Greetings from your not-so-regular TGIF guy in this first issue of 2021. Therefore, I must begin with a wish for you and your loved ones that this year is better than 2020 and that you will remain healthy and that we get through this pandemic, the sooner the better. The vaccines are being given, although it will take several months before everyone gets it. Keep wearing the mask and distancing until we all get through this.
I looked back and have seen that the last TGIF message was at the end of November. I have to admit that I’ve been pretty lazy – but then again, upon checking to see what new, useable material I had accumulated since then was only good enough to make one message, the one below. So, it seems to take 2 months to gather enough material to publish. That’s pretty pathetic, folks! I do have to thank my good WFP friend, Tom, who sent me the annual year-end summary by Dave Barry, of the year 2020. I always loved his writing and Tom remembered this. So, if I have no new contributions in the next week, I may use his long piece, dividing it up over two Fridays, as it is quite long, but worth it.
On the home front there is not to much to report. I have been skiing and it’s been pretty good. Also, a bit of snow shoeing and XC skiing. I skied today with some good friends and it was great. Dianne and I have been enjoying cooking and eating and maybe a little too much. The diet starts tomorrow.
I think I’ll avoid any political comments, other than I am very optimistic about this incoming administration. I even know a few of Biden’s nominees, who are quite good.
I have to start with this one, which is a perfect “sign of the times”!
Who would have thought one day we would be smoking weed at a family gathering, but the illegal part would be the family gathering.
Marijuana is legal, haircuts are not.
It took 50 years, but the hippies have finally won!!!
TGIF editor’s note: I love this one!
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The Covid-19 Lockdown
PLEASE be careful because people are going crazy from being locked down at home!
I was just talking about this with the microwave and the toaster while drinking my coffee, and we all agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn’t mention any of this to the washing machine, because she puts a different spin on EVERYTHING!!
Certainly couldn’t share with the fridge, cause he’s been acting cold and distant!
In the end, the iron straightened me out! She said the situation isn’t all that pressing and all the wrinkles will soon get ironed out!
The vacuum, however, was very unsympathetic…told me to just suck it up!
But the fan was VERY optimistic and gave me hope that it will all blow over soon!
The toilet looked a bit flushed but didn’t say anything when I asked its opinion, but the front door said I was becoming unhinged and the doorknob told me to get a grip!!
You can just about guess what the curtains told me: they told me to “pull myself together!”
We will survive!!
* * * * * * * *
A THRILLING STORY OF A YOUNG WOMAN, ABOUT TO CRASH, IN A SMALL AIRCRAFT!
This is the story of a young Seattle college student flying in the right seat of a small plane with an old pilot. The pilot has a heart attack and dies. The young lady passenger frantically grabs the mike and calls out: "May Day! May Day! Help me!”
Help me! The pilot just had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me.
She then hears a calming voice on the radio saying: "This is Sea-Tac Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm, and everything will be fine!
"Now give me your height and position.
She replies, "I'm 5' 4" and I support Joe Biden."
"O.K.", says the calm voice on the radio. "Now slowly repeat after me: “Our Father, who art in Heaven.”
* * * * * * * *
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring
pizza.”
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and
leave the house.
It’s weird being the same age as old people.
When I was a kid I wanted to be older … this is not what I expected.
Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that
true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to
slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember …
don’t sing!
During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine
and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one
ends?
If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH
and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to
re-shingle your roof?
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg
through my underwear without losing my balance.
We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct
to, ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’
So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
If you can’t think of a word say, “I forgot the English word for it.” That
way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going
out.
Coronacoaster-noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic.
One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread
and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for
breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m
12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum
cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my
exit.
How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought, “Well
aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”
At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a
load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”
You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try
to get back up.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information
in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
* * * * * * * *
Ukranian Firefighters Save the Day
One dark night near a small town in Alberta, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact. 'But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Newdale rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, 'What are you going to do with all that money? ''Vell,' said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief,'.....da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck.'
* * * * * * * *
So, it’s now time for the TGIF Golden Classic
Senior Sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So, he follows them.
The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
* * * * * * * *
All of my good friends, from the high school class of 1969, are and will be turning 70 this year. My best friend, Tod, turned 70 last week, and my late-wife, Pam, (my TGIF proofreader) would have been 70 on the 27th and we all thought of her and remembered her. My daughter, Joya, wrote a really nice tribute to her on Facebook.
Hope all of you will get your vaccine as soon as that is possible.
Wishing you all good health!
Until the next time, TGIF!
TGI-Jeff
