TGIF - 22 February 2013


 Greetings on this last day of the work week (for most of you working stiffs!) and while I am drafting this in Vermont, once you read it, you might think I was doing it from Wisconsin or Minnesota. As Garrison Keilor is wont to say “It’s been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon!” It’s been a quiet week here, too, and a cold one at that. The only warmth has come from the sun, (as it melts the snow off our southwest facing roof - although the temperature is at or just below freezing), and my wood pellet stove which has been working overtime in recent weeks.

I wish to acknowledge the efforts of those who attempt to send me new material. I really do appreciate your efforts. I know that if I choose to not use what you send, you will realize that that is because I have already used it, and not because I feel the joke is not worthy of gracing the pages of the TGIF. (Yeah, sure!) Or, I may choose not to use it because it does not meet the ethical and cultural standards established long ago by the TGIF editor-in-chief. Of course, that was with the assistance of his mother who used to read every word and had become his own “internal” censor. And many of you have noticed that a lot of the material I now use would not have met those previously high standards. This is regrettably true. However, while I am obliged to use some material that I might not have years ago, there is less and less of the “snowy-white” pure stuff to use anymore. So, either you need to share with me some good stuff that is not too vulgar, or, if you wish to receive a weekly TGIF message, you may see in it some stuff that is more vulgar.

So, time to head out to the northern mid-west, where it tends to also be pretty cold this time of year.

Ole was from ’’Visconson’’ but he was in New York City and wanted a loan. So he walked into a bank and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was taking Lena to Paris for their honeymoon and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Ole handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. Ole produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. An employee of the bank then parked the Ferrari in the bank's private underground garage. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the backwoods-sounding good ole boy from WI for using his $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

Two weeks later, Ole returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer told Ole, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from The University of Wisconsin, a highly sophisticated investor and a multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.  What puzzles us is this: why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

*            *            *            *            *
Ole and Sven

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two buddies, Ole and Sven.
The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Ole arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Ole said, 'Vell, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Ole said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Sven in to confirm the identity of the body. Sven looked at the body and said,
'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.
'The mortician rolled him over and Sven said, 'No, it ain't Stanley.'
 The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
 Sven said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
 'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
 'Yup, we never seen em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Stanley with them two assholes.

*            *            *            *            *

Ole, Lars and Sven
Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway hall meeting as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they didn't win a prize in the monthly draw. That is until the last meeting.

Sven was the first one of the three to get his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles, and three pounds of Swedish meatballs.

Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Duluth, a night’s stay at the Dew Drop Inn and a pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble. Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven.

Lars was the last one to have his name drawn; he won a toilet brush.

At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how each other had fared for the past month.

Sven said "Uff da, I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It was so good, and Helga didn't have to buy food for dem dere tree days."

Ole said "Lena was so happy vhen I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Dulut was nice, we got to ride da Greyhound, and you know, they got a built in outhouse on dat dere bus. And the Inger Triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey were sisters."

Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize worked out. Lars looks at them both and says "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper."

*            *            *            *            * 

Survivor - Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas-Style!"

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally back to Dallas.

Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 15 bumper stickers which will read:

1. "I'm A Democrat"
2. "Amnesty For Illegals"
3. "I Love The Dixie Chicks"
4. "Boycott Beef"
5. "I Voted For Obama"
6. " George Strait Sucks"
7. "Re-elect Obama in 2016"
8. "Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor"
9. "Rosie O’Donnell Is Texas Born"
10. "I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer"
11. "Barney Frank Is My Hero"
12. "I Side With Jane Fonda"
13. "It's Bush's Fault"
14. “Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion
and the last sticker is…;

15. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns"

The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins! 
*            *            *            *            *
A Simple Truth
Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own.  
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
*            *            *
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
AND A BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!
*            *            *            *            *

AND THEY ALSO SAID

"I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire."  - Howard Hughes

"After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box." - Italian proverb

"Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for years." – Mae West

"The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats."  - Jean Kerr

"I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage!"  - Zsa Zsa Gabor

"You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't."  - Jeff Foxworthy

"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife."  - Prince Philip

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing."  - Emo Philips.

"Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself." - Harrison Ford

"The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree."  - Spike Milligan

"Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke." - Robin Hall

"Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror."  - Jean Rostand.

"Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm no happier than when I had 48 million."  - Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea."  - W.H. Auden

"In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked."  - Jonathan Katz

"If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead."  - Johnny Carson

"I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical."   -  Arthur C. Clarke

"Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap."    - Steve Martin

"Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is."  - Jimmy Durant

"As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder."  - John Glenn

"America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric." - Doug Hamwell

"The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone who's there." - George Roberts

"If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport!" - Jonathan Winters  

"I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it." - Robert Benchley.

*            *            *            *            *

POLITICAL SPIN

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory.
On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. 

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research: 

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing callapsed.”

*            *            *            *            *

Since it was a TGIF of several Ole jokes, the TGIF Golden Classic must feature him as well:

BANK ROBBERY IN MINNESOTA

A hooded robber burst into a Minnesota bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Minnesota customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly to afraid to speak.

Then, one old Norwegian named Ole (of course) tentatively raised his hand without looking up said, "My wife Lena got a pretty good look at ya."

*            *            *            *            *

Time to wrap this one up and to forewarn you that I will be away for 10 days from the middle of next week until the following weekend. So, you are encouraged to keep sending in new material to me, but you will not be receiving a TGIF message either on Friday March 1st or March 8th. I’ll be back in time to do an edition for the Ides of March (3/15).

Take care and have a great weekend!

TGI-Jeff
Posted by

TGIF - 15 February 2013


 Greetings from the TGIF dungeon in this mid-February evening, after a good day of skiing and a good “après ski” with my tennis and now skiing buddies. I have to go a little out of control to keep up with them on the slopes, but I hold my own at the Loft, afterwards, where we need to replenish the liquids and other nutrients we expended on the hills/trails of Okemo Mountain. I must admit that those Cajun Wings are pretty good!

The big storm last week dropped up to 30 inches of snow in parts of Conneticut and Maine and about 2 feet in Boston. Here in Vermont we got about 15 inches. Being a skier and owning a snow-blower for clearing the driveway, I didn’t mind at all. No one in the state of Vermont lost power. Next week is the school vacation week here in Vermont, so I won’t attempt to ski. I don’t like the crowds. Especially the kids flying by me on both sides. Freaks me out!

Some of you may have heard the news last week that the bones that were discovered under a parking lot in Leicester (England) were, in fact, the bones of King Richard III. He was not one of the better monarchs in England’s history and was not portrayed well by William Shakespeare.

But you may have not heard about what has happened since then.

Rupert Murdoch Emerges as Winning Bidder for Richard III’s Bones

 Written by Andy Borowitz
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—The media mogul Rupert Murdoch stunned the world of British antiquities today by purchasing the newly discovered remains of Richard III for a hundred million dollars.
“This is a dream come true for me,” a jubilant Mr. Murdoch told reporters after the British government accepted his bid for the fallen tyrant. “Richard III is more than an important historical figure to me. He’s a role model.”
Mr. Murdoch said that he plans to put Richard III on display at the News Corporation headquarters in New York, “where he will serve as an inspiration to all our employees when I’m not there.”
But Mr. Murdoch’s shocking purchase of Richard’s bones has ignited howls of protest from British historians like Alistair Grindle, who warns that the media magnate’s motives may be far from pure.
“It would not surprise me one bit if Murdoch attempted to reanimate Richard III’s DNA and use him to seize control of the British government,” says Mr. Grindle. “The last thing this world needs is Rupert Murdoch and Richard III working together.”
For his part, Mr. Murdoch said he was baffled why his purchase of Richard III had proven so controversial: “This is far from the first time I’ve bought a British leader.”
*            *            *            *            *

WORD  PLAY

1.  ARBITRATOR:    A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.
2.  AVOIDABLE:    What a bullfighter tries to do.
3.  BERNADETTE:     The act of torching a mortgage.
4.  BURGLARIZE:    What a crook sees with.
5.  CONTROL:     A short, ugly inmate.  
6.  COUNTERFEITERS:     Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
7.  ECLIPSE:     What an English barber does for a living.
8.  EYEDROPPER:     A clumsy ophthalmologist.
9.  HEROES:     What a guy in a boat does.
10.  LEFTBANK:      What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
11.  MISTY:      How golfers create divots.
12.  PARADOX:      Two physicians.
13.  PARASITES:       What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
14.  PHARMACIST:      A helper on the farm.
15.  POLARIZE:      What penguins see with.
16.  PRIMATE:      Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
17.  RELIEF:        What trees do in the spring.
18.  RUBBERNECK:      What you do to relax your wife.
19.  SELFISH:       What the owner of a seafood store does.
20.  SUDAFED:      Brought litigation against a government official.

