TGIF - 22 November 2013

Greetings from your TGIF guy on this, the 50^th anniversary of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. I was a 13 year-old 7^th grader in Ohio and was sitting in study hall in school when the loudspeaker from the principal’s office, used for special “all-school announcements, all of a sudden came alive with the sound of a “staticky” radio broadcast. We quickly heard that it was from Dallas and that JFK had been shot and was being rushed to the hospital. We all were shocked and some were praying and crying and, of course, the news only became worse when it was confirmed that he had died. The world seemed to stop for the next four days as we all sat glued to the TV coverage of everything. I remember seeing Lee Harvey Oswald being shot on live TV on the Saturday morning as he was being transferred from one lock-up to another.  Then there was the funeral in DC on Sunday. The many conspiracy theories remain today, 50 years later and they will probably continue to exist as a lot of key evidence was destroyed, for one reason or another.

Saying all this, it will be nice when this week is over as the media coverage has been overwhelming. Meanwhile, here in Vermont this week it has gotten winter cold. The nighttime temperatures fall below freezing and don’t rise much above it during the days. We had a dusting of snow the other night and the ponds are in the process of freezing. It is deer hunting season as well. Each night I seen two or three deer pass over our lawn on their way back up the hill from probably watering downhill in the stream. I see them because I have a motion light in our back yard and when it goes on, I realize there are some critters out there roaming around. Sometimes it is a skunk; sometimes it is a few raccoons; and sometimes it’s a fox. I once saw a moose walk by on an early spring morning.

Before I jump into this week’s material, I just checked the fan mail inbox and found the following:

“Many thanks for the continuing and entertaining TGIF emails.  I must take exception, however, to one of the 'truisms' in your last communique.  It is NOT true that the toothbrush was invented in 1498.  In fact, it was invented in the hills of West Virginia in the late 1800s.  Otherwise, it would have been called the TEETHBRUSH!”

TGIF Editor’s Note: I thank you for that correction and wish to remind all of you that you are welcome to submit your complaints and corrections, or complimentary messages. TGIF is an equal opportunity employer!

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AN IRISHMAN ON A DIET

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.                                                          

“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...

And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

“That's amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The Irishman nodded....

“I'll tell you though, by all the saints, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.”

“You mean from the hunger?” asked the doctor.

“No, from all that skipping!”

*            *            *            *            *

SOME APPROPRIATE DEFINITIONS

University : A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

(TGIF Editor’s note: This one reminds me of a true story that happened probably 30 years ago in WFP headquarters. A WFP colleague, and friend of mine, was late for work and snuck quickly into the building and got to the elevator without anyone really noticing. He thought he was home safe as he got into the elevator and pushed the button for the 5^th floor. Just then, the WFP Executive Director and his security walked into the elevator. The security guy pushed the button for the 8^th floor and my colleague looked sheepishly at the wall of the elevator opposite him. After a  few moments of awkward silence, the E.D. looks my friend in the eye and says, “I won’t tell anyone if you don’t!”)

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by the bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise.

*            *            *            *            *

THE JEWISH GRANDMOTHER

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet dwhen all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there... he was swept away. 

The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "How could you do this? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to  charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my 

very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"

A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"

A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on  the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is  smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Now are  you satisfied?"

She responds ...”He had a hat." 

*            *            *            *            *

DRAFTING GUYS OVER 60

---New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!---

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military-----They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. 

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. 

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? 

*            *            *            *            *

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTOR’S OFFICES

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.  Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?  The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.  The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!

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THE DEAD HORSE THEORY

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that:  "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount." 

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

  1. Buying a stronger whip.

  2. Changing riders.

  3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

  4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

  5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

  6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

  7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

  8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

  9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

  10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

  11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

  12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And, of course...

  13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

  And so it is that horse's asses came to outnumber horses.

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IT’S TIME FOR THE TGIF GOLDEN CLASSICS!

While a few of the above ones were used before, the following two are truly good golden oldies of the TGIF:

THE PASTOR

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. 

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. 

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." 

The entire congregation held its breath. 

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

(TGIF Editor’s Note: I wonder if this story reminds my sis-in-law Martha of anything?)

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THE PRIEST’S RETIREMENT FUNCTION

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession..'

