TGIF - 26 February 2016


Greetings from the Green Mountain State. Home of Bernie Sanders. Well, the home of the adopted Brooklynite. After all, he was elected the mayor of Burlington in the early 80s (our largest city) and then served as the only VT representative in the House. Then he was elected to the Senate as an Independent. We have all been feeling the Bern lately, over the last several weeks as he is giving Hillary a good run. A close finish in Iowa and then a big win for him in New Hampshire. But now it’ll get more difficult as the primaries move south and west. 
Meanwhile, this is turning out to be the year without winter. We’ve had more rain than snow in January and February and yesterday we had thunderstorms along with 24 hours of rain.
In fact, the sugar maples are already being tapped (cold nightsnd warm days) and it’s probably the earliest that this has happened in many a year.
What other trends do we observe?
Vermonters are walking and biking more and driving less.
Here’s some news out of our state capital of Montpelier.
The Vermont Transportation Board recently released its Annual Report, which documents the comments the Board received during a recent series of public forums that focused on the difficulties of navigating Vermont without a car and the transportation trends of middle-aged and older adults.
The report documents that older Vermont adults, much like their younger counterparts, want to drive their cars less and walk, bike and use public transportation more often.
“Driving is on the decline nationwide, but what we found is that Vermonters are not just part of this trend, they are actually leading the charge,” said Transportation Board Chairman Nick Marro. “In just about every measurable category, Vermonters outpace the nation when it comes to walking, biking and curtailing the amount of time they spend behind the wheel. They also thirst for greater public transportation options.”
From the end of World War II until 2004, the number of miles the average American drove an automobile annually increased. But beginning in 2005, Americans reversed this trend. Between 2007 and 2013, vehicle miles traveled (VMT) per capita nationwide dropped 6 percent, while per-capita VMT here in Vermont dropped 8.4 percent.
Across the nation, more Americans also walk and bike to work than they used to, with Vermonters also leading this charge. Nationally, workers commuting by bicycle increased 39 percent from 2005 to 2011, while bike commuting increased from 0.61 percent of total population in 2011 to 0.63 percent, an additional 3.2 percent increase. In Vermont, despite the state’s harsh climate nearly 1 percent of the population biked to work as its primary mode of transportation between 2011 and 2013.
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There is much more to that article, but I think you get the point.
What’s the point? Of course it is that I am a proud Vermonter. We do cool things here!
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But there is another issue to discuss and debate:
What to call “older persons”?
As the mid-point birth year of “baby boomers” has now reached 65 and the overall number and percentage of older persons is increasing, it seems that a problem is evolving as to what they/us wish to be called or labeled. How is society supposed to refer to this expanding group of “older adults”?  It seems that many baby boomers do not wish to be called “senior citizens”! Well then, what about just “elders”?  (As in “Respect Your Elders!”) Or maybe we could allow us to be labeled as persons in their silver years. Others have suggested “seniors” and another one I’ve heard is “super adult”.  In the end, it probably doesn’t really matter; as we will most likely be treated as all other generations before us: that is more or less ignored or discounted and under-valued, unless the grandkids need a baby-sitter.
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This week the news is all about the Apple refusal to allow the CIA/FBI to access the phone of one of the terrorists in San Bernido. It’s complicated but I’d be weary of governments trying to oblige companies to compromise the confidentiality of its clients.
One of the other big stories is the appointment of a Supreme Court member to replace the late Antonin Scalia, who died last week. What a mess! And I thought our country was the beacon of democracy and rule of law! ???
The other issue that the newly elected Barack Obama promised to resolve when he was first elected in 2008 was the closing of Guantanamo prison. There was some late-breaking news on this front this week:
FEBRUARY 23, 2016
Obama Signs Executive Order Relocating Congress to Guantánamo
BY 
ANDY BOROWITZ

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Making good on one of his key campaign promises, President Obama signed an executive order on Tuesday relocating the United States Congress to Guantánamo Bay, Cuba.

