TGIF - 25 May 2018

Greetings from you Friday guy who has missed several Fridays in this month of May. I’ve been busy – lay off! The last edition was on 5 May, on the eve of our Vermont Clean-Up Day. It was a big success as usual. Everyone pitches in to pick up the litter and trash along the roadside – except for the morons who throw it out of their cars. Even when we were working on that day to pick up the stuff along the roads, there were two types of vehicles that drove by: the ones that slowed way down and honked or waved to show support for what we were doing; and those who drove by really fast and seemed annoyed that we were there near them on the sides of the road. I can only imagine that those are the people who throw the stuff out of their vehicles.

Spring finally arrived and was very welcome after a long winter. But, as usual, Spring did not last long and we seem to be in summer now. We’ve had some rain this week; but we’ve had some great days (Wed. & Thursday) where the temperatures have been in the 70s! I’ve spent a lot of time this past week in planting annuals and tending to my yard and perennials.

Next week I am headed to Iowa to attend my 45^th college reunion from Grinnell College. I’m really looking forward to that. Two of my friends and classmates will be each receiving one of the Alumni Awards. Well deserved, I might add.

I’ll be staying with my “best man” in Dublin Ohio on the way out and back. Yes, I am driving out there. It’s about 1,400 miles I think.

Once I get back from the Iowa trip, I’ll be here for one week to wash clothes and repack my suitcase so that I can leave on 13 June for Italy to attend the wedding of my niece, Jillian, in Todi Italy on June 16^th. (I hope this answers your question, Charlie!)

After that, Evelyn and I will drive to southern France to spend about 9 days in the Aix-en-Provence area. Hope to see Peter and Jan Leno Harrold while there.

So, there will not likely be any TGIFs for the next several weeks.

Enjoy the summer.

I hope to visit the WFP HQs while in Rome – but I recently realized that the day we will be in Rome on our arrival is the Eid holiday and so the HQ will likely be closed. Maybe, I’ll visit on our return from France, on 26 or 27 June.

Let’s see what you have provided for some humor for this week.

When Does Life Begin?

A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Priest and a Rabbi debate when life begins.

The Catholic Priest: When egg and sperm become one.

The Protestant Priest: When the fertile egg is safe and sound in the womb.

The Rabbi: When the children are out of the house.

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

The Urine Sample

One time I got sick and landed in the hospital.

There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.  Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "and how are we doing this morning?"

Or.... "are we ready for a bath?"

Or... "are we hungry?"

I had had enough of this particular nurse.

One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.

Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.

So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said, My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again.  Maybe we can filter it better this time!"

The nurse fainted... I just smiled!

 DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE... you'll lose every time!

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

Important Signs with a good sense of humor

SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:

We will heel you.

We will save your sole.

We will even dye for you.

A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:

Blind man driving.

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels.

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,

You've come to the right place.

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed.

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout.

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts.

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and

will take appropriate action.

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push.

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.

However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait.

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank Heaven for little grills.

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak.

And the best one for last;

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

A Cow's Tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle..

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

How Old Are You?

Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. 

And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,
"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are." 
The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump 
up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, 
"You're 87 years old!" 
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent 
asked, "How in the world did you guess?" 
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...
"We were at your birthday party yesterday!

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

The Preacher

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation, .no one  wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, .... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Then, Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, ..."If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation  to guarantee the college education of all his children!”  More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her,
"Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies. "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, .... "Screw the Preacher!"

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic

The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really"
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

Okay. I know some of the above are oldies, but I also know that we like the old ones if they are good ones.

Just time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!

I may be back in time to do one on the 8^th of June. If not, it won’t be until early July.

So, enjoy the summer and we’ll see you again in mid-summer!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 04 May 2018

Greetings from your Friday guy at the end of another work week. I hope that all of you have done enough hard work this week to deserve the weekend that is approaching, when you can relax or work on home projects or whatever. I’m pleased to announce that after a long winter, spring has finally arrived here. Some rain has started to green the grass and, along with some sun, has started putting buds on plants and trees and bringing perennial plants out of the ground. The miracle of spring! Nice to witness!