Moral : Never, never, never be late.

*            *            *            *            *

I hope it’s not too late to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!

Until next week, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do – or at least don’t get caught!

Cheers.

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 15 November 2013

Greetings at the end of another week. Time flies when you’re having fun! I am drafting this on Thursday night, as usual, and today was the Muslim holiday of Ashura. So, for those who celebrated this, I wish you well and hope you had a nice day with family and friends. And this past week also had the day, 11-12-13, although only we here in the USA use month first in the numerical dating. The next one like that will be next December when we will have 12-13-14. Are those auspicious dates? Maybe so.

We had a cold spell here this week. Sunny, but windy and cold, with temps in the 20s (F). Now, if that was in the 20s Celsius – that would be perfect! It’s going to warm up to “seasonal” temps in the next days and we may get some rain at the end of the weekend.  Some of the larger local ski areas that have snow making equipment have already opened part of their total area. So, I may have to get out on the slopes, even though it seems early for me. And, am I in shape for skiing? I learned last year that the only thing that gets you in shape for skiing is skiing. The legs and muscles therein ache like heck the next day – but after 3 or 4 days of skiing, they’re good to go!

What a tragedy in the Philippines and especially in Samar, Leyte and Cebu provinces. I visited those areas back in the late 80s when I lived and worked there, based in Manila. Reminds me a bit of the tsunami we experienced while in Sri Lanka at the end of 2004. Hope the relief operations can get moving a bit faster than media reports have implied.

Looking for some good news, let’s go to India, where the MasterBlaster Sachin Tendulkar is currently playing in his last test cricket match. In a country and region where cricket is the national religion, Sachin is almost God. I was fortunate to have seen him play in Colombo, with Pam, when we were there. Although he is 40 and nearing the end of a more than 20-year professional career, he is still expected to hammer out a century in his last test match. Incredible! He’s a great sportsman and I hope he does it and then retires happily.

Meanwhile, and back to the real world here in the USA, all the political talk has been about the Affordable Care Act (known commonly as Obamacare) and how people are having great difficulties trying to sign up on line to one of the health insurance plans. I hope the administration gets it sorted out soon. In the meantime, it seems the Republicans are pushing through congress another similar act.

Affordable Boat Act

The government has just passed a new law called: "The affordable boat act" declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new boat, by April 2014. These "affordable" boats will cost an average of $24,000-$124,000 each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, insurance, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance or repair costs. 

This law has been passed, because until now, typically only financially responsible and working people have been able to purchase boats. This new laws ensures that every American can now have an "affordable" boat of their own, because everyone is "entitled" to a boat.  

In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable boat, the costs of owning a boat will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, working taxpayers will pay more for something that other people don't want or can't afford to maintain.  But to be fair, people who can’t afford to maintain their boat will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can use their parents’ boats to party on until they turn 27; then must purchase their own boat. 

If you already have a boat, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you can't). If you don't want or don't need a boat, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one, you will be fined until you purchase one or face imprisonment.  For those that cannot afford one, they will get a free boat with a monthly check for all ownership costs listed above at taxpayer expense.

Failure to use the boat will also result in fines. People living in the desert, inner cities or areas with no access to lakes are not exempt. Age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge nor lack of desire are acceptable excuses for not using your boat. 

A government review board will decide everything, including; when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your boat along with how many people can ride your boat and determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their boat. They will also decide if your boat has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories, or a newer and more expensive boat. (Cash for Clunkers guidelines will be used).

Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a boat, they and their families can obtain boats free, at the expense of tax payers. Unions, special interest and major donors are also exempt. 

*            *            *            *            *

Six Basic Rules For Good Health

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.

5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level !!!

SO .... REMEMBER .........

6. FISHING is good for your health and soul .....

And may the Good Lord cleanse your Filthy Mind !!!

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GOLFING DAYS ARE OVER

TGIF Editor’s Note: I think they are for this year. I’ve kept my clubs in the garage near the car for the last month, thinking that I was going to get out one more time before the winter. Alas, it hasn’t happened. At least I still have my two good arms and legs for next year’s golfing!

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the Hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon stopped to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.

"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good News?"

"The good news is, I have a donated one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.  I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again.."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes In watercolours."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer.

"Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.”

