TGIF - 14 December 2012

Greetings from the TGIF dungeon in mid-December as we approach the winter solstice in the northern hemisphere. Obviously, the TGIF membership shows a strong bias towards the northern hemisphere, although there are many members who live below the equator. I must admit that although I do love all the different seasons of the year that one experiences north of the tropics, I am a little envious of those ‘down under’ now as their summer nears. Here the furnace is running often to keep us warm here inside as the temperatures outside are below freezing. If we had some snow on the ground, it might seem better, but the only snow on the ground around here is at the ski areas, where they have “man-made” snow on many of the slopes, getting ready for the big Christmas – New Years week with lots and lots of skiers and snowboarders.

My last issue was at the end of November and this might be the only issue in the month of December. So many other things to do - like get out greeting cards and shop and prepare the place for the arrival of family and travel to visit family in other locations. May you all enjoy this festive holiday season with your respective families!

Let’s see what the few of you who pay not only your dues, but the dues of 95% of the other TGIF recipients, have to allow me to share with you this Friday. Yes, it’s Friday, Thank God, and one of my friends and colleague and ManCity supporter is retiring today from the World Bank. Godspeed, Peter! Hope you and Jan can come to visit us in Vermont now. (He and Jan and her relatives are frequent contributors to the TGIF, by the way. But you can’t blame only them for the quality of the jokes used!) Maybe it’s time to start thinking about organizing a reunion of the UN Country Team of Sri Lanka (circa 2002-2006)! What a great group that was!

I wish I had some new Christmas jokes to share with you this year, but it seems that there are no NEW ones, except maybe this short one:

Christmas - What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Let’s start off today with a short pop quiz.

1 - Which president initiated Thanksgiving Day?

2 - Who are the tallest first ladies?

3 - Which five presidents are NOT buried in the United States?

I’ll give you a few minutes to think about it and write your answers down on a twenty dollar bill and mail it to me. If you get all 3 right, you’ll get your twenty back!!! Ha ha.

Look for the answers after the next joke.

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A man goes to see the Pastor.

"Pastor, something bad is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Pastor asked, "What is wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Pastor, very surprised by this asks "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Pastor then offers "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A few days later the Pastor calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said "Yes" and the Pastor replied, "Take the poison!"

*            *            *            *            * 

Answers to the quiz: 

1 - Abraham Lincoln, to promote unity. (in 1863)

2 - Eleanor Roosevelt and Michelle Obama: both measured 5 feet 11 inches.

3 - Carter, the two Bushes, Clinton and Obama.  Dey ain't dead yet.

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Women are angels, but when someone breaks their wings, they simply continue to fly, on a broom stick. They're flexible like that.

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The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

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LIPSTICK PROBLEM

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers...... And then there are educators!

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And speaking of educators:

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her,

"Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

*            *            *            *            *

THE GOOD WIFE

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Minneapolis were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so Snowplows can get through conveniently".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the power went off.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"

*            *            *            *            *

And speaking of Minnesota: OLE’ WON A FISHING BOAT!

Ole won a fishing boat in a raffle drawing in a small upstate Minnesota town.  

He brought it home and Lena looked at him and said, "Vot da heck you gonna do vit dat.  Dere ain't no water deep enough ta float a boat widin 50 miles uv here."  

Ole said, "I vun it and I'ma gonna keep it."  

Sven came over to visit several days later.  He saw Lena and asked where Ole was.  

She said, "He's out dere in his fishin boat," pointing to the field behind the house.  

Sven headed out behind the house and saw his brother sitting in a fishing boat with a fishing rod in his hand - down in the middle of the big field.  

He yelled out to him, "Vot da heck are you doing out dere?"    

Ole replied, "I'ma fishin'. Vot da heck duz it look like I'ma doing?"

Sven yelled back, "It's a people lika you dat give people from Norvay a bad name;  make everybody tink we are stoopid. If I cud svim, I'd come out dere and kick yor ass."

*            *            *            *            *    

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news" says the surgeon.

"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant". "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again!"

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved". "That's great" said the surgeon.

"Not only that" continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours!" "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well just one problem" said the golfer... "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache".

*            *            *            *            *

Did you hear about the fellow who invested in a paper towel company and a revolving door company? He was wiped out before he could turn around.

*            *            *            *            *

THE  MEDIUM

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her racing mind. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"



For some reason, wives tend to like this joke........