*            *            *            *            *

All who wander are not lost.

J.R.R. Tolkien

*            *            *            *            *
"Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him; better take a closer look at the American Indian."
Henry Ford
*            *            *            *            *

A  NEW  DEFINITION  for  S.O.S.

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.

He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said:

'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled.
'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

Us older folks understand this one, it's called…

S.O.S.

Slower, Older and Smarter....
*            *            *            *            *
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. Some of us don’t celebrate that as much as others; but here are some from the San Francisco Chronicle on relationships. Apparently from your average Jack or Jill.

"Relationship? I don't even have time for sex with myself once a week."

"It would just be so nice to make six figures and be with someone who makes six figures so that buying a home in San Francisco isn't such a fantasy." 

"Mom, what's a husband look like?" 

"No, I don't want a man. OK, maybe certain parts, but not the whole." 

"Deep down, I just want to find a woman who isn't crazy." 

"Dad, I don't want to get married." "You don't have to, sweetie. You're 6." 

"I really want to have a crush on someone. I just don't know who." 

"All I need is a boyfriend and a job. Can you get those for me?" 

"She needs a man who's about 40 and has a job. And kind of a hippie. And vegetarian. And cute." 

He: "Do you have a husband?" She: "Yes, I do." He: "Do you have a lover?" She: "Same guy." He: "Want another one?" She: "No, thanks." 

"My Raiders and my love life are the same. We both can't score." 

"I'm interested in everything about you. You are the most fascinating woman I don't know." 

"I don't date anyone who's going through a divorce." 

Middle-aged woman: "Don't I know you?" Older woman: "Yes, I was married to your father."

"Can you pour mine light and hers heavy? She's beautiful and I'm driving." 

"Airport bars are the best. I just sit down next to the oldest guy and I get free drinks until my plane leaves." (Woman talking to friend, overheard at the Oakland airport)

"Don't worry, man. You've got time on your side. Just live long enough and all the other guys will die. Then some lady won't have any choice but to have you." 

"Sure, women get less attractive as they age. But men's eyesight gets worse just as quickly." 

"Why were you in prison while my parents were here? They would've loved you." 

"I've found it's better to be nice than be grumpy when I'm horny. That way I get what I want."

"This was my mom's favorite bar hangout. She met her first husband here."

"I'm tired of dating older guys. They're, like, 30 years old and they're so jaded and tired and emotionally unhealable."

"He's a 911 dispatcher.  But that's not how we met."

"He says she's hot, but how hot can you be at 47?"
(Editor’s Note: Maybe it’s the hot flashes.)
*            *            *            *            *
Sex After Surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
"Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
*            *            *            *            *
INTERESTING  FACT
More Americans have died just since 1960 from gun incidents — suicides, accidents, and homicides — than died in every war in U.S. history. The deadliest war the U.S. has ever had is the war we waged against ourselves.
*            *            *            *            *
MINNESOTA
I often mention that I consider the TGIF message not only as one that attempts to amuse you all at the end of the work week, but also one in which I can share useful information. Case in point. The following one I received this week from a friend in Wisconsin and I feel it’s important to educate you about the great state of Minnesota.
Just in case ya didn't know...
Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin's winters.

Minnesota gets its name from the Sioux Indian word "mah-nee-soo-tah," meaning, "No, really... They eat fish soaked in lye."

The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings will... Aw, never mind."

The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

Madison, Minnesota is known as "the lutefisk capital of the world." Avoid this city at all costs.

"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was set in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the Dick van Dyke Show. The show about a single woman's struggle to find happiness in the big city was originally titled "Life Without Dick," but that was changed for some reason.

Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that a Norwegian occasionally turns up missing.

Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota and grew up in St. Paul. He was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.

The Hormel Company of Austin, Minnesota produces 6 million cans of Spam a year, even though no one actually eats it. Spam is a prized food in Japan & Hawaii --- Spam sushi!!

Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on the 4th of July - you get used to it."

Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota. His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor of nougat - chocolate, Spam and lutefisk.

Tonka trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts. These things are deathtraps, I tell ya!

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was raised at Walnut Grove, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam diet" which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite. Much like the "lutefisk diet"

The snowmobile was invented in Roseau, Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending 4th of July picnics.

Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84.

Cold is a relative thing ya know....

At 65 degrees, Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.
At 60, Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.
At 50, Italian & English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.
At 40, Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
At 35, New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.
At 20, People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close their windows.
At 0, Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
At 10 below zero, Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.
At 20 below, Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah) People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.
At 30 below, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.
At 40 below, ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya, eh?"
At 50 below, hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.

*            *            *            *            *

LOVER’S  LANE

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.  At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And, her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'And her, what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.' 

*            *            *            *            *

And in a few more hours, it’ll be Friday and this can be sent out to you to hopefully enjoy and get you in the right humorous mood for ending the work week and enjoying Friday night and the weekend. Hope it’s a good one! Until next week, take care and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

TGI-Jeff
Posted by

TGIF - 08 February 2013


Greetings from the post Super Bowl week here in Vermont where we are expecting a big winter storm to arrive shortly. The weather forecasters can’t say for sure if we are going to get 5 or 14 inches or somewhere in between. We do need some more snow (this is a skier talking) and I hope it’s at least a foot.
The Super Bowl game was a good one to watch, even though it took about four and one/half hours from kickoff to trophy award ceremony. But that was due to Beyonce’s half time show and the blackout that occurred a few minutes later - that lasted for more than half an hour. It’s a good excuse to have a party with friends and lots of people do that and it’s all fun.
At least now that we are back here living in the eastern USA time zone, we can watch such a major event during reasonable hours, as opposed to having to get up at 4 in the morning to watch it when we were in Pakistan or Sri Lanka, or pulling an “all nighter” in Niger when the game started at 11.30 p.m. and ended at about 3 a.m. I think I might have taken the next day off as a day of annual leave in order to get some sleep. One year there I think I took a half day off and slept from 4 to 11 a.m. and then went to the office at noon. This year the game was over just before 11 p.m. here and after cleaning up after hosting a large group here, I was in bed before midnight! How civilized is that?!!!
Now I am looking forward to the Sports Illustrated’s annual swimsuit edition. It’s nice of them to issue that one in the cold of February, just when we think we’ll never see a beach again, let alone a thinly clad model! Life is good!
That is true, except that I am not getting any new jokes from you all. The regular contributors are only sending me old stuff that I have used many times before. So as a special this week, there will be no new material and the whole TGIF issue this week classifies as a TGIF Golden Classic.
1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes (Cricket)
4. The Pope died.

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes (Cricket)
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned:

The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

*            *            *            *            *

CAPITAL LETTERS
Capital Letters? Who uses them anymore?  In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I have noticed that more and more people who send text messages and e-mails have long forgotten the art of capital letters. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following teacher’s explanation -- which is short and to the point.

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse. ... Are we clear?"
*            *            *            *            *

SLEEPING IN THE BARN (this is the only new one for this week)

A Congressman and two friends - a rabbi and a Hindu holy man - had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."  With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I'm grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.
"What's wrong now?" the farmer asked.
The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that left only the Congressman to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.
Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer's door.
Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood ... the pig and the cow.
*            *            *            *            *

The Smart Young Lad
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:   'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:   '9.'

Principal:  'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:   '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms... Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied:   'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry:  'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:   'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'
*            *            *            *            * 
ROBOT For Sale

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did after school that day.
The son says, "I did some homework."

The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching a porno movie."
Dad says,"What?
At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

End of Story

P.S. Robot For Sale

*            *            *            *            *

This one is dedicated to my friend, Dr. Tooth!

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy…" she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:....
"I didn't feel a thing."      

*            *            *            *            *

THE PRICEY HOTEL ROOM

A married couple is traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George.
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens..... They didn't get there by being stupid.

*            *            *            *            *

No we did not. And “I did not have sex with that woman!” (Who said that? Remember?)

Anyway, it’s time to sign off with the usual wish for you all to have a “freaking good Friday” and a wonderful weekend. Until next week, take care and stay out of any trouble.

