TGIF - 31 January 2014

Greetings from the icebox and it’s not just in the northeast of the USA, but all over. Atlanta got almost shut down by 7 or 8 inches of snow this week. Lucky they’re not having the SuperBowl this Sunday in Atlanta!  The NFL took a big risk in assigning SuperBowl 48 to New York. It’ll be in the stadium that is shared by both NFL teams, the New York Jets and the New York Giants. However, the stadium is not in New York, - it’s in New Jersey. So, there has been a lot in the news this week about that and how New Jerseyites are upset. A Jersey friend sent in the following facts about this, from the NJ perspective.

Super Bowl XLVIII firsts:

·       Cold-weather, outdoor stadium

·       Two host teams (the Jersey Giants and the Jersey Jets)

·       Two host states.  The game may be in NJ, but the money and visibility will flow on the other side of the river to New York.

·       Mass transit Super Bowl—there is a Jersey Transit Station about a hundred yards from the stadium.

·       You may not walk to the game. NFL rules!

Peyton Manning wears #18 by permission of Frank Tripuka, a Jersey native and father of BBall great Kelly.  Frank was a QB at Notre Dame and then a pro QB from 1949-63.  He had 3 seasons with the new AFL Denver Broncos and they retired #18.  He offered the #18 to Peyton. Frank died last September. 

The old Giants stadium (1976-2010) hosted the most NFL games.  The sharing of the stadium by both the Giants and Jets enabled it to break a record that had long been held by Chicago's Wrigley Field. Entering the 2003 season, its twenty-eighth, Giants Stadium had played host to 364 NFL games, second only to the 365 played at Wrigley by the Chicago Bears in their fifty seasons there. 

Denver and Seattle play in the only two states where recreational marijuana use is legal (Colorado and Washington).

Therefore, possible nicknames for this year’s SuperBowl are:

StonerBowl

PotBowl

Bud Bowl.

Weed Bowl.

Fill a Bowl.

Super Stupor Bowl.

Halftime show:  Punt, Pass, Puff.

Featuring “Rocky Mountain High" by John Denver .and “Purple Haze” by Jimi Hendrix

Jersey Bowl Half-time!  What we should see, given the venue:

·       Queen Latifah

·       Bon Jovi

·       The Boss

Color Commentary by

·       Danny DeVito

·       Ray Liota

·       Meryl Streep

Jersey Jokes that need no set up:

·       Vince Lombardi Service Area

·       Garden State

·       Jimmy Hoffa

·       What Exit?

·       Xanadu

If you've ever lived in Jersey...you'll appreciate this!!!

New Jersey is the only “New” state where you can leave off the “New” in conversation.  Try saying “Hampshire,”  “York,” or “Mexico!”  But, “Jersey” works just fine, at least here in the US of A.

The Meadowlands (aka New Jersey Meadowlands, also known as the Hackensack Meadowlands) is more than a Sports Complex, home to  MetLife Stadium, the Izod Center, the Meadowlands Racetrack, the American Dream Meadowlands, and the Quest Diagnostics Training Center.  The meadowlands are 8400 acres of originally "meadows" of salt hay.  These tidal salt-water marshes have been drastically altered by the white man since the 1600, largely by gross environmental insults such as land-filling, digging dykes and building turnpikes in, on, and through the ecosystem.  Over the past 4 decades, significant restoration as been funded by taxes and settlements with polluters.

East Rutherford, home of Metlife Stadium, has a population of 8900- less than 1/10 the size of Green Bay.

So, enjoy this year’s SuperBowl brought to you from New Jersey!   Go Broncos!

*            *            *            *            *

 THE AFFORDABLE GOLF CLUB ACT

New Law....If you have old golf clubs....you can keep your golf clubs....until April 2014

The administration has passed a new law titled:

"The Affordable Golf Club Act" declaring that every citizen must purchase a new set of golf clubs, before April 2014.

