Greetings on this last day of the work week. But who is working, anyway? Are you getting paid for NOT working – like me? Or are you working from home? How does that work out on a Friday, heh? Come on – level with me! Besides, most of the friends who receive this are now probably retired, like me. So, you’re thinking that it doesn’t really matter what day of the week it is. I got an email from a friend who wanted to share a 3-minute video with his aging friends! He said it was worth watching, and to the end, even though it was 3 minutes; but justified it in adding “most of you are retired, so you have the time!”
Well, I might differ with him. I’ve never been busier since I retired. (I hope none of my previous bosses are reading this! Oops!) When I retired, I said the first thing I was going to do was to throw my alarm clock away. And I did! But someone forgot to tell me how to say “No” when asked to join this club or that board or this committee. So, little by little, I got involved in lots of community and church and volunteer groups. Some of my sports friends question my inability to say “No” to these requests. They claim that retirement is for tennis and skiing and bike riding and traveling and going to the Loft (where the sign on the outside wall says “Lousy Food, Warm Beer and a Grumpy Owner”!) Well, I’ve gotten to know that owner and he’s not such a bad guy and the beer is actually cold, the wings are pretty good and the socializing with friends is the best part. And playing doubles tennis in the summer at Rogers is great fun and a good excuse to play for 90 minutes, followed by several beers for 90 minutes. And lots of stories, half of them which have been exaggerated over the years of multiple tellings. The same group of senior male friends also enjoy playing doubles ping pong. We’ve all been vaccinated and last Monday we had our first indoor ping pong gathering in over a year! We call it the Full Contact Doubles, Knock Down BYOB Ping Pong group. And if you thought that table tennis was a non-contact sport, well, you should see us play.
I’ve played table tennis since a youngster and have gotten pretty good over the years. When I was a Peace Corps volunteer in Mali, West Africa, we had a table at the PC training center. We’d play games with other volunteers or some of the Malian staff. One of the staff (Malian) did not like to lose and I kept beating him. So, one day he brought to the training center a member of the Malian Olympic table tennis team, probably to put me in my place, his form of revenge. Well, to the great delight of my PCV friends, I managed to beat him.
Since I’ve retired back to Springfield, Vermont, I have become involved not only with the Monday Night group, but also a group of very good players who meet at the community center to play serious table tennis. We have an English friend from Washington, County Durham, in England, who used to come to Springfield twice a year and train us players up. (Sorry, Jim, I couldn’t remember what the D stood for!) He is an excellent player and a great coach. So, many of us benefitted from his coaching and gradually improved our games. Hope you can return sometime this year, Jim!
It seems that I have a lot of late breaking news in this issue for today.
Why Bill and Melinda Gates Are Splitting Up
According to Melinda Gates, Bill just didn't Excel at his marriage. Apparently his tool in bed was Microsoft, he had no Power Points, and he always had to have the last Word.
* * * * * * * *
New Virus
I thought you would want to know about this virus.
Even the most advanced computer programs from Norton, McAfee, and
others cannot take care of this one.
It appears to target those who were born prior to 1950.
The sporadic COVID-19 lockdowns seem to be increasing the chances of
being affected!
VIRUS SYMPTOMS:
1. Causes you to send the same email twice. (Done that)
2. Causes you to send a blank email. (That too)
3. Causes you to send an email to the wrong person. (Yup)
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
(Ah-ha)
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)
6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished. (Oh no, not again)
7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. (Hate that)
8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE. (Heck, now what?)
THIS VIRUS IS CALLED THE __C-NILE__ VIRUS!_
A LOT OF US HAVE ALREADY BEEN INFLICTED WITH THIS DISEASE AND UNFORTUNATELY AS WE AGE IT GETS WORSE.
AND IF YOU CAN'T ADMIT TO DOING ANY OF THE ABOVE, YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY CAUGHT THE OTHER STRAIN –
THE D-NILE VIRUS
* * * * * * * *
Latest News
Breaking News: Due To New Election Law The Devil Will No Longer Hold Fiddle Contests In Georgia.
Afghanistan News: President Biden announced that all U.S. forces will be withdrawn from Afghanistan this year. The president cited the need to bring the troops home to guard the U.S. Capitol.
Cuba News: Raul Castro has resigned as head of Cuba's Communist Party. He has lived 62 years longer than anyone who ever seized a casino from Meyer Lansky.
England News: Russian president Vladimir Putin did not attend the funeral of Prince Phillip. However, he did send a nice note to the Queen saying, "I didn't do it."
Sweden News: The CEO of IKEA was just elected president of Sweden. It will take him some time to put his cabinet together because there are no instructions.
National News: The latest draft of the $2.3 trillion infrastructure plan includes $300 million to bail out essential looters. "Looters who loot for social justice are a proud and essential part of the American tradition and, as such, are considered infrastructure," said Vice President Kamala Harris.
DNC News: The Democratic National Committee held an "Issues Retreat" in order to discuss how to retreat from nearly all of the issues they supported during the recent presidential campaign.
Covid News: The US Government announced that it will share 4 million doses of AstraZeneca with Canada and Mexico. The vaccine's effectiveness is being doubted by Dr. Fauci after 1 of the 20 million recipients got hit by a bus after the second shot.
Editorial: I could be wrong, but I would bet that Congresswoman Maxine Waters' biggest campaign donor is the National Window Replacement Lobby.
