TGIF - 30 August 2013

Thank God It's Friday!!!

Greetings from your Friday guy. Sorry that I missed putting out an issue last week! But then again, most of you are on vacation and it’s just one more unopened email to deal with when you get back. So, I consider that I was doing you a service! Anyway, I had a good excuse why I was not able to edit an addition last week: I was finalizing preparations with my local country club to celebrate our 60^th anniversary (established 1953) on Thursday, August 22^nd. I have been researching and compiling the history of Springfield’s Crown Point Country Club and I managed to create a display of a number of old black and white photos, along with narratives on the history of the founding of the club back in the 1950s. I was friends in the 1960s with a lot of the sons and daughters of the founding families and since no one previously has attempted to write the club’s history, … well, I appointed myself as CPCC historian.

Others spent a lot of time organizing the events of the day, including getting sponsorships for all the holes and potential large cash and vehicle prizes for some holes in ones, and a cannon and bagpipers. The Vermont Lt. Governor was there and helped raise the flag. It was a smashing success with over 100 players in the golf scramble.  A very good time was had by all who attended. Now, that that main event is over, I’ll have time to resume my writing of the history.

But I think I’ll take a few more days off as we approach our USA Labor Day weekend and we get to entertain our daughter Joya and her “beau”, Chris. They are up here from DC to attend their friend Courtney’s wedding in nearby Ludlow, VT. I look forward to making for Chris and Joya some of my blueberry pancakes, with fresh blueberries from our back yard bushes. And toppiing them with really good REAL Vermont maple syrup.

Time to dive into the joke contribution bag and see what is funny and fit to print. (I do appreciate receiving email contributions from my male buddies with all the breasts, but really, you don’t expect those to get past the TGIF censor, do you???)

A NEW BLONDE JOKE – seriously

The Longest Password Ever!

We may laugh - - - but her I.D. is safe and secure!!!

During a recent audit visit to an office, it was discovered that one of the blonde secretaries had the following password for her computer:

MickeyMinnieDonaldHueyLouieDeweyGoofyPlutoSacremento

When the blonde was asked why such a long password, she replied:

“Hello? I was told that it must have 8 characters and include one capital”!!!

Makes sense to me!

*            *            *            *            *

Pencil Riddle

There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.

The Female pencil got pregnant !!

Which Male pencil is responsible?

THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.

*            *            *            *            *

MY LITTLE SATNAV

I have a little Satnav

It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend

It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav

I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones

My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions

Especially how to drive

"It's thirty miles an hour", it says

"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start

And when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever

Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red

And when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively

Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front

And all those to the rear

And taking this into account

It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver

Has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car

It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counseling

Each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,

Makes sure I'm properly fed,

It washes all my shirts and things

And keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages

And my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then

I could turn the bugger off.

*            *            *            *            *

TODAY’S LIMERIC

There once was a pervert named Weiner,

who had a perverted demeanor.

Forced from the Hill for acting like Bill,

now  Congress is one weiner leaner.

Moral: "If you tweet your meat, you lose your seat."

*            *            *            *            *

PRESIDENT OBAMA’S OFFICIAL VISIT TO LONDON

As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards the Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Obama: "Mr President, please, accept my regrets...I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:

"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought...Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Moral of the story: "Silence is Golden."

*            *            *            *            *

Have you “herd” this one before?

A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

AND THAT Friends IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE EU!

*            *            *            *            *

The CONCERNED MOTHER and her daughter

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, 

"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?!  She can't be.  She has never ever been with a man!  Have you Debbie?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it.

About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!!!!"

*            *            *            *            *

OKAY, IT’S TIME FOR THIS WEEK’S TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC:

The LONE RANGER and TONTO

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had to sleep in the desert. After they got their

Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look

towards sky, what you see?

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorological, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

"You dumber than Obama voter. It means someone stole the f_____' tent."

*            *            *            *            *

It is that time of year when you can spend it outside during the evenings and see millions of stars in the night sky. Look for the summer triangle and Scorpio and other constellations!

Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend, especially to my Stateside friends who will be having a 3 or 4 day weekend! (Joya – hope your boss doesn’t read this!) J

Until the next time, we’ll “see you in September – when the summer’s through”!

Cheers.

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 16 August 2013

Greetings to all you TGIF faithful on this last day of the work week! I’m so busy getting ready for the 60^th anniversary of our local golf club that I haven’t been doing much else but finalizing the work I’ve been doing on working on the history of the club and putting together a photo exhibit for the August 22^nd anniversary celebration next Thursday.

But we took some time out to host a couple of old WFP friends who visited us during the last few days. Joan (pronounced Yohanne) Fleuren (male) was one of my real good friends and colleagues in WFP for over 25 years and he has also just recently retired. He and his wife Bep (both Dutch) are visiting their son and other friends in the USA over these few short weeks and we were very happy to host them here in our beautiful Vermont over the last 36 hours.

Okay. It’s time to jump into the joke bag and see what we’ve got for today!

*            *            *

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

 You just gotta love a man who tells the truth.

*            *            *            *            *

Dick decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.

His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."

Dick gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“

*            *            *            *            *

High School Biology Test

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.  

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

*            *            *            *            *

280,000 Mortgage.

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "  Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."  

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

  

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

*            *            *            *            *

Crow Mystery Solved

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird

Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the

crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine ifthere was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:

When crows eat road kill, they always have a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck." Absolutely amazing!

*            *            *            *            *

Two Patients

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same symptoms – both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.

The SECOND is an old age pensioner.

Next time I have a medical problem, take me to a Vet!

*            *            *            *            *

How to do BBQ!

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organizes the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

*            *            *            *            *

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and askedfor $20.00 for their first lovemakingencounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the

bank which was worth over $2 million,

And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

*            *            *            *            *

"WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!"

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man.

'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... 

''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

*            *            *            *            *

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realizes
that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he
points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks
and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

*            *            *            *            *

It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic and here it is:

Employee Notice For Old People .. EMPLOYEE NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Do I need to say any more?

Except that after all that Government intervention, I’d just like to wish you all a wonderful weekend!

Until next Friday, have a good one!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 09 August 2013

 Greetings from Mr. TGIF on this Friday, end of the work week. It is also in the middle of “Eid il Fitr” – the Muslim holiday that lasts for 3 days at the end of the 9^th month of the Muslim year, which is Ramadan – the fasting month! “Eid Mubarak!” to all my Muslim friends!

The weather has been pretty good here. Unseasonably cool recently, when Pam and I have shut our windows early in the evenings to keep the cold air from coming in during the night. Normally in the peak of summer, all windows are open (screened, of course) all night so as to allow the maximum of cool air to enter so that by the following morning it starts off mildly cool before the days heat raises the indoor temperature. We’ve had a fairly wet spring and early summer and it has been drying out a bit of late, although we did get some rain today. Can’t complain!

I’ve been busy working on my project of researching the history of my local golf club, which is celebrating it’s 60^th year this summer. In 2 weeks, we’ll have a special day for that and I am putting together lots of old photos from the 1950s and 1960s of the early members and what the place looked like back then and how it has evolved. I’ll have an exhibition of about 40 photos and accompanying narratives to go with them. That is, if I finish it in time. I was going to focus on that tonight, instead of drafting a TGIF, so you’d better be thankful that I digressed and put together this issue!

You can express your gratefulness by sending me some good jokes. Anyway, it’s done – Enjoy!

Here’s this week’s Late Night TV comedians take on the latest news items:

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

U.S. embassies are closed all around the Middle East this week due to a terrorist threat. What happened was the U.S. intercepted a conference call of 20 al-Qaida operatives. Twenty on one conference call! Who is their carrier? I go under a bridge and my cellphone drops the call, but they can get 20 people in one call from a cave?

We had President Obama on the show last night. It was a huge honor, but all the security made it difficult getting into the building. Security was checking IDs, the Secret Service was searching cars, Donald Trump was out front checking birth certificates — it was crazy.

The Republican National Committee now says if NBC and CNN don't pull plans for a Hillary Clinton miniseries and movie, they won't hold any Republican debates on those networks. That works for me. Now if we could just get the Democrats to pull their debates, we wouldn’t have to watch any of that crap.

This story just gets crazier: Two more women have come forward to accuse San Diego Mayor Bob Filner of sexual misconduct. That brings the total to 13 — or as Filner calls it, a groper's dozen.

Conan

Brigham Young University has been named the top sober school in America for the 16th year in a row. The students celebrated by having the worst party ever.

President Obama has called off a summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin because of diplomatic differences. Also, Obama didn't like Putin's demand that the summit be held shirtless and on horseback.

Michelle Obama's new initiative is to fight obesity through hip-hop. She hopes it goes better than the previous initiative — fighting marijuana use through reggae.

The NFL announced that referees are going to crack down this year on excessive celebrations. NFL players are being told not to show off too much after a touchdown, a sack, or a murder.

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

I'm not one of those ex-smokers who says, "I'll never smoke again." I would start smoking again in a heartbeat. The only thing stopping me is the painful early death.

I fancy smoking a pipe. Actually, I would like to just fill my pipe and then put on a robe and go around solving crimes.

The big trend these days is electronic cigarettes. They are not as bad for you. I suppose they're safer than regular cigarettes, but a lot of things are safer than cigarettes. That's like saying your movie made more money than "The Lone Ranger" or like saying you fathered fewer children than Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The University of Iowa has been named the No. 1 party school in America for 2013. So congratulations and shame on them.

One thing nice about Iowa: It is flat. So when you pass out you won't fall off any cliffs or anything.

An Iowa spokesman said the percentage of kids drinking five or more drinks in a day dropped from 73 percent in 2009 to only 58 percent last year. I like that they say "only 58 percent." That is when you know you have a party school on your hands.

I don't know why the Iowa school would deny something like that. If I was in charge, not only would I not deny it, I would mention it in all the advertising.

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

During a fundraiser last night, Mitt Romney told Republicans that they need to pick a candidate for 2016 who can actually win. And Republicans said, "Yeah, I wish you told us that last year. But hey, thanks a lot."

Last week, a woman in Nevada gave birth to a healthy baby boy in the bathroom of a Subway restaurant. Afterwards, the manager said, "Uh, you still have to buy something. Restrooms are for customers only."

A study found that if given a choice, most Americans would not want to live to the age of 120. People don't want to live to 120 except for one group — people who are at 119.

*            *            *            *            *

Senior
Bus Tour 

A tour bus driver is driving
with a bus load of seniors
down a highway when he
is tapped on his shoulder
by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful
of peanuts, which he
gratefully munches up.

After about 45 minutes, she
taps him on his shoulder again
and she hands him another
handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture
two more times.

When she is about to hand
him another batch again…
he asks the little old lady,
 ‘Why don’t you eat the
peanuts yourself?’

‘We can’t chew them
because we have no teeth’,
she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
‘Why do you buy them then?’

The old lady replied,
‘We just love the chocolate
around them.’

It pays to be careful
around old people!!!!

*            *            *            *            *

Good Ole Viagra!

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.  When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad.  They are very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa.  "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.  He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00 "

"I know," said Grandpa.  "The hundred is from Grandma!”

*            *            *            *            *

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and

started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

*            *            *            *            *

The Receptionist

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others as to what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. 

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I like the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes, sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became visibly irritated and said, 'Oh, my! You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear, or something like that, and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor…in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.”

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly, smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Mess with seniors? You're going to lose.

*            *            *            *            *

No Jews

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from
the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball.
 I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried
 officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.".
"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of
polite  Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as
they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last
point: "No Jews please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
 "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest
possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of
 my best and most prized officers."

"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an
additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship
design."

"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a
graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in
Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical
and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is
also an astronaut candidate."

"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer
systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting
notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."

"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our
ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of
Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North
Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in
Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and
looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be
escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other
women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap
at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very
handsome, smiling Black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,
"There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer.
 "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

*            *            *            *            *

I continue to receive a lot of joke contributions (TGIF dues) from you all that I’ve used before and my TGIF Golden Classic file is quite full. So, today I will use two of them in order to try and reduce that backlog and fill out this TGIF edition.

TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC(s)

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.  She was a good-looking woman who was determined to keep the ranch but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job.  One was gay and the other a drunk.  She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.  For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch began doing very well.

One day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You’ve done a really good job and the ranch looks great.  You should go into town and kick up your heels." 

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. 

1:00 am  came, however,… and he didn't return. 

2:00 am came,… and no hired hand yet.

Finally, at 3:00 am he returned.  Upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him.  She quietly called him over to her. 

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.  Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."  He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."  He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."  He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."  Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

*            *            *            *            *

FOUR HUSBANDS

A local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just been married for the fourth time.  The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.  She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.  After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when she was in her 40's, then a preacher when she was in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

*            *            *            *            *

So, I guess it’s time to go! “FORE!”

Just time enough left to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!

As an “outlaw” of the Taft family (worse than an “in-law) I do however look forward to the biannual Taft family reunion which is this weekend here in Vermont (Wallingford and North Shrewsbury) at Pam’s cousins’ places. Looking forward to seeing Tafts from Virginia, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Massachusetts, DC, New Jersey, Vermont and any other state that I’ve omitted. Texas? Maybe.

Time to go watch my first place Red Sox play tonight in KC!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 02 August 2013

Greetings from your Friday guy. It’s summer and most of you are taking your summer holidays during the June to August period and so, I have no qualms about issuing only an occasional TGIF edition during this period. It’s just too hard to stay indoors and compose them when there is so much to do outdoors during these summer months. That also allows me to accumulate a number of potential jokes to use that are not all Golden Oldies.

Since the last issue on 12 July I have been busy. Doing what I’m not sure – but definitely I was busy. Oh yeah, the biking – the tennis – the golf – the gardening – and the writing of the history of the local golf course, which is celebrating its 60^th anniversary in 3 weeks on the 22^nd. So, you may not be hearing from me again until the last week of August. But don’t let that prevent the few of you who actually pay your dues by contributing some material from doing just that!

Let’s see what good stuff may have come in over the last 3 weeks!

SEX on the SABBATH?

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin, because he is not sure if sex is WORK or PLAY.

So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is WORK and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks, "What does a Priest know about sex? So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man, and experienced in this matter. He queries the Minister and receives the same reply.

Sex is WORK, and therefore not for the Sabbath.

Not pleased with this reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority, a man of a thousand years of tradition and knowledge.

In other words, he goes to see a Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely PLAY.

Shocked, the man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure it is PLAY when so many others tell me sex is WORK?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were WORK, my Wife would have the Maid do it.

*            *            *            *            *

I hope my Mainiac friend Jeff allows me to use this one. It’s all old one that I seem to think of Sheriff Farber and Enoch Turner. But this one is a blonde and a little different.

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two

chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'

Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to Sea World.

*            *            *            *            *

How to Get Home!

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady!  I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

*            *            *            *            *

Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet growled wearily, "Just hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

*            *            *            *            *

Top Ten Country Western Songs.

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine



 

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few.



 

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me



 

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'



 

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win



 

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here



 

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him



 

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger



 

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer



 

And the Number One Country & Western song is...



 

It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day!

*            *            *            *           

Ah, Sweet Love

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

    

The wife, being a  romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband  a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a  friend.

 She texted:  

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.  

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are  eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a  sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: I'm on the toilet. Please advise.  

(Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?)  

*            *            *            *            *

 SOME GOOD QUOTES

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.  They said, 'Let us pray.'  We closed our eyes.  When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.

~ Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

~ David Letterman

Remember, after the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

~ Italian Proverb

Men are like linoleum floors.  Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

~ Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

~ Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Emo Philips

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

~ Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

~ Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~ Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn't make you happier.  I have 50 million dollars but, I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others.  What the others are here for, I have no idea.

~ WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry.  I mean, I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

~ Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology.  I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

~ Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Steve Martin

Home cooking.  Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ Jimmy Durante

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?

~ Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

~ Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

~ Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania.  When it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ Robert Benchley

 *            *            *            *            *

A Mensa Question

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off.

And on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

See answer below

. . . . .

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

*            *            *            *            *

TIME FOR THE TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC:

Invest Carefully

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,  you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,  you would have £0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased£1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received a £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it?!

*            *            *            *            *

I guess it’s time to wish you all a wonderful weekend and a nice August. Hope to talk to you again in September “when the summer is done”!

TGI-Jeff