Greetings from your Friday guy who seems to be slacking on his responsibilities significantly. The record shows that the last TGIF message was issued on November 4th. No special Thanksgiving issue, no Christmas issue and no Happy New Year issue. My excuse – I’ve been busy – sort of. Or just busy enjoying retirement.
Some of you who are on my annual letter address list, already know that for me, 2022 was a year full of family gatherings and events and celebrations. Phil and Kailey got married in June. Dianne and I got married in August. Jon and Melissa had a baby boy (Logan) at the end of December (my first grandchild!). And I paid a 2-week visit to daughter Joya and her husband Chris in Cape Town (SA) in December. Not to mention that all of us also attended the big Taft Family Reunion in August, which was the first in person since Covid hit. It was a year also filled with gatherings of Dianne’s family and 3 grandkids, which, I can assure you, I have adopted.
The trip to Cape Town was extra special as my son Phil also joined, as well as my sister-in-law (Martha Taft) and her husband Fred. The six of us rented a van and with Joya the itinerary planner, and Chris the designated chauffeur, we saw a lot of Cape Town and surrounding areas. We visited wine farms (as they are called there) and a number of craft breweries. I’m totally sold on South African wines. They’re great! Having lived in and experienced a lot of countries in Africa, it was certainly a part of Africa that I had not experienced. Although all the loadshedding did remind me of my earlier experiences in West Africa.
I’m in the process of retiring now from my early years of retirement, where I was asked to join local committees and boards. I was our church treasurer for 7 years and stepped down last year. I was on the local recovery center board for 6 years and recently stepped down. I’m on a few other civic committees which I will stay on for another year or so. But, I feel like I have more time. Of course, that time needs to be now focused on getting rid of stuff and really downsizing. Like many people’s plans to start diets, that work will start tomorrow (manana!!) Domani!
I have not checked my tgif gmail mailbaox for several months. But when I do, I often find personal messages sent from friends. That means that I do not respond to those (because I don’t see them!) until I start to prepare my next TGIF message. So, remember to send personal messages to my other email address (the one I sent this out from). Thanks.
So, this is what I have to offer today. Enjoy the day and weekend!
Jack Daniels and Anger Management
A man goes to a marriage counselor, worried about his wife's temper. The counselor asks, "What's the problem?
The man says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my wife loses her temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems your wife is getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniel's bourbon and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish, but don't swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later, he goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn. He tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea. Every time my wife started to get angry, I swished the Jack Daniels and she would start to calm down. It was amazing!
What is it about Jack Daniels that makes it work like that?"
The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing. Keeping your mouth shut is the trick."
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Old People Shopping
Yesterday I was at my local Checkers store buying a large bag of Epol dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Epol Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 20 kilos before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Epol nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the pavement to sniff a Bull Terrier's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Checkers.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
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Discussing Sex Lives
Three old men are discussing their sex lives.
The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.
The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours.
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you possibly have done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."
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The Haircut
Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
*As Margaret Thatcher said: Both politicians and nappies need to be changed often and for the same reason!*
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The Honeymooners – Oops!
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parents' home for their first night together.
In the morning, Little Johnny, Fred's brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Little Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
* * * * * * * *
The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.
Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.
Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.
When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.
Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.
“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.”
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.
Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.
So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. Old age is coming at a really bad time.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, did you send it to me, or have I only sent one copy?
The Commandments for Seniors…
You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
“On time” is, when you get there.
Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free... and three sizes smaller.
Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.
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The penultimate line above reminds me of the expression a college friend of mine currently uses. He says that it sucks now being the same age as old people!!!
Speaking of college, my class of 1973 has a committee of 16 of us who are working on planning our 50th Reunion, planned for early June. It’s hard to believe that it is already 50 years. But then, I refer to the phrase mentioned above.
I’m sorry that I have not been regular at issuing one of these “weakly messages” over the last few months. Maybe if I had someone to impose a “deadline” on me, I’d be more product. I never liked deadlines, but they were the only things that made me productive!
Happy New Year to all and please stay active and healthy!
And Happy Birthday to Martha Taft. My late wife, Martha's older sister Pam, also shared this birthday. As did their Aunt Caroline and someone named Mozart. And it is Holocaust Remembrance Day.
Have a great weekend! I plan on skiing today – only my third time out this winter. Dianne and I have done a little snow-shoeing on our back hill. I know she wants to get out on her cross-country skis too.
Cheers.
TGI-Jeff
