Greetings from what feels like the North Pole. How cold is it? Well, it was so cold last night that my outdoor thermometer stopped working. Talk about “going out on strike” due to the severe and unsafe working conditions. It was well below our Fahrenheit zero (probably -4 F)(which is minus 20 Celcius/centigrade). Plus the wind was gusting at from 25 to 30 miles per hour (40 to 48 km/hour) and so the “wind chill factor” was really, really cold! No more metric translations. It was “minus 68” with the wind chill factored in on the top of Mount Mansfield, the tallest mountain in Vermont, named after the famous well-endowed actress Jayne Mansfield. Now I understand why so many Vermonters and other northerners “go South” for the winter, or a part of it, anyway. Meanwhile, we hardy (or is it stupid?) Vermonters remain here and gut it out. It’s hard to believe that a mere 6 months ago I was biking/cycling across Iowa with the temperature about 106 degrees for four consecutive days. One of the support group signs then was “It’s NOT the Heat, It’s the Stupidity”. And now, while I’d like to think “It’s the Bold, that can deal with the Cold”; I realize that those “snow birds” from around these parts that are down South now and looking at the weather reports from up this way are all having a very good chuckle, as they sip their tropical cocktails – you know the ones with the little umbrellas in them.
Some of you may remember last week’s edition and the fact that I used two slightly different versions of the same joke, about the “ex-wife”. Well, just minutes after I sent it out, I got a third version of that same joke. It’s really amazing how the ones that people seem to appreciate get sent around so fast; or in the more modern terminology – go viral. It seems that if I get a good new one, I get it 10 times from different contributors. And no doubt, they all take credit for it and expect that they have paid up their TGIF dues.
Speaking of going south – how about Florida?
BURGLARY IN FLORIDA (You just can't make this stuff up!!)
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.
What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.
Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.'
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The white box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: Hoochie sold us the bogus blow,
so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.
What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.
Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.'
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The white box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: Hoochie sold us the bogus blow,
so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.
And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts.
* * * * *
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember.
* * * * *
THE AFGHAN FOOTBALLER
The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3 goals, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'
'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle. Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'
”Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!” says his mum,
”It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place.”
The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3 goals, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'
'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle. Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'
”Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!” says his mum,
”It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place.”
* * * * *
I heard a story on BBC last week about a study done in the U.K. that horse meat has been found in some of the meat sold there.
So, in the usual tradition of “taking advantage of new and strange news to make humour”, these are just in from a source in the UK. Seems that horsemeat has been found in Tesco products.
And to answer the question above, “Yes, you can make these up!”
1. A woman has been taken to hospital after eating horse meat burgers. Her condition is said to be stable.
2. Is it only the mini-burgers that contain horse meat? You know, the horse d'oeuvres.
3. Are you in favour of horse meat in your burgers? Yea or Neigh?
4. A Tesco burger walks into a bar and says "Pint please". "I can't hear you" says the barman. "Sorry" replies the burger, "I'm a little bit horse".
5. Those Aldi horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony
6. Scientist: "Sir, we've discovered horse meat in your burgers." Tesco boss: "Why the long face?"
7. There was an old woman who swallowed a horse, she'd been to Tesco, of course.
8. I really hope they launch a steward's inquiry into the Tesco horse meat scandal. We must find out hoof to blame.
9. Horsemeat has been found in Tesco Products but a spokesman says it's all bollocks.
10. I get all my horse meat from an independent dodgy butcher.
11. Has anyone tested Tesco's veggie burgers for uniquorn yet?
12. 29% of the meat content in Tesco's hamburgers turns out to be horse. No wonder they gave me the trots!
13. Horse meat in Tesco burgers: it's been in there fur-a-long time!
14. Best burger recipe: mince meat, garlic powder, paprika, fresh herbs, an egg and fine diced stallions ... I mean ... scallions.
15. Two Tesco burgers please.. hold the dressage.
16. Just found some out of date burgers... and they're off!
17. I got fired from the meat factory because I got an e-mail about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam.
18. Apparently there's a poll of Tesco's customers to find their opinions on horse meat ... conducted of course by Gallup.
