TGIF - 15 December 2023

  

Greetings from your occasional “Friday Guy”! I try, but there is just so much else to do that keeps me away from my “hobby/duty” on Thursday evenings. I guess I could say that “Life gets in the way”.

We’ve had some snow here but at the time of this writing, we have very little on the ground. I went skiing these last few days, just long enough to start to get my legs in shape for it. My leg muscles are quite sore, and my bad knee is complaining a bit during the night. I learned many years ago that the only thing to do to get in shape for skiing is “to go skiing”!

One positive about issuing only occasional TGIF messages is that joke contributions tend to accumulate a bit, so that I have some choice from what’s in the jokes bag to select from. I have even received some material from some friends who hardly ever before sent me anything. I know that I used to threaten you all that I will drop you from the membership list if you don’t contribute; but I think you realize that I would not really do that. A few of you “non-contributors” have even sent me messages, when not receiving a TGIF message in weeks, wondering if I had dropped them from the list due to the lack of contributions. However, if you really feel bad, I’ll accept cash, check, money order or credit card info.

The Little Old Lady

An old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500".

The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $2,000, please use the ATM.”

The old lady wanted to know why ...

The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line behind you.”

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “My apologies Ma'am, you have $35 million in your account and our bank doesn't have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.

The teller told her any amount up to $250,000.

"Well, please let me have $250,000 now", she requested. The teller did so quickly, then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her elderly client.

The old lady put $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $249,500 back into her account.

Don’t be difficult with old people; they spent a lifetime learning the skills!

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Speeding

 

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer.

“I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say…!"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,

"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.

"I'm the groom."

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Puppy Dog Training

A retired couple were ecstatic with their purchase of a Labrador retriever puppy. They started his training a few days after his arrival.  One of the trainer's suggestions was that they teach him go into his crate overnight, every night.

 

A few days after starting the training the couple was getting ready to go to bed. The husband brought the Lab puppy into the bedroom and had him lie down in the corner. The wife asked him why the puppy was not in his crate. The man replied that he was continuing the dog's training.  He wanted the puppy to learn how to beg, so he thought it would be a good idea to have the dog watch him in bed for 10 or 15 minutes. The wife agreed that this was an outstanding idea. She said that after the husband was finished, she would teach the dog to roll over and play dead.

 

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 The Blonde in the Ice Cream Shop

A blonde woman walks into an ice cream shop and asks for a chocolate shake.

The employee says, “Sorry, Ma’am, but we are all out of chocolate. We have vanilla and strawberry.”

She says, “Oh, ok then I’ll have a scoop of chocolate.”

“Sorry, but there is no chocolate. Only vanilla and strawberry.”

She thinks about it and then says, “Ok, then I’ll have a chocolate cone.”

Frustrated, the kid behind the counter tells her, “I’d like you to spell ‘van’, like in vanilla.”

V-a-n.

“Ok, now spell ‘straw’, like in strawberry”

S-t-r-a-w.

“Now, spell ‘fuck’, like in chocolate.”

She thinks about it for a second and then says, “There’s no ‘fuck’ in chocolate.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! There’s no fuckin’ chocolate.”

 

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Charlie

Two friends were walking their dogs on a warm July day when they came upon a tavern. First friend says, “A cold drink sounds good about now.”. His friend replies, “It sure does, but we can’t go in with our dogs.”. First friend says, “I have an idea.”, and adjusts his sunglasses and walks into the tavern and orders a beer. Bartender says, ”Hey, we don’t allow dogs in here!” The man replies, “It’s my seeing eye dog.” The bartender apologizes and gets him his drink. Second guy walks in wearing sunglasses with his dog and, again the bartender says they don’t allow dogs in the tavern. Man says it’s his seeing eye dog and the bartender says “A Chihuahua’s a seeing eye dog?”, and the man replies, “What?!? They gave me a Chihuahua?”

Phyllis A

I don’t know any jokes but my favourite funny quote is from Bob Newhart.

“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means put down.” 

Karen S

Q: Why weren’t there any apples on Noah’s Ark?

A: Because they were too busy loading the pairs!

 

A Dad Joke I know, but gets a chuckle out of most people who hear it.

Deborah G

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night. I'm in the hospital now, waiting to be seen. 

Joseph Z

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic….

….. about halfway!

Michael M

My grandson took me to a bar one evening. We had been there a little while, at a table of our own away from the bar, when the bartender suddenly called out, “Does anyone here know CPR?" After a few moments of silence, I answered back. "I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed and laughed. Well, except for this one guy.