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Somebody should open a bar called The Gym. Then I could be one of those people who brag about going there every day.

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Christmas TGIF Golden Classic

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

Paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

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And so this December edition of the TGIF comes to an end.

No matter what religion you follow, I wish you all happy end of year holidays, happy winter solstice and happy new year! And I wish you will keep your TGIF editor in mind when you receive a good new joke and share it with me, so that I can continue this hobby well into the new year. 

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 30 November 2012

Greetings from TGI-Jeff on this, the last Friday and last day of November. It’s not Black Friday – that was last Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. Why does it seem that every possible shopping day between Thanksgiving and Christmas now has a name?!!! This week we had Cyber Monday (internet shopping deals) and so forth. I learned last week that Abraham Lincoln (our 16^th US President – 1860 to 1865) declared in 1863 that Thanksgiving Day would henceforth be the fourth Thursday of November. I have always been confused as to whether it is the 3^rd or the 4^th Thursday of the month. Voila! Now I know the root of that confusion. I probably learned as a lad in school that Lincoln had declared the 4^th Thursday as Thanksgiving Day. But it seems that during the Great Depression in the 1930s, our President Roosevelt (FDR) issued a proclamation moving it from the 4^th Thursday to the 3^rd Thursday of November! Why? - so that we’d have more days of Christmas shopping between Thanksgiving and Christmas Day! In last week’s issue I asked the question as to why last Friday is called Black Friday. It’s because for many retailers, they are in business all year in order to move from the red ink (deficit) into the black ink (profits) and it is the Christmas Shopping Season which enables that to happen. See? It’s nice even for an old geezer like me to learn something new. Only problem is that I’ll probably forget this by next year!

Last week I also mentioned the General Petraeus affair and how it was all over the media during the previous 10 days. Following that I used a quote:

Way too many generals are taking orders from their privates.

Well, in response, one of my friends sent in the following quote, similar to the one above:

I've also heard it said that Admirals should be mindful of how they deploy their seamen.

*            *            *            *            *

The most discussed political news of this past week has been all about the US deficit and whether we are going to fall off the “Fiscal Cliff” on or before January First 2013. En francais, c’est la precipice budgetaire!

The problem, simply put, is that our deficit is growing out of all proportion and we need to reduce that by reducing spending and increasing revenues. The “Dems” and the “Repubs” can’t agree on how to do that. The Republicans want to make cuts to many of the “entitlement programs” (Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid, etc.) while limiting tax increases for corporations and the wealthiest Americans.  The Democrats want to increase revenues by taxing the wealthiest Americans (those earning over $250,000 per year) at a higher rate than at present, while maintaining social programs. Meanwhile, the federal deficit is increasing and will be a huge burden on our future generations. The tax breaks for all Americans will expire at the end of this year and so everyone will be affected, either directly or indirectly.

But are most Americans engaged in this hugely important issue?

No, they are stocking up on Hostess Twinkies. That’s right. The Hostess Company is going out of business.

HOW  the  HOSTESS  COMPANY  is being divided up
 

You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants are shutting down due to a workers' strike.

But you may not have heard how it will be split up.

The State Department hired all the Twinkies; the Secret Service hired all the HoHos; the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.

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CHOCOLATE  BARS

Sipho and Thabo entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, Sipho stole 3 Bar-one chocolates.

As they left the store, Sipho said to Thabo: "Man I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 Bar-ones chocolates and no one saw me, u cant beat that"

Thabo replied: "You wanna see something better, let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"

So they went to the counter and Thabo said to the Shop owner: "Do you wanna see magic?" The shop owner replied: "Yes." Thabo said: "Give me one Bar-one chocolate." The shop owner gave him one, and he ate it. He asked for the second, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shop owner asked: "But where's the magic?"

Thabo replied: “Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them!”

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Some British Humour

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you Mr. Cameron?"

Cameron replied, "Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like!”

*            *            *            *            *

MY DOCTOR.

Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good!

If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again.

One time he gave a patient six months to live.  At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill. So, the doctor gave him another six months.

While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, “Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible.” The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."

Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor, - my son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly replied, "Well let's just wait and see what develops."

One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."

The doctor asked, "When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?"

I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice:  "Don't answer it."

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.  One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."  The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these - if they don't work, give me a ring."

Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.

You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment; then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

*            *            *            *            *

A warning to all for all the festive holiday gatherings: Enjoy, but in moderation. Don’t overindulge with all the good food and drink. And certainly don’t drink and then drive!

