TGIF - 20 December 2013

 Greetings from your TGIF editor as we approach the end of year holidays on this penultimate Friday of 2013. I wish all of you “Happy Holidays and Happy New Year 2014”. Another big thank you goes out to all of you who have contributed material to this ongoing effort to put out a Friday TGIF message as we enter the 20^th year of it’s existence.

Just like most of the country, this last week was very cold. The other morning it was minus 10 F here. I enjoyed former WFP colleague Bill Barclay’s post on Facebook, from about 20 miles west of here, on that morning as his thermometer (probably obtained when he was in Thailand or Indonesia) showed the red mercury below the lowest reading of about 10 degrees F (about minus 10 C) and I doubt it will recover from that “low point”.

One nice thing about this cold weather is that our garage becomes a supplemental refrigerator. But a few items I put out there last week actually froze!!!

I did go skiing a few days before the extreme cold hit and it was good. We had a foot of snow over last weekend and I went skiing on Monday. It was probably the best snow conditions at Okemo that I have seen there in the last 3 years. My legs are always very sore after the first few days of skiing, so I only skied about 6 runs on the first day (last Friday) and about 12 runs on Monday. Still, my legs are sore and especially when I have to take the stairs. But the only way to get in shape for skiing I’ve learned is to ski.

We look forward to the imminent arrival of our three kids in the next days to spend the Christmas week here with us! Last year, none of the 3 were able to get up here so we are especially looking forward to this. And Pam’s family will be with us for Christmas and the day after, when we’ll do our Secret Santa gift exchange. Looking forward to these good family times!

Last week in the TGIF, I used a contribution about gravestone markings. I received the following email from Pam’s cousin Bruce:

In the East Woodstock (CT) cemetery there is this other one that I found.  (Sam says it's a well-known saying, but I hadn't seen it previously.)

  Let not thy Dead

    Forgotten Lie

  Lest Man Forget

That They Must Die.

This is a Debt to God

     That Due

  Which I have Paid

  And So Must You 

By the way, I assume you know why infant diapers have such names as "Huggies" and "Luvs" while the adult brand is "Depends?"

Of course it's because if you poop in your pants while an infant, you are still hugged and loved, but if you do that as an adult, well.... it depends on who is in the will.

*            *            *            *            *

Happy Holidays!

  

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving.  As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. 

Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ...  I took a cab (taxi) home!

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past.  I arrived home safely without incident.  This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before.  I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!

Happy Holidays!

*            *            *            *            *

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds and $50,000.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

*            *            *            *            *

THE EFFECT OF USING FOUR LITTLE WORDS – “I LOVE YOU SWEETHEART”

A group of a dozen women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are the replies:

01. Who the hell is this?

02. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

03. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??

04. What now? Did you crash the car again?

05. I don't understand what you mean?

06. What the f**k did you do now?

07. ?!?

08. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

09. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??

*            *            *            *            *

Not a kid!

You're Not a Kid Anymore When...

You enjoy watching the news.

The phone rings and you hope it’s not for you.

The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.

People ask what colour your hair USED to be.

You're proud of your lawn mower.

You start singing along with the elevator music.

Your car has four doors.

You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style --TWICE.

8 AM is your idea of "sleeping in".

You write thank you notes without being told.

You start Christmas shopping in August.

You don't like to drive after dark.

You say the words "Turn that music down!"

You point out what buildings used to be where.

You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.

*            *            *            *            *

Club

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"

The pigmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

"I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."

*            *            *            *            *

Language

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.  He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "The trucker out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde.  She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, head lights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

*            *            *            *            *

One day while playing golf, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It’s Jack and I’m okay thanks," I replied.

"Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile: “She won't know anything.

By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I said . . .

*            *            *            *            *

Grandad remembering the good old days .....

"When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to a corner store with $1, and I'd come back with 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now.

Too many freaking security cameras. 

*            *            *            *            *

A Father Attempting to Bond With His Son

I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a pint of bitter - he didn't like it so I drank it.

Next I offered him a lager, he didn't like that either so I drank that one as well.

