Greetings from your TGIF editor on this Friday the 13th. The weather here is finally warming up. The last two days have been a lot warmer and I’ve managed to get out and play a few rounds of golf. We may get some rain today, but that is always welcome, too.
This week I also managed to get out a few times on my road bike. I hope to put many miles on it during this summer and take off some pounds!
The presidential campaign seems to be finally wrapped up by Hillary and “the Donald”, even though there are a dozen more primaries to go.
My Boston Red Sox are off to a great start and have won 4 or 5 in a row, scoring more than 10 runs in the last 4 games. The NBA playoffs are now getting down to some good match-ups as OKC will be taking on the NBA champion Golden State Warriors in the western finals and the Cleveland Cavaliers likely playing the Toronto Raptors in the eastern finals. The NHL (hockey) playoffs are also reaