TGIF - 28 February 2014

Greetings from the Friday guy. My trip to Colorado was postponed for a few weeks and so, after taking last week off, I figured I’d better try to produce one for this Friday.

We’ve had our share of snow this winter and most people who have stayed around here, and not gone south, are fed up with it all already! Me included. But it is good for the skiing industry and Vermont’s economy. At the end of last week we had a few warm days (up to 50 degrees F) and then it rained all one day. But this week, the cold returned and in the next several days/week it is to be much colder than normal for this time of year.

Over the last few weeks I enjoyed watching much in the Sochi Winter Olympics, but especially the ice hockey, both men’s and women’s.  Canada still reigns supreme in that. Russia won the most medals with the USA a close second.  Canada, Norway and the Netherlands also won a lot of ‘em.

Let’s see what you all have provided for me to “pick and choose” some selections for today.

Thoughts

- Monday is an awful way to spend a seventh of your life.

- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

- You never learn to swear until you learn to drive.

- You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!

- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

*            *            *            *            *

MARIJUANA & MARRIAGE

For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws – legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense, because Leviticus 20:13 says:

"If a man lies with another man, they should be stoned."

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before.

*            *            *            *            *

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: 

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife". 

*            *            *            *            *

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

(Some of these are old, but some are new. TGI-Jeff)

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one.  So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.  I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then, it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs'.

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.  Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

AMEN

*            *            *            *            *

A Redneck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

"I'm taking Earlene with me."

(I know that you all saw that one coming!)

*            *            *            *            *

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware... Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman...

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.

We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters...'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.' 

                               

*            *            *            *            *

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scottish Husband?

He was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, “Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.”

 She replied, “Awe Jock that's  nice - are you  taking me tae the pub with you?”

“Nay,” Jock replied, “I'm switching the heating off while I'm out.”

*            *            *            *            *

And speaking of the Scottish,

If Scotland gains independence in the September referendum, the remainder of the UK will be then become known as the Former United Kingdom, or F.U.K. for short.

In a bid to discourage Scots from voting 'yes' in the referendum, UKIP are about to begin a campaign leading with the slogan, 'Please vote No, for F.U.K.'s Sake'!

They feel the Electorate will be able to relate to this sentiment, particularly those residing in the Inverness area.

*            *            *            *            *

It’s time for this week’s TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC

CIA ASSASSIN NEEDED

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman.  For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.  Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.  The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

“This gun is loaded with blanks” she said, “I had to kill him with the chair!”

*            *            *            *            *

Well, it is the end of February already and so 1/6^th of the year 2014 is already behind us. But it’s Friday and we have a nice weekend ahead of us to enjoy. So, do just that!

We’re looking forward to meeting our new grand nephew this Sunday during the gathering here of 4 generations of Taft men (well, … 3 men and one little baby).

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 14 February 2014

Greetings from New England on this very wintry day.  During the last 48 hours, Winter Storm Pax has hit the southeast of the U.S. and has been moving up the east coast and now it has become a “Nor’easter” here in New England. The storm has coated the eastern seaboard with lots of snow. It started snowing here in Vermont early Thursday morning. By Friday morning we will have received anywhere from 6 to 12 inches of new snow. That’s great for all the ski areas as next week is the February school vacation in most New England states and so there will be lots of skiers on the slopes.

My mid-week pass is not valid next week. So, I’ll take the week off from skiing and rest up for a week of skiing with older brother Nate the following week in Colorado. So, take note: there will be no TGIF message on the 21^st or 28^th. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t have to forward me any material. I’m really running low on stuff that hasn’t already been used a half dozen times.

The Sochi Winter Olympics began last week and are in full swing. So far, Norway is leading in the medals, although Canada, Russia, USA and Germany are not far behind. Not bad for a country of about 5 million people, heh!

Many people like to watch the figure skating; while others like the skiing events. I’m especially interested in both the men’s and women’s hockey this time.  It should be Team Canada versus Team USA in the women’s gold medal game; while the men’s hockey tourney seems wide open. Sweden, Finland, Russia, Canada and the USA all seem to have good teams with a chance to medal.

Let’s see what I’ve got to share with you today!

The week’s notable quote:  

Zimbabwe’s “President For Life” Robert Mugabe said: ''I want the people of Africa to treat me the same way as they treated Nelson Mandela ''. 

Morgan Tsavangirai (Leader of the Opposition) immediately responded: "What a great idea, let’s start with 27 years in jail!”

*            *            *            *            *

WISDOM OF THE JEWS

There was once a wise Jewish man. He said that the essence of all wisdom is what you have in your head! 

His name was Solomon.

Then came another wise Jewish man. He said that the essence of all is what you have in your heart!!   

His name was Jesus. 

Then came a third wise Jewish man. He said that the essence of all is what you have in your stomach!!!

His name was Marx.

Then came another wise Jewish man – wiser than all before – Einstein.

He said everything is relative!!!!

*            *            *            *            *

CHINESE FOOD

According to the Jewish Calendar, the year will be
5768.

According to the Chinese calendar, the year will be
4705.

That means that for 1,063 years the Jews went
without Chinese Food.

Those were known as the Dark Ages.

*            *            *            *            *

INVESTMENT TIPS FOR 2014

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2014:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

*            *            *            *            *

THE GOLDEN SALOON

A guy comes home completely drunk late one night.

He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.  

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon.  Everything there is golden.  It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.

She calls up the place to check her husband's story.  "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do."  "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do."  "What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!" 