The President seemed to relish signing the order, calling the relocation a “win-win for America,” and indicating that Congress could be moved to its new headquarters “immediately.”
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I heard that this following story is a true one!

The late great singer/songwriter Utah Phillips was touring California and one day visited an old mining town.  Although most of the town was now deserted, there was a very nice, well-maintained wooden catholic church.  He stopped inside for a look, and the priest was there so he had a chat.  The priest explained, "Yes, we love our church, and we're very proud of it.  We're also a progressive church."  "Really", said Utah, not easily associating 'catholic' and 'progressive'.  "Oh yes", the priest continued.  "For instance, we now serve 'lite' communion wafers, instead of the old fatty ones.  The brand is "I Can't Believe it's not Jesus"".  
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Thoughts

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is…"I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

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Things are tough all over . . .THE GLOBAL RECESSION has hit everybody really hard:

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. 

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries. 

CEO's are now playing miniature golf. 

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. 

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife. 

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. 

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ounce burger. 

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America . 

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. 

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her! 

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. 

A picture is now only worth 200 words. 

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. 

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. 
And, finally...  I was so depressed last night thinking about te economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline.  I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a pickup truck.       
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An interesting Einstein Theory

Einstein was born March 14, 1879.

He would be 137 if he were alive today.  

Few people remember that he married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal,
after his first marriage failed in 1919.

At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa
"because she was so well endowed".

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as.... 
Eintein’s Theory of Relative-Titty! 
Oh, stop moaning! I don't write this shit, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.
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Okay, it’s time for the weekly TGIF Golden Classic!
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.  

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ’Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. 

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. 

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year-old blondie stepped out.
 The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother’

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I probably first used that one in a TGIF message in the 1990s. So, it is truly a golden oldie!
Enjoy the Leap Year with the 29th of February this next week. And now it’s time for me to wish you all a Fantastic Friday and a Wonderful Weekend!


TGI-Jeff
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TGIF - 05 February 2016



Greetings to the TGIF faithful on the first Friday of Febraury. It’s hard to believe it is Febraury here. We had an unusually warm December and with no snow. We had a “brown Christmas” and the first of only a few snowfalls came at the end of December. Then we had a few weeks of “seasonal temperatures” and then a kind of prolonged “January thaw” during the last few weeks. I went skiing on February 1st, where the conditions were more like those of April 1st. No joke! Then on Wednesday of this week we had 8 hours of heavy rain. Thursday was sunny and 45 degrees and seemed like an early Spring day as the little snow or ice that is left on my property continues to melt. I feel bad for the ski areas and the Vermont economy that are suffering as a result of fewer skiers and visitors.

After what seemed like almost a year of potential presidential candidates “throwing their respective hats in the ring”, the official U.S. presidential primary voting season began this past week in Iowa. Of the more than a dozen Republican Party candidates, the “newbie” Donald Trump and the evangelical-conservative Ted Cruz were neck and neck in the pre-caucus polls, while the more mainstream candidates were lagging way behind. On the Democratic Party side, our Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders had closed the huge gap in the poll numbers with Hillary Clinton, who most pundits six months ago thought would have a “cake walk” through the primaries and to the Democratic National Convention in the summer.

Iowa results: For the Republicans, Ted Cruz had a significant victory over Trump, with Marco Rubio a very close third place, way ahead of the other candidates. On the Democratic side, it was too close to call between Hillary and Bernie. At about midnight, it showed 50% for Hillary and 50% for Bernie and 1% for Martin O’Malley. (It was good to see the Iowa democrats got out 101% of the vote.) In fact, it seems more people “caucused” this time in Iowa than ever before.

Based upon poor results a number of candidates have dropped out of the race(s), while the others have quickly moved on to New Hampshire, just next door. I’m getting a little tired of all the media talking heads speculating on what’s ahead and on all the candidates “spin” games. But I did hear someone say that it was the first time that he had heard 4 victory speeches as a result of the Iowa caucuses. True and funny!