Monica H

Did you hear about the lawyer with the jurisprudential fetish? He got off on a technicality.

 

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Noisy Boys

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began... One afternoon early into the first semester, a group of loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The boys were more than happy and continued to bang on the bins every day on their walk home. After a week, the old man walked out and greeted the kids again. However, this time, he didn’t have a smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income." he told them. "I'm going to have to cut it down to 50¢ a day to keep you kids banging the bins.” The kids were obviously unimpressed, but they accepted the reduction in payment and continued their afternoon activities. A few days later, the man approached them again. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my retirement checks yet so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25¢ to bang on the bins. Will that be okay?" "That's it!?" the 'drum leader' exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these around for 25¢ a day, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days...

 

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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic

And That’s How the fight started!
 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...   The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.  When she asked me why, I replied,             "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"           And that's how the fight started...    My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed.             I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'             'No,' she answered. I then said,             'Is that your final answer?'             She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes',             So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."             And that's when the fight started...   My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.  I asked her, "Do you know him?"       "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."     "My goodness!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"                    And then the fight started...    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it  fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.  I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."   The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.   My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.             She asked, "What's on TV?"             I said, "Dust."             And then the fight started...    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.   She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.   I bought her a bathroom scale.             And then the fight started...   After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.   I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.   The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.   She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.   When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.  She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'             And then the fight started..   My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."             And then the fight started...

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That’s all for this issue. In addition to wishing you all a wonderful weekend, I will also wish you Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year 2024!

 

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 10 November 2023

  

Greetings on this last day of the work week. It’s Friday! Thank God! I’ve been busy with a lot of friends and family gatherings over the last few weeks that I haven’t had time to sit down and draft one of these messages. Nevertheless, the 4 or 5 regular contributors do continue to provide enough material (new or old) that allows me to pick and choose what I want.

 

As I mentioned in my last issue on 20 October, we hosted 3 other couples during that weekend of 20-22 October, where one of the couples graduated from Springfield HS with Dianne and me just 54 years ago. Neal, Carol and Gayle brought their spouses to join us for a wonderful weekend of lots of stories and laughing and eating. The rainy weather broke for a few hours which allowed us to go for a 2-mile walk, which was much needed after all the food that we were consuming. Everyone pitched in on that front and Gayle and Jim took us out for a nice dinner on the Saturday night. Gayle was our AFS exchange student in ‘68/’69 (from Melbourne, Australia) and lived with Carol’s family and Dianne and Carol were already good friends back then, so the 3 of them were always close. Gayle has usually come back to attend our HS reunions every 5 years. In fact, at our 50^th reunion 4 years ago, Carol and Gayle schemed to get Dianne and me together. I’m grateful that they did! It worked!

 

Then, a week later, Jonathan and Melissa brought little 10-month-old Logan up here to Springfield for a long 4-day weekend. I guess Jon has been doing a good job, as it was his boss who suggested that he take some days off and relax a bit. Logan seemed to enjoy the out-of-doors here in Vermont, watching squirrels run around my yard; as well as being intrigued by the chickens and pheasants at our local orchard. During this trip it also seems that he now knows who his “grandpa” is. When Jon or Melissa would ask him, “where is grandpa?” – he would look at me. We are all looking forward to his first birthday party in NYC at the end of December!

 

Dianne and I continue to work on various projects around the house here, getting rid of stuff and/or giving stuff away. I have also been busy out back at my fire pit, burning up a lot of wood that resulted from downed trees and big branches that have fallen on my hill during the last year. We had such a wet summer that it was not possible to burn it up then. So, lately, I have been spending a lot of time in my late afternoons at my fire pit, my meditation spot, staring into the fire. On Thursday, we got about an inch of snow and so I think that activity is over for another 6 months or so. Gold season also ended last weekend. I played a week ago when it was just barely above freezing! Brrrrr!

 

Let’s see what I have to share with you today.

 

Hunting

 

It is now hunting season and lots of people are out looking to bag a deer.

 

A hunter takes his daughter deer hunting for the first time. As they get to the deer stand, the hunter tells his daughter to get in the stand and sit very still, and if a deer comes out, shoot it. The hunter leaves his daughter in the stand and starts walking to his own stand. After walking for about five minutes he hears the loud bang of a rifle echoing through the woods from the direction of his daughter’s stand. He thinks, wow! My daughter must have already shot a deer! So he turns back and heads to her stand. But when he gets there, he sees his daughter arguing with a game warden. 