This law has been passed, because until now, typically only the wealthy or financially responsible have been able to purchase new golf clubs without the assistance of their government.

This new law ensures that every American can now have "affordable" golf clubs of their own, because everyone is equally entitled to new golf clubs.

And if you want to keep the golf clubs you already have, you can do that, until April 2014.

These affordable golf clubs will cost from $1,000 to $3,000 each depending on your income level.

This does not include taxes, pull cart, electric cart fees, green fees, membership fees, balls, tees, gloves, range finders, storage fees, maintenance, or repair costs.

In order to make sure everyone participates and purchases their affordable golf clubs, the costs of owning golf clubs will increase 50% each year up to 400% by year 2018.

This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don't want or can't afford to maintain.

People who can't afford or refuse to maintain their golf clubs will be fined.

However, children under the age of 26 can use their parents’ golf clubs until they turn 27 at which time they must purchase their own golf clubs.

If you don't want or think you don't need golf clubs, you are still required to buy them.

If you refuse to buy a set or make claims that you can't afford them, you will be fined $800 until you purchase a set or face imprisonment.

People living in farming areas, ghettos, inner cities, Wyoming, or areas with no access to golf courses are not exempt.

Age, health, prior experience or no experience are not acceptable excuses for not buying, maintaining and using your golf clubs.

A government review board that doesn't know the difference between a hook and a slice will decide everything. This includes when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your golf clubs along with how many people can ride in your golf cart.

The board will also determine if participants are too old or not healthy enough to be able to use their golf clubs.

They will also decide if your golf clubs have outlived their usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories, like a range finder with slope adjustment or a newer and more expensive set of golf clubs.

Those that can afford memberships at expensive golf country clubs will be required to buy memberships.

If you are already a member and you like your membership you can keep your membership.

After April 2014, a different country club will be assigned for you to purchase a membership.

Government officials are exempt from this new law as they and their families and some of their friends and a few of their friends can obtain golf clubs at the taxpayers’ expense.

*            *            *            *            *

WELCOME TO THE 21st CENTURY

- Our Phones - Wireless

- Cooking - Fireless

- Cars - Keyless

- Food – Fatless

- Tires – Tubeless

- Dress – Sleeveless

- Youth – Jobless

- Leaders – Shameless

- Relationships – Meaningless

- Attitudes – Careless

- Babies – Fatherless

- Feelings – Heartless

- Education – Valueless

- Children – Mannerless

- Country – Godless

- We are speechless,

Congress is CLUELESS,

and our Politicians are .....WORTHLESS!!

God help us ALL !!

*            *            *            *            *

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.  At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.  Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.  Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'  Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.’

*            *            *            *            *

And speaking of naked . . . . .

Quickie  in the Bushes    

There are two statues in a park; one  of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do  the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

  

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. 

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

  

He asks her 'Shall we?' 

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

AND  WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???   

*            *            *            *            *

TGIF Editor’s Note: I just love the following one. It’s not new to me but I don’t think I’ve used it in many years and they are all so TRUE!

LAWS of PROBABILITY

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor; by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.

*            *            *            *            *

THE CHICKEN AND THE DONKEY

On the farm lived a Chicken and a Donkey, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the Donkey fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee-hawed' for the chicken to go get the Farmer for help!

Off the Chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the Farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the Farmer's new Z-3 silver BMW.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started the beautiful motor car and sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the Donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the Chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the Chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the Farmer's car, the Chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the Donkey!

Happy and proud, the Chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the Farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, would you believe, the Chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the Donkey to save his life! The Donkey thought for a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the Chicken to grab his Willie and he would then lift him out of the pit. The Chicken got a Good grip, and the Donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.

And the moral of the story?

When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up a chick.

*            *            *            *            *

It’s now time for this week’s TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC

GOOD-BYE GRANDPA

A father put his 3 year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'... The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.

This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

*            *            *            *            *

I hope that she signs up for the Affordable Golf Club Act!