DRINKING  and  DRIVING

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.

*            *            *            *            *

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!

*            *            *

Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

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Aspire to inspire before you expire.

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My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

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Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

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Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

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The irony of life is that, by the time  you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

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God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

*            *            *

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.


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The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

*            *            *            *            *

PSYCHOLOGY AND LAW.....

A guy asked a girl in a library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was rather embarrassed. After a couple of minutes the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed right?”

The guy responded with a loud voice:
$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in
her ears; “I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”

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Time for a TGIF Golden Classic.

It’s About What All Women Hope For – The Perfect Man

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab; things happened like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."  

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"  

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f------' widow."  

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Thirty Days Hath September, April, June and ………  (should be November)

The Speed Offender

Burma Shave

Tomorrow is December 1^st and World AIDS Day.

I’ve been enjoying the full moon the last few days. It’s so bright and will be even brighter during the night once we have some snow on the ground here – which is not too far off.

Have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!

See you next Friday!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 23 November 2012 (Thanksgiving)

Greetings from your TGIF editor. Whether you get this on Thursday (Thanksgiving Day in the USA) or on Friday (the usual day) or later, I hope you enjoy the material. I have 2 families: my WFP family who are in Rome and also scattered all over the world. Then I have my family and friends who are not associated with the best humanitarian organization in the world. Alpha Bah, who has managed the internal WFP TGIF address list since I retired, has been presented with lots of challenges over the recent past with changes to WFP’s email system. He plans on setting up a TGIF Blog where we can post my Friday messages and all of you in WFP can access them that way. I think it’s a good idea.

The General Petraeus affair, so to speak, has been right up there. All over the media during the last 10 days.

Great quote, sad subject:

Way too many generals are taking orders from their privates.

*            *            *

Unconfirmed rumor:

Bill Clinton has asked Paula Broadwell to write his biography.

*            *            *            *            *

But seriously, what the nation is most concerned about is the Fiscal Cliff that apparently we are about to fall over on 1 January 2013. No, wait! It’s actually whether or not Hostess Twinkies and Ding Dongs will be available in the near future or if that company will disappear. Really? Are you all serious? No wonder we in the USA have such an obesity issue!

I also have an update on the two oxen, Bill and Lou, who worked on the Green Mountain (verde montagne – or Ver-Mont) College farm: it seems that Lou had to be euthanized due to health issues, while the debate continues. More later.

Meanwhile, after an Asian trip by President Obama to Myanmar (also known as Burma) and Cambodia (to meet with the ASEAN leaders at their summit in Phnom Penh) he has returned to Washington DC just in time to pardon a couple of turkeys on the eve of Thanksgiving. No, those turkeys are NOT House Speaker John Boehner and Senator Mitch McConnell. But they are turkeys! Gobble gobble!

Okay, it’s time to jump into the material that the contributing members of the TGIF have provided. So, if you haven’t paid your dues by contributing something, you can’t complain!

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A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

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Modern dictionary / thesaurus

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will- power is defeated by feminine water-power!

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

CLASSIC:
A book which people praise, but never read.

SMILE:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight!

OFFICE:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

YAWN:
The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth.

EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their mistakes.

DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip

OPTIMIST:
A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

MISER:
A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!

FATHER:
A banker provided by nature

BOSS:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

POLITICIAN:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence later.

DOCTOR:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by his bills!

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A PRIEST’S RETIREMENT DINNER

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister in law. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people...'

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!

*            *            *            *            *

SENIOR DRESS CODE

Many of us 'Old Folks' (over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young', we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Mini skirts and varicose veins

*            *            *            *            *

CHERIE'S CHAUFFEUR

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.

'The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

"You were driving; go and tell the farmer" says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns, totally plastered. His hair is ruffled and he has a big grin on his face.

"My goodness, what happened to you?" asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies:  "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, his wife gave me a slap-up meal and their daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Cherie.

"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them:  I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

*            *            *            *            * 

GENDER BENDER

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman as President of the United
States from Iowa.

A few days after the election, the president-elect calls her father in Omaha and asks, “So, Dad, I
assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

”I don't think so. It's a long drive; your mom isn't as young as she used to be, we'll have the dog with us, and my arthritis is acting up in my knee.”