*            *            *            *            *

HILLBILLY STRIPTEASE

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move; lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

(Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)

*            *            *            *            *

An Easy Guide To Keeping Newspaper Reading In Perspective:

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The Northwest Florida Daily News is used by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

*            *            *            *            *

It’s time for this week’s TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC

It’s indeed an old one but one that I received last week.

$7.00 SEX

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”

The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.”

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, “I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”

The man says, “We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and best of all....

Medicare pays $43 of it.

*            *            *            *            *

I am obliged to wish all you hopeless romantics a Happy Valentine’s Day today. Thank God It’s Friday, heh!?  At least you can celebrate that fact and that you’ve got a weekend ahead of you. Enjoy it!

Take care of yourselves until I launch my next issue in early March.

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 07 February 2014

Greetings from your TGIF guy at the end of another week. The Super Bowl is over and the Olympics (winter) are now beginning in Sochi. Hope they go well and that they are not disrupted by any untoward incidents! Sochi seems to be having some problems with not being totally ready and stray dogs and potential terrorists and bombs in toothpaste. Let’s hope it goes well!

I did receive a joke contribution for these Olympics a few weeks ago and I was not going to use it; however, I did receive the same one from about 3 or 4 of you since then. So, despite my misgivings, here it is:

The Olympics

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece. 

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, as Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her, she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia, that morphed into "Olympics."

Just thought I'd share this new-found knowledge with you!!

You're very welcome.

*            *            *            *            *

Honey, Please

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!

Men will get it the first time. 

 *            *            *            *            *

 HAVING A GOOD WIFE

An intelligent wife is one who spends so much that her husband can't afford another woman.

Cool message by a woman: "Dear mother-in-law, don't teach me how to handle my children.

I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement."

In an African safari, a lion suddenly bounced on Bob's wife.

Wife: "Shoot him! Shoot him!"

Bob: "Yes, yes. I'm changing the battery in my camera."  

What is the difference between mother and wife?

One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.

Husband and wife are like two tires of a vehicle.

If one punctures, the vehicle can't move further.

Moral: Always keep a spare tire....

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to sway around & no one teaches how to choose a wife.

Natural disasters just happen.

Message of the year:

Women live a better, longer and more peaceful life!!

Why?

Very simple...

A woman does not have a wife!!!

*            *            *            *            *

The Man That Gave Up Sex For Golf...

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a sinister looking stranger walks up beside the golfer and whispers, "To sink this putt, would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer casually says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay."

And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Before he has a chance to say a wish out loud, the stranger whispers in the golfer's ear, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies.

He makes the eagle and wins the match.

As the golfer is walking to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. You see, I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley."

*            *            *            *            * 

Why Our Great Grandparents Were So Happy...

Have you ever wondered why our great grandparents all had such fond memories of their youth?

Well... I'm surprised they remembered anything at all!!!

Forget Tums & Tylenol……….Forget Aleve & Benedryl.

Look at the cool stuff they had back then!

A bottle of Bayer's 'Heroin'.

Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine. It was also used to treat children suffering with a strong cough.

Coca Wine, anyone?

Metcalf's Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine on the market.

Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would also work as a medicinal treatment.

Mariani Wine.

Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of its time.  Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him all the time. He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal.

Maltine

.

Produced by the Maltine Manufacturing Company of New York. It was suggested that you should take a full glass with or after every meal. Children should only take half a glass.

A paperweight:

A paperweight promoting C.F. Boehringer & Soehne (Mannheim, Germany ). They were proud of being the biggest producers in the world of products containing Quinine and Cocaine.

Opium for Asthma:

At 40% alcohol plus 3 grams of opium per tablet. It didn't cure you... but you didn't care!       

Cocaine Tablets (1900).

All stage actors, singers, teachers and preachers had to have them for a maximum performance. Great to 'smooth' the voice.

Cocaine drops for toothache.

Very popular for children in 1885. Not only did they relieve the pain, they made the children very happy!

Opium for newborns.

I'm sure this would make them sleep well. (Not only the Opium, but also the 46% alcohol)

It's no wonder they were called, "The Good Old Days".  From cradle to grave... everyone was STONED!

*            *            *            *            *

Wooden Leg

Wisconsin Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to Wisconsin from Arizona.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00 a year!!!

When they arrived in Wisconsin, they went to Sven's Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple, "$39.00."

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in Wisconsin to insure, because it cost him$2,000.00 in Arizona!!!

Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here is it on the screen, direct from Ole's Wisconsin Fire Insurance Company, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler

system over it, is $39.00".

I always did find Wisconsin logic far superior to most others.

*            *            *            *            * 

Jewish Parrot

A lonely Jewish widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk ... vus machts du? Yeah, du."

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it.
The proprietor urged him, "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot!"

Meyer did. The African Grey cocked his little head and said, "Vus? Kenst sprechen Yiddish?" In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America; about how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride; about his family; about his years of working in the garment district and about Florida.

The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store; and how lonely he would get on the weekends. Eventually
they both went to sleep.

The next morning Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do the same. Meyer went out and had a miniature set of tfillin hand made for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew. So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him the Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.

One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was no place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven; could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed -- Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"

Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!" Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark.

Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I had tfillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Meyer, don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"

*            *            *            *            *

A Small Boy’s Question

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father: " Hey Dad, what's the difference between  'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His Dad thinks for awhile and then says "Right-o son...... go and ask your mother if she'd  sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. “Theoretically we could  be sitting  on  three  million quid. Realistically, we're living with two tarts and a poof.”

*            *            *            *            *

Time to bid adieu for another week. Wishing you all a great weekend! And good luck to our nephew’s wife Beth with her special delivery today. Hope all goes well!

Until next week, take care!

TGI-Jeff