Next week is the opening of the Sochi Olympics. So, that means it is time to submit all your Olympic jokes! Hint hint!

Have a great weekend.

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 24 January 2014

 Greetings from the frigid Northeast at the end of another week. It’s Friday so I assume that all you “working stiffs” are especially happy about that! Those of us who are now retired have to think real hard when we wake up in the morning to remember what day it is. Once we manage that first task, then we have to figure out what we are going to do on whatever day of the week it turns out to be. However, lately it has been so cold outside that all our activities are ones that we can do indoors or those that don’t require much time between the house and the car and the parking lot and the store or whatever.

Despite the cold, I did manage to ski once this week (before it got really cold) and that was because our oldest son Jonathan and his girlfriend Mary came up here from Boston for 48 hours and we went over to ski one day at Okemo Mountain on Tuesday. We managed to stay warm with the help of hand and toe warmers and frequent stops in the base lodge to warm up.

Afterwards, we took Pam out for dinner for an early celebration of her birthday, which is in a few days. Birthday greetings also go out to sister-in-law Karen, sister-in-law Martha and to my once college roommate who is now in China. In fact, he was the first one to respond to my last week’s TGIF message, by hitting reply, after I had implored all of you at the end of that edition to please refrain from doing that. There’s always one in the barrel!

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life Into 2014 ----- Remember:

1.  Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written a book. It's called ... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2.  Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3.  The difference between the Pope and your boss: the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4.  My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.

5.  The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6.  I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7.  It used to be only death and taxes. Now of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8.  A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9.  My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex.

*            *            *            *            *

Sex After Surgery

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St. Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – All we did was correct his eyesight."

*            *            *            *            *

In America We Speak English!

Overheard in a grocery store by someone in line behind another woman who was talking on her cellphone in another language. 

Ahead of her was a white man. After the woman ends the call, the white man speaks to her.

“I didn’t want to say anything while you were on your phone, but you are in America now and so you need to speak English”!

The woman says: “Excuse me?”

The man says very slowly “If you want to speak Mexican, then go back to Mexico. Here in America we speak English”.

The woman replied: “I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, then you should go back to England”!

*            *            *            *            *

The Pope died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the Pope, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the Pope, "and whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's David Cameron's clock?" asked the Pope.

"Cameron's" clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

*            *            *            *            *

Pam and I recall that Americans who we would meet in Asia, or Africa or in Europe, would “oooh and aaah” when we told them that we were from Vermont. I guess images of the rolling green mountains and their streams, the old covered bridges, the scenic little villages nestled in the valleys with church steeples and old farms with their barns and silos. Then there is the maple syrup and the beautiful fall foliage and the pine trees and snow and white Christmases. Yes indeed. What a place to live!

Here is the diary of a “flatlander” who moved to Vermont with his young bride a few months ago:

Snow Shoveler’s Diary
 

December 8     6:00 PM
 

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
 

December 9  
 

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! 
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
 
 

December 12
 

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
 

December 14
 

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
 

December 15
 

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
 

December 16
 

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
 

December 17
 

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.
 

December 20
 

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. 
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
 

December 22
 

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
 

December 23
 

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! 
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
 

December 24
 

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
 

December 25 :
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a  fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
 

December 26 : Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
 

December 27 : Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
 

December 28 : Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
 

December 29 :
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 : Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted. 

December 31 :
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.
 

January 8 :
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
 

*            *            *            *            * 

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in New Jersey were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through. 
  
  

So the good wife went out and moved her car.
  
  

A week later while they were eating breakfast again, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through. 
  
  

The good wife went out  and moved her car again.
  
  

The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
said, "We are  expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." 
  
  

Then the power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to  park on so the snow plows can get through?" 
  
  

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men in New Jersey
who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

*            *            *            *            *

THE FORTUNE TELLER

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball the fortune teller delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.

She simply had to know...

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked............."Will I be acquitted?" 

