Greetings from your TGIF guy who has recently become the monthly guy and not the weekly guy. It’s not because there is a lack of contributions. Many of you are paying your dues up, although most of you are sad slackers! Some of my local friends have complained that I dropped them from my TGIF address list. They said that they only receive it “intermittently” and I tell them that it is because I am only issuing them “intermittently”!
Married life has its consequences. But I promised Dianne that I would not throw her under the bus. Let me just say that most of those consequences and distractions are good ones.
In today’s edition I have a joke about the Google Future and how Google knows everything about us. Well, I had a real-life experience with that this week. I had difficulty logging onto the website of the company with whom I have some financial investments. When I tried to log on with my user name and password, it was rejected. So, eventually I had to call the number provided. I first got a woman from South Asia who tried to help me but she had to transfer me to another person in order to verify my identity. The second woman partly apologized in advance by saying that she had to ask me a series of multiple choice questions in order to authenticate my identity. I said, “Fine, go ahead”. She then proceeded to ask me questions about the year, make and color of vehicles that I have owned over the last 30 years. It was rather humorous. I managed to pass this test and was transferred to another guy who helped me set up my account to access my information. In the process, I discovered that the last phone number that had linked to my account, and the reason I could not gain access, was linked to my late father-in-law’s home. While oversees, he managed a lot of our financial stuff. So, that made sense. But what a process to have that changed.
I was wondering how they knew all that information about the vehicles that I have owned. I then realized that it was because they have my social security number and can use that to get info about me from the Department of Motor Vehicles. So, that’s how they verified my identity.
We lost a great one this week! Bob Ulbrich passed away yesterday after a wonderful life and a late-life struggle with cancer. He was 92 (I think) and I really enjoyed playing tennis with him during these last 12 years, although he finally gave it up a few years ago. He loved hitting lob drop shots and watching the younger guys have to run back to try to get them. My condolences to his wife Diane and all the relatives. May he now rest in peace.
Today is the first anniversary of the Russian invasion into Ukraine. What a tragedy for all concerned.
We finally got a little snow yesterday but not as much as was predicted. I may go skiing today to enjoy the new snow and the packed trails. Time to dive into today’s fare:
TECH SUPPORT
The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!
The query:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed: Desperate
The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)…
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck
Tech Support
* * * * * * * *
Age Changes Attitude: A Story of a Barn Light Bulb
Picture this... a light bulb in the barn burns out.
- A 30-year-old assesses the situation and rewires the barn himself, with more and brighter lights.
- A 40-year-old hires an electrician to upgrade the lighting system.
- A 50-year-old replaces the burned-out bulb.
- A 60-year-old tells his son, hired man or grandson to replace the burned-out bulb.
- A 70-year-old declares that darkness is God’s way of saying it’s time to quit for the day.
* * * * * * * *
Confucius Say:
OK to let a fool kiss you, but not OK to let a kiss fool you.
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs for real merchandise downstairs.
Better to lose a lover than love a loser.
Man with broken condom often called Daddy.
Drunken man's words often sober man's thoughts.
Viagra just like Disneyland ... One hour wait for 2-minute ride.
Joke is just like sex. Neither any good if you don't get it.
Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in Glass House should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Lady who goes camping must be aware of evil intent.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
* * * * * * * *
THE FUTURE
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's GOOGLE Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir,
GOOGLE bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our CALLER ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of GOOGLE, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
Welcome to the future.
* * * * * * * *
Prescription to Sleep Well at Night
Dr. Myers has been looking after one of his patients, 80-year-old Freda Crane, for most of her life. But, he now retires and passes all his patients over to the newly qualified Dr. Faith, who has just joined the practice.
One of the first things Dr. Faith does is to ask to see Freda and she should bring with her a list of all the medicines that have been prescribed for her. Eventually, Freda has her appointment.
As Dr. Faith is looking through Freda’s list, he is totally shocked to see that she has a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Crane," he says, "do you realize that these are birth control pills?"
"Yes doctor," replies Freda, "they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Crane," says Dr. Faith, "I can assure you that there is absolutely nothing in birth control pills that could possibly help you sleep better at night."
When she hears this, Freda reaches over to Dr. Faith, lovingly pats him on his knee and says, "Yes, doctor, I know this, but every morning I get up very early, grind up one of the pills and mix it in a glass of orange juice."
"And then?" asks Dr. Faith, "You drink the orange juice?"
"Oh no!", responds Mrs. Crane, "I give it to my 16-year-old granddaughter Suzy when she wakes up - believe me doctor, this helps me sleep at night."
* * * * * * * *
PRESIDENT HARRY TRUMAN
Thought you'd enjoy this!
It's one you want your Children and Grandchildren to read.
They won't believe this happened, but it DID.
Harry & Bess
Harry Truman was a different kind of President He probably made as many, or more important decisions regarding our nation's history as any of the other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness
may rest on what he did after he left the White House.
The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence Missouri. His wife had inherited the house from her mother and father and other than their years in the White
House, they lived their entire lives there.
When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an 'allowance' and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.
After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.
When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, "You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for sale."
Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, "I don't consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise."
As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.
Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale.
Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!
I say dig him up and clone him!
* * * * * * * *
Bus Fare
Mom: Son, when the bus driver asks you how old you are, tell him that you're 6, not seven. We'll save ten cents.
Driver: How old are you, son?
Child: I'm six, sir.
Driver: And, when will you be seven?
Child: When I get off this bus.
* * * * * * * *
COVER THYSELF
A rabbi and a priest went for a walk in the park, and strolled by a large lake.
Suddenly the rabbi said: "Let's go in and do some 'baptism', the water looks really clear!"
"But we don't have swimsuits" the priest told him.
"So what?" replied the rabbi, "Let's go into the water as God created us."
The priest thought for a moment and then agreed with him. They took off their clothes, laid them on a piece of grass at the edge of the lake and went in for a short dip. After a few minutes they left the lake and walked back towards the place where they had put the clothes. Suddenly the two noticed a small group of people staring right at them. Embarrassed, the priest tried to cover his shame with his hands. He looked to the side and discovered that the rabbi was covering his face with his hands.
"What are you doing?!?" hissed the priest, "cover your privates!"
"I don't know how it goes in YOUR congregation." Said the Rabbi, "but my people recognize me by my face!"
* * * * * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic!
Never Ask a Gramma
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.’
* * * * * * * *
Time to put this one to bed. I just need to cue up Santana’s “Soul Sacrifice” to help me finish this one. That’s the music that I listened to in my office on Thursday nights with WFP after everyone went home and I was left there all alone to draft my TGIF message and get it ready to send when I got into the office on Friday morning. It just so happened that frequently, the last Santana song that was usually playing when I wrapped up my draft TGIF message was Soul Sacrifice, the version that Santana played at Woodstock in August of 1969 (when I was 18) and before they had become famous. So, I have fond memories of that.
I wish you all a wonderful Friday and a fantastic weekend.
Until next month (ha ha), I bid you adieu.
TGI-Jeff
