TGIF - 28 July 2017

Greetings from your Friday guy on this last Friday of July. I’ve had only one other TGIF this month (3 weeks ago) and I have some personal things to share and so I made an effort to put together a message today; especially since I will be away next week too.

It’s been a very busy month and has moved along very quickly – although in general it has remained a very wet summer after a very wet spring. We’ve only had one or two days of really high temperatures.

I keep very busy with all my outdoor activities – as you know doubt know all of them by now – biking, golfing, gardening and making fires in my fire pit (to get rid of piles of dead wood on my back hill). Plus that is my spot for “contemplation and meditation” that helps keep me somewhat sane in this increasingly insane world.

Plus my indoor activities include doing financial work for my church (I’m treasurer) and helping out in the local craft brewery. That’s been a lot of fun and comes with a fringe benefit of taking home some of the product for my manual labor!

Speaking of beer, last weekend was the Burlington Beer Festival (7^th annual one, I think) and our local Trout River Brewery was there among 48 other Vermont Brewers. Daughter Joya and son-in-law Chris came up for the long weekend and we all drove up to Burlington for one of the sessions on last Friday. It was a great day and I sampled a lot of the various beers, including the world famous Heady Topper from Waterbury, VT. IPAs are all the rage now and our Trout River brand has several good single and double IPAs. Here’s to good beer! Cheers!

Since Joya was going to be here for the weekend, I convinced her to lead the service at our UU church on her various working experiences of the last 10 years. Her remarks were called “Looking at the World Through a Gender Lens” and it was indeed very impressive. Since my Dad was minister of this same church long ago and since I have led a number of services there as well, Joya was the third generation to lead a service at our Springfield UU church. Last Wednesday (the 19^th) there was a nice article in the local Springfield newspaper about her and her topic.

Coincidentally, on the same day in DC she attended a protest rally in front of the White House about the Trump-created Commission on Election Fraud. You know – about the 3 million illegals who voted for Hilary and robbed him of the majority.  She was interviewed about the protest by NPR and that evening her voice was on NPR, saying something like this: “this commission is not about voter fraud, it’s about voter suppression. Full Stop!”

And finally, it’s hard to believe but it was 50 years ago this July that my Dick family moved to Vermont – in the midst of the Summer of ’67! With flowers in our hair (when we had some) and lots of “Love-Ins” and “California Dreamin’”. I don’t know if many will agree, but my own biased view is that some of the best music ever written/performed was in that great year 1967! Can anyone suggest a better year?

But, before then, there was the 1950s. What a different world it was then – compared to today!

Food in the 1950s

Pasta had not been invented.  It was macaroni or spaghetti.

Curry was a surname.

Taco? Never saw one till I was 15.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All chips were plain.

Oil was for lubricating; fat was for cooking.

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Chickens didn't have fingers in those days.

None of us had ever heard of yogurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible!

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognized food.

“Kebab” was not even a word; never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal and stewed.

Surprisingly, Muesli was readily available.  It was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks or were round with a hole in the middle, in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

Water came out of the tap.  If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it, they would have become a laughing stock.

There were three things that we never ever had on/at our table in the fifties: elbows, hats and cell phones!

And, finally … there were two choices for each meal: "Take it" or "Leave it"

May you always walk in Sunshine, my friend.

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Now I offer you a special “Two-for-One” deal:

Take One:   It Only Takes a Good Sermon to Jog One’s Memory

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Rather than purchasing a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to an entire sermon on the Ten Commandments. 
After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously and said, "I want to thank you for saving my soul today, preacher. I came to church to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided against it." 

"You mean the Commandment, Thou shall not steal, changed your mind?" the preacher asked. 

"No, the one about adultery did," the old man said. "As soon as you said that, I remembered where I left my old hat." 

*            *            *            *            *

Take Two:   Irish Alzheimer's

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left me hat."

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Moms in Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with 4 young mothers and their small children.

“You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, “Mary”, he said, “you are obsessed with eating.  You’ve even named your daughter Candy,”

He turned to the second mom, “Ann, your possession is with money.  Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third mom and said, “Joyce, your obsession is alcohol and this, too, shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, “Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about.  I’m running late and need to pick up Peter and Willie from school.”

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            * 

Hillbilly Striptease

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.  "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

(Don't make me come 'splain this to you!)

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Rednecks Flying

Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."

One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

TWO OLD MEN

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW...... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Reunion

Does this sound familiar?

A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for a reunion lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

I apologize to some of you who actually recall having seen several times before most of the above material. But I can only use what I get and I am not getting hardly any new material.

Enough time left to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!

