Greetings on this last day of the work week. But just how many of you are actually working? From home? Maybe. I am working – in my home. Lots of projects and sorting of things and de-cluttering. It’s good. Of course, I have to make time for an early afternoon nap. I do wake up fairly early, due to the sun shining in on my face at about 6:30. Often I am up before then, when the light comes into the room.
A friend and former colleague wrote me to say that he enjoyed my sharing my family car traveling stories of a few weeks ago and encouraged me to do more of that. So, today I will share a few more of those. Since we are all staying at home and people are posing certain questions on social media, like what, if we can remember, was our very first phone number. Lots of people I know posted a 7-digit number of their first phone number. What was mine? I responded that my first phone number was: 2 longs and a short. That’s from the Morse Code. In rural Ohio in 1955 we were on a party line with a few neighbors and our phone number was two longs and a short. (Dash-dash-dot), The telephone was a big box mounted on the wall, with a hand-held receiver that you held to your ear to listen and you spoke into metallic mouth piece attached to the box on the wall. Our neighbor, Mrs. Granger, was on our party line and was a terrible gab and gossiper, as I recall. If we ever had an urgent need to call someone, like the doctor, we’d have to interrupt her and ask her to hang up so that we can make a call. She would hang up for a brief time and then pick up again to listen to our call. The Good Ole Days??? Maybe.
Dianne and I continue to spend some of our time working on our latest 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. We’ve finished about 6 of them over the last month or so of self-isolating. I shop for food at our local Food Coop, and they have curbside pickup, which is great. Once a week, I put in an order online at 8 am and pick it up at noon or so. There haven’t been too many cases of the virus in our area, though, which is good. In all of Vermont, as of today, there have been about 850 positive tests, with about 43 fatalities. So, it seems we have also flattened the curve. But, many warn of an uptake if we try to open up too soon. I agree.
Thank you for all of you who sent me the YouTube video of a guy singing “The Liar Tweets Tonight” based on the song, The Lion Sleeps Tonight, with the new chorus for Donald Trump is “Vote Him Away”. It’s very good. But, you know, I don’t do videos or cartoons, and like stuff. So, I’m sure you’ll receive it from one of your friends in the next 48 hours, if you haven’t already.
The Islamic month of Ramadan begins today, I believe. I wish all my Muslim friends well and although you cannot congregate as usual, that you may get through it as well as possible.
Normally, this past week (the 15th) was our USA tax day, when we have to submit our tax returns to the Internal Revenue Service. This year, due to the COVID19, this submission date has been moved back to July 15th.
The only effective way to eliminate tax loopholes is to eliminate politicians.
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”
“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”
The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.’”
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A Sign on a BookStore that was recently posted:
Please Note: The Post-apocalyptical fiction section has been moved to Current Affairs.
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I thought you might enjoy a peak into our COVID-19 diary.
Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!
Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??
Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.
Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jell-O Shots!!
Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear.
Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!
Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.
Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.
Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”
Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.
Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidently touch your face.
Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3–1.
Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?
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Someone sent this to me and I’m passing it along - a different perspective to think about self-isolation, to stay on track and stay grateful:
1. There are no bombs raining on our heads.
2. I am not a prisoner held in solitary confinement, as millions are.
3. I am not a refugee trying to escape with my life.
4. I am not standing in line waiting to fill a pot of water.
5. I have access to fresh food and I'm not starving.
6. I have hot running water.
7. My country has not been ruined by years of war.
8. I can reach my friends by phone and check in on them.
9. My friends check in on me because they care about me.
10. Any whiplash I feel about this strange turn of events is itself a sign of privilege.
11. More than half of the world would gladly trade their everyday problems for the modest inconveniences I am experiencing.
12. I may have anxious dreams but I'm dreaming them on a proper bed and I'm not sleeping on the sidewalk.
13. By staying at home, I'm helping the planet rest.
14. As long as I have my mind I can create, imagine, dream and not be lonely.
15. This global crisis connects me to people around the world and reminds me of our common humanity. This is a good thing.