In desperation I gave him four other brands of beer, then a whisky and two others that I can't remember. I drank them all.

By the time we left, I was barely able to push the pram.

*            *            *            *            *

Murphy applied for a job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job.

"Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that?" "We both got 19 questions correct." "This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager: "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.'

You put down, ‘Neither do I’.“

*            *            *            *            *

Another Romantic Christmas Story

I guess I'm just a softie---these romantic stories always get to me---

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

*            *            *            *            *

Time for the Christmas TGIF Golden Classic

I wasn’t going to use this one, as it’s an old one. But since I received it in the past 2 weeks from a dozen of my most respected friends, who thought they were paying their TGIF dues, I’ve decided to use it. Partly to thank them and partly to hopefully scare off any more of you from submitting it, thinking you are paying your dues. (It doesn’t matter that I write this, I am 100% sure I will receive this joke at least one more time between now and the end of the year! It seems to always work that way!)

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "to get into heaven you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas." 

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The paddy replied, "These are Carols."

*            *            *            *            *

It’s time to close and wish you all a festive end of year/new year holidays!

And as it is the season of giving, don’t forget about “giving” some material to your TGIF editor so that we can keep this thing going for another 20 years!

Until next year, take care and peace,

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 13 December 2013

Greetings from a cold and white Vermont in this mid-December time leading up to the end of year holidays. The ground is frozen and covered with a layer of snow. The ski areas are open and have made lots of snow. The ponds are also frozen and I look forward to some skating and skiing, although I haven’t been out yet. Also looking forward to the arrival of our 3 kids next weekend for Christmas. I still have to go out and cut down a Christmas tree. I’ll likely do that tomorrow.

I mentioned last week that I was going to attend the New England Patriots’ game last Sunday. What a game!  With about 5 minutes left in the game, the opposing team (Cleveland) scored a touchdown that put them ahead by 12 points. Most of the fans seated around us got up to leave as it was cold and it looked like the Pats were going to lose. A few of us in our section stayed to the end and witnessed another miraculous Tom Brady-led comeback and we did a lot of shouting and high-fiving until the Patriots walked off with a 27 to 26 victory. Jon, Mary and I had a great time, even though it was cold. But it seemed less cold with the win and a few adult beverages!

It’s Christmas shopping season and I’d like to assist with some gift ideas for you to use:

Christmas gift suggestions:

To your enemy, forgiveness.

To an opponent, tolerance.

To a friend, your heart.

To a customer, service.

To all, charity.

To every child, a good example.

To yourself, respect.

*            *            *            *            *

Subject: Oooops . . . who are you?

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.  So he asks, 'Do you know me?' 

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' 

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.  So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

*            *            *            *            *

Japanese Sex

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex...

Hasband : Sukitaki.

Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina Tim kouji!.

*            *            *

Incredible...

And there you sit, reading this stuff as if you understand Japanese!!! 

Unbelievable!…

I knew you would read anything about Japanese.

*            *            *            *            *

Most of my material is in English, although I used to use some things in French or Italian. But I don’t always have an interpreter to satisfy those of you less cultured folk out there. But, for the deaf amongst you, I hear that there is a guy in South Africa that I might be able to get cheaply to “sign” my TGIF messages for you. And then, for those of you who think my TGIF messages are gibberish, you’ll maybe appreciate them.

And speaking of deaf and dumb (I’m not referring to ALL my TGIF members!), I recently saw this one:   LISTEN and SILENT. – Two words that have the same letters in them. Coincidence???

*            *            *            *            *

Political Correctness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as

'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as 

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore,

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK'!  She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE'- She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG'  you - She becomes
'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER'- She is a
'LOW-COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT'- He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER'- He is
'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME '- He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING'- He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

*            *            *            *            *

Lion Was Getting Married

Lion was getting married. At his wedding was a mouse shouting away and congratulating the lion

"All the best, my brother. Good luck."

Seeing the mouse shouting away claiming that the lion getting married is his brother, another Lion grabs the mouse in anger and asks: "Who the hell do you think you are? How can a lion be your brother? You are only a mouse."

