Greetings to my faithful readers at this difficult time that we are going through. Some humour is necessary to get us through all of this. I suspect you would agree with me. So, since we are all at home and self-isolating, there is really no big thing about it being Friday. It’s like we are all retired now. We are retired to our own residences. Our Vermont governor declared yesterday that as of today, we should all stay at home. Except for shopping for essential items and so forth.
It’s been good to be in touch with loved ones over these last days and my church is doing a lot of things online or via zoom. Dianne and I have been cooking for each other and trading houses over the last days and this will likely continue. I grow tired of listening to the radio and am starting to listen to more classical music and other music to help me get through these days.
We got 6 inches of new snow earlier this week, but with the warm temperatures of spring, a lot of it has melted already and I’m fed up with winter and ready for spring to break out. Besides, I can’t ski anymore anyway. But today, Dianne and I went snowshoeing near her house and it was great!
I’ve had one friend get the coronavirus so far, but he seems to be okay. There have not been a lot of cases in Vermont, but that may change soon, as it ramps up all over the US.
So, it’s time to have some humor! N’est-ce pas?
An Easy Guide to Newspapers (from the Internet, our unparalleled & unimpeachable source of information!)
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could find the time, and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
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Simple Truths
"There are three things that cannot be easily hidden, the sun, the moon, the truth."
Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life
SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."
But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job"
Moral of the observation -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the observation -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex!
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you - for doing that?"
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.”
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Inner Peace at this Difficult Time
Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!! 🥃
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The President’s Trip to Israel
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel.
While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.
The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him,
"You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100."
The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes.
They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?"
The American diplomats reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the chance."
While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.
The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him,
"You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100."
The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes.
They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?"
The American diplomats reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the chance."
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VUS TITZUCH
President Trump calls the Head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we do?"
The CIA chief replies, "The Jews have this expression:
'Vus titzuch?' "
The President asks, "What does that mean?"
"Well, Mr. President," replies the CIA chief, "it's a Yiddish expression that roughly translates to 'what's happening'.
They just ask each other and that's how they find out about everything."
The President decides to go undercover to determine if this is true. He dresses up as an Orthodox Jew. Wearing the traditional black hat, beard, long black coat the whole schtick.
The President is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off in Crown Heights, Brooklyn 's most Jewish neighborhood.
Soon a little old man comes shuffling along.
The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?"
VUS TITZUCH
President Trump calls the Head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we do?"
The CIA chief replies, "The Jews have this expression:
'Vus titzuch?' "
The President asks, "What does that mean?"
"Well, Mr. President," replies the CIA chief, "it's a Yiddish expression that roughly translates to 'what's happening'.
They just ask each other and that's how they find out about everything."
The President decides to go undercover to determine if this is true. He dresses up as an Orthodox Jew. Wearing the traditional black hat, beard, long black coat the whole schtick.
The President is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off in Crown Heights, Brooklyn 's most Jewish neighborhood.
Soon a little old man comes shuffling along.
The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?"
The old guy whispers back, "That shmuck Trump is in Brooklyn today”.
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I’m a strong believer that there is a spiritual purpose behind everything that happens, whether that is what we perceive as being good or being bad.
As I meditate upon this, I want to share with you what I feel the Corona/ Covid-19 virus is really doing to us:
- It is reminding us that we are all equal, regardless of our culture, religion, occupation, financial situation or how famous we are. This disease treats us all equally, perhaps we should to. If you don’t believe me,
just ask Tom Hanks.
- It is reminding us that we are all connected and something that affects one person has an effect on another. It is reminding us that the false borders that we have put up have little value as this virus does not need a passport. It is reminding us, by oppressing us for a short time, of those in this world whose whole life is spent in oppression.
- It is reminding us of how precious our health is and how we have moved to neglect it through eating nutrient poor manufactured food and drinking water that is contaminated with chemicals upon chemicals. If we don’t look after our health, we will, of course, get sick.
- It is reminding us of the shortness of life and of what is most important for us to do, which is to help each other, especially those who are old or sick. Our purpose is not to buy toilet roll.
- It is reminding us of how materialistic our society has become and how, when in times of difficulty, we remember that it’s the essentials that we need (food, water, medicine) as opposed to the luxuries that we sometimes unnecessarily give value to.
- It is reminding us of how important our family and home life is and how much we have neglected this. It is forcing us back into our houses so we can rebuild them into our home and to strengthen our family unit.
- It is reminding us that our true work is not our job, that is what we do, not what we were created to do. Our true work is to look after each other, to protect each other and to be of benefit to one another.
- It is reminding us to keep our egos in check. It is reminding us that no matter how great we think we are or how great others think we are, a virus can bring our world to a standstill.
- It is reminding us that the power of freewill is in our hands. We can choose to cooperate and help each other, to share, to give, to help and to support each other or we can choose to be selfish, to hoard, to look after only our self. Indeed, it is difficulties that bring out our true colors.
- It is reminding us that we can be patient, or we can panic. We can either understand that this type of situation has happened many times before in history and will pass, or we can panic and see it as the end of the world and, consequently, cause ourselves more harm than good.
- It is reminding us that this can either be an end or a new beginning. This can be a time of reflection and understanding, where we learn from our mistakes, or it can be the start of a cycle which will continue until we finally learn the lesson we are meant to.
- It is reminding us that this Earth is sick. It is reminding us that we need to look at the rate of deforestation just as urgently as we look at the speed at which toilet rolls are disappearing off of shelves. We are sick because our home is sick.
- It is reminding us that after every difficulty, there is always ease. Life is cyclical, and this is just a phase in this great cycle. We do not need to panic; this too shall pass.
Whereas many see the Corona/ Covid-19 virus as a great disaster, I prefer to see it as a great corrector.
It is sent to remind us of the important lessons that we seem to have forgotten and it is up to us if we will learn them or not.
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So, stay safe and healthy!
See ya!
TGI-Jeff