*         *         *         *         *

And speaking of signing up on line for Obamacare, here is an amended one that I used not long ago, but that someone has applied/linked to the online sing-up mess.

Signing in on line to the Obamacare website......................

Choosing a Username at HealthCare.org
 

"You must enter a password to proceed."
  

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."
    

pretty roses

 

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."
  

1 pretty rose

 

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
  

1prettyrose

 

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."
  

1fuckingprettyrose

 

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."
  

1FUCKINGprettyrose

 

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."  
  

1FuckingPrettyRose

 

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."    
    

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!

 

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation marks."    
 

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow

 

"Sorry, that password is already taken."

*            *            *            *            *

LOVE IS IN BROOM

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and,  after a while, they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely. 

 

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!' 

'IMPOSSIBLE!' said the groom broom. 

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!' 

*            *            *            *            *

QUIZ TIME!

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

(Answers are below)

1.  Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years..

4.  People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7% of the population are lefties.

7. 40-people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11.  The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7-times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in 'An Officer and a Gentleman' and 'Tootsie.'

20. Michael Jackson owned the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the  milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Now, scroll down for the answers...

They are all TRUE!

Now go back and think about 16

  

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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic for this week.

ESTATE PLANNING

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.  When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune once his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

*            *            *            *            *

Now we’ve come to the end of this issue. I don’t want any complaining about the contents since I have used only the contributions that I have received during this last week and I have used all the ones that I could and that haven’t been used all that recently. In other words, I received about 10 contributions since last Friday. You all have to do a better job if you expect one of these every Friday!

Time to wish you a friendly Friday and a wonderful weekend!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 08 November 2013

Greetings from your Friday guy at the end of another work week. At this time last week, I was preparing for my trip to Boston to attend the Boston Red Sox Victory parade in the duck boats. Well, it was a beautiful day and with my son Jonathan and a couple hundred thousand other members of Red Sox Nation, we thoroughly enjoyed the celebration. Everyone was in “happy mode” and there were no untoward incidents. In fact, the only negative thing that happened in Boston after the Sox victory in Game Six last Wednesday night was the overturning of one car in Kenmore Square and with modern electronic devices and cameras, it is very likely that they will find the 3 or 4 men who were responsible for this. Just like those same cameras helped identify the Boston Marathon bombers six months ago.

It’s been a quiet week around here since then. I have been putting away the summer things and getting ready for winter. We had our first real frost last week and I’ve pulled up all the dead annual flowers and have been raking the yard for the last time before the first snow falls in a few days. Tomorrow I’ve got to get the snow-blower out of the shed and into the garage and put away my lawn mower for the winter. All the summer chairs on the back deck have been put in the barn, along with the B-B-Q grill. And my bike has gone down to the basement to spend the winter. I was hoping to play golf one or two more times before my clubs join my bike downstairs, but it’s been too cool. Maybe I’ll get one more chance before the snow flies.

Last week should have been my Halloween edition of the TGIF. The only problem was that I had no contributed material. So, I want to thank all of you who contributed Halloween material on the 2 or 3 days AFTER Halloween.  I’d also like to add that I have gone through the 50 or so contributions that have been emailed to me over the last 3 weeks and have barely managed to put together this edition – although it has 2 golden oldies – and a few members have contributed nearly half of the ones I’ve got for you today. And of those 50 or so, probably about 40 have been used once or several times before. I’ve been told not to be too harsh on you all. I understand. But you need to also understand what I have to deal with. I think I deserve a salary increase. You can’t say “Don’t Quit Your Day Job!” cuz I already did!

Okay, here’s the best I could do for today:

Children's Sermon

A Catholic priest was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........

The priest called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts for more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

*            *            *            *            *

WOMEN IN LEATHER DRESSES

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he thinks irrationally? 

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a N e w T r u c k

*            *            *            *            *

“This year will go down in History.  For the first time, a civilized nation has gun registration.  Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient and the world will follow our lead into the future.”

Adolf Hitler -1935

*            *            *            *            *

The timeless wisdom of Phyllis Diller

TGIF Editor’s Note: She was one of my favorite comedians back in the 1960s and 70s.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

I admit that I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

*            *            *            *            *

One night, after a middle-aged couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

“Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, “I found the remote.”