The Mouse replies:

"I, too, was a Lion before I got married."

*            *            *            *            *

 Funny Tombstones From Long Ago

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903—Died 1942.

Looked up the elevator shaft to see

if the car was on the way down.

It was

*            *            *

In a Thurmont, Maryland cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist,

all dressed up and no place to go.

*            *            *

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.

Only the good die young.

*            *            *

In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old

maid but died an old Mann.        

Dec. 8, 1767

*            *            *

In a Ribbesford, England cemetery:

AnnaWallace

The children of  Israel wanted bread, and  the Lord sent them manna.

Clark  Wallace  wanted a wife, and the Devil sent him Anna.

*            *            *

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.

Pardon him for not rising.

*            *            *

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,

stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

*            *            *

In a Silver City, Nevada cemetery:

Here lays The Kid, we planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger, but slow on the draw.

*            *            *

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,

and that is Strange.

*            *            *

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,

dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

*            *            *

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

*            *            *

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:

Here lies the body of our Anna,

done to death by a banana.

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,

but the skin of the thing that made her go.

*            *            *

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod,

Pease shelled out and went to God.

*            *            *

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,

as you are now, so once was I.

As I am now, so shall you be, 

remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the  tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent, until I know which way you went.

*            *            *            *            *

A Country Preacher

For the purpose of this one, we are to understand that this preacher lives in Canada.

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

A Bible; a Silver Dollar; a bottle of Jack Daniels and a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.'

'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.

'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's going to be the next mayor of Toronto!'

*            *            *            *            *

GPS poem...

I have a little GPS

I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones

My GPS - my wife

It gives me full instructions

Especially how to drive

"It's sixty k’s an hour", it says

"You're doing sixty five"

It tells me when to stop and start

And when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever

Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red

And when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively

Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front

And all those to the rear

And taking this into account

It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver

Has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car

It still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counseling

Each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,

Makes sure I'm properly fed,

It washes all my shirts and things

And - lets me have a shed.

Despite all these advantages

And my tendency to scoff,

I do wish that once in a while

I could turn the damned thing off.

*            *            *            *            *

Time for the TGIF Golden Classic

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. 

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" 

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.  The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No kidding," he said.  "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?"

*            *            *            *            *

For the superstitious out there: Be careful as today is Friday the 13^th!

Just time to wish you all a wonderful weekend and Happy Holidays!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 06 December 2013

Greetings from the Friday guy at this, the end of the first week of December. Last week was our Thanksgiving, (and the reason you got no TGIF message) which was thoroughly enjoyed with family. That Thursday was followed by Black Friday (and Saturday) and then Cyber Monday. Which was then followed on Wednesday by our little guy’s 25^th birthday! We can’t believe that the baby of our family is that old! He said that a quarter of his life is over! Optimistic, but you never know. His grandpa (my Dad) will be 97 in 2 weeks.

The big breaking news now is the passing of a truly great man – Nelson Mandela. What a life he led and what a legacy!

Having not done a message in two weeks has permitted the accumulation of some material from you all. Thanks to all you frequent contributors and to 'double-V', from whom I’ve stolen some stuff for this issue. I guess there is nothing wrong with us “feeding” each other!

In the New England sports world, the big news this week was the departure of the Red Sox centerfielder, Jacoby Ellsbury, to the greener (as in 153 million greenbacks over 7 years) pastures of Yankee Stadium in New York. Those Damn Yankees have done it again. So, the Red Sox/Yankee feud continues.

Yankees versus Red Sox

A family of New York Yankee fans headed out one Saturday to shop for the youngest boy's birthday. While in the sports shop the son picks up a Red Sox jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Red Sox fan and I would like this Boston jersey for my birthday."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him upside his head and says, "Go talk to mother." Off goes the little lad with the jersey in hand and finds his mother.

"Mom?"

"Yes, son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!" Off he goes with the Red Sox jersey in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes, son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son in the back of his head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been a Red Sox fan for an hour and I already hate you Yankee bastards."