*            *            *            *            *

Time for the TGIF Golden Classic

I’ll end the edition today with a few old “Newfie” jokes.

A guy was visiting his newfie friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked him what their names were. The newfie replied  that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. His friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'  Dats easy answered the newfie 'They're watch dogs'!

*            *            *

A policeman pulls over a “Newfie” in Ontario for speeding. While he’s writing out the ticket a fly was bothering the Cop, so the Newfie says “that’s a circle fly, sir”.

The policeman asks him what a circle fly is. The Newfie says, “them are the flies you find in the barn around a horse’s ass. The policeman says, “you calling me a horse’s ass?”

“Oh no sir, I would never say a thing like that; but you know you can't fool them flies, sir”.

*            *            *            *            *

Well, our football team (the Patriots) could not upset the Denver Broncos (much to the glee of my brother Nate and my son Jonathan and my former college roommate) and so the Broncos will be playing in the SuperBowl on Ground Hog’s Day, February 2^nd, against the Seattle Seahawks. For the first time, the NFL championship game will be played outdoors in the north (outside New York City in New Jersey) and so it will likely be cold. They’re hoping there won’t be a blizzard (3% chance) or precipitation (rain or snow) (20%) or have howling strong winds (20%). But the temperature will likely be cold, probably just a little above freezing. But there is a 100% chance that there will be a lot of super big parties all over the country.

Time to wish you all a great weekend. Put another log on the fire and stay warm and relax!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 17 January 2014

Greetings on this Friday from Springfield (Home of the Simpsons) – but this one is in Vermont. There are about 16 of them in the 50 states. In 2007 when they were doing “The Simpson Movie”, they thought it would be cool to have the official opening in a town named Springfield. So, they invited a number of Springfields to compete for the honor/privilege of hosting the grand opening. They asked each of these towns to put together a video with a Simpson theme and they’d post them on YouTube and get the general public to vote for the best one. Springfield Vermont was not originally included in this short list of towns named Springfield to take part in this competition and when they protested, they were then inserted into the list. Long story short – our Springfield prepared the video that won the competition. It featured a “Homer-like” cartoon character chasing a large inner tube (that was painted to look like a giant donut) all over the town here. We happened to be home that summer (on transfer travel from Sri Lanka to Niger) when they had the grand opening here at the local Ellis Theatre. It was quite the event! It was the biggest event that our town has hosted since the visit of Charles Lindberg in 1927 after his   transatlantic flight, when 30,000 people went to see him at our local Hartness Airport.

We’ve had a bit of a January thaw and too much rain, instead of snow, and thus, lots of snow has melted or washed away over the last 10 days. The rivers are full and the ice jams have been breaking up and flowing downstream. Despite this, I managed to ski 3 days this week. On Tuesday I skied in the rain; on Wednesday – in the sun; and on Thursday – in the snow. Funny weather!!! But the skiing was pretty good all three days. My legs are complaining a bit now as I draft this; but they’ll be alright by tomorrow when I might do some snow-shoeing.

It’s a big NFL football Sunday with only 4 teams remaining in the playoffs. My brother (who lives in Colorado) and my son are still big Denver Bronco fans. I used to be from about 1970 until 1999. Then I switched back to supporting our New England Patriots. Guess who plays in the AFC championship game? Yep – the Broncos are hosting the Pats. In the NFC, the Seattle team will host the Forty-Niners from San Francisco. I have a gut feeling the Super Bowl will be between the two home teams this weekend and that Seattle will win it all. But I’ll be hoping the Pats upset the Broncos.

That’s a long intro for today’s TGIF message, but I also want to mention the movie I saw last night in that same Ellis Theatre here. “12 Years a Slave” was very well done and compelling and gut-wrenching and hard to watch at times, given the brutality during that slavery period that was graphically portrayed. Nevertheless, it is an excellent film that will no doubt win many awards.

Now, after all that, let’s hope I can find some good material to use.

Definition of Chutzpah (cheek)

A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.

