Greetings from the Friday guy. Thank God I’ve got some material to use and share with you and this end of the work week! This week has been dominated by the Republican Convention in Cleveland. There has been lots of controversy for the media to feed off of during these last days. Next week will be the Democratic Convention in Philadelphia.
We’ve had nice seasonal summer weather here lately. So, I’ve been out on my bike and out walking the links and out working in my yard. Hope it continues!
Without further ado, let’s get to the funny stuff.
If you didn’t know
1. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
2. My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
3. My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
4. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
5. Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
6. The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
7. On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
8. I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
9. I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
10. Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
11. The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and of course, Opie, were all single. The only married person was Otis and he stayed drunk.
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For you fellow golfers – some good news on a recent rule change!
There will no longer be a penalty stoke for hitting a ball into the water or out of bounds. The USGA, the R&A and the PGA, after a private meeting with FBI Director Comey, have recommended that your opponent must prove that you intended to hit the ball into these hazards in order for there to be a penalty. Carelessness or ignorance is not intent.
No intent-no penalty stroke!
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Some Funny Famous Person Quotes
Sometimes when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was: SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.
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A Janitor's Job
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $7.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year, he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighbourhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances.
Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $7.35 an hour.”
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Circus Couple to Adopt
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet," the circus couple explained.
The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long the kid fits in the cannon."
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I received the following contribution with a note from the sender: “I dare you …”
Who Needs a Harley?
One day the chicken and horse were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, the chicken searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping there was still time to save the horse's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's motorcycle, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and as the chicken began to sink, the horse heard the cry, 'Save me!'
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift the chicken out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled up and out, saving the chicken's life.
Is there a moral to this story?
(Yep. You betcha. There is a moral!)
The Moral: “When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.”
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Monty Kelly, a rich man who lived near Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia decided that he wanted to throw a party. So he invited his buddies, including Darel, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. The party was held around the pool in the backyard of Monty's mansion. Everyone was having a good time dancing, eating prawns, oysters and drinking and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 16-foot man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.' The words were barely out of Monty's mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Darel in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Darel and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Darel strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. Darel then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Then Monty says, 'Well, Darel, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Darel. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about a new car?'
'Nothanks. I don't want it,' answered Darel. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Rolex watch and some stock options? Again, Darel said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Darel, then what do you want? Darel said, 'I just want the b****** who pushed me in.'
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Hope you’ve enjoyed some of the above material. Thanks to those who have contributed it!
Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
Until next time, be good!
TGI-Jeff