*            *            *            *            *

TGIF Editor’s Note: I think I may have used that one recently, but I still laughed when I read it again and figure that most of you had forgotten it by now.

*            *            *            *            *

On a train from London to Manchester an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your “stiff upper lip” puts you above the rest of us.

Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood,  and some Aborigine blood.

What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

*            *            *            *            *

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the Single European currency, all citizens of the

United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2013 ....

From this date onwards, the correct terminology will be: 

'Euro-nating'.

Thank you for your attention!

*            *            *            *            *

Irish Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork from London.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Cork, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure because it cost him £2000.00 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:

*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*'

I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.

*            *            *            *            *

I’ve got a couple ones today that definitely qualify for the TGIF Golden Oldies . . .

TGIF GOLDEN CLASSICs

1) MT. VERNON, TEXAS WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented:

"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's bullshit."

*            *            *            *            *

2) IRISH GHOST STORY

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door...... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying.... And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....
   

Look Paddy.... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

*            *            *            *            *

Time to close and wish you all a wonderful weekend!

If I don’t get enough good material between now and next week, it may be a few weeks until you hear from me.

All the best!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 01 November 2013

Greetings from your TGIF Editor-in-chief, on this All Hallows Eve in Vermont. As tomorrow (Friday) is All Saints Day, some offices may be closed, but you can always enjoy this issue whenever it arrives in your inbox. The cute little kids all dressed up in their costumes have already started coming by our house for some Halloween treats. Each year there seem to be more and more “trick-or-treaters” in our neighborhood. I think some clever parents have realized that they can “truck” them into this ‘hood that has about 40 houses all in close proximity and with very little vehicular traffic. So, our budget for Halloween candy has been increasing every year since our return here.

Representing WFP, I took part in an all-day symposium at the Vermont Law School last Friday, the 25^th, where they focus on “environmental law”. The theme of their Fall Symposium this year was “Rising Temps and Emerging Threats: The Intersection of Climate Change and National Security in the 21^st Century”. Very interesting panels (4 in all) on the science; the military’s role; population displacement (due to climate change); and food security and how all changes due to the climate change may impact national (and international) security. What a mess we are all passing on to our children and grandchildren. It’s amazing, frustrating and disheartening that so many people are in such denial about this.

Let me see, what else happened this week? Oh yeah, thanks for the reminder, Fred. The Boston Red Sox are Major League Baseball champions for 2013. I am a bit uncomfortable in saying “world champions” because I used to get a hard time from my international friends about the fact that Americans call it the World Series, when it is only U.S. and Canadian teams who play in MLB, whereas they play baseball in Japan, Taiwan, South Korea, many countries in Latin America and other countries. On Wednesday night, Boston beat St. Louis in Game 6 of the “best of 7 game” series (“world” – oops). It was “our” 3^rd championship this century, but the first one while I’ve been in New England (it is all of New England’s team – not just Boston’s). In 2004, I was attending a UN meeting in Bangkok when they won for the first time since 1918!!! Then, in 2007, while I was living in Niger, I happened to be in Brussels, attending a meeting about Niger. I went to a Sports Bar in Luxembourg Plaza that was run by an American guy, which was called Fat Boys. It turned out that the American guy was from Texas but was a huge Red Sox fan and had a Sox tattoo on his arm. The time difference meant we watched the game from 2 to 6 a.m. There were about 6 of us diehard Bosox fans who enjoyed the game, watching Jonathan Papelbon strike out the last Colorado Rockie. We then enjoyed some champagne and I walked back to my hotel at 6.30 am in the rain and was completely oblivious to the fact I was soaked when I got there. (There was an Air France strike on which prevented me from leaving Brussels until the next day so I had a nice sleep-in.) And speaking of Fred, that is 3 rings for the Red Sox this century. How many do your Yankees have this century?

So, I’m driving down to Boston to attend the Red Sox Victory Duck Boat Parade on Saturday!

And now, on to another current sports franchise topic. The name of the Washington DC national football league team (the Redskins) has come under a lot of discussion lately – with many believing that it is time for the team to abandon and replace this inappropriate and racist name for its team.   

The Washington Redskins are changing their name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, hatred, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, violence, counter-productivity, ill-spirit, un-Godliness, and hostility associated with their name.  From now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.