Until the next time!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 07 July 2017

Greetings from your Friday guy on this Friday of the week that had our 4^th of July holiday. I forgot to mention last week that Saturday the 1^st was Canada Day. So, a belated shout out to my many Canadian friends! More on the 4^th of July below in this message.

We’ve had pretty good weather in the last days after having a very wet Spring and early Summer. I’ve been doing a lot of biking and golfing and yard work whenever it hasn’t been raining. I’ve also been working some in the local craft brewery here in Springfield. They are making some really good beers and my work is paid in beers! Can’t complain!

For the third year in a row, I’ve attended a great 4^th of July party on a beautiful lake house not too far from here, hosted by friends Peter and Bonny. Each year Ambassador Paul Bremer, primarily known for his role in the Iraq transition team, who retired to Vermont several years ago, attends this party and reads either the Declaration or gives us a history quiz where we all take part in trying to guess the answers. Lots of fun, as we celebrate our nation’s anniversary.

One of the things in the news that I laughed about this week was this: National Public Radio tweeted the Declaration of Independence and many Trump supporters thought that they were promoting revolution and overthrow of President Trump – instead of King George in 1776! Okay, I’m a left-leaning liberal media-lover snob. Sorry.

Let’s see what I have to share with you all on this last day of this week!

Some short ones:

When I’m sad, I sing. But then I realize my voice is worse than my problems.

*            *            *

A man was to be excused from jury duty.

The judge asked, “Is there any good reason why you cannot serve as a juror in this trial?”

The man replied, “I don’t want to be away from my job that long.”

“Can’t they do without you at work?” asked the judge.

“Yes,” admitted the man, “but I don’t want them to realize it.”

*            *            *

I finally realize that these days people are prisoners of their phones. That’s why they are called cell phones.

*            *            *

Feeling good about yourself? Ask a little kid to draw a picture of you.

*            *            *

The glass isn’t half full or half empty. It’s just twice as big as it needs to be.

*            *            *

Too often has a reader found - when interest has lagged - that many books which have been bound, should also have been gagged.

*            *            *

While visiting Annapolis, a tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

“What are they doing?” she asked the tour guide.

“Each year,” he replied with a grin, “the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard.”

When out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious woman asked the guide, “So, what’s the answer?”

The guide replied, “One.”

*            *            *

Life was so much easier when apple and blackberry were just fruits.

*            *            *

With great power comes a huge electric bill.

*            *            *

When someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know life is really, really tough for the visually impaired.

*            *            *

Kids don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk nine feet through the shag carpet to change the TV channel.

*            *            *

Wall Street is the only place that people ride to work in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway.

*            *            *

One of the worst things about retirement is that you have to drink coffee on your own time.

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

An Irishman's first drink with his son

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness.  He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so high I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Irish Confession

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.  On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off."  She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino.  She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.  Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men....are men.

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

One day I see an old guy, maybe eighty, all dried up like a raisin, sitting on a street bench crying.

An old man crying?  How can I not go over? He might be in a will-changing mood. I walk up to him softly and ask, ‘Sir, why are you crying?’

‘What else can I do?’ the old man answers. ‘A month ago, I met a thirty-year-old woman. She’s beautiful, adorable, sexy, and we fell in love and moved in together.’

‘That’s awesome!’ I say. ‘So what’s the problem?’ 

Old guy says, ‘I’ll tell you. We start every day with two hours of wild sex, then she makes me some pomegranate juice for the iron, and I go to the doctor’s office. I come back, we have more wild sex, and she makes me a spinach quiche for the antioxidants. In the afternoon I play cards with the guys at the club, I come home, we have wild sex into the night, and this is how it goes, day after day…’ 

‘Sounds fantastic!’ I tell him. ‘I’d like me some of that! But then why are you crying?’ 

Old guy thinks for a minute and says, ‘I can’t remember where I live.’ ”

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

This past week, we here in the USA celebrated the 241^st anniversary of the issuing of the Declaration of Independence. It’s a nice holiday for celebrating the birth of our country with backyard barbeques and ice cream and fireworks. Unfortunately, the night of our fireworks got rained out with torrential rains.

I’ve seen the following before and it is hard to believe that this was the fate of most of the signers of the Declaration.

Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?

Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they
died.

Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned.

Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons
captured.

Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.

They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.

What kind of men were they?

Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists.

Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well-educated, but they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well
that the penalty would be death if they were captured.

Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from
the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.

Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family
almost constantly.  He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.

Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett,
Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.

At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson,Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General
George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and
she died within a few months.

John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children
fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished.

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend! The summer has finally arrived and we’re enjoying it. Sometimes I wish it could always be summer. But then – I do love all the seasons! But I love all the perennials that bloom at different times and equally enjoy all the summer annuals that I buy and plant all around, including some nice hanging plants.

Take care.

TGI-Jeff