Greetings at the end of April from here at my homestead in Vermont. It’s been almost 2 months since I last issued one of these “weakly” messages at the end of the work week. But hey, it’s Friday once again, so let’s thank God for that!
I guess my excuse is that I’ve had other things on my plate – but I can’t really remember what those were/are at this moment. Some skiing; some tennis and even some golfing. And I’m on a planning committee for my college graduating class of 1973’s 50th reunion in June 2023! I have stepped down from a few of my boards and so I should have more time to devote to important things – like getting rid of stuff and issuing your Friday dose of humor. I’ll try.
In recent weeks, we’ve had Easter and Passover and now the Muslim month of Ramadan is ending shortly. So, it’s been an interesting convergence of 3 of the world’s major religions.
I wish all of my Muslim friends “Eid Mubarack”!
A few of my distant friends have wondered if Vermont is thawing out from winter. I responded to one that it has only snowed 3 times in the last 10 days. I also told them about the awful mud season we had this year. The tow trucks were very busy and certainly made some money, as they were pulling vehicles out of the muck and even several school buses. Reminds of the old Vermont joke about the couple who are trying to negotiate an extremely muddy road in rural Vermont, when they spot a man’s hat on top of the mud in the middle of the road. So, they go over and pick up the hat and there is a farmer that was under it. They told him that they would go get help to pull him out. The farmer replied that it better be a whole lot of help since he was sitting on his tractor!
So, the good news is that it seems that mud season is now behind us. The bad news that it is now tick season and soon will follow the black fly season. After that, there will be about one week of spring and then summer and road construction begins! But I still wouldn’t trade Vermont for another location – at least not yet.
Dianne and I drove down to the Poconos in Pennsylvania last weekend to spend it with my son Jonathan and his lovely wife, Melissa. Melissa’s parents bought the place about 15 years ago and often spent the summer months there as well as the occasional weekend away from their home in Queens. Thanks to Jon and Melissa for a great weekend of touring around the area and eating!
Jon and Melissa are making a short trip to Spain to celebrate her birthday. Bon vaoyage!
Let’s see if any of you have sent me some material to use. AI know I got a few good ones. So, let’s dive in!
I mentioned Passover; so here’s one:
10 signs you are at a Republican seder:
10. They refuse to answer the four questions without a subpoena.
9. They demand a recount of the ten plagues.
8. They defend not increasing the minimum wage on the grounds that according to Chad Gadya it still costs only two zuzzim to buy a goat.
7. The afikomen is hidden in the Cayman Islands.
6. They refuse to open the door for Elijah until they see his immigration papers.
5. They attack Moses for negotiating a deal with Pharoah because why would we negotiate with our enemies?
4. They don't understand why the Egyptians didn’t cure the plagues with hydroxychloroquine.
3. They omit the parts about slavery from the Haggadah because it reminds them of Critical Race Theory.
2. They keep saying “when do we get to the miracle of the Jewish space lasers?”
And the number one sign that you might be at a Republican seder:
!. They end the seder by singing "Next year in Mar-a-Lago."
* * * * * * * *
And speaking of a few of the major religions in the world:
The Pope and the Jews in Rome
It was a sunny day in Rome when the Pope decided that he wants all the Jews out of Rome. Of course, there was a huge protest from the Jewish sector. So the Pope decided he will give them a chance. He invited them to send their greatest mind for a religious debate with him. If the Jewish man won, the Jews could remain living in the city. If the Pope won, the Jews had to leave. At the Jewish community, they realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too much responsibility, what if they failed?
The only one willing was an old man named Moishe. Being old, he decided he had less to lose. "I've seen and done it a lot in my life. I'm not afraid." he said. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk.
The Pope accepted this, thinking it a wise decision and will prevent them from repeating the same old arguments. The day of the holy debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for several minutes, contemplating each other. Then the Pope raised his hand and unfurled them to show three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised just one finger. The Pope waved his finger in a circle around himself. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat emphatically. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay!'
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was everywhere and will wherever they go from this place. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us, judging us always. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me that we are born with original sin. The man had an answer for everything. What could I do??'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! 'What happened?' they asked. 'Well,' said Moishe, 'first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.' 'And then?' asked a woman. 'I don't know,' Moishe shrugged. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'
* * * * * * * *
And speaking of Easter, here is a groaner for you:
ONE EASTER, A MOTHER WAS TEACHING HER DAUGHTER TO DRIVE
WHEN OUT OF NOWHERE A RABBIT JUMPED ON THE ROAD.