A glance into the joke bag sees that some of you favor harking back to the good ole days of the 1950s in the USA.

The following one may only be really appreciated by my American friends who were alive and remember the 1950s in the USA!

DINNER IN THE FIFTIES

This is so, so true!

Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti.
Curry was a surname.
A take-away was a mathematical problem.
Pizza? Sounds like a leaning tower somewhere.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
All chips were plain.
Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.
Tea was made in a teapot using tealeaves and never green.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Chickens didn't have fingers in those days.
None of us had ever heard of yogurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognized food.
'Kebab' was not even a word, never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly muesli was readily available. It was called cattle feed.
Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it they would have become a laughing stock.

The one thing that we never ever had on/at our table in the fifties...was elbows, hats and cell phones!

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Here is another one that goes back to possibly the 1950s as well.

Everybody over 60 was home schooled!

Most of our generation was HOME SCHOOLED  in so many ways.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC. 
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about   BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.  
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 
"You are going to get it from your father when he gets home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. 
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR. 
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.  
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 
"Shut that door behind you, do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE. 
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

I know that the generations that have come after ours find it hard to believe that the above quotations were the "EXACT" words used by our parents. But true!

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Now, after going back to the world in the 1950s, let’s jump forward to the end of 2015.

Civilization at the end of 2015 - this is priceless!!!




Our Phones - Wireless

Cooking - Fireless

Cars - Keyless

Food - Fatless

Tires -Tubeless

Youth - Jobless

Leaders - Shameless

Relationships - Meaningless

Attitudes - Careless

Babies - Fatherless

Feelings - Heartless

Children - Mannerless.




We are SPEECHLESS,

Government is CLUELESS,

And our Politicians are WORTHLESS!




I'm scared - shitless!

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Some Dating Advice

A young man called his mother and told her that he had just met the woman of his dreams, but wasn't sure what he should do next. His mother said, “Why don't you send her flowers and a card inviting her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?” The young man thought this was a great strategy.

The day after the big date, his mother called to see how things had gone. “The evening was a disaster,” the young man moaned.
“Why, didn't she come over?” asked his mother.
“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook!”

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Here is a list of the most outrageous excuses heard from employees arriving late for work:

1.     I thought of quitting today, but then decided not to, so I came in late.
2.     My hair caught on fire from my blow dryer.
3.     I was detained by Homeland Security.
4.     I had to chase my cows back into the field.
5.     A black bear entered my carport and decided to take a nap on the hood of my car.
6.     My lizard had to have emergency surgery in the morning and died during surgery.
7.     I had to mourn while deciding whether to have the lizard disposed of by the vet or bring the lizard corpse with me to work.
8.     There was fresh powder on the hill. I had to go skiing.
9.     There was a store grand opening and I wanted to get the opening day sales.
10.  I had to finish watching “My Name Is Earl.”
11.  All of my clothes were stolen.
12.  I was confused by the time change and unsure if it was “spring forward” or “fall back.”
13.  A Vaseline truck overturned on the highway and cars were slipping left and right.
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TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC

I have a couple of oldies to share with you this week. 

CORPORATE SHAKE-UP

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and
thinking things through, you will love this!


Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business.  He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a
week.  Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here."  He walked back to his office, came back
in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four
weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." 

Feeling pretty good about
himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominoes”.

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The Gay Cowboy...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.


He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For several weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.


One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.


She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

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That is an old one, I know. The first time I heard a version of that one was back in the early 1970s when Joe Namath told a version of it.

Well, that’s it for this week. It’s that time where I wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend. And enjoy the Super Bowl party on Sunday! It’s the 50th Super Bowl game and I can remember watching the first one as if it were only a few years ago! Time flies!

Until next Friday, take care and don’t forget about your TGIF editor if you see or receive a good joke you haven’t seen here!


TGI-Jeff
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