“Don't worry about it, Dad, I'll send Air Force One or another support aircraft to pick you up and take you home, and a limousine will pick you up at your door,” she said.

”I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”

”Oh, Dad,” she replied, “I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by one of the best
designers in New York.”

”Honey,” Dad complained, “You know we can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.”

The President-elect responded, “Don't worry, Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in D.C. And I'll ensure your meals are salt-free. Dad, I really want you to come.”

So her parents reluctantly agreed, and on January 20, 2024 arrived to see their daughter sworn in as President of the United States.

The parents of the new President are seated in the front row. The President's dad sees that a Senator is sitting next to him and leans over and whispers, “You see that woman up there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?”

The Senator whispered in reply, “Yes, sir, I sure do.”

Dad says proudly, “Her brother played football at Iowa”.

*            *            *            *            *

It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic

At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink one.

The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Welshman, approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the boyo who painted it!" he replied. "In fact, there are no Black men depicted at all. They're just three Welsh miners. Him in the middle went home for lunch."

*            *            *            *            *

We here in the USA are looking forward to the family gatherings over the holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Pam and I are going to have 2 Thanksgivings this year. One on the 22^nd in Hanover NH with her parents and our son, Jon. Then, on Satruday, we are hosting a Thanksgiving meal here in Springfield with Pam’s parents and her brother and wife. So, we get two good meals with family for the price of one and plenty of good leftovers to savor over the next days. The diet will resume in early December.

I don’t think anyone in our family will be going out shopping on Black Friday! I’m not prejudiced, but why is it called Black Friday???

So, let’s close with a wish for a Happy Thanksgiving and a happy beginning to the end of year holiday season.

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 16 November 2012

Greetings from the TGIF corner downstairs near the furnace and warmth. Actually, after some warm weather last weekend through Monday, the outdoor temperatures are back to “seasonal” which means “normal for this time of year” I guess. But with global warming, what anymore is normal? At the beginning of the week we had (I guess) “unseasonably warm” temperatures in the high 60s (20 C), with bright sun, although very low in the sky. About this time last week, they had predicted that the winter storm Athena (a nor’easter) was to produce anywhere from 3 to 6 inches of snow on us. So much for accurate weather predictions! We didn’t get any snow. I’m not complaining, mind you! Since we didn’t get any snow, all the men in the neighborhood spent last weekend sitting atop their riding mowers blowing, mulching or collecting the last fallen leaves on their lawns, since they didn’t have to use their snow throwers, as expected.

Unfortunately, the areas and people hit hardest by Hurricane Sandy did get the snow on top of the mess they had. Many of the hardest hit areas are now getting their electricity back now. Several crews from Vermont have been working down in those areas. Just as crews from other states (and national guards) came to Vermont last year in the wake of the flooding damages caused by Irene.

I also mentioned in last week’s edition that I didn’t know until then that they had started naming winter storms. Well, it seems that the Weather Channel has decided to do that, while the National Weather Bureau is opposed to this practice, and therefore refuses to go along. Controversy. But hopefully there will be no more controversy over whether global warming is fact or fiction. Although if there had been a vote on that among Americans, it might have been just as close as that of the recent presidential election, between the red and blue states.

I beg all of my friends and former colleagues in WFP to have some patience and understanding as Alpha has been combating a lot of challenges in moving his TGIF address list over to the new system. I feel sorry for him. None of you would be receiving this Friday message if it were not for him and so I hope you appreciate his “service” and extra work. When I left WFP I agreed to continue to do a Friday TGIF only if someone would volunteer to manage the internal WFP address list. He was the only one who volunteered. (I have since told him many times that he should have known that old army adage that said you should NEVER volunteer for anything.) But he did and we should recognize this, during this month (November) that is “Volunteerism” appreciation month.

Let’s see what we have to hopefully bring a smile or chuckle to you this week.

*            *            *            *            *

Decease of Choice

An old woman was asked.....
”At your ripe old age, what would you prefer to get, Parkinsons or Alzheimers?”

The wise one answered, “Definitely Parkinsons.....
Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle!”

*            *            *            *            *

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

*            *            *            *            *

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl / tzitzis and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. 

So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there”.

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
 

*            *            *            *            *

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass of wine to taste.

The old Chief tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please."

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass."

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

The old Navy Chief tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

*            *            *            *            *

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything."

*            *            *            *            *

Best Cowboy Pick-Up Line Ever

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. 

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it...'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?