SLAMMING ON THE BRAKES/ THE DAUGHTER SAID, "I NEARLY RUINED
EASTER! I ALMOST RAN OVER THE EASTER BUNNY."
HER MOTHER REPLIED, "IT'S OKAY GIRL-YOU MISSED IT BY A HARE."
* * * * * * * *
Robot Bartender
A man walks into a bar and there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "Hey… What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious. So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whisky."
The robot gives it to the man and says, "Hey… What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, the NFL, and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves but finds it all so fascinating that he goes back one more time. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Beer," the robot serves it to him, then says, "Hey…What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, “Isn’t it terrible the way Biden stole the election?"
* * * * * * * *
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
* * * * * * * *
In a Manner of Speaking . . . “The Diamond Necklace”
A husband and wife were walking down a high street when the wife spots a beautiful diamond necklace in a jewelry store window. She urges her husband to go inside so that she can take a look at it. Although she wants it, he simply doesn’t have to buy it for her, but he promises that it’ll be hers one day. A month passes, and the wife is at home wondering where on earth her husband is. She angrily calls his cell phone. "Where the hell are you?!?" she yells. "Darling, you remember that jewelry store where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?" "Yeah, I remember that my love!" she replies, smiling and blushing as she does, her anger changing to euphoria. "I'm in the bar just next to that shop."
* * * * * * * *
The Blonde in Paris
A blonde was traveling abroad and wanted to see the Eiffel Tower. She tried to ask people and found a policeman who agreed to help her.
She asked him "Sorry, how do I get from here to the Eiffel Tower?"
The policeman replied: "Wait for bus 37 and get on it, it'll take you there in 10 minutes."
The blonde thanked the policeman and he left. Hours later, he happened to go by the same place he left the woman, just to see the blonde is still there!
"Why are you still here?" The policeman asked, "I left you 4 hours ago and you haven't boarded the bus?"
"Oh don't worry, Mr. Policeman sir, just a moment ago, the 30th bus passed, there are only seven left to go!"
* * * * * * * *
Honesty is the Best Policy
A man faces a violation for adding horse meat to the chicken stew in his restaurant.
At the court he’s asked why he did it and how much horse meat was in those stew.
“For the money of course and I solemnly swear I always kept the ratio 50:50!” While the infraction caused many unhappy customers, upon seeing the man’s honesty the judge decides not to revoke his license. However he in turn must always advertise that horse is part of the ingredients. With a sigh of relief, the restaurant owner pays the fine and walks out of the court house with his wife and friend
His friend asked him “Did you really put horse meat or did you add anything else with the chicken?”
“Nope. Only horse meat and chicken”. “
Now tell me the truth man, come on, it was mostly horse meat wasn’t it?”
“Nope. It was always 50:50... one horse per one chicken.”
* * * * * * * *
The Survivor
In June of 1941, Hitler's Army began a rampage through Ukraine, razing towns, unleashing death squads, and massacring Jews by the hundreds of thousands. In one village in the Pale of Settlement, virtually the only region of the Soviet Empire in which Jews were permitted to reside, four Jewish brothers enlisted in the military, said goodbye to their parents, and walked off to fight the Nazis.
By the war's end in 1945, only one of the brothers, named Semyon, was still alive. He returned to find that the Nazis had torched his entire village, burning his parents to death. Semyon's family was dead, and his beloved Ukraine was in ruins. The Nazis had murdered between 1.2 and 1.6 million Ukrainian Jews.
Semyon married a fellow Ukrainian Jew who had survived the war by fleeing her city, in which the Nazis had killed 5,000 Jews. Two years later, in that same city, they had a son, Oleksandr, keeping alive the family line that the Nazis had brought a razor's width from extinction. Thirty-one years after that, Oleksandr had his own little boy.
That boy was Volodymyr Zelensky, who grew up to become the President of independent, democratic Ukraine. Today, he leads his outmanned, outgunned, ferociously defiant nation against the onslaught of Russia. As Russia dashes itself against the will of his people, Zelensky, the survivor of survivors, summons the resilience of his ancestors. He does not bend.
* * * * * * * *
TGIF editor’s note: I did not check to see if this is true – but it’s a good story, even if not.
Let’s hope the Ukrainians can continue to hold their country against this inhuman invasion!
* * *
It’s time to wrap this one up and ready it for sending to you all. I wish you a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend. Dianne and I are hosting our monthly social bridge group here tomorrow night. Look forward to that. We will have 3 tables. I hope I get some good cards!!!
Until the next time, and that depends on contributions from you all!
TGI-Jeff