FPB News: The director of the Federal Bureau of Prisons, Michael Carvajal, said that education is the key to reducing America's prison population, although power tools have also proven to be very effective.
Immigration News: Border patrol officers on the U.S./Mexico border are saying that scores of young children are attempting to cross into the U.S. and fulfill their lifelong dream of enjoying American pastimes like reading Dr. Seuss books, watching Pepe Le Pew cartoons, and eating Aunt Jemima pancakes.
California News: A high school student in California received a perfect score on her college SAT test by writing in the word "racism!" for every answer. "90% of my lectures this year were just the teacher saying "racism" over and over again, so I figured my chances were pretty good," the student said.
Georgia News: Democrats in Georgia decried the state's new voting law. In particular, they are incensed at the part of the new law that requires poll workers to check for a pulse before allowing voters to cast a ballot.
Minneapolis News: While reaching for a Covid Syringe a nurse in Minneapolis accidentally grabbed a taser. The patient is now Covid-free but the lights come on whenever he enters a room.
Barkley Update: CBS Sports announced that Charles Barkley will undergo racial sensitivity training after stating on air that "most white and black people are great people" and that "cynical politicians want us to hate each other." Barkley will be sent to a two-week training at Coca-Cola to become less white.
Chauvin Update: Derek Chauvin was unanimously convicted for the murder of George Floyd. That is all 12 jurors voting to convict plus 26 million mail-in votes.
H. Biden Update: Hunter Biden has acknowledged that he has a substance abuse problem, but out of respect for his father's challenges he refuses to try any recovery program that involves steps.
Madoff Update: Bernie Madoff has died. The famous con man took billions from new investors, paid off interest to old investors while skimming off the middle. There is a statue in Washington D.C. honoring Madoff as the Father of Social Security.
Amazon News: Amazon Prime announced it will add a new "Loot" function to its services where customers will have the option of proceeding to the checkout to pay normally, or receive it free by clicking the "LOOT IT!" button for social justice.
Celebrity News: Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriquez have officially called off their engagement. Jennifer is now just two rings away from tying Tom Brady.
College News: A new poll shows that only 40% of college students believe in free speech. The rest think that speech should be paid for by the government.
Fox News: Fox News has been threatened with a $1.6-billion lawsuit for libelous election claims. The network is claiming that nobody should take their news reports seriously, and promises it will add a laugh track.
Google News: In response to Georgia's new voting law, Google announced that they are removing the entire state of Georgia from Google Maps. A Google search for directions to Atlanta now reads, "Location not found. Would you like to travel to a Google-approved destination such as Seattle, Minneapolis, or Beijing?"
Hasbro News: Hasbro announced it is updating its Monopoly Game to reflect modern community standards. Monopoly players have traditionally tried to win by bankrupting their opponents. The object now will be for players to band together and destroy bourgeois systems of oppression in a glorious revolution.
MLB Editorial: Now that Major League Baseball supports cheating in elections, can we finally let Pete Rose in the Hall of Fame and forgive the Astros?
Science News: The Salk Institute has begun creating hybrid monkey-human embryos. It is just in time because, frankly, we are running out of victim groups.
Sesame Street News: In a courageous new episode of Sesame Street, the puppets teach kids about social justice by introducing a new character, Todd, a white male puppet who is blamed for everything wrong in the world.
Pulitzer News: Studies of claims made by both journalists and conspiracy theorists, have determined conspiracy theorists to be more accurate than most journalists. In light of this new study, the Pulitzer Prize board has announced they will be awarding their top honor in journalism to Alex Jones, for his stellar reporting on estrogen in the water making frogs gay.
Toyota News: Toyota announced that it is building a "Smart City" with self-driving cars, robots, and artificial intelligent homes... and some humans to cut the grass and collect the trash.
Squib Notes:
1. Breaking News: Businesses Nationwide Increase Their "Peaceful Protest Insurance."
2. Panhandlers say they are skeptical of bitcoins.
3. Men demanding reparations from women due to Eve eating the apple.
4. It's a sign of progress this year that both Georgia and Matt Gaetz have decided to start checking IDs.
5. It's sad when I watch the news and the Weatherman is the one closet to the truth.
* * * * * * * *
TGIF Golden Oldies
This English language can play tricks on you.....
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?’
* * *
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
* * *
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.’
* * *
An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.’
* * *
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
* * *
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
* * *
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’
* * *
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!’
* * *
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
* * * * * * * *
Sorry, I realize that these last ones are oldies, but I’m guessing that those of you born before 1950 won’t remember that you’ve seen them before! Ha ha.
I wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend, even if you haven’t worked hard enough to deserve it.
And a special wish goes out to all mothers, as Sunday is Mother’s Day here in the USA.
And wishes to Fred, my brother-in-law (and supplier of my very first TGIF joke in 1995) for a Happy Birthday on May 11th. And to my niece Jillian who is expecting her first child in Rome in mid-May.
And finally, the Ramadan month of fasting is coming to an end. So, to all my Muslim friends, I wish you Eid Mubarak!
Now I have to go to the hot tub to soak to recover from all the injuries I sustained last Monday night at ping pong. And maybe apply some CSB to some of the affected muscles.
Until the next time, don’t forget to write and send me some material to use. And remember, don’t blame the messenger! Garbage In – Garbage Out!
And if you can’t contribute jokes, checks and cash are appreciated! J
TGI-Jeff
