TGIF - 18 May 2012

Greetings from you-know-who back down here in the dungeon after having
spent a beautiful day outdoors, walking 18 holes at the links and
mowing half of the yard. With all the rain we’ve been getting, the
grass is growing really fast and the yard is green, even if partly
covered by dandelions. I’ve given up trying to get rid of them. I knew
someone who used to pay his kids to pick out by the roots all the
dandelions in his yard. But that was back before they were unionized
and only got 5 cents per dandelion. Anyway, we’ve had lots of rain and
parts of Vermont got some hail during a big thunderstorm here on
Wednesday evening. The golf course was wet and spongy but it was a
nice walk in mid-60s temperatures.

This will be my last TGIF for several weeks (2 at least) as Pam and I
will be traveling to San Diego to spend a week there with my sister
and her husband, and my brother and his wife. The week there is around
our youngest, Philip, USD graduation over Memorial Day weekend. Then I
will stop off in Iowa on my homeward trip to attend my Grinnell
College alumni reunion weekend. It will be a huge “cluster” reunion,
involving the classes near mine (1973) of ’72, ’71 and ’66, ’67 and
’68. I think that the classes of 1969 and 1970 decided to join in as
well. So, it should be fun. Obviously, there will be other classes
attending (60 years, 50 years, 30, 25, 20, 10, and so forth). It will
not be my only time in Grinnell this summer, as I will be doing my
third bike ride across Iowa (RAGBRAI) the last week of July and so
will be in Grinnell at the beginning and end of that week, as I’ll be
going this year with the Grinnell College group and Grinnell’s Bikes
To You support group.

So, until a few weeks from now, enjoy the following offerings. There
are some on language, some on religion, some on sexual orientation and
one on time and a good golden oldie with Ollie.

Oh, congrats to my friend Peter and his Manchester City team who
managed to win their first English Premier League title since 1968. (I
know how hard it was for me to wait for my Red Sox to finally win a
championship in 2004.)

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS SO IMPORTANT

The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two
people - Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who
used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night.

She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said:
'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit.'

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

HAVE SOME FAITH

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should
remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all
wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one
of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the
youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about
the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much
practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the
kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation,
Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the
microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all
I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always
paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One
day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his
daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to
help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says
your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does
she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless
every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and
past). For several weeks after we had finished the nightly prayer,
Kelli would say, "And all girls." It soon became part of her nightly
routine to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I
asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response: "Because everybody else always finishes their prayers by
saying 'All Men'!"

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started to eat right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother. "I
don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer
before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house,
and she knows how to cook.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

SAME SEX MARRIAGE

Two elderly ladies (Gladys and Francis) were sitting on a park bench
discussing current topics:

And another thing, Francis, all this talk about same sex marriage…..
I just don’t see what the big deal is!

Harvey and I have been having the same sex for 54 years, and to tell
you the truth, it isn’t worth getting all upset over.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

A Written Response to Dr. Laura

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant
Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus
18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US
man, and posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative.

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of
debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements
of God’s Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine
claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is
how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord -Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’
of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room
here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to
death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum,
Instruction, and Special Education, University of Virginia
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

English as a second language

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his
Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives
when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to
speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree
and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is
a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a
couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills
them both.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent
years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each
other, so how could he just up and kill these 2 people?

The chief replied,

"My bike."

Enjoy your day and remember to be careful when riding somebody else's bike.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

What would you do with this prize?
Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest: Each
morning your bank would deposit $86,400.00 in your private account for
your use.
However, this prize has rules, just as any game has certain rules.

The first set of rules would be:
Everything that you didn't spend during each day would be taken away from you.
You may not simply transfer money into some other account.
You may only spend it.
Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another
$86,400.00 for that day.
The second set of rules:
The bank can end the game without warning; at any time
It can say, it’s over, the game is over! It can close the account and
you will not receive a new one.
What would you personally do?
You would buy anything and everything you wanted right? Not only for
yourself, but for all people you love, right? Even for people you
don't know, because you couldn't possibly spend it all on yourself,
right? You would try to spend every penny, and use it all, right?

ACTUALLY This GAME is REALITY!
Each of us is in possession of such a magical bank. We just can't seem
to see it.
The MAGICAL BANK is TIME!
Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life,
And when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is NOT credited to us.
What we haven't lived up that day is forever lost.
Yesterday is forever gone.
Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your
account at any time....WITHOUT WARNING.

SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?
Those seconds are worth so much more than the same amount in money.
Think about that, and always think of this:
Enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker
than you think.
So take care of yourself, be Happy, Love Deeply and enjoy life!
Here's wishing you a wonderful and beautiful day.

Start spending wisely, as too many seconds have already passed by.
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic for this week. An oldie – but goodie!

Accident Lawsuit

A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a
truck owned by the Eversweet Company. Olie decided to sue.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him
thus: 'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine?"

Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust
loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?'

Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas
drivin' down da road.... ' the lawyer interrupted again and said,
'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of
the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie's answer and
said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite cow, Bessie'.

Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust
loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her
down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering
tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was
trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to
move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a
groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He
could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to
her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his
gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock vud you say?'

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Just enough time left to wish you a fantastic Friday and a wonderful
weekend, as usual. The weather here looks very good for the next
days so I hope to finish planting a small garden and some flower beds. And go on a few bike rides and walk a few links.

Until the next time, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. But if you do, be careful!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 11 May 2012

Greetings from my weekly hobby spot down in the dungeon. It’s not

quite so bad today as it’s been raining and chilly outside. We had the
visit this week of Miguel and Lolita (Marie Dolores) Bermeo who are
now also retired (Ecuador) and who we had not seen in many years. We
overlapped in Sri Lanka for the four years from 2002 to 2006,
including being there for the Indian Ocean Tsunami of December 26,
2004. (Miguel was the UN resident coordinator those years.) In fact,
within an hour of the tsunami hitting the Sri Lankan shores, Miguel
and I, the UNICEF representative and my deputy were at the Ministry of
Defense, at the command center, which was receiving info from all over
the country as to the devastation and loss of lives. At that moment,
it was hard to comprehend the extent of this disaster, but from that
point forward, a huge humanitarian operation was carried out and
Miguel had the responsibility of not only coordinating the UN
agencies’ work but also that of the non-governmental organizations and
more. In fact, he played a big role in assisting the government in
putting in place an appropriate system to manage this “once in a
century” crisis. For me, the year that followed the tsunami was
probably both the most challenging and the most rewarding period of my
career with the UN WFP.

We had a good UN team there and as with other crises or emergencies,
it made us closer and we have maintained contact with many of people
with whom we shared that challenging time. So, since we have retired,
we have kept in contact and seen a number of those people (in DC, or
here) and so it was good to hear that Miguel and Lolita had decided to
come up (from NYC where they were visiting kids and grandkids) our way
for a short visit. While here, Miguel expressed interest in seeing
first hand the “TGIF dungeon”. I can’t say he was impressed - - - but
now maybe he appreciates my complaining about my working conditions to
put out a weekly message. Maybe he can petition OCHA for some
supplementary funding to improve the conditions here - - - for
example, putting in a window would be good, improving the lighting and
a new desk and comfortable chair, as well as a new espresso machine!
I’m sure (for the OCHA funds) that I can bring in the total
improvements to within $50,000. ( J )

I recently read a newspaper summary of a report on the health of
Vermont’s environment for the year 2011. It was a rough year in this
regard for our state. Spring flooding was the worst in many years and
then there was the Hurricane Irene-induced torrential rains that
caused massive damage to roads, bridges, houses, buildings and other
infrastructure. But, it seems, it’s not only these events that had an
impact on our Vermont environment, but other developments on our
ecosystem are and will continue to have an adverse effect in future
years. Our Vermont governor has repeatedly said that he believes that
the greatest environmental threat facing Vermont and the world is
“climate change”. (By the way, he is a Democrat and I heard about
another study that showed the distinctive correlation between those
who believe that climate change is a reality and their political party
affiliation. Democrats believe that climate change is our reality;
while Republicans overwhelmingly tend to disregard it.) Anyway, it
seems (from the report) that Vermont’s average winter temperatures
have warmed by about 4.5 degrees (F) (2.5 C) during the past 50 years,
while summer days on average are 2 degrees warmer. Lakes in
northeastern Vermont are frozen four fewer weeks a year than they were
40 years ago. The report also mentions that average annual
precipitation has increased by 15 to 20 percent in the past 50 years.
Heavy downpours have increased in frequency and intensity, too. These
storms now release 67 percent more rain than they did 50 years ago.
The report states that these trends could increase flooding in Vermont
in the future. That’s not good news in a state still working to
recover from Irene’s flooding, which washed out hundreds of homes,
roads, and bridges, plus killed six people and left some communities
isolated for days.

