TGIF - 26 April 2013

Greetings from the TGIF guy for the first time since 12 April. The following Monday, the 15^th, was Patriot’s Day in Boston and the Monday that is a holiday in Massachusetts and the day the Boston Marathon is run. Patriot’s Day was originally on April 19^th - as that day in 1775 was the day that Paul Revere warned the colonists of the Massachusetts Bay Colony of the advances of the British military towards Lexington and Concord (where the munitions were stored) which involved the “shot heard ‘round the world” and the beginning of the American Revolutionary War.

As we all know now, this celebratory day this year in Boston was shattered by an awful bombing (2 bombs about 10 seconds apart near the finish line of the Marathon) that killed 3 persons and seriously wounded another 250 or so. Another horrific and senseless tragedy! Fortunately, by the end of a strange week in Boston, they caught the perpetrators by last Friday evening. And fortunately, it was not seen as an Islamic attack or one associated with Al Qaeda.

Meanwhile, here in Vermont we have one day of winter, then one day of summer, followed by one day of spring. On Tuesday this week it was cloudy/overcast and about 45 degrees. On Wednesday – once the sun burned the clouds away, it got up to 80 degrees and felt like summer. Thursday was cool and cloudy in the morning and turned out to be sunny and warm.

We are all looking forward to warmer weather and summer to appear and remain with us!

Hopefully, the mercury in the thermometers will continue to rise!

Gold and Silver prices plunge...

So,

Invest in Mercury

It’s likely to rise in summer!

*            *            *

MALI

"The new camel will be sent to Paris.  We are ashamed of what happened to the camel"  - a Mali official, vowing that his government will give French President Francois Hollande a "bigger and better-looking camel" after the one it gave him in thanks for helping repel Islamist rebels was killed and eaten by the family he left it with in Timbuktu.

That was on Wednesday. By Friday the French government had issued a statement saying that the camel's demise had all been the result of an unfortunate misunderstanding - that the family thought they were being asked to eat the camel, not feed it.  Now, my francais is more than a tad rusty, but 'preter' does not sound anything like 'manger’ . . .

I saw a video clip of the late camel.  It was somewhat small, but really cute and blond.  But it was extremely noisy.

Anyway, just remember to be sure and take your camel with you at all times, even if it means buying an extra seat on the plane.  Or you could develop a taste for camel ragout  . . . .

*            *            *

This is a story that is perfectly logical to all males:

A woman says to her male partner “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6?”   

A short time later the man returns with 6 cartons of milk.

The woman asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replies, "They had avocados."

 (If you're female, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!)  

*            *            *

DA END ISS NEAR!

Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:

DA END ISS NEAR!

TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car sped past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash. Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks,

"Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"

*            *            *

A Cup of Tea

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.

My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

*            *            *

Dorothy's DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.

Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.

Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me,

bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined.

He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship ... I was shocked.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 2600 lives.

Twice.

*            *            *            *            *

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy street. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a police officer. He took her to the police station where she placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, the policeman opened the cell door and said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"

*            *            *            *            *

23 Adult Truths

1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?I need to know this.

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty, but Jeans? Jeans never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

*            *            *            *            *

A 50- something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man. Disgusted, the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said "I cannot sit here next to this black man."

The fight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat." After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class."

About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class."

Before the woman could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said, "Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person."

Passengers in the seats nearby began to applaud while some gave a standing ovation.

*            *            *            *            *

TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC for this week:

Nag – Nag - Nag

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.  His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed ....

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,--- 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU

EVER STOP?!'

*            *            *            *            *

It’s time for me to stop! I suggest that you all “hang in there” as summer is just around the corner. Go out there and buy that Mercury stock, as it is about to rise!

Have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!

See ya next week, hopefully.

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 12 April 2013

Greetings from Vermont on this Friday in the middle of our 5^th season, known as “mud”. From our local paper: “… the time of year when thawing winter landscape turns dirt roads into mucky seas and paved highways into frosty roller coasters sprinkled with potholes …”. Obviously, this fact and these conditions at this time of year are not featured on the State’s tourist promotions. “It’s the ugly mirror image to the picture-perfect foliage of September and October that draws millions to look at mountains painted red and gold.”

As it comes at the end of winter and before spring arrives, it is often the time of year when Vermonters of some means head south to warmer “climes” for a week or two, tired of the long winter, warding off “cabin fever” and just getting away from mud season. For others here, this period between end of winter and spring is their busy time for “sugaring”. The maple sap flows best with warm days and cold nights and so the sap is collected and boiled down to create that Vermont liquid gold – maple syrup.

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life... we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I told her : ‘Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me.... then proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin, vodka & the beer in the fridge...

 I ALMOST DIED!!

 Moral :

 1. Think about what you wish for…

 2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male's.

*            *            *

A Musical One, that I hope doesn’t fall flat. 

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. 

Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

*            *            *

After a long day of fishing, Bob speeds home on the back roads. At the end of a bridge, a cop jumps out with a radar gun and motions Bob to pull over.

The cop walks up to the window and says, "You were going 67 in a 55 zone."

The cop takes a closer look at Bob's stained fishing attire and says, "You don't even look like you have a job."

Bob answers, "I have a well paying job. I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop, scratches his head, asks, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explains, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then, I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop asks, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

Bob answers, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge.”

*            *            *

A guy gets stopped by the bouncer at a nightclub. "You have to wear a tie," says the bouncer.

The guy goes back to his car and finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around his neck, and goes back to the club.

The bouncer lets him in but warns, "I'll be watching, so you better not start anything!”

*            *            *

Two ladies, a Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to each other on a plane.

The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where y'all from?"

The Yankee replies, "I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition."

Without missing a beat, the Southern Belle bats her lashes and asks, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

*            *            *

A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused.

She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?"

"I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'

*            *            *

Top Ten Reasons Gay Marriage Is Wrong

1. Being gay is not natural. And as you know Americans have always rejected unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because, as you know, a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. The sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

*            *            *

I have a couple of good oldies today for the TGIF Golden Classics section, that I received recently.

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My  Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old,

can no longer satisfy.  I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.  Therefore,

after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I  will be spending

the evening with my 18 year old  secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.  Please don't be upset----

I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear  Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty

about my being 57 years old.  I would like to take this opportunity to

remind you that you are also 57 years old also.  As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.  I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.  He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman, who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand

that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference  - 18 goes into 57 a

lot more times than 57 goes into 18.

"Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow"

*            *            *

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach, when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' 

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

 *            *            *            *            *

Time to close. So, no matter where you are, whether it’s mud season or dry season or rainy season or fall or spring, hope you enjoy the weather, made even better by the fact that today is Friday, Thank God, and you can now look forward to the weekend!

Have a good one!

TGI-Jeff