TGI-Jeff
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TGIF - 01 February 2013



Greetings from your TGIF guy in Vermont. January – the weirdest one I can remember temperature-wise – has just ended. Last week at this time I was complaining about how cold it was and how I wanted it to get warm so that we could once again go outside. Well, it did, a bit, and I went skiing this past Monday with my friends Roger and Frank. It was great skiing and not too cold. On Tuesday there were warmer temps, and then it turned cold and the driving on Tuesday night was treacherous with “black ice” on the roads, and cars sliding off of them into the ditches. Then on Wednesday some other front came in and it was a lot warmer and very foggy and raining. Then on Thursday the temperature went up into the 50s with some rain and lots of melting of the snow cover. A lot of the snow has melted and there are heavy winds. What a mess! I guess we should really be careful what we wish for! I didn’t want ALL of the snow to disappear! As I compose this message, all that melting snow running downhill is now starting to freeze as the temperatures drop below the freezing mark.
If any of you are still not convinced that “climate change” is for real, then there is something wrong with you! It is the extremes that are now the norm. We had two January “thaws” surrounding a very cold/frigid period of 10 days. Who knows what comes next?
I saw a funny cartoon in the newspaper last week, written by Jeff Danziger. It shows an elderly Vermont couple out on their front porch in the frigid weather. The old husband is in front of their outdoor thermometer on the front porch and has his gloved hand tapping on it. The wife, on the porch with him, dressed in a winter coat, says to him (about her neighbor) “She says it’s 16 below over at her place. Tap it harder!” The title of this one is “The Great Vermont Winter Sport – Competitive Cold Reporting”.
This last week has seen the French military take back Gao, Timbuktu and Kidal in Mali, a country where I lived in for 5 years in the 1970s. It was so strange to hear Malian women speaking Bambara on BBC and NPR, coming into my house here, this past week. No translation required. Hope that the African forces can rout out the AQIM group that has caused all this turmoil and who have retreated into the desert.
*            *            *            *            *
On the home front here in the USA, there starts to be some bipartisan support for immigration reform. The Republicans are finally coming around to realizing that they cannot be the party that is against all forms of immigration.
THE IMMIGRANT INVASION
A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

The Captain gets on the loudspeaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's".
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.

When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loudspeaker and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there".
*            *            *            *            * 
You Wanna De-bait This?
I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth.
"Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Just then, I realized I had a problem: how was I going to release the snake without getting bit?
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in its mouth.

Life is good in the south!!
*            *            *            *            *
Simple Home Remedies
AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. (Phil: Please note this!)

2. Men: AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.


7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
*            *            *            *            *
SENIOR ISSUES
It's The Door!
Some youngsters might need to read this twice to see the humor!
Thought you'd like to know!
Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?
Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.
Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.
It's not aging, it's the door! Thank goodness for studies like this!
*            *            *            *            *
TEXTING CODES FOR SENIORS
(Editor’s Note: I’ve probably used this one not all that long ago, but, well ….. you know.)
Young people have theirs,
Now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD - At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM - Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

* DWI - Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL - Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT - Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?


Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
*            *            *            *            *
Traffic Camera
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt!                   
*            *            *            *            *
The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.

It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co -pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There are a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

“Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ..no mattah ...all  same.”
*            *            *            *            *
“RETARDED” GRANDPARENTS .......
 
Written by a third grader, on what his grandparents do.
 
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
 
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box that has wheels, but it’s strapped to the ground.
 
They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now: they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all just jump up and down in it with hats on.
 
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds.
 
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
 
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
*            *            *            *            * 
Things that end in "TOR"

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with "tor" that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher is a bit reluctant to call on him. But she does.
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my mother has one and she says it eats freaking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
*            *            *            *            *
A young man graduated from the University of Alabama with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper that hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Alabama, he went back to the country to do his research.
He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it: then took it home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yep! One time my neighbor's daughter, a real good lookin' gal, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said, "I can't print that either." He decided to try a new line of questioning. "Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed. After a few seconds, he looked up timidly and said, "I got lost once... "
*            *            *            *            *
Okay. It’s time for this week’s TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC
On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation, who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man, and wondered what was going to happen.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only one teaspoon, and then say '1-2-3'. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'," he responded. "But when she does,the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took one teaspoon of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why you should never end your sentences with a preposition ... because you could end up with a dangling participle.
*            *            *            *            *
And who would want that? One - it seemed so nice that it was as easy at 1-2-3. 2 bad! And three’s a crowd!
Just time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend! A few of us over here will be watching the NFL Championship Game on Sunday evening – known as the Super Bowl. Or, this year known as the “Harbowl” - as the two teams’ head coaches are Jim and John Harbaugh. May the best brother win!
See you all next week, hopefully!
TGI-Jeff

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