So, now that I’ve attempted to educate you, now I guess you expect me
to try to entertain you too! Let’s see what I’ve got in the joke bag.
I know it is not empty, but until I look, I’m not sure if any are new
or good. Let’s dive in!

BLONDE   JOKE   #1

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a 'peel and win'
sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!'

The waitress says, 'That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'

But the blonde keeps on screaming, 'I've won a motorhome! I've won a
motorhome!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but
you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we
didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!'

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...



 'W I N A B A G E L'

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

BLONDE   JOKE   #2

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt
Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough,
there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

'You rotten bitch', she screams, 'My husband's having a heart attack,
and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

BLONDE    JOKE   #3

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them...
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the
third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the
bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her
breasts and she decks him!

He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady...
Why do you let the bartender do it?'

"Helloooo!", says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

THE   OUTDOORSMAN

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level,
and so I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank
eight Beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and
down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out
of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four
"leaks" behind big trees."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one heck of an
Outdoors Man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

GOLF   POEM

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.

But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls!

A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year.

This means that, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid!!!

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

MORE   GOLF   JOKES

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses
from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes,
picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying
here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on
the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let
him play through."

*       *       *       *       *

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name
is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around
the course. What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
*       *       *       *       *

A young man and a priest are playing together.

At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this
hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church,
when we pray, we keep our head down."

*       *       *       *       *

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody
5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts
her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

(TGIF editors’ note: that is my all-time favorite golf joke!)

*       *       *       *       *

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and
hit his ball into a clump of trees.  He found his ball and saw an
opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree,
bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I??

*       *       *       *       *

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar,
the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all
day, is it?"

*       *       *       *       *

Time for the TGIF Golden Classic with the theme of an old golf joke.

So, the following are my second and third favorite golf jokes of all
time. And I just received them from TGIF members this week.

A man takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband shouted, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have
apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw
the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken
antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,
I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant you three
wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep
the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd
like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in
the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be
safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

" Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, - - - my wish is to sleep with
your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.

"I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs
where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The
genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your
husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

The genie smiled and said “Really? Thirty-five years old and both of
you still believe in genies?”

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

THE   IRISH   GOLFER

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking
for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big
bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it
over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so
whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't
want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do
something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he
ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, ' the little guy says. 'I
just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally
famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I
just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know
were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says
shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did
a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once,
sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or
twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic
priest in a small parish.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

I hope I hear back from OCHA soon on the request that I hope Miguel
submits. Unless he feels the amount is too much and feels he needs to
share some of it with FAO, ILO and WHO, too.

Just want to mention that Pam and I attended a very nice wedding last
Saturday in Laconia NH (about 2 hours from here) of Debba and Ali.
Debba was Joya’s teacher in Chad way back when and she has been more
recently in Niger. I wish Ali and her (also because she is a TGIF
frequent contributor) a long and happy life together.

Hope you’ve had your fair share of blonde and golf jokes in this one!
The golf jokes are dedicated to my golfing friends: Kevin, Dave, Bob,
Bill, Tod, Maslan and all you other hackers.

Have a fantastic Friday and a really wonderful weekend, one and all.
And be sure to get out on the links.