"I go in at well past 9 o’clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."

The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o’clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.

The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"

*            *            * 

Staying with the ecclesiastical theme, but changing the subject…

Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to lineup in a straight row, totally naked, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction…

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos…As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up ...... and all the other bells started to ring.

*            *            *            *            *

A FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

  

In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days.  He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days.  The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. 

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case?  The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."  

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant." 

The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists." 

      

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool’s Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'  Thus, it is the opinion of this court that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.

Court is adjourned..."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!    

*            *            *            *            *

Hmmmmmmm…. There seems to be a religious theme running through the contributed material today.

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead.  I just can't take that chance!"

*            *            *            *            *

I know and have told verbally many times an American version of the following joke. But I had not seen this version before.

Welsh Humour

On a beautiful summer's day, two elderly English tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, slowly?'

The girl leaned over and said: 'Burr...gurr....king'.

*            *            *            *            *

Well – so far today we’ve had some religious humour and some Welsh humour and now it’s time for some Kiwi humour.

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. 

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey!" said Wiremu. 

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problem and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way, doc," replied Wiremu. "I'm gitting a sicond opinion, ey!" 

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also  advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. 

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last  opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness, ey."

"What's the cure thin, doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!" 

*            *            *            *            *

It’s now time for the TGIF Golden Classic

Several years ago the Tonight Show host Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman had ever had. The winner described her worst first date and there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte!!! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to flagpoles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her exposed flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what's taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!  He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'.

Jay Leno's comment...   'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

*            *            *            *            *

IMPORTANT:  PLEASE READ!

Before ending today, I do have a few important (to me) requests to make to all of you. First, please DO NOT respond directly to my TGIF message (by pressing REPLY) and tell me how good it was or how bad it was, etc. It clogs up my computer and slows it down and prevents me from opening these and any messages. I’d love to hear from you, though. So, just start a new message to me, please. Secondly, I don’t expect most of you to respond at all or contribute material. But lately I’ve noticed the things those of you who are sending stuff to my tgifjeff@gmail.com address are:  1) links to funny youtube videos; 2) photos or 3) cartoons or other stuff that I cannot use in my TGIF messages. I don’t mind receiving those in that email box but I’m just saying that that doesn’t help me to publish, only perish. Half of the emails in my tgif inbox since last week were of this kind. From the lack of new or good material being received, the TGIF days may be numbered.

Okay, nuf said and it’s time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!

Go Pats!

Cheers.

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 10 January 2014

Greetings from your Friday guy and no longer from the “TGIF dungeon” downstairs as I’ve discovered that it’s more fun being able to see out of a window here upstairs, even if it gets dark shortly after 5 p.m. and then it’s dark, and COLD!  Reminds me of George Carlin’s “hippie-dippie weather reporter” who once said “the forecast for tonight is DARK! Followed by partly light in the morning. It will be ‘high’ in the mountains and low in the valleys. It’s 20 degrees at the airport (but that’s ridiculous cuz no one actually LIVES at the airport!). It’s 110 degrees downtown – but that’s because downtown is on FIRE!” Yeah, man!

It has been cold here lately, as it’s been all over the US of A. It’s even been too cold to ski. Reminds me of the hockey game in Vancouver many years ago that got postponed because of ice! A hockey game postponed because of ice??? Well, you see it had heavily rained and then the temperatures dropped sharply below freezing and the parking lot at the arena was solid ice. So, for safety reasons, (and too much ice) they had to cancel the hockey game! True story!

I know a lot of Vermonters who escape the state for a few weeks sometime during the long and hard winter in order to enjoy some Florida or Carribean warmer weather. It helps break up the long, long Vermont winters! Which also reminds me of the old Vermont story about the farmer who lived in Guilford, Vermont – near the Massachusetts border. One day the authorities approached him on his farm and informed him that his property was actually located in the state of Massachusetts, and not in Vermont. He responded that he was okay with that, as he didn’t think he could survive another brutal Vermont winter!

This TGIF edition is dedicated to my favorite Superwoman daughter, Joya, as she turns 30 today. How appropriate that her 30^th birthday is on one of my TGIF Fridays! I can’t take any credit for that, though. Happy 30^th Joya! I promise that from now on, I will never reveal your age here in a TGIF!

Our daughter Joya’s middle name is Eleanor. Not necessarily because of Eleanor Roosevelt (although she would be a great role model!) but since both sides of our family had an Aunt Eleanor. Anyway, thanks to my friend Mitch for this quote:

“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”

Eleanor Roosevelt 

*            *            *            *            *

Winter Weather Warning 

 The federal government has issued the following travel warning.

Anyone traveling in blizzard conditions should carry the following:

1.  Shovel.

2.  Blankets or sleeping bag.

3.  Extra clothing, including hat and gloves.

3.  24 hours' worth of food. 

5.  De-icer.

6.  Rocksalt.

7.  Flashlight with spare batteries.

8.  Road flares or reflective triangles.

9.  Full spare gas can.

10.  First aid kit.

11.  Booster cables.

I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning

*            *            *            *            *

Cocktail Party Musings

These are such great fillers for when I have a general lack of material………. (hint… hint…)

Did you know that changing to Geico can save you 15 minutes?

Everybody knows that! But did you know that?:

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite number of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water.

When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers. That is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
(TGIF Editor: I believe that in fact that this one is NOT true. I was lowered on a kind of swing into a well in northern Mali in 1979 that was about 80 metres deep. I had hoped to see stars from down there. But I did not. But my memory from that event was that it was very hard to breathe as there was very little oxygen down there.)

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

*            *            *            *            *

Viva la France!

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception  and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he has just been arrested.

The Englishman answers with great humour:

“No! Do you know that this is a British car and that my wife is the driver... on the other side???

*            *            *            *            *

CONTEMPORARY PHILOSOPHERS

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ John Glenn

*****

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

~ Desmond Tutu

*****

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

~ David Letterman

*****

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.

God dammit, I'm a billionaire.

~ Howard Hughes

*****

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

~ Italian proverb

*****

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

~ Betsy Salkind

*****

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Jean Kerr

*****

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

*****

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

~ Jeff Foxworthy

*****

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Prince Philip

*****

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Emo Philips.

*****

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Harrison Ford

*****

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

~ Spike Milligan

*****

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

~ Robin Hall

*****

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~ Jean Rostand.

*****

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I was just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

*****

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

~ WH Auden

*****

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

~ Jonathan Katz

*****

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Johnny Carson

*****

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

~ Arthur C. Clarke

*****

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Steve Martin

*****

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ Jimmy Durante

*****

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

~ Doug Hamwell

*****

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ George Roberts

*****

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

~ Jonathan Winters

*            *            *            *            *

It is time for the TGIF Golden Classic.

ALWAYS ASK - NEVER ASSUME

His request approved, the Bulletin Newspaper
photographer quickly used his mobile phone to call the Townsville airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane
would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane
warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut,
and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane
into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed
the pilot, 'Fly over Mount Stuart and make
low passes so I can take pictures
of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for the Bulletin'
he responded,' and I need to get
some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment,
finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

"Life is short! Drink the good wine first."

*            *            *            *            *

Time now to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!

Take care and don’t do anything I wouldn’t!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 03 January 2014

Greetings from your Friday guy on this first Friday of 2014. I take this opportunity to wish you all a very healthy, happy and prosperous new year!

It was great having our three kids here for the week around Christmas. And then on the weekend after Xmas, our niece, nephew and his wife, also spent an overnight here with their cousins who they don’t get to see all that often. They exchanged funny gifts and played their own invention of “beer pong” which still involved drinking beer. Thank God that I bought some cheap brews for them to use, instead of my good stuff.

