Greetings from your Friday guy. I take this opportunity to wish you all a very Happy New Year 2024!
Climate change seems to be making our temperatures go up and down. We’ve had rain and warm temps and snow and frigid temps in a matter of days. But overall, it seems the annual temperatures in Vermont have gone up since 1970 about 6 our 7 degrees. We’ll be growing peaches here in a few years.
I went down to NYC to hep celebrate grandson Logan’s first birthday at the end of December. It was great. And a few weeks ago, he walked for the first time on his own.
My daughter Joya celebrated her 40th birthday with a trip from Cape Town to Paris this month and now is back in South Africa and hosting her best friend Jackie, who came for a short visit from Dubai.
Joya and Chris, Jonathan and Melissa (and Logan) and I hope to visit Kailey and Phil in San Diego in April.
We also have to figure out where Dianne and I will witness the Solar Eclipse in April in Vermont.
We’re also wondering if we are going to make a trip south this spring.
In the meantime, here are my jokes for today:
A Joke From Minnesota
Ole, Sven and Nels came into the bar in Nordern Minnesota. They were high-fiving each other, shouting and generally having a celebration. |
“Line ‘em up,” Ole shouted as the party continued. |
They drank and carried on for hours. Finally, the bartender’s curiosity got the better of him. “Just what are you celebrating?” he asked. |
“51 days! We did it in 51 days!” they responded. |
“What did you do in 51 days?” he probed. |
“We put da puzzle together,” they hooted, “51 days, and the box said 3-5 years!” |
* * * * * * * *
The Nude Beach
Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad. The three men broke into a conversation. Eventually, they started talking about their jobs, and why they were at the beach.
"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All day long I toil in the hot, hot sun, and do so wearing very heavy clothes. It's quite exhausting. But here, I can relax, and do so without any clothing at all."
"I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."
The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What about you?" they asked. "Why are you here?"
"My doctor sent me here," said the third man. "I'm a pickpocket."
* * * * * * * *
A Little Misunderstanding
Mr. Jones comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news… I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs. Jones receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy because the electricity bill has not been paid.
" Am I speaking to Mrs. Jones? "
"Yes… speaking"
Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files… HOW ???"
" Yes ….. We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
" GOD !!!… This is too much…"
"Madam, I am sorry… I am just following orders… I have to inform that you are overdue.."
"I know that … let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow."
That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts…
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"Well… I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle !!!”
* * * * * * * *
Observations About Life
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn.. that was fun!
* * * * * * * *
Random Stuff
*If someone comes to me asking for advice I usually assume they're out of all other rational options.
*I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.
*A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.
*I finally did it! I bought a pair of shoes with memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.
* It seems to me very irresponsible to start new year the day after a year as bad as 2023 was ends. Borderline recklessness.
* I'm considering being fully delusional this year to see where it takes me because being sensible hasn't gleaned the results I was looking for.
* Am I the only one who noticed not once in the Fast and Furious movies did they stop for any gas?
* Gentlemen, "don’t stop" is never the appropriate response to the waiter at The Olive Garden when they ask you how much cheese you want.
* Do Not mess with Librarians....the inner strength required to meticulously care for history's greatest works of literature and then just let total strangers borrow them willy nilly is Jedi level stuff.
* One disorienting thing about getting older that no one tells you about is how weird it feels to get a passionate, extremely wrong lecture from a much younger person about verifiable historical events you can personally remember very well.
* Any dog can be a guide dog if you don't care where you're going.
* I wonder if the Virgin Mary was like, you can just call me Mary, there is no need.
* Ever take your glasses off at night and think damn, natural selection would have taken my ass a long time ago if it weren't for the development of optometry!
* My dentist gave me Amoxicillin my last visit and said you can't drink while taking it, so I'm doing the mature thing and heeding his warning and not taking the medicine.
* The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing!
*Butterfly wings are transparent. The colors you see as a butterfly flits across the yard are actually the reflection of various colors through their scales.
* * * * * * * *
That’s Not It!!!
A general noticed one of his soldiers was behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, with calls of "that's not it" sounding outside until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
* * * * * * * *
Fascinate
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Caroline raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see New York City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher sighed and said, “Well, that was good Caroline, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand. Now the teacher knew he was a bit of a scamp, but she was desperate to finish this lessons, so she finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate.” She sighed. "Go head, Johnny."
Little Johnny smiles, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
* * * * * * * *
It’s time for our TGIF Golden Classic
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
* * * * * * * * *
Well, as my Mom used to say, “You can’t please everyone!”
I’m sorry for the many of you who do not receive my “weakly” message every week. It is not my full-time job and it doesn’t pay very much! But you can help if you send into me some joke contributions. That way, you pay up your dues and I feel more obligated to issue one of these on the last day of the work week. Thank God!
Have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
Happy birthdays to my sister-in-laws Karen and Martha!
Until next ……….
TGI-Jeff