*            *            *            *            *

The Skunk Twins

A mother skunk gave birth to twins, whom she named In and Out.

One day In was out, so she asked Out: "Out go out and find In, In's out and I want him in, I've been looking for In outside for ages, I can't find In, he is out so go out find In and bring him in."

"What?" said Out.

"In's out, so Out go out and find In and bring him In, I've been looking for ages and can't find In, I want In in, Out go out and bring In in, if you can find him."

So Out goes out to look for his brother In, and within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow, and his mother asks "Out, how did you find In so quickly?"

Out says........."In stinkt."

*            *            *            *            *

The Mother-in-law

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable - the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation …...... she never got your E-mail!"
 

*            *            *            *            *

The Two Red Necks

Two Red Necks were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the first Red Neck says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The second Red Neck crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even." 

*            *            *            *            *

Dr. Epstein

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his hometown, and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his hometown. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he broke wind stentorously.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberating down the hall! He was appallingly embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen

in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Brown and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Brown?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but a very embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, but one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before, or after the Epstein Fart?"

*            *            *            *            *

Crocodile Shoes

A blonde was on holiday, driving through the Northern Territory.

She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.  After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

 

Just then, he spots a huge 5 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 8 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching with big eyes in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back.  Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out........



   

" SH*T, SH*T, SH*T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

*            *            *            *            *

A Really Good Trick

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."   

*            *            *            *            *

It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic

Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' 

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. 

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... 

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 

'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard' 

*            *            *            *            *

And here is a bonus golden oldie, but with a slightly different ending:

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

No offense intended for citizens of any of those countries or regions!

Time to bid adieu until at least next week. I am looking forward to attending the N.E. Patriot’s game on Sunday in Foxboro. Hope it’s not too cold! Go Pats!

Have great weekends to one and all!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 22 November 2013

Greetings from your TGIF guy on this, the 50^th anniversary of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. I was a 13 year-old 7^th grader in Ohio and was sitting in study hall in school when the loudspeaker from the principal’s office, used for special “all-school announcements, all of a sudden came alive with the sound of a “staticky” radio broadcast. We quickly heard that it was from Dallas and that JFK had been shot and was being rushed to the hospital. We all were shocked and some were praying and crying and, of course, the news only became worse when it was confirmed that he had died. The world seemed to stop for the next four days as we all sat glued to the TV coverage of everything. I remember seeing Lee Harvey Oswald being shot on live TV on the Saturday morning as he was being transferred from one lock-up to another.  Then there was the funeral in DC on Sunday. The many conspiracy theories remain today, 50 years later and they will probably continue to exist as a lot of key evidence was destroyed, for one reason or another.

Saying all this, it will be nice when this week is over as the media coverage has been overwhelming. Meanwhile, here in Vermont this week it has gotten winter cold. The nighttime temperatures fall below freezing and don’t rise much above it during the days. We had a dusting of snow the other night and the ponds are in the process of freezing. It is deer hunting season as well. Each night I seen two or three deer pass over our lawn on their way back up the hill from probably watering downhill in the stream. I see them because I have a motion light in our back yard and when it goes on, I realize there are some critters out there roaming around. Sometimes it is a skunk; sometimes it is a few raccoons; and sometimes it’s a fox. I once saw a moose walk by on an early spring morning.

Before I jump into this week’s material, I just checked the fan mail inbox and found the following:

“Many thanks for the continuing and entertaining TGIF emails.  I must take exception, however, to one of the 'truisms' in your last communique.  It is NOT true that the toothbrush was invented in 1498.  In fact, it was invented in the hills of West Virginia in the late 1800s.  Otherwise, it would have been called the TEETHBRUSH!”

TGIF Editor’s Note: I thank you for that correction and wish to remind all of you that you are welcome to submit your complaints and corrections, or complimentary messages. TGIF is an equal opportunity employer!

*            *            *            *            *

AN IRISHMAN ON A DIET

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.                                                          

“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...