We’ve had about 15 inches of snow already before Christmas, and then a few days ago we had another 4 inches. Our son Phil got to make a few runs on his snowboard down our back hill trail on the 30^th before he headed back to the sunny/warm climes of San Diego. It’s been real cold since then and on Thursday, we got hit by the latest storm which dumped another foot of snow on us here.

Hopefully, the roads will be plowed, sanded and salted by the afternoon so that we can get ready to head down to Massachusetts to attend the baby shower for our nephew Caleb’s wife Beth, which is on Saturday. We’ll combine this trip with a visit to my Dad who lives near there and recently turned 97!

It’s now time to turn this introduction over to my “other half” (and proofreader) in order to present our first piece for today.

Pam here, Jeff’s wife, with my first ever contribution to the TGIF, are the lyrics of a fun song I heard recently performed by our wonderful local community chorus at their Christmas concert—one that our women’s singing group in Manila (called “The Asia Minors”) regularly sang during the holiday season with audience appreciation; enjoy!

THE TEWELVE DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS

The first day after Christmas my true love and I had a fight,

And so I chopped the pear tree down and burned it just for spite.

Then with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partridge,

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas, I pulled on the old rubber gloves,

And very gently wrung the necks of both the turtle doves.

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The third day after Christmas, my mother caught the croup;

I had to use the three French hens to make some chicken soup.

The four calling birds were a big mistake, for their language was obscene.

The five gold rings were completely fake and they turned my fingers green .

The sixth day after Christmas, the six laying geese wouldn't lay,

I gave the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A.

On the seventh day what a mess I found,

All seven of the swimming swans had drowned.

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The eighth day after Christmas, before they could suspect,

I bundled up the eight maids a milking, nine pipers piping, ten ladies dancing, 'leven lords a leaping, twelve drummers drumming and sent them back collect.

I wrote my true love, "We are through, love",

and I said in so many words,

"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the birds!"

*            *            *            *            *

ELK SEX .....   

 Two Norwegians were drinking in a bar.   

One said, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"  

"Aw, crap...." said his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!”

*                  *                  *                  *                  *

An Irishman‘s text to his wife:

Mary, My rose, I'm just having one more pint with the lads.

If I'm not back in 20 minutes, read this message again.

*            *            *            *            *

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as ahigh school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence.....

The rest of the year went very smoothly.

*            *            *            *            *

IS GOD GOOD OR WHAT?

A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.

               

She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. 

               

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.

               

Within minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

               

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this coat hanger to unlock my car?"

               

He said "Sure."  He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

               

She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice

man."

               

The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."

               

The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a

Professional!"

*            *            *            *            *

A Male Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said, "No!!!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he as at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

-THE END -

*            *            *            *            *

The Genie Lamp

A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The man thinks for a moment and says,
"I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after a Labour government balances the budget and eliminates the debt."

"You crafty bugger," said the genie.

*            *            *            *            *

Painting the Church

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. 

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. 

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless

paint.

Smokey was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: 

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" 

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.. 

"Repaint!  Repaint!

 And thin no more!"

*            *            *

Ah come on-- ya musta seen that coming!

*            *            *            *            *

Christmas Day Golf

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --' She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”

*            *            *            *            *

It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic!

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I
realized that at my age I don't really give a fig anymore.  And if
walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise
doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise??  I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older I've discovered:   I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.   My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.  I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.   Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.  Funny too, I don't remember being absent-minded.  If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?  It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant;  the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.  I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.  Kids in the back seat cause accidents.  Accidents in the back seat cause kids.  It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.  The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.   If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.  When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.  It's not hard to meet expenses.... they're everywhere.   The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter, I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm "here after".

*            *            *            *            *

That “here after” reminds me of an old “Laugh-In” routine that some of you might remember, I think. Noreen?

Anyway, I hope you all enjoy a fantastic Friday and have a wonderful weekend!

And I wish you all the best in the new year 2014!

TGI-Jeff