'What's so special about it?'

The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken... because I am wearing panties!'

The cowboy chuckles, taps his watch and says .... 'Damn thing's an hour fast'.

*            *            *            *            *

MEMORY   TRICK   for   SENIORS

A couple of senior women were chatting recently about the complexity of using their computers and the need for passwords that they never remember.

Agnus says to Mildred “You know, Mildred, I have decided to change my password to ‘incorrect’.

Mildred queries her, “Agnus, why would you do that?”

“Because that way when the computer says ‘Your password is incorrect’ I’ll know what it is!” replies Agnus.

*            *            *            *            *

Two-Line Poetry Competition

THESE  ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING 
FOR  A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1.   My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2.   I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3.   Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4.   Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5.   I thought that I could love no other ...
that is, until I met your brother.

6.   Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

7.   I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9.   My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10.   My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11.   What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

*            *            *            *            *

Some advice to recent migrants and those planning to move to “down under” far away country will do well to follow the example of the Chinese migrant!

Welcome to Australia - Learning a new customs

A Chinaman decides to retire and move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a small piece of land.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinaman running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinaman urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinaman leading a bull down the drive-way, ...pause...., and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinaman and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you.'

The Chinaman is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no ... Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'

“Yes they are; man at travel agent tell me” replied the Chinaman, “He say to become true Australian, I must learn to.....chase chicks,..... get piss drunk, and .... listen to bull-shit.'

*            *            *            *            *

THE   CARDIOLOGIST   AND   THE   HONDA   MECHANIC

A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make £24,000 a year and you make £1.7M  when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic....

"Try doing it with the engine running!”

*            *            *            *            *

TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC

(Editor’s Note: I realize that it is a bit of a stretch to have a golden-oldie from the future, but …)

Out of this World

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc....

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.
As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies.
'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

*            *            *            *            *

And all I am doing is pulling your leg.

It’s time to wrap this one up with my usual wish for you all to have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend. Enjoy every minute of it because Monday will arrive way too soon, as usual.

Seeya next week, if the creek don’t rise.

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 09 November 2012

Greetings from the TGIF dungeon where the temperature down here, near the furnace, is a lot warmer than it is in other parts of the house. So, I’m not too fussed about spending the time necessary to produce a message this week that can be sent out on Friday – Thank God!

The cleanup and restoration of electricity to many of the areas devastated by “Sandy” 10 days ago continues. One of my regular contributors lives in New Jersey and was without power for one week. Now the same area is under attack from a Nor’easter (storm) that is dumping heavy wet snow on the same areas hit by Sandy just a mere 10 days ago. Sorry, guys and gals!

The end of campaign season and the election this past Tuesday has been the predominate news this week. In fact, it’s been the predominate news for all too long and most of us are glad that it is finally over. And most of us are pleased with the outcome. I hope that both parties will now agree to work with each other to find some solutions to some major issues – like the huge financial deficit issue – and how we can cut spending and share the burden proportionally.

While the final vote was relatively close between the Obama-Biden ticket and the Romney-Ryan ticket in the 50 states, I saw last week a story about how internationally, most people in most countries wanted Obama to win. I believe that there were only 2 countries who opted for Romney over Obama. One was Pakistan and the other may have been Israel. (I think Bibi thought Romney would better help Israel deal with Iran – whatever that potentially dreadful outcome might have meant!)

Anyway, we are happy that the long campaign is over and a result is at hand (and not in the hands of lawyers or courts – even supreme ones!)

But the campaign had its ups and downs, as we see from the following one:

*            *            *            *            *

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing  FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm Mitt Romney. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said. 

"How old are they?" asked Romney.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Republicans," answered Suzy with a smile.

Romney was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. 

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Romney should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Romney got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Democrats."

Taken by surprise, the Romney stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were REPUBLICANS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open." 

