Greetings from your Friday guy – for the first time in 2 months! Sometime life gets in the way! You know: attending doctor’s appointments, having all kinds of medical tests done, playing bridge and ping pong and skiing. There has also been shoveling snow, bringing in wood for our fireplace, attending high school boys and girls basketball games, as well as Dianne’s granddaughters’ basketball games. Also, taking our recycling to the transfer station. Going out to dinner with friends. Cooking delicious dinners with Dianne and dancing in the kitchen with her. So, a lot of seemingly boring stuff. But now, I finally have something to write about that was not of this routine nature. Two weeks ago, I had a physical exam with my PCP. Prior to that, they drew some blood and ran several tests. During the physical, my doc said that most of my tests looked good. My cholesterol is down, my blood pressure is good, and everything else looked pretty good, although one thing indicated that I had some sort of inflammation. We talked about many things. I mentioned that recently I had experienced some shortness of breath when exercising. I just thought it was an ageing issue. She said that anytime one has that symptom, it needs to be investigated. So, she ordered an echocardiogram at the hospital. I had that done last Tuesday, March 10th. That night at about 9 pm, my PCP called me and told me to get up to the ER at the hospital. So, I did. They were waiting for me. The echocardiogram had revealed excess fluids all around my heart. An hour later I was in an ambulance being taken up to the excellent regional hospital (Dartmouth Hitchcock). The next day surgery was performed that removed about a half a liter of fluids from around my heart. I spent the next days in the hospital and returned home on Friday night. I feel like a new man. I also feel very fortunate that I have such a good PCP who insisted I did the “echo” despite my reluctance.
The other news to share, especially with those who know our family, is that Joya is doing well in her pregnancy and my second grandchild will likely be born in April.
At this point in late winter, (Spring officially begins today or tomorrow) we are all sick of it and the cold and the wind and are really ready for some warmer weather, even if it creates the mud of our mud season. My recent medical episode has resulted in many follow-up appointments over the next month, meaning that Dianne and I will not be able to undertake a trip south to warmer climes this year. But, at our age, I guess we’d better take care of ourselves first.
This weekend we are going down to see Dianne’s granddaughter Maddie play volleyball with her team from Connecticut in a tournament in Fitchburg MA. She is really developing as a very good player and it will be fun to see her and her team play, not so far from here.
So, let’s dive into the joke bag. This first one is something whose origin is not known, but I think it is something that my father saw once and jotted it down. I found it on a scrap of paper when I was cleaning out some old boxes of stuff.
Early to bed and late to rise,
Is much healthier for your eyes,
Though this may be good for your health,
It may not bring you instant wealth,
But who cares? So, remain steadfast!
But who will feed your pets their breakfast?
Who’s In Charge Here???
All the organs of the body were meeting to decide who should be in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems. Without me, nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over. Without me, you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I’m responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him. In a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood became toxic.
They all finally decided that the rectum should be the boss.
Moral of the story: Even though the others do all the hard work, the butt hole is usually the one in charge.
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An Irishman’s First Drink With His Son
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink. |
. |
Off we went to our local Irish bar, which is only two blocks from the house. |
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn’t like it – so I drank it. |
Then I got him an Old Style, he didn’t like it either, so I drank it. |
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud. |
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey, |
I could hardly push the stroller back home.
(Jon – I don’t advise you to do this with Logan Parker!) |
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Cure for Stress
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner also prepare a nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging and most importantly, make love to your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I’m sure that your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die.” She replied.
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Congress At Its Best
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So, they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a timekeeper and a payroll officer position, then hired two people for the roles. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So, they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back on overall cost." So, they laid off the night watchman
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A Very Smart Dog
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please.”
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while, he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!”
"Genius, my butt - It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
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Little Alex at Church (for the first time)
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church, staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”
“Good morning, Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?”
The pastor replied, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible, and trembling with fear, asked, “Which service? The 8:00 or the 10:30?"
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Overnight Train Trip
On a long-distance train journey, a man and a woman accidentally ended up in the same sleeping cabin. Both were married, but they didn’t know each other. At first it was a bit awkward and uncomfortable, but since they were very tired, they soon fell asleep. The man slept on the upper berth and the woman on the lower berth. Around 1 a.m., the man woke up because it was cold. He slowly leaned down and woke the woman, saying, “Excuse me, ma’am, sorry to disturb you, but I’m feeling very cold. Could you please take out another blanket from the drawer?” The woman smiled and replied, “I have a better idea. Just for tonight, why don’t we behave like husband and wife?” The man was stunned! With sweets bursting in his mind, he happily said, “Wow! What a great idea! Sure!” The woman immediately said, “Then stop being lazy… go and get your own blanket yourself!” There was a moment of silence… and then the man let out a loud fart!
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It’s Time for a TGIF Golden Classic
The Smart Undertaker
Margaret was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she managed to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.
She said to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?”
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the man.
He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads."
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AND since I haven’t issued a TGIF in a long time, here is a bonus Oldie:
A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enraptured congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum.”
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.
"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I.”
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."
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When informed of my recent medical episode, one of my friends said that she was happy that I survived my “recent skirmish with mortality”. I agree and feel very fortunate to still be above ground.
I wish all of you good health.
Have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend! Until the next time,
TGI-Jeff