Tomorrow in Vermont is our annual “green-up day” where volunteers go out into their local communities and pick up trash and clean up the environment where we live. It’s also Cinco de Mayo and the Trout River brewery will be having a special event there at 100 River Street. My biking friends want to go for a ride also that day. So, let’s see. Maybe we spend a few hours cleaning up; then a few hours biking; and then a few hours drinking good, locally-made beer at Trout River.

A week ago, Vermont lost a former governor, who died at about age 93. Phil Hoff was elected governor in 1962. He was the first Democratic governor elected in Vermont since 1854! It started an incredible change in a state that had been conservative and Republican and gradually became more progressive and more “blue”. One of the first states to legally permit civil unions (marriage of gays/lesbians) and other progressive actions. And now the state of Bernie Sanders. And a very “blue state”! It was the only state that George W. never visited. I have a personal memory of Phil Hoff. When I was in high school here in the late 1960s, I didn’t always know what my parents were involved in, but I did know who Phil Hoff was and what he looked like. One night I returned home from studying at the library and noticed a lot of cars parked in our driveway and on the street. I figured that my parents must be having a church meeting of some kind. When I got in the house, I poked my head into the living room and the first person I saw was Governor Phil Hoff. What was he doing in our house? My parents were hosting a local League of Women Voters meeting and he was present.

Let’s see what you all have contributed to help me produce an edition today.

Yiddish Humor… Some of us miss this old kind of (Yiddish) humor. Not a single swear word in their comic routines as shown below:

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"

The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."

Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!"

Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?

The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. "

Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. 

The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."   

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call." 

A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. 

She asks, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            * 

OLDER people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

A 71-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 71-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing' Then I asked my wife for help. 

She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing...'

The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?' 

The old man replied, 

"Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Sad to grow old

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

New Breed of Idiots Out There

A new “I am an idiot” sign has been prepared for this new breed of idiots to wear proudly to warn all others.

Idiot Number One

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

*            *            *
Number Two Idiot

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.  They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.  Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon   that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

*            *            *

Number Three Idiot

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag.";

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.  After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.

She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

*            *            *
Number Four Idiot

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.

He later received in the mail a ticket for $140.00 and a photo of his car.  Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $140.00.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $140.00.

Wise guy ... But you still get a sign.

*            *            *
Number Five Idiot

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.  After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21.";

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.  At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.  The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

*            *            *
Idiot Number Six

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, " Nobody move!"

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

*            *            *

Idiot Number Seven

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.

He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.  So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.

It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign.

*            *            *
Idiot Number Eight

I live in a semi-rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

Take the sign - Please!

*            *            *
Stay Alert Out There!  They walk among us ... they Reproduce ...  they vote ...  and a lot of them hold public office!

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Instead of the weekly TGIF Golden Classic, I offer you the following this week:

IT'S WHAT YOU SCATTER

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes... I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes.

Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

'Hello Barry, how are you today?'

'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good' 

'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?'?'Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.'?'Good. Anything I can help you with?'
'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas.'
'Would you like to take some home?' asked Mr. Miller. 

'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.'

'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?'

'All I got is my prize marble here.'

'Is that right? Let me see it', said Miller.

'Here 'tis. She's a dandy.' 

'I can see that. Hmm mmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?' the store owner asked.

'Not zackley but almost.'

'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble'. Mr. Miller told the boy.

'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.'

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me.

With a smile she said, 'There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.

When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.' 

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado , but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles. 

Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had an occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. 

Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one; each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes. 

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about.

They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size....they came to pay their debt.'

'We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,' she confided, 'but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho ...' 

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

The Moral:

We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~ A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself...

An unexpected phone call from an old friend.... Green stoplights on your way to work....

The fastest line at the grocery store....

A good sing-along song on the radio..

Your keys found right where you left them.

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU GATHER, BUT WHAT YOU SCATTER THAT TELLS WHAT KIND OF LIFE YOU HAVE LIVED!

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Time to wish you all a fantastice Friday and a wonderful weekend! Enjoy!

TGI-Jeff