 

He hears his daughter yelling at the game warden, “get away from my deer!” 

 

The game warden yells back, “look, girl, I already told you, this is not a deer. I should have you arrested for such negligence with a firearm!” 

 

The hunter’s daughter is so pissed at this point that she loads a round into her deer rifle, points it right at the game warden’s face, and says, “this is a deer. I shot it. It’s my deer. Now step away or I will blow your head off.” 

 

The game warden slowly puts his hands up as he’s staring down the barrel of her loaded deer rifle. He then nervously says, “okay Ma’am. I was wrong. I see now that it is a deer. But before you take it away, can I get my saddle off of it?”

 

*          *          *

 

This one reminds me of a true story. One of our teachers in high school apparently shot a horse by mistake one deer season. He was also the track and field coach. Once, on the team bus, seeing a horse out in the field we were going by, a trickster yelled, “Look at that deer!”! The coach was very upset but, luckily for the guy, didn’t know who said that.

 

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Some Random Funny Stuff

 

Choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, "I'll bet a doughnut wouldn't have done this to me."  

 

Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eyewitness.  (Mark Twain) 

 

It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I'm a nice person. 

 

It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you're supposed to pick out one of your own.  I know that now. 

 

It's fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of  rotisserie  chicken and it's all, "Sir, you need to leave!" 

 

One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older adult, is how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box. 

 

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.  That's seven years in a row, now. 

 

If you dropped something when you were younger, you just picked it up.  When you're older and you drop something, you stare at it for just a bit contemplating if you actually need it anymore. 

 

I like to make lists.  I also like to leave them lying on the kitchen counter, and then guess what's on the list when I am at the store. 

 

Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side effects is bad for you. 

 

I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack.  I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin. 

 

I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date.  So, tonight after dinner I'm dropping her off at her parent's house. 

 

The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments. 

 

I love bacon.  Sometimes I eat it twice a day.  It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting. 

 

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I am sure of is that it will be misspelled and have no punctuation. 

 

Driver:  "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"  Officer, "Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle." 

 

I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches.  He said, "I'll see," & walked away.  I asked another & he also said, "I'll see," & walked away.  In the end, I gave up & found them myself, in Aisle C. 

 

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two (2) places. He told me to stop going to those places. 

 

I put our scale in the bathroom corner & that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes. 

 

When I was a kid, I used to watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ & wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got Facebook. 

 

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror & think, "That can't be accurate!" 

 

I want to be 14 again & ruin my life differently. I have new ideas. 

 

Apparently RSVP'ing to a wedding invitation with "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response. 

 

A guy walks into a lumberyard & asks for some 2x4s.  The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?"  The guy answers, "A long time. We're gonna build a house." 

 

I just burned 1,200 calories.  I forgot the pizza in the oven. 

 

Who knew that the hardest thing about being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die? 

 

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings. 

 

Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows. 

 

So, my neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 a.m.  3AM!!!  Luckily, I was already up playing the bagpipes. 

 

Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of "The Hoarders," and think, "Wow!  My house looks great.”

 

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Getting Older

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers..

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the 'John' and renamed it the 'Jim'. I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning".

Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child, I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights" I'm just very wise.

Don't ever ask me to bend down and touch my toes. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators We haven't met yet.

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes when I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) 

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
- I don’t have to go to school or work.
- I have a driver’s license and my own car.
- I get an allowance every month.
- I have my own ipad (although I can't recall where I kept it)
- I don’t have a curfew.

Life is great.

Have a good chuckle. Laughter is good Medicine...

 

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An Atheist and a Cowboy

 

An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane, and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”

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Good questions, and Food for thought

1.    Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?   

2.    Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 

3.    If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 

4.   If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?  

5.   Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack?    

6.   Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?    

7.   Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?   

8.   Why do "tug" boats push their barges?    

9.  Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 

10.   Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?    

11.   Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?   

12.   Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?   

13.   Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?   

14.   Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?  

15.    Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?  

16.  If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?   

17.  If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?  

18.   If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?    

19.   If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read things all right?  

20.  Why is bra singular and panties plural?  

21.  Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?  

22.  Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?  

23.  How come abbreviated is such a long word?    

24.  Why do we wash bath towels?  Aren't we clean when we use them?  

25.   Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?  

26.    Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?  

27.    Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree 
and eat candy out of your socks?

28.   Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? 

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It’s time for this week’s TGIF Golden Classic

A Curious Blonde

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls. He sat down next to, of all people, a beautiful blonde.

 

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

 

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”

 

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

 

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I’ve had tennis elbow and it hurts a lot worse than “golf balls”!

