Greetings from your every-other Friday guy on this last day of the work week. Are you ready for a great weekend or not? I would imagine that most of you are. Besides, those of you who are tempted to go into the office on the weekend should do no such thing and get a life. Get your proper work-life balance or you will suffer in the long run!
It’s the end of September but here in Vermont we are still enjoying the last days of nice weather, as the maple trees are starting to turn to red and gold. Autumn is such a nice time of year. But the sun is setting a lot earlier than during summer and rising much later, too. With the cooler temps, it is easier to sleep in a little later than normal now. But who cares?! I am retired and have no alarm clock! So there!
It is getting a bit cool to play tennis and golf and go biking, but I will try to keep doing those things as long as we can. I’m looking forward to the fall colors exploding in the next week to 10 days. A few days ago, Pam and I joined her parents in nearby Hanover (NH) to help celebrate her Dad’s 90th birthday. He is doing well and will likely make it to 100, in my opinion. It was such a treat to witness him opening and reading to us all the birthday cards that he had received from all his family and relatives. Such nice memories were expressed in those and they generated both laughter and tears! What a nice life – well lived and appreciated by all who know him.
About 10 years ago and probably the last time he went downhill skiing in Vermont, he was riding the chairlift back up the mountain when a young skier on the chair expressed his admiration for someone of his age (80ish) still skiing. The young man asked my father-in-law where he was from and he replied that he was a Vermonter. The young man then asked him if he had lived all his life in Vermont. That gave my father-in-law the opportunity to use the punch line from an old Vermont joke that he had always appreciated and now had a chance to use: “Wellll, not yet!”
Let’s see what TGI-Jeff has to offer for today!
Spanish Oysters
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning, A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'
* * * * *
Miscellaneous thoughts
I'm not ageing, I just need re-potting.
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!
Discover wildlife! Have kids!
Our policy is to always blame the computer.
Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
Take my advice. I'm not using it!
By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!
* * * * *
A Cute Story about “Puppy Love”
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
* * * * *
Tonsils vs. Circumsision
Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.
Theirs will be first on the schedule.
The older boy leans over and asks,
"What are you having done?"
The second boy says,
"I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."
The first boy says,
"You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze."
The second boy then asks,
"What are you going in for?"
The first boy says, "Circumcision."
"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.
"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
* * * * *
Politics Explained
Psychology 101 - (Simple truth)
If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result ... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away.
Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.
The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment...... with enthusiasm, because he is now part of the "team".
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by the fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds...that is the way it has always been!
This, my friends, is how Government operates... and this is why, from time to time:
ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME!
* * * * *
On Being Discreet
Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
* * * * *
Resetting The Password
How many passwords do we have to have and how do we remember them all?
Here is an exchange between a user and tech support on resetting his password.
Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one.
Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?
No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one.
Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?
Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.
Can I use the old one and just re-register it?
No, you must get a new one.
I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.
Sorry, you must get a new one.
OK, roses.
Sorry you must use more letters.
OK, pretty roses
No good, you must use at least one numerical character.
OK, 1 pretty rose
Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.
OK, 1prettyrose
Sorry, you must use additional characters.
OK, 1fuckingprettyrose
Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.
OK, 1FUCKINGprettyrose
Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.
OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose
Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.
OK, 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow
Sorry, that password is currently being used.
* * * * *
Little Johnny
It's career day in elementary school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad.
Johnny comes to the front of the class. 'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sex acts on them.'
The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad. Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for the Yankees.'
* * * * *
TGIF Golden Classic
It’s time for the weekly golden oldie. Little Johnny strikes again!
During a classroom discussion, the teacher asked her fifth grade students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly raised her hand and said, “My family went to my grandparent's farm where we saw my grandfather’s pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher replied, “That was good Molly, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.'”
Sally raised her hand and said, “My family visited Rock City, Georgia, and I was fascinated to be able to see seven states from the top of Lookout Mountain.”
The teacher said, “That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,’ not ‘fascinated.’”
Little Johnny raised his hand to join the discussion; the teacher was hesitant to recognize him because she had been embarrassed on numerous occasions by him during prior similar discussions. Notwithstanding, she decided there was no way he could contort this word, so she recognized him.
Little Johnny contributed to the discussion by offering, “My aunt has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.”
The teacher cried.
* * * * *
The baseball season is winding up this weekend and our Boston team has won their division and will be in the playoffs. Most of the players on the team have grown long beards. Let’s see how far into the playoffs they can go this year!
I guess that is all for this Friday. Have a great weekend! Take care and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do! See you next week or two.
TGI- Jeff