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 04 May 2012

Greetings once again from the guy back down in the TGIF dungeon to try
and make up for missing last week. I was busy traveling to
Massachusetts and Rhode Island and New Hampshire, where I had visits
with my Dad and then good old friends (R&L Lawrence) and then to
attend a Taft family gathering, respectively, from Wednesday through
Sunday – so no time for being down here in the windowless basement.
But it’s been raining the last few days (not complaining – we needed
it!) and there’s no Red Sox or Celtics game tonight (Thursday), so
that’s why you’re getting a Friday message from me this week – whether
you like it or not! I’m pleased that a few of my local friends noticed
and complained that I did not produce one last week. So, even if I’m
retired, I’m still missed for something.

Time to dive into the stuff I’ve pulled out of the TGIF inbox from the
last few weeks.

I wish I had known that!

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Marine Corps pilot
was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother
began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he
gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related
items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,
"Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said
that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in
the baby's ears.

The Marine Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion
exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
Word Play

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's
no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The
police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
Computer Passwords can be a pain – to remember them all!

Husband trying to log on to their home computer: “Baby, did you change
the password?”
Wife, from the other room, “Yes, honey.”
Husband: “And what is the new one?”
Wife: “It’s the date of our wedding anniversary.”
Husband to himself: “I am so screwed!”
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
Incredible Quotes from a recent Travel Survey

A recent survey from Thomas Cook and the Association of British Travel
Agents revealed 20 of the most ridiculous complaints by holiday-makers
made to their travel agent.
1. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local
store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger
nuts.”
2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I
often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be
banned.”
3. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost
every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.”
4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had
to bring our swimming costumes and towels.”
5. A tourist at a top African Game Lodge overlooking a water hole, who
spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this
rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel “inadequate.”
6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been
locked in her hotel room by staff. In fact, she had mistaken the “do
not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in
the room.
7. “The beach was too sandy.”
8. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your
brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”
9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick
and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
10. “Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was
ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.”
11. “We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five euros from a street
trader, only to find out they were fake.”
12. “No one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”
13. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England, it
only took the Americans three hours to get home.”
14. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.”
15. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation.’
We’re trainee hairdressers — will we be OK staying there?”
16. “There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks
Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad.”
17. “We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.”
18. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or
unruly guests before we travel.”
19. “I was bitten by a mosquito, no-one said they could bite.”
20. “My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a
double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I
find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us
in the room that we booked.”
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
If you drink don't drive. Take the bus!

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had rare brushes
with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over
the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends
and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did
something I've never done before .... I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as
I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!
If you know of anybody missing a bus please let me know so I can
arrange to return it.
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
Some of the following are repeats, even in this same issue – but I’m
not going to delete those from the set of 14. I wonder if you all get
them all!?

British Humor – errr, Humour

1.       My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you
believe that? 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my
Bagpipes.

2.       The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off
with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

3.       Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a
Labrador."Really," says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners
go blind?"

4.       I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!  At least
I presume she was poor - she only had €1.20 in her purse.

5.       My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not
exactly my girlfriend yet.

6.       Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor
standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid; then I was
petrified.

7.       The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare
for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes
back.

8.       A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

9.       I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a
grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about
with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"

10.      My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I
went to our local pet shop and they were €70. "Blow this," I thought,
"I can get one cheaper off the web."

11.      Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

12.      I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I
could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

13.      I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good
Korea move.

14.      I was driving this morning when I saw a RAC van parked on the
side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked
very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a
breakdown."
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
Four guys have been going to the same moose camp for many years. Two
days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and
tells him he isn't going. Ron's friends are very upset that he can't
go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping
site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood
gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into
letting you go?"   "Well, I've been here since yesterday."

"Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and my wife came
up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'  I
pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She
took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and
rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She
told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said,
"Do whatever you want."

So here I am.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
Time for the TGIF Golden Classic.

A drunken woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Birmingham cab rank.
The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.  He
made no attempt to start the cab.

"What's wrong with you, buster, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady - I am telling you - that would not
be proper where I am coming from."

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is
this lady keeping the money to be paying me?"

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
Speaking of “paying me”, thanks to many of you who have been paying your
TGIF dues by submitting material. I’ll have enough for awhile, but do think of me when you see a new one and NOT a TGIF golden oldie!

Time to get back to my other work. But not before I wish you the customary “bon weekend.” Cheers.

TGI-Jeff