*            *            *            *            *

I was going to state that other than Sandy and the Election of 2012, there hasn’t been much news to report from here this week. But then, there are some more regional and local stories that have dominated the media recently. One of those involves two oxen (Bill and Lou) who have worked on the farm of Green Mountain College in Poultney Vermont for the last decade. About 6 weeks ago, the GM College announced that these two (one suffering from a serious physical issue) would be slaughtered and fed to the student body as, presumably, burgers, after having tilled the farms of the college for more than ten years. Once this decision became public, a huge uproar ensued with students, animal rights groups, administrators of the college (trying to explain their position that this would be the logical conclusion for these two loved animals that had served the college for years and would continue to serve – or be served) and the general public all jumping in.  More than 40,000 people from around the world (thanks to social media) have signed petitions and sent letters and pleas to the college in hopes of saving Bill and Lou’s lives. There have been protests organized and letters to the editor and more. Even the Vermont governor entered the fray and declared that he would not “grant a pardon” for Bill and Lou. He supports the college’s decision and understands the decision many farmers have to make after their cattle have reached the end of their working lives. “They have good beef to offer and we ought to eat them,: Governor Shumlin said. “I support Green Mountain College. I support their decision to exercise death with dignity.”

Due to all the public attention it seems that GMC is reconsidering this matter. Stay tuned as I’m sure we haven’t heard the end of this yet.

One other local story that caught my attention this last week:

Report of Naked Man on Road

Brattleboro, VT. – Vermont State Police investigating a report of a naked man on a highway have instead found a mannequin.

Authorities say they received a complaint Thursday night that there was a naked man in the area of Exit 3 on Interstate 91 in Brattleboro.

When troopers arrived, they say they found a male mannequin in the breakdown lane.

State police say if anyone is missing a mannequin to contact the Brattleboro barracks.

(I am picturing all the TGIF non-native English speakers trying to figure out the above story through consulting their dictionaries. Oh my! There is “mannequin”; “troopers”; “breakdown lane” and “barracks”. Good luck!)

*            *            *            *            *

Here in America we are well into the American football season. High School games are usually played under the lights on Friday nights. The college games are usually on Saturdays (afternoon and evening) and the professional games mainly on Sundays. The high school seasons are either already over or will be soon. The college season is entering its last month and now vying for berths in conference championship games and end of year/New Year bowl games, as well as the BCS national championship. (The NFL – the pros – season goes on well into the playoffs in January, leading up to the SuperBowl which is played the end of January or the first days of February.) There are currently 4 top-ranked undefeated college teams (Alabama, Oregon, Kansas State and Notre Dame) and if they all make it through their last 2 or 3 games without a loss, it will create a real problem for the BCS to pick just 2 of them to play for the national title. Interesting.

While there are such things as “student athletes”, the stereotype of a very good college football player is that they are big dumb lugs.

And that stereotype is the basis of the following, which I received in different versions from a few of you during the last few weeks.

College Football Fun

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

*            *            *

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

*            *            *

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

Drool.

*            *            *

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.

*            *            *

How did the Missouri football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.

*            *            *

What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football player's life?

Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.

*            *            *

Two Oklahoma football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

*            *            *

A University of Texas football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.

*            *            *

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit?"

"Will the defendant please rise."

*            *            *

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.

*            *            *

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

*            *            *

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.

*            *            *

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

*            *            *

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

*            *            *

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

*            *            *

How do you get a former Kansas football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

*            *            *

Why does the University of Iowa have AstroTurf on the field?

So the cheerleaders won't graze at halftime

*            *            *

What did the former Iowa State football player say to the former Iowa football player?

You want fries with that?

*            *            *            *            *

A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.

"Sure," said the pro, "What's your handicap?"

Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, it's 16," said the businessman, "but what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?" 

"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle. Again, the businessman was surprised, but decided to ask no questions. They arrived on the 1st hole, a par-4.

"It's wise to avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head.

The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the Black Mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa. You're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par-5. "Good to avoid those bushes on the right," saysthe caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball sliced and went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once again, and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.

"I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a par-3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of thegreen and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.

"Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy. "This is the 17th handicap hole. You don't get a shot here."

And that, my golfing friends, is why you should never lie about your handicap!

*            *            *            *            * 

Another reason you shouldn’t lie about your handicap (or lie in the other direction, called “sandbagging”) is that way you have a better chance of winning club competitions where your handicap is used to give you a better net score over your competitors who lie about their handicaps (or use “gimmees” or “mulligans”).

This first nor’easter storm dumped a lot of snow on New Jersey, New York and Connecticut, many of the areas that were slammed by Sandy just 10 days ago. It’s the first time that I’ve heard of them naming winter storms – as this one was called Athena. Now, I hear that the next big winter storm is in the northwest and it is called Brutus. There could be blizzard conditions in Montana and lots of snow over the Rockies. I wonder when they started naming winter storms. I hope we don’t go threw the whole alphabet this winter!!!