 Oh well. Nothing hurts worse than my bad knee now. It may be time to get it taken care of.

Next week we get to celebrate Dianne’s birthday. (I think she turns 39!) Happy Birthday, dear Dianne!

Until the next time, take care and be kind.

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 20 October 2023

Greetings on this last day of this workweek. I realize it’s been a month since I composed the previous one. Even some of my local friends are complaining to me that I have not been regular. You know what kind of “regular” they mean, right?

Anyway, we have been busy. Putting summer things away here and at Dianne’s lake house. Then there was Dianne’s craft show on Columbus Day (Indigenous Peoples ….) weekend over in Weston. That was a 3-day event with lots of wonderful local artisans selling their wares. She did well; selling more than 30 of her scarves. I helped her set up her booth and then take it all down on Sunday evening. The weather was a bit rainy and so many of the leaf peepers had to come inside and apparently, they were in a buying mood. She makes such beautiful scarves and so I was happy that she did well. Now, her inventory is down and she will have to get busy working again. But before that, we are hosting some friends and then some family here in the next two weeks. This weekend, our high school AFS exchange student (from Australia) and her husband, as well as two other of our high school friends (and their partners) will be with us. Looking forward to that. Then, next week for 4 days, my oldest son, Jonathan, and his wife Melissa, and their 9-month old son, Logan, will be with us.

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Some Doubt?

 

This story begins in a courtroom in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. 

 

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally, the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." 

 

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. 

 

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." 

 

Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

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Murphy, Collins and Vella

 
Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting,

“Your mum’s the best shag in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and sticks his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, “I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!”

Again, Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk returns to the bar’s far end. Ten minutes later, he returns and announces, “Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!”

Finally, Collins interrupts. “Go home, Dad,… you’re pissed!”

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Summary of Life   GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:   1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:   1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise... It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.   GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD   1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.   THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:   1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.   SUCCESS:   At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . Having friends. At age 17 success is. .    Having a driver's license. At age 35 success is. .. . Having money. At age 50 success is . . . Having money. At age 70 success is . . . Having a driver’s license. At age 75 success is . ... Having friends. At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.

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Jose and Carlos

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. 

 

One day, Carlos asked Jose: "I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?" 

 

"Look at your sign, what does it say?" replies Jose. 

 

Carlos' sign reads: "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support." 

 

Jose says: "no wonder you only get $2-3." 

 

Carlos says: "So what does your sign say then?" 

 

Jose shows Carlos his sign - it reads: "I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico."

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Kids instructions for life:

• Sandals don’t work in the snow.
• Don’t scratch your head with glue on your hands.
• Never trust a dog to watch your food.
• Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
• Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
• Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it’s moving.
• Never try to baptize a cat.

 

A woman has sued a hospital, stating that after recent treatment her husband seemed to have lost interest in her. The hospital, in their defense, stated, “All we did was correct his eyesight.”

 

You’re not a kid anymore if:

• You enjoy watching the news.
• The phone rings and you hope it’s not for you.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• You say the words, “Turn that music down.”

 

Things to ponder

• Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?
• Why is it called tourist season when we can’t shoot at them?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

 

A state department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, golfers, and birdwatchers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Brekenride, and Keystone area in Colorado. They advise people to wear noise producing devices, such as little bells, on their clothing to alert, but not startle, bears. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should especially avoid areas that show signs of bear activity. Signs include bear droppings. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings contain bells and smell like pepper spray.

 

Some things money can’t buy:

• A button for a coat of paint.
• Sheets for an oyster bed.
• False teeth for a river’s mouth.
• Music for a rubber band.
• Shoes for a walking stick.
• A saddle for a clothes horse.

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The Soap Factory Problem

 

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased. They solved the problem by using a special scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a soap box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory. 

 

A while later, the CEO decides to look at the first week report. Since the scales were put in place, no empty boxes had been shipped out of the factory. Each day about a dozen defective boxes were being removed, which was consistent with the projections. There were almost zero customer complaints and they were gaining market share. The CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. However, the number of defective boxes picked up by the scales dropped to zero after three weeks. He filed a bug against it and after some investigation, the engineers came back saying the report was actually correct. 

 

The scales really weren't picking up any defects because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good. Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about. 

 

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang."

 

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It’s time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend. Unfortunately it looks like rain is in the forecast for our weekend here in Vermont. But, we’ll enjoy just chatting with our friends, I’m sure. And eating. And laughing.

 

Until the next time, take care.

 

TGI-Jeff