Greetings from your Friday guy. I can’t believe that it is already September! What happened? We did have a very busy August, as you may recall. Dianne and I got married in a small ceremony with our kids, their spouses, and her grandkids. It was a beautiful day and the ceremony was on the lawn next to the lake where Dianne has spent her summers for many years. Her son was the officiant and did a great job. My sons each read pieces that we had chosen, and Joya did the toast to us at the evening dinner at our favorite inn/restaurant. The weather was great and the only person present that was not one of our kids or Dianne’s grandkids was our photographer. After the ceremony, everyone changed into their bathing suits and jumped off the dock into the lake. Well, maybe not everyone. The younger ones!
I wish to thank all of you who sent wedding well wishes!
The every-other year Taft Family Reunion (a favorite of our family) which was not held during the peak of Covid, resumed on the weekend of August 12th/13th, the reason we chose the 11th to have our wedding. And just to pack more good family celebrations into those few days, Joya organized a nice celebratory lunch for Philip and Kailey at a nearby brewery to recognize their marriage, which was a planned elopement at the end of June. They were married on the beach at Big Sur at the end of June. They hadn’t wanted a big wedding. So, our close Taft family relatives joined us to recognize Phil and Kailey’s union on the 13th.
Dianne and I feel blessed to have rediscovered each other and have tied the knot. We look forward to many years together. I don’t think she will be attending any married women’s seminars in the near future, though. At least, I hope not!
The Married Women’s Seminar
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered 'today', a few 'yesterday', and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart."
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you'll understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean.
6. What did you do now?
8 Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
* * * * * * * *
𝐎𝐥𝐝 𝐇𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐖𝐢𝐬𝐝𝐨𝐦:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
If you don't take the time to do it right, you'll find the time to do it twice.
Don't corner something that is meaner than you.
Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
Don't be banging your shin on a stool that's not in the way.
Borrowing trouble from the future doesn't deplete the supply.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Silence is sometimes the best answer.
Don‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Most times, it just gets down to common sense.
* * * * * * * *
Revenge of the Statues
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them. "That I'm going to give you a special gift..." "I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two beautiful figures approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from where shortly there could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches... The angel, as pure as he was, couldn't hold a somewhat-less-than-holy curiosity, so he crept close and peeked beyond the bushes. He saw the two of them standing strangely, holding a pigeon.
Grinning widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said: "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll do my business on its head."
* * * * * * * *
SEX AFTER DEATH!!!
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he
made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Frank?"
"Yes, I've come back as we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more
times.
Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp
around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and
then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a fucking rabbit somewhere in Scotland"
* * * * * * * *
RETIREMENT CHOICES
Retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
OR
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
OR
You can retire to New York City
where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ..
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note: If you have a car..).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR
You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ..
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for a casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.
OR
You can retire to the Deep South where....
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."
It's important to know the difference, too.
OR
You can retire to Colorado where....
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
OR FINALLY
You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
* * * * * * * *
And finally, it’s time for this week’s TGIF Golden Classic
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floo, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So, she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
* * * * * * * *
I don’t know if Dianne visited that store. Probably not, as she doesn’t like elevators. She’ll just to have to live with: he has a pension, he loves kids and helps with housework. Maybe she could just use the stairs for those qualities in me.
We are coming into our Labor Day weekend. A good time for families to get together at the end of the summer. We’ll be spending it with Dianne’s son’s in-laws on Buzzards Bay in Massachusetts. Hope you all have nice weekends wherever you may be!
TGI-Jeff
