Greetings from your Friday guy. Can you believe it? This is the third issue in this lovely month of July! Only one or two or three of you are providing the material, but it’s enough to keep this thing going, as long as I find a little time to do it. I’m no longer down in the TGIF dungeon, although it is much cooler down there now. It was 96 degrees on Wednesday, and I went down there to enjoy the damp coolness. My house is well insulated and so, even on hot days, it stay cool inside, relative to the high outdoor temperatures. On Wednesday, it was 96 outdoors; while only 77 inside, and about 65 down in the basement. I have lots of work to do down there to get rid of stuff, including papers, books and other stuff I had saved for some reason or another.
Dianne and I have been spending a lot of time getting everything ready for our wedding. The rings are on order; the clothes have been purchased; the ceremony has been planned; the marriage certificate has been prepared by the town & state and Dianne’s lake house repairs are being finalized this week.
Also, the logistics have been planned for all our kids and spouses as to how they are arriving and where everyone will be lodged and transport arranged. As you may recall, the weekend of August 12/13 is the big Taft Family Reunion here in Vermont in nearby North Shrewsbury. So, we get married on Thursday (the 11th), with celebratory dinner at the Inn at Weathersfield (where Joya and Chris got married in 2016) that evening. The next evening we all join the reunion. On Saturday morning we celebrate Phil and Kailey’s recent elopement wedding for brunch and then all join the reunion for the rest of the day. I hope the weather cooperates with all of this.
Let’s see what I have in the TGIF joke bag for this week.
The New P.E Teacher
A young woman gets a job as a physical education teacher of 14-year-olds. On her first day, she comes to watch the kids playing soccer. She watches as they all get together and start playing. However, she quickly notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You ok?" she says kindly.
"Yes." he says.
"You can go and play with the other kids you know." she says encouragingly.
"It’s best I stay here." he says.
"Why’s that sweetie?" asks the compassionate teacher.
The boy gives her a weird look and says, “Because I’m the Goalie.”
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Boyfriends
A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture.
At one point, she looked up and asked: "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?"
The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
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Faith
Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them. Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can. Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.
While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by.
He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, "Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!"
* * * * * * * *
An American Success Story
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoeshine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.
One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"
The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?"
The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
"What’s your name?" asked the executive.
“John H. Smith,” was the reply.
The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department, “Do we have a client named John H. Smith?”
"We certainly do,” answers the Customer Service Manager. "He is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."
The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience."
At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. "We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can all learn from him."
Mr. Smith began his story...
"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a Whore in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."
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Useful Knowledge
When you have 90 percent of a large project completed, finishing up the final details will take another 90 percent.
Anything you say before the word “but” does not count.
Denying or deflecting a compliment is rude. Accept it with thanks.
Getting cheated occasionally is a small price to pay for trusting the best in everyone, because when you trust the best in others they will treat you the best.
When you get invited to something in the future, ask yourself, Would I do this tomorrow?
Purchase a tourist guidebook to your hometown. You’ll learn a lot playing tourist once a year.
The thing that made you weird as a kid could make you great as an adult.
It’s not an apology if it comes with an excuse.
Just because it’s not your fault doesn’t mean it’s not your responsibility.
Ignore what they are thinking of you because they are not thinking of you.
If you think you saw a mouse, you did, and if there is one, there are others.
Something does not need to be perfect to be wonderful, especially weddings.
The biggest lie we tell ourselves is, “I don’t need to write this down because I will remember it.
If you're not sure you can carry it all, take two trips.
Always make the call. If you’re disturbed or confused by something somebody did, always pick up the phone.
Job interviews are not really about you. They are about the employer’s needs and how you can fill them.
If you can’t make up your mind between two options, flip a coin. Don’t decide based on which side of the coin came up. Decide based on your emotional reaction to which side came up.
Take photos of things your parents do every day. That’s how you’ll want to remember them.
Build identity capital. In your 20s do three fascinating things that job interviewers and dinner companions will want to ask you about for the rest of your life.
Marriage is a 50-year conversation. Marry someone you want to talk with for the rest of your life.
If you’re giving a speech, be vulnerable. Fall on the audience and let them catch you. They will.
Never be furtive. If you’re doing something you don’t want others to find out about, it’s probably wrong.
If you’re traveling in a place you’ve never been before, listen to an album you’ve never heard before. Forever after that music will remind you of that place.
If you’re cutting cake at a birthday party with a bunch of kids howling around you, it’s quicker and easier to cut the cake with dental floss, not a knife. Lay the floss across the cake and firmly press down.
When you’re beginning a writing project, give yourself permission to write badly. You can’t fix it until it’s down on paper.
One-off events usually don’t amount to much. Organize gatherings that meet once a month or once a year.
Make the day; don’t let the day make you. Make sure you are setting your schedule, not just responding to invitations from others.
If you meet a jerk once a month, you’ve met a jerk. If you meet jerks every day, you’re a jerk.
Never pass up an opportunity to hang out with musicians.
Don’t try to figure out what your life is about. It’s too big a question. Just figure out what the next three years are about.
If you’ve lost your husband (or wife), sleep on his (or her) side of the bed and it won’t feel so empty.
Don’t ever look up a recent photo of your first great love.
If you’re trying to figure out what supermarket line is fastest, get behind a single shopper with a full cart over two shoppers each with a half-full cart.
Low on kitchen counter space? Pull out a drawer and put your cutting board on top of it.
You can always tell someone to go to hell tomorrow.
* * * * * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic!
Good Genes
A 65 year old goes to the doctor. After the examination the doctor says, "Clyde, you're in remarkable shape. I don't even have any suggestions. Just curious, how old was your father when he passed away?"
Clyde says, "What, my father died?"
The doctor responds, “No, I just figured at your age, but I’m not surprised. How old is he?”
Clyde quips, “He’s 85.”
Doc says,, “OK, how old was your grandfather when he passed?”
Clyde, with a look of surprise asks, “What, papaw died?”
The doctor is incredulous. “You’re grandfather is alive too, amazing. How old is he?”
Well, he’s 105 and he’s why I’m getting my physical. I have to fly out to his wedding. He’s marrying a 25 year old.”
Doc says, “Why in the world would a 105 year old want to marry at 25 year old?”
Clyde says with a wry smile “Who says he WANTED to?”
* * * * * * * *
I can assure you that Dianne IS NOT PREGNANT and so I am not being forced to marry her!
I am looking forward to it and all the family gatherings.
Have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