And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

“That's amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The Irishman nodded....

“I'll tell you though, by all the saints, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.”

“You mean from the hunger?” asked the doctor.

“No, from all that skipping!”

*            *            *            *            *

SOME APPROPRIATE DEFINITIONS

University : A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

(TGIF Editor’s note: This one reminds me of a true story that happened probably 30 years ago in WFP headquarters. A WFP colleague, and friend of mine, was late for work and snuck quickly into the building and got to the elevator without anyone really noticing. He thought he was home safe as he got into the elevator and pushed the button for the 5^th floor. Just then, the WFP Executive Director and his security walked into the elevator. The security guy pushed the button for the 8^th floor and my colleague looked sheepishly at the wall of the elevator opposite him. After a  few moments of awkward silence, the E.D. looks my friend in the eye and says, “I won’t tell anyone if you don’t!”)

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by the bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise.

*            *            *            *            *

THE JEWISH GRANDMOTHER

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet dwhen all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there... he was swept away. 

The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "How could you do this? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to  charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my 

very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"

A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"

A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on  the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is  smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Now are  you satisfied?"

She responds ...”He had a hat." 

*            *            *            *            *

DRAFTING GUYS OVER 60

---New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!---

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military-----They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. 

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. 

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? 

*            *            *            *            *

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTOR’S OFFICES

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.  Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?  The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.  The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!

*            *            *            *            *

THE DEAD HORSE THEORY

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that:  "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount." 

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

  1. Buying a stronger whip.

  2. Changing riders.

  3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

  4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

  5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

  6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

  7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

  8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

  9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

  10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

  11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

  12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And, of course...

  13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

  And so it is that horse's asses came to outnumber horses.

*            *            *            *            *

IT’S TIME FOR THE TGIF GOLDEN CLASSICS!

While a few of the above ones were used before, the following two are truly good golden oldies of the TGIF:

THE PASTOR

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. 

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. 

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." 

The entire congregation held its breath. 

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

(TGIF Editor’s Note: I wonder if this story reminds my sis-in-law Martha of anything?)

*            *            *            *            *

THE PRIEST’S RETIREMENT FUNCTION

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession..'

Moral : Never, never, never be late.

*            *            *            *            *

I hope it’s not too late to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!

Until next week, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do – or at least don’t get caught!

Cheers.

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 15 November 2013

Greetings at the end of another week. Time flies when you’re having fun! I am drafting this on Thursday night, as usual, and today was the Muslim holiday of Ashura. So, for those who celebrated this, I wish you well and hope you had a nice day with family and friends. And this past week also had the day, 11-12-13, although only we here in the USA use month first in the numerical dating. The next one like that will be next December when we will have 12-13-14. Are those auspicious dates? Maybe so.

We had a cold spell here this week. Sunny, but windy and cold, with temps in the 20s (F). Now, if that was in the 20s Celsius – that would be perfect! It’s going to warm up to “seasonal” temps in the next days and we may get some rain at the end of the weekend.  Some of the larger local ski areas that have snow making equipment have already opened part of their total area. So, I may have to get out on the slopes, even though it seems early for me. And, am I in shape for skiing? I learned last year that the only thing that gets you in shape for skiing is skiing. The legs and muscles therein ache like heck the next day – but after 3 or 4 days of skiing, they’re good to go!

What a tragedy in the Philippines and especially in Samar, Leyte and Cebu provinces. I visited those areas back in the late 80s when I lived and worked there, based in Manila. Reminds me a bit of the tsunami we experienced while in Sri Lanka at the end of 2004. Hope the relief operations can get moving a bit faster than media reports have implied.

Looking for some good news, let’s go to India, where the MasterBlaster Sachin Tendulkar is currently playing in his last test cricket match. In a country and region where cricket is the national religion, Sachin is almost God. I was fortunate to have seen him play in Colombo, with Pam, when we were there. Although he is 40 and nearing the end of a more than 20-year professional career, he is still expected to hammer out a century in his last test match. Incredible! He’s a great sportsman and I hope he does it and then retires happily.

