Greetings from your infrequent Friday message deliverer from a very cold Vermont. We’re all obliged to wear our Bernie mittens to stay warm. And our long underwear and so forth. I have managed to go skiing at least one day of each week at my nearby ski area, Okemo. Lift lines are a bit longer this year due to the social distancing and to not filling each chair. But, I still manage to get in my 10 runs in less than 3 hours and am ready to go home for some hot, home-made chili and a cold beer. On a few occasions, I brought a beer with me, and sipped it as I took off my ski boots – which is one of the hardest things I have to do when I do ski. In fact, the 2 hardest things that I do when I ski are: putting on my boots (in the parking lot – I bring my own chair for that) and taking them off 3 hours later, when my feet are cold and the boots don’t want to release the ice blocks that are my feet. Ahh, Vermont in the winter.
Dianne and I have gone out a few days this past week for some snow shoeing. It’s nice to explore some nearby areas that we have not visited previously. We went cross country skiing once and hopefully, we’ll get out for that a few more times before the winter is over, - that being sometime between May and June.
I’ve enjoyed connecting with some former WFP colleagues via a monthly zoom meeting organized by a former WFP executive director, Catherine Bertini, and that’s been great. Zoom has been a blessing for so many of us to meet virtually with family and/or groups that we associate with. I look forward to reconnecting with so many friends in person once that is possible once we all get vaccinated. I’ll probably get my first shot in early March.
This is only the second TGIF message of 2021. I probably don’t need to mention that, as most of you would have no clue about that and I don’t need to express my shortcomings. But, I think I’ve managed to put together some not-so-old jokes to share with you on this day, Abe Lincoln’s birthday. Wonder what he would have thought about the second impeachment of the Donald?
The older I get, it seems the more funnies I get about seniors and getting old.
TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will..
And one more:
“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.
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Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
I love approaching 80; I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
It’s weird being the same age as old people.
Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So, remember…Don’t sing!
If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
So, if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
Corona coaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
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Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said, “I’m a veterinarian; therefore, I can drive like an animal”. Suddenly, I realized how many proctologists there are on the roads.
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Newfies in Toronto
(Editor’s Note: In case you don’t know, Newfies are people from Newfoundland, and are the butt of a lot of Canadian jokes)
Tom and Mick were walking along a street in Toronto.
Mick looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits $10 each, Shirts $4 each, Trousers $6.50 per pair."
Mick said to his buddy,
"Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to St, John's could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay?
Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents,
they might think we're thickos from Newfoundland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best accent."
"Right y'are Mick, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business," said Tom.
They go in and Mick said in a posh voice,
"Hello my good man. I’ll take 50 suits at $10 each, 100 shirts at $4 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $6.50 each.
I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will." The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Newfoundland, aren't you?"
"Well yes", said a surprised Mick. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a drycleaners!!"
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And, thanks to my former WFP colleague, Chris, a Canadian, here is his second Newfie joke for today:
Two Newfies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work but couldn't understand what they were doing. So, he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it ...why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team but today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."
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Girlies Night Out
If you gotta go, you gotta go…..
Two female friends go for a girlie night out. On their walk home, they both need to pee. They were near a graveyard, so they decided to relieve themselves there. They did their business and one lady wiped herself in her panties while the other grabbed a wreath off of one of the graves and used that.
The next day, husband one called husband two and said, "That's it, no more girlie nights out, my wife came home without any panties on". The second husband agreed saying "You think that's bad; my wife came home with a card in her crack saying "From all of us at the fire station … we'll never forget you".
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Don’t Mess With Old People!
I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.
So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up, she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you."
Obviously, she was embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window, I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she had to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again!
Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.
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I’ve been enjoying having fires in my living room fireplace when it’s been really cold. I just love fires. In the summer, I enjoy meditating in front of my outdoor fire pit up on the hill above my house. I’ve managed to NOT burn down the house yet. Dianne and I continue to spend some time putting difficult puzzles together. We’ve almost finished a 1500 piece one, where we only have the sky left to finish. It is a sense of accomplishment when it’s finally done.
Hope you are all staying safe and riding this pandemic out. Hopefully, we’ll get there sooner than later. Have a nice Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
