Greetings from your Friday guy on his special day. It doesn’t happen to coincide with a Friday TGIF all that often. What? Yeah, it’s my favorite day of the week – even in retirement! So there! We’ve had great weather here the last few weeks. The fall foliage season continues and the temperature today got up to the mid-70s which is pretty darn warm for this time of year in VT.
I’ve been raking and disposing leaves and burning up lots of dry wood that has fallen from trees on our back hill. My neighbors must think I’m crazy as I do it so often. Pam just thinks I’m a little boy who likes to play with fire. My oldest son thinks I’ve become a Vermont hillbilly. I don’t care. I’m having fun and cleaning up the back hill. When I snowshoe this winter, I wont be tripping over dead branches.
Okay, let’s see what you’ve sent me. It may be a short issue if I don’t have much new stuff. But you all know whose fault that is!
SOME HOLY HUMOR
DO YOU GO TO CHURCH?
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend on the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend on the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
CHURCH FOR THIS DRUNK
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
A VERY FAITHFUL WOMAN
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbour jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said,"PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. PRAISE THE LORD!"
* * * * *
THE PASTOR’S CAT
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.
The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.
The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.
This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'
She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'
Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.
* * * * *
THE URINE SAMPLE
One time I got sick and landed in hospital.
There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
“And how are we doing this morning?”
“Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry?”
I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.
Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,
“My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying,
“Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”
The nurse fainted... I just smiled.
DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!
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Sports Quotations
TGIF Editor: When I saw this title, I thought of all those dumb quotes I had seen before. But no, this one is new to me and hope it is new to you – except for my friend who sent it!
I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.
- Doug Sanders, professional golfer
* * *
All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives “See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer."
Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher
* * *
Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.
- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach
* * *
When it’s third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.
- Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver
* * *
I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having trouble.
- Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager
* * *
My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.
- E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations
* * *
My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good.
- Vic Braden, tennis instructor
* * *
Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.
- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver
* * *
When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did – but it was Mrs. Koufax’s.
- Tommy John, N.Y. Yankees pitcher recalling his 1974 arm surgery
* * *
I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.
- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles
* * *
We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.
- John Breen, Houston Oilers
* * *
The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.
- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints after viewing a lop-sided loss to the Atlanta Falcons
* * *
When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.
- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher
* * *
The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.
- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach
* * *
I have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.
- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner
* * *
Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.
- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.
* * *
I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.
- Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach
* * *
I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.
- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game
* * *
I tell him “Attaway to hit, George.”
- Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting
* * *
I learned a long time ago that “minor surgery” is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.
- Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers
* * *
Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.
- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.
* * *
"Life's tough..........
It's even tougher if you're stupid....."
--John Wayne
"The U.S. Constitution does not guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it..........
You have to catch up with it yourself....."
--Benjamin Franklin
* * * * *
DEFINITIONS
Chickens - The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead
Committee -
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours
Dust -
Mud with the juice squeezed out
Mud with the juice squeezed out
Egotist -
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation
Gossi -
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage
Handkerchief -
Cold Storage
Cold Storage
Inflation -
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper
Mosquito -
An insect that makes you like flies better
An insect that makes you like flies better
Raisin -
Grape with a sunburn
Grape with a sunburn
Secret -
Something you tell to one person at a time
Something you tell to one person at a time
Toothache -
The pain that drives you to extraction
The pain that drives you to extraction
Yawn -
An honest opinion openly expressed
An honest opinion openly expressed
Wrinkles -
Something other people have, you have character lines!
Something other people have, you have character lines!
* * * * *
TAXI DRIVERS
A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.
The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.
* * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic!
This is an old one, but a good one.
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK
- "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS .
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT Mr Gorsky TO ARMSTRONG.
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.
HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY":
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,
"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
It broke the place up.
NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
* * * * *
Our Boston Red Sox and the Detroit Tigers are tied at 2 games apiece out of a best 3 out of 4 playoff for the American League title, as I draft this. It’s time to watch the game 5.
Have a fantastic Friday and wonderful weekend!
Cheers.
TGI-Jeff