In a few days, we honor our war veterans (11-11) for their service and I join in this appreciation for their service.

Meanwhile, I wish you all a great weekend.

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 26 October 2012

Greetings from back down in the TGIF dungeon as we now approach theend of October. Even though many of you TGIF message recipients around the globe are having today (Friday, of course) off on holiday and may receive this or read it at a later date, I’ve decided to try and issue one today for those of you who expect one and will give me a hard

time, once again, if I shirk my responsibility too often. I say that without first looking into my inbox to see if I have material worth

providing. Let me have a peek.

Okay, I’ve pulled out a few that are presentable, and a few that are not, but I’ve buried those in the middle somewhere where many of you will not get to or skip over. I may be back on duty but my censor isnot. Some of you may appreciate that fact, while some of you may not.

Let me start off with this one that was sent in since my trip to Rome by a friend and former colleague who does not often send in

contributions but was reminded of this one when he saw my last TGIF’s reference to my having visited Rome.

*       *       *

After many years of teaching Latin in Catholic schools in the US, an elderly teacher made her first ever trip to Europe.

When she arrived in Rome she thought, “I wonder if my Latin will help me speak to all these Italians?”

So she went to Piazza Navona, approached an equally elderly and well-dressed gentleman and asked him some questions in fluent Latin.

She received no response and somewhat frustrated was about ready to leave when the gentleman turned towards her.

She was thrilled he was going to talk to her until he responded to her in perfect English: “Judging from your speech, it’s obviously been a long time since your last visit!”

*       *       *       *       *

GLADYS

Gladys failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Centre today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

Apparently, " 'F***ing' big ones," was the wrong answer.

*       *       *       *       *

The Dead Cow and Vet School

First-year students at the Edinburgh Veterinary School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered witha white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example' he said as he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger up the dead cow's bum, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.'

'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

*       *       *       *       *

I think I see a theme emerging here, about veterinarians.

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.

It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this?

How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

*       *       *       *       *

All Saints Day is next week and thus, so is All Hallows Eve, or Halloween. So, let’s see if I can scare you.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of thestreet toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP....

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

right on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the bathroom door.

Bumping and clapping toward him...

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and, (hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops!!!!!

(I don’t write them, I just pass them along.)

*       *       *       *       *

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

*       *       *       *       *

Here is an updated version of an old one; this time in the context of Afghanistan, a British soldier and a Taliban.

THE   BRITISH   WAY

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If youcontinue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need.

Inshallah."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration &rasped .... "They won't let me in without a bloody tie!”

*       *       *       *       *

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely. Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

*       *       *       *       *

OUT FISHING – or the tale of the big Bic lighter

Bob and Ralph were out fishing on the lake when Bob pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ralph if he had a light.

'Ya,  shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Ralph replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter that was 10

inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Bob, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Ralph, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Bob asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ralph.

'Could I see him?'

Ralph opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the Genie, Bob says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Bob asks the Genie for a Million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Bob sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of  ….. A million ducks.....  flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks, Bob yells at Ralph, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks,

not a  million ducks!'

Ralph answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

*       *       *       *       *

I don’t get it!!!???!!!

So, now it’s time for the TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC:

BRAN   FLAKES

Geoff and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty

years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because

they carefully watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to

Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another

holiday vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He

took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks,

with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A

maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They

gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be

your home now.'

Geoff asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why,

nothing,' St. Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in

Heaven.'

Geoff looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf

course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?' grumbled Geoff.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Geoff. This is Heaven, it is all

free for you to enjoy.'

Geoff looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the

low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as

much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Geoff.

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again'

Geoff glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your Bloody Bran Flakes. We

could have been here ten years ago!'

*       *       *       *       *

Heaven looks like a nice place but not sure I’ll get in. Besides most

of my friends are probably going to that other place, anyway.

I hear that the East Coast of the USA could be in for a big storm in a

few days – seems to be the combination of a tropical storm coming up

the coast, colliding with some other fronts coming in from the Midwest

and the North. We may have to batten down the hatches again.

There was an earthquake not all that far from here (the epicenter was

in Maine) about 10 days ago that we felt here, with the floor shaking

and so forth. We don’t have them that often in New England.

I wish all my Muslim friends a happy Eid holiday.

For the rest of you, have a fantastic Friday, wonderful weekend and a

Happy Halloween!

Seeya later.

TGI-Jeff