Greetings on this last day of the work week. But who is still working? Oh sorry, I guess some of you still are. The shortage of labor is amazing. I don’t really understand it. The economy is okay despite the inflation and the rising gas prices and the war in Ukraine. The stock market keeps plugging along.
I’m surprised no one picked up on my mistake in last week’s TGIF. I stated that Vermont became the 14th state to enter the Union on March 4th 1790. It was actually 1791. Vermont had declared itself an independent territory in 1777 and remained as such until 14 years later when it became a state. It was the first state to ban slavery from the very beginning. (Am I proud to be a Vermonter? You betcha!!)
It's so nice to get appreciative messages from many of you for my efforts to keep this thing going. It’s nice to keep in touch with many of you and hear your news.
No worries about submitting jokes. Some of you are doing that so that all of us can benefit. So, thanks Debba and others of you.
On Wednesday we were told by our expert weathermen that we might get 1 to 2 inches of snow.
Well, we ended up getting between 5 and 6 inches. Our men’s tennis group played on Wednesday night, and we had to drive through 5 or 6 inches of new snow and it was dicey.
I was fortunate to get home as I slid all over the road, and barely made it home.
With the very hot March sun and the cold nights, the maple sap should be flowing well now.
And due to the hot sun, much of the snow that fell on Wednesday night has already melted.
I only have one small announcement to make: Dianne and I have decided to get married this summer. We are very happy and look forward to celebrating that with our kids and her grandchildren.
So, let’s see what I have tor this week:
The Very Wise King Solomon
During King Solomon's reign, there was a handsome, successful young man who was wanted by all the young maidens in the kingdom. This young man was certainly aware of his advantages, and he would go wild with different girls and promise each of them the whole world. While most of the ladies knew he could not be trusted, two young women took his words seriously and announced to their family that they were going to marry the most successful and beautiful man in the kingdom. The rumors of the marriage spread, and the two mothers of the young women who heard that someone else would marry the wanted man began to quarrel over the fate and future of their daughters. After failing to settle the dispute, the two mothers decided to go to King Solomon, the wisest man, and ask him to decide which of their daughters would marry the boy. They dragged the young man to court and made their claims to the wise king.
Solomon listened to them patiently, and after they finished, he ordered, "Bring me the greatest sword in the palace, I will split the man in two, and each woman will receive half of him!"
The first mother looked rather indifferent and said, "Bring him the sword." The other mother, who was shocked by the order, yelled, "Your majesty, remove the command, I will give up the groom-only do not spill his blood!"
King Solomon looked at the two women with a big smile and said, "The first mother’s daughter will marry the young man!" The confused court clerk turned to Solomon and said, "My wise king, aren’t you confused? The first mother was willing to cut that young man into two!"
"Right!" King Solomon replied, "This proves that she is worthy of being his real Mother-in-law!"
* * * * * * * *
Some Bits of Wisdom
The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless,
Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.
Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at 60 than at age 6.
"The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000."
"Great, I'll start later."
Trust science.
Studies show that if your parents didn't have children there's a high probability you won't either.
If you're not called crazy when you start something new, then you’re not thinking big enough.
It’s only in math problems that you can buy 60 cantaloupe melons, and no one asks -
"What the Hell is wrong with you?"
"I'm 85 and my body is full of aches and pains."
"Well, I'm 85 and I feel like a newborn baby."
"Really?"
"Yep, no teeth, no hair, and I just wet my pants."
When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5.
Tip: Save business cards of people you don't like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, "Sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.
When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, "Close enough."
Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I've ever done.
Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate one of those either.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food; no atmosphere.
If you see me talking to myself just move along. I'm self-employed.
We're having a meeting.
"Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo".
I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like fine wine.
I'm aging like milk. Getting sour and lumpy.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. She's 5 and it's past her bedtime.
Today's 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps.
When I was 3, I ate mud.
Tip for a successful marriage: Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she's mowing the lawn. (This actually happened to me a few times.)
Sooo…
You drive across town to a gym…
To walk on a treadmill?
* * * * * * * *
That last one reminds of something my Dad used to say. He was not a golfer. However, he wondered why golfers would drive a half mile to the local golf course and then walk the course for 4 miles.
The Italian Virgin – Sophie
Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian, was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta." says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
* * * * * * * *
Things to be considered:
A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.
Apparently, an RSVP to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.
Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less likely that “Life in prison” is a deterrent.
“You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.”
Bill asked his wife if he was the only one she had ever dated. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. (Let that sink in!)
It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.
Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”
I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have lots of new ideas.
As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of....it will be misspelled and have no punctuation or correct grammar.
Sam told his wife he wanted to be cremated. She made him an appointment for Tuesday.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. I get to return home in three days ~~~ maybe
I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer; I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
I went line dancing last night. Mmm, OK, it was a roadside sobriety test ….. same thing.
* * * * * * * *
Cheating
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests." Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
"Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."
"So, everyone knows that he was the first president." said little Johnny with his little innocent eyes open large.
"Just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.
"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?' Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."
* * * * * * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic!
The Parrot Without Feet
A fellow is browsing in a pet store, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn’t have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy cow,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me; I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause
I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20,and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational!
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssst' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'
'Yes.'
'Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
'I DUNNO; I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'
* * * * * * * *
Just time enough to wish you all a wonderful weekend and a nice March.
Have a Happy Equinox in 10 days or so, I am starting to see signs of the sun moving further to the NORTHWEST as it is setting and this weekend the time changes and so the late afternoon soon will come into my sun room and extend the daylight into the early evening.
Enjoy!
TGI-Jeff