16. When something tragic happens to another country next time, I will respond to it not with superiority, but humility and recognition.
17. I will fight for positive changes and economically just policies in my own country.
18. I am surrounded by books.
19. I am surrounded by love.
20. The trees have already begun to bloom.
Stay safe / Stay healthy
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Marital Bliss
Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year,
And every year Bill would say, "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Blanche always replied, "I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks. And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
One year, Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied, "Bill, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went…
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks;
But still not a word....
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!
"Bill replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Blanche fell out. But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks"
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Not that we have some time on our hands, here are some more things to ponder:
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say that they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why is it that you are IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars in order to see things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway!
Why is “bra” singular” and “panties” plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in the boat?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Now, why did you just try singing those two songs?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
How did the man who made the first clock know what time it was?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Why do you have to “put your two cents in” … but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going?
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Two Hillbillies in a Restaurant
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman ...begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman ...begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seen nobody do it!'
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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic
The Hired Ranch Hand
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the
gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.
" The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally, he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her… "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly…
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally, he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her… "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly…
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.
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Usually, I end my Friday message with the TGIF Golden Classic, but for today I am going to end with the following:
This was written by Pablo Neruda, from Chile, who died in 1973, so he did not write it now for the Covid 19, but so apt. He wrote it In English - informal English, at that.
IN THE TIME OF QUIET
No one’s told the daffodils about the pause to Spring
And no one’s told the birds to roost and asked them not to sing
No one’s asked the lazy bee to cease his bumbling round
And no one’s stopped the bright green shoots emerging through the ground
No one’s told the sap to rest, deep within the wood
And stop the sleepy trees from waking, wreathed about in bud
No one’s told the sky to douse its brightest shades of blue
And stop the scudding clouds from puffing headlong into view
No one’s asked the lambs to still the springs beneath their feet,
To stop their rapid rush and quell each joyful bleat
No one’s told the stream to halt its gurgle or its flow
And warned the playful breezes, not to gust and blow
No one’s asked the raindrops not to fall upon the earth
And fail to quench the soil in the season of rebirth
No one’s locked the sun down, or dimmed the shimmer of the moon
And even in the darkest night, the stars are still immune
Remember what you value, remember who is dear
Close the doors to danger and keep your family near
In the quiet all around us take the time to sit and stare
And wonder at the glory unfurling everywhere
Look towards the future, after the ordeal
And keep faith in Mother Nature’s power & will to heal
No one’s told the daffodils about the pause to Spring
And no one’s told the birds to roost and asked them not to sing
No one’s asked the lazy bee to cease his bumbling round
And no one’s stopped the bright green shoots emerging through the ground
No one’s told the sap to rest, deep within the wood
And stop the sleepy trees from waking, wreathed about in bud
No one’s told the sky to douse its brightest shades of blue
And stop the scudding clouds from puffing headlong into view
No one’s asked the lambs to still the springs beneath their feet,
To stop their rapid rush and quell each joyful bleat
No one’s told the stream to halt its gurgle or its flow
And warned the playful breezes, not to gust and blow
No one’s asked the raindrops not to fall upon the earth
And fail to quench the soil in the season of rebirth
No one’s locked the sun down, or dimmed the shimmer of the moon
And even in the darkest night, the stars are still immune
Remember what you value, remember who is dear
Close the doors to danger and keep your family near
In the quiet all around us take the time to sit and stare
And wonder at the glory unfurling everywhere
Look towards the future, after the ordeal
And keep faith in Mother Nature’s power & will to heal
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I can see from my backyard that despite the coronavirus, Mother Nature is working her annual mystery of regenerating plants and flowers and trees and bugs and birds and bees and butterflies. So, let’s enjoy it! The wonders of Spring!
I say that although the temperature was down below freezing last night and may be again tonight. I hope the maple sap is flowing.
Stay safe and healthy!
TGI-Jeff
