFFICULT DECISIONS.
MT. VERNON, TEXAS, WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented: "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's bullshit."
* * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC for this week!
THE YOUNG MAN FROM NORTH DAKOTA
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today son?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!?
Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida.
One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day.
He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that Ford 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.........'"
* * * * * * * *
THAT ONE is an oldie – but goodie – and since I haven’t used it in quite some time, it may be new to a few of you.
It’s time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend! And remember that if you can’t procreate this weekend, go have some fun fishin’!!!
And if it rains this weekend like it has been this summer, I hear the fish bite better. Good luck!
Until I find time to draft another, take care.
TGI-Jeff
