Greetings on this last day of the work week. It’s Friday! Thank God! I’ve been busy with a lot of friends and family gatherings over the last few weeks that I haven’t had time to sit down and draft one of these messages. Nevertheless, the 4 or 5 regular contributors do continue to provide enough material (new or old) that allows me to pick and choose what I want.
As I mentioned in my last issue on 20 October, we hosted 3 other couples during that weekend of 20-22 October, where one of the couples graduated from Springfield HS with Dianne and me just 54 years ago. Neal, Carol and Gayle brought their spouses to join us for a wonderful weekend of lots of stories and laughing and eating. The rainy weather broke for a few hours which allowed us to go for a 2-mile walk, which was much needed after all the food that we were consuming. Everyone pitched in on that front and Gayle and Jim took us out for a nice dinner on the Saturday night. Gayle was our AFS exchange student in ‘68/’69 (from Melbourne, Australia) and lived with Carol’s family and Dianne and Carol were already good friends back then, so the 3 of them were always close. Gayle has usually come back to attend our HS reunions every 5 years. In fact, at our 50th reunion 4 years ago, Carol and Gayle schemed to get Dianne and me together. I’m grateful that they did! It worked!
Then, a week later, Jonathan and Melissa brought little 10-month-old Logan up here to Springfield for a long 4-day weekend. I guess Jon has been doing a good job, as it was his boss who suggested that he take some days off and relax a bit. Logan seemed to enjoy the out-of-doors here in Vermont, watching squirrels run around my yard; as well as being intrigued by the chickens and pheasants at our local orchard. During this trip it also seems that he now knows who his “grandpa” is. When Jon or Melissa would ask him, “where is grandpa?” – he would look at me. We are all looking forward to his first birthday party in NYC at the end of December!
Dianne and I continue to work on various projects around the house here, getting rid of stuff and/or giving stuff away. I have also been busy out back at my fire pit, burning up a lot of wood that resulted from downed trees and big branches that have fallen on my hill during the last year. We had such a wet summer that it was not possible to burn it up then. So, lately, I have been spending a lot of time in my late afternoons at my fire pit, my meditation spot, staring into the fire. On Thursday, we got about an inch of snow and so I think that activity is over for another 6 months or so. Gold season also ended last weekend. I played a week ago when it was just barely above freezing! Brrrrr!
Let’s see what I have to share with you today.
Hunting
It is now hunting season and lots of people are out looking to bag a deer.
A hunter takes his daughter deer hunting for the first time. As they get to the deer stand, the hunter tells his daughter to get in the stand and sit very still, and if a deer comes out, shoot it. The hunter leaves his daughter in the stand and starts walking to his own stand. After walking for about five minutes he hears the loud bang of a rifle echoing through the woods from the direction of his daughter’s stand. He thinks, wow! My daughter must have already shot a deer! So he turns back and heads to her stand. But when he gets there, he sees his daughter arguing with a game warden.
He hears his daughter yelling at the game warden, “get away from my deer!”
The game warden yells back, “look, girl, I already told you, this is not a deer. I should have you arrested for such negligence with a firearm!”
The hunter’s daughter is so pissed at this point that she loads a round into her deer rifle, points it right at the game warden’s face, and says, “this is a deer. I shot it. It’s my deer. Now step away or I will blow your head off.”
The game warden slowly puts his hands up as he’s staring down the barrel of her loaded deer rifle. He then nervously says, “okay Ma’am. I was wrong. I see now that it is a deer. But before you take it away, can I get my saddle off of it?”
* * *
This one reminds me of a true story. One of our teachers in high school apparently shot a horse by mistake one deer season. He was also the track and field coach. Once, on the team bus, seeing a horse out in the field we were going by, a trickster yelled, “Look at that deer!”! The coach was very upset but, luckily for the guy, didn’t know who said that.
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Some Random Funny Stuff
Choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, "I'll bet a doughnut wouldn't have done this to me."
Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eyewitness. (Mark Twain)
It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I'm a nice person.
It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you're supposed to pick out one of your own. I know that now.
It's fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken and it's all, "Sir, you need to leave!"
One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older adult, is how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box.
I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's seven years in a row, now.
If you dropped something when you were younger, you just picked it up. When you're older and you drop something, you stare at it for just a bit contemplating if you actually need it anymore.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them lying on the kitchen counter, and then guess what's on the list when I am at the store.
Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side effects is bad for you.
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date. So, tonight after dinner I'm dropping her off at her parent's house.
The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.
I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.
As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I am sure of is that it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Driver: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer, "Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches. He said, "I'll see," & walked away. I asked another & he also said, "I'll see," & walked away. In the end, I gave up & found them myself, in Aisle C.
I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two (2) places. He told me to stop going to those places.
I put our scale in the bathroom corner & that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
When I was a kid, I used to watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ & wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got Facebook.
Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror & think, "That can't be accurate!"
I want to be 14 again & ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Apparently RSVP'ing to a wedding invitation with "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.
A guy walks into a lumberyard & asks for some 2x4s. The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?" The guy answers, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Who knew that the hardest thing about being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die?
I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings.
Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
So, my neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 a.m. 3AM!!! Luckily, I was already up playing the bagpipes.
Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of "The Hoarders," and think, "Wow! My house looks great.”
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Getting Older
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers..
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the 'John' and renamed it the 'Jim'. I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning".
Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child, I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don't have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights" I'm just very wise.
Don't ever ask me to bend down and touch my toes. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators We haven't met yet.
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes when I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager)
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
- I don’t have to go to school or work.
- I have a driver’s license and my own car.
- I get an allowance every month.
- I have my own ipad (although I can't recall where I kept it)
- I don’t have a curfew.
Life is great.
Have a good chuckle. Laughter is good Medicine...
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An Atheist and a Cowboy
An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane, and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”
* * * * * * * *
Good questions, and Food for thought
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read things all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree
and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
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It’s time for this week’s TGIF Golden Classic
A Curious Blonde
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls. He sat down next to, of all people, a beautiful blonde.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
* * * * * * * *
I’ve had tennis elbow and it hurts a lot worse than “golf balls”!
Oh well. Nothing hurts worse than my bad knee now. It may be time to get it taken care of.
Next week we get to celebrate Dianne’s birthday. (I think she turns 39!) Happy Birthday, dear Dianne!
Until the next time, take care and be kind.
TGI-Jeff