19. So horse meat has been found in Tesco burgers. What's next? Traces of zebra in barcodes?
20. Tranquillisers: every little helps.
21. You can lead a horse to the industrial size meat grinder, but you can't sell him in Tesco.
22. Good thing about these horse puns is it's stopped all the sick Jimmy Saddle jokes.
2. Is it only the mini-burgers that contain horse meat? You know, the horse d'oeuvres.
3. Are you in favour of horse meat in your burgers? Yea or Neigh?
4. A Tesco burger walks into a bar and says "Pint please". "I can't hear you" says the barman. "Sorry" replies the burger, "I'm a little bit horse".
5. Those Aldi horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony
6. Scientist: "Sir, we've discovered horse meat in your burgers." Tesco boss: "Why the long face?"
7. There was an old woman who swallowed a horse, she'd been to Tesco, of course.
8. I really hope they launch a steward's inquiry into the Tesco horse meat scandal. We must find out hoof to blame.
9. Horsemeat has been found in Tesco Products but a spokesman says it's all bollocks.
10. I get all my horse meat from an independent dodgy butcher.
11. Has anyone tested Tesco's veggie burgers for uniquorn yet?
12. 29% of the meat content in Tesco's hamburgers turns out to be horse. No wonder they gave me the trots!
13. Horse meat in Tesco burgers: it's been in there fur-a-long time!
14. Best burger recipe: mince meat, garlic powder, paprika, fresh herbs, an egg and fine diced stallions ... I mean ... scallions.
15. Two Tesco burgers please.. hold the dressage.
16. Just found some out of date burgers... and they're off!
17. I got fired from the meat factory because I got an e-mail about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam.
18. Apparently there's a poll of Tesco's customers to find their opinions on horse meat ... conducted of course by Gallup.
19. So horse meat has been found in Tesco burgers. What's next? Traces of zebra in barcodes?
20. Tranquillisers: every little helps.
21. You can lead a horse to the industrial size meat grinder, but you can't sell him in Tesco.
22. Good thing about these horse puns is it's stopped all the sick Jimmy Saddle jokes.
* * * * *
Yes, it’s always good when another travesty/trajedy comes along to replace the previous one.
In the UK, there has been much publicity about the Jimmy Saddle scandal that went unnoticed or unreported, while since the Newtown shooting tragedy here in the US, there has been lots of talk about gun control vs. the 2nd Amendment of the US Constitution – the right to bear arms.
GUN CONTROL
It already has started at Cabela's.
There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela's Sporting Goods store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When all of the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
I STILL DON'T THINK I LOOKED THAT BAD!
* * * * *
Economic Growth
Dr. Marc Faber, the investment guru, concluded his monthly bulletin with the following comments! :
"The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline, it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer, it will go to India. If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car, it will go to Germany and Japan. If we purchase useless crap, it will go to Taiwan. In short, none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on Guns, Prostitutes, and Beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US.
"The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline, it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer, it will go to India. If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car, it will go to Germany and Japan. If we purchase useless crap, it will go to Taiwan. In short, none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on Guns, Prostitutes, and Beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US.
If President Obama’s second inauguration speech didn’t make you Americans proud to be one, then this should, right?!
* * * * *
THE IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING
Wanda's dishwasher stopped working, so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll send you a cheque. Oh and by the way don't worry about my dog Spike, he won't bother you.”
"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I must stress to you, do NOT talk to my parrot!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling.
"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I must stress to you, do NOT talk to my parrot!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him Spike!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him Spike!”
* * * * *
It’s time for this week’s TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC
GOTTA PEE
Two female friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives; however, they had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station We'll never forget you.'
* * * * *
It’s nice being remembered. So, remember me when you get a good joke. And now time to remember several relatives and special people who have birthdays today or in the next days. Happy birthday today to sister-in-law Karen and former college roommate Tumbleweed. And more birthday wishes to Cousin Donna on Sunday, as well as sister-in-law Martha, and last, but not least, to my wife, Pam.
Hope it warms up a bit in the next days so we can go outside again. I don’t want to get cabin fever!
Have a nice weekend and stay warm!
TGI-Jeff