Meanwhile, and back to the real world here in the USA, all the political talk has been about the Affordable Care Act (known commonly as Obamacare) and how people are having great difficulties trying to sign up on line to one of the health insurance plans. I hope the administration gets it sorted out soon. In the meantime, it seems the Republicans are pushing through congress another similar act.

Affordable Boat Act

The government has just passed a new law called: "The affordable boat act" declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new boat, by April 2014. These "affordable" boats will cost an average of $24,000-$124,000 each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, insurance, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance or repair costs. 

This law has been passed, because until now, typically only financially responsible and working people have been able to purchase boats. This new laws ensures that every American can now have an "affordable" boat of their own, because everyone is "entitled" to a boat.  

In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable boat, the costs of owning a boat will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, working taxpayers will pay more for something that other people don't want or can't afford to maintain.  But to be fair, people who can’t afford to maintain their boat will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can use their parents’ boats to party on until they turn 27; then must purchase their own boat. 

If you already have a boat, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you can't). If you don't want or don't need a boat, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one, you will be fined until you purchase one or face imprisonment.  For those that cannot afford one, they will get a free boat with a monthly check for all ownership costs listed above at taxpayer expense.

Failure to use the boat will also result in fines. People living in the desert, inner cities or areas with no access to lakes are not exempt. Age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge nor lack of desire are acceptable excuses for not using your boat. 

A government review board will decide everything, including; when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your boat along with how many people can ride your boat and determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their boat. They will also decide if your boat has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories, or a newer and more expensive boat. (Cash for Clunkers guidelines will be used).

Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a boat, they and their families can obtain boats free, at the expense of tax payers. Unions, special interest and major donors are also exempt. 

*            *            *            *            *

Six Basic Rules For Good Health

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.

5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level !!!

SO .... REMEMBER .........

6. FISHING is good for your health and soul .....

And may the Good Lord cleanse your Filthy Mind !!!

*            *            *            *            *

GOLFING DAYS ARE OVER

TGIF Editor’s Note: I think they are for this year. I’ve kept my clubs in the garage near the car for the last month, thinking that I was going to get out one more time before the winter. Alas, it hasn’t happened. At least I still have my two good arms and legs for next year’s golfing!

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the Hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon stopped to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.

"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good News?"

"The good news is, I have a donated one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.  I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again.."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes In watercolours."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer.

"Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.”

*         *         *         *         *

And speaking of signing up on line for Obamacare, here is an amended one that I used not long ago, but that someone has applied/linked to the online sing-up mess.

Signing in on line to the Obamacare website......................

Choosing a Username at HealthCare.org
 

"You must enter a password to proceed."
  

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."
    

pretty roses

 

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."
  

1 pretty rose

 

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
  

1prettyrose

 

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."
  

1fuckingprettyrose

 

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."
  

1FUCKINGprettyrose

 

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."  
  

1FuckingPrettyRose

 

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."    
    

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!

 

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation marks."    
 

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow

 

"Sorry, that password is already taken."

*            *            *            *            *

LOVE IS IN BROOM

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and,  after a while, they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely. 

 

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!' 

'IMPOSSIBLE!' said the groom broom. 

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!' 

*            *            *            *            *

QUIZ TIME!

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

(Answers are below)

1.  Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years..

4.  People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7% of the population are lefties.

7. 40-people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11.  The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7-times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in 'An Officer and a Gentleman' and 'Tootsie.'

20. Michael Jackson owned the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the  milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Now, scroll down for the answers...

They are all TRUE!

Now go back and think about 16

  

*            *            *            *            *

It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic for this week.

ESTATE PLANNING

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.  When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune once his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

*            *            *            *            *

Now we’ve come to the end of this issue. I don’t want any complaining about the contents since I have used only the contributions that I have received during this last week and I have used all the ones that I could and that haven’t been used all that recently. In other words, I received about 10 contributions since last Friday. You all have to do a better job if you expect one of these every Friday!

Time to wish you a friendly Friday and a wonderful weekend!

TGI-Jeff