Get it?

*            *            *            *            *

Why We Need A Minimum IQ Requirement for the Senate

In a bid to stem taxpayer losses for bad loans guaranteed by federal
housing agencies Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac, Senator Bob Corker (R-Tenn.)
proposed that borrowers be required to make a 5% down payment in order to
qualify for a loan.

His proposal was rejected 57-42 on a straight party-line vote because, as Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn) explained, "Passage of such a requirement
would restrict home ownership to only those who can afford it."
 

I can't really add anything to this, I just can't....!

*            *            *            *            *

A lot of advice is offered out there as to how we should not sweat the small stuff and focus on the more important things. But, we shouldn’t take this too far.

"If we concentrated on the really important stuff in life, there would be a shortage of fishing poles."

And a fishing pole might be very good therapy for some of us.

*            *            *            *            *

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager.

“Here, give me the broom, I’ll show you how to do it.”

 *            *            *            *            *

Mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday.

“I’d like a little brother,” the boy said.

“Oh my, that’s such a big wish,” said the mother. “Why do you want a little brother?”

“Well,” said the boy, “there’s only so much I can blame on the dog.”

 *            *            *            *            *

 While crossing the U.S.-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by an agent who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. “What’s in the bags?” asked the border agent.

“Sand,” said the cyclist.

“Get them off – we’ll take a look,” said the agent.

The cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags and, proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the border agent happened to meet the cyclist downtown.

“Say friend, you sure had us crazy”, he said. “We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word – but what was it you were smuggling?”

“Bicycles!”

*            *            *            *            *

IMPORTANT CONSIDERATIONS

 Can you cry under water? 

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? 

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?

Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? 

Why does a round pizza come in a square box? 

What disease did cured ham actually have? 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? 

Why is it that people say they  'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two  hours? 

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? 

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? 

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? 

They're going to see you naked anyway... 

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? 

(I always wondered about that?!)

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? 

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! 

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crud, why didn't he just buy dinner? 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? 

Now, why did you just try singing the two songs above? 

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? 

Why, Why, Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

*            *            *            *            *

Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

*            *            *            *            *

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.  He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard..
"I'm lost," said the man.  "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition.  If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
 
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs.  She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.  She was obviously attracted to the young man, since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.  But, during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.  

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.  Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest.  Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well that's pretty crappy," he thought.  "If that's the best the old man can do, then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.  As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.  Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost!!"

*            *            *            *            *

It IS Halloween and this is the only one I have to share, and as it is an oldie, it’ll be this week’s TGIF Golden Classic:

Police work must have a modicum of entertainment as well as being dangerous.

Recently in Victoria, a female police officer arrested Patrick LAWRENCE, a 22-year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), LAWRENCE was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

LAWRENCE explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop. "You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around..." he stated.

LAWRENCE went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, LAWRENCE failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda TAYLOR approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Senior Constable TAYLOR. 'I walked up to LAWRENCE - and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...'

Senior Constable TAYLOR went on to describe what happened when she approached LAWRENCE... "I said; 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"

"LAWRENCE froze, and was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said, 'A pumpkin? Shit - is it midnight already?"

The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth.

The Geelong Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line" ever...

*            *            *            *            *

Here is another Halloween oldie:

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when

:

10. You keep knocking on your own front door.

9. You remove your false teeth to change your appearance.

8. You ask for soft high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, and you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say: 'Great Boris Karloff Mask,'

And you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, 'Trick or...'And you can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that doesn't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

1. You keep having to go home to pee.

*            *            *            *            *

So, I hope you have all enjoyed Halloween, without any intimate relationships with pumpkins, and can look forward to a nice weekend. It seems that winter is fast approaching, here. I haven’t even finished raking all the leaves up or putting away my outside summer stuff. It all goes too fast! Snow is now flying in the mountains and a few ski areas are opening. We’ll be on the slopes pretty soon. But, for now, we will celebrate and rest in the glow of another Red Sox world series win (There! I said it! I challenge any team from any country to beat our Red Sox!!!)

Have a great Friday (All Saints Day) and a wonderful weekend. I’ll give my report on the Red Sox Parade next week! C U then!

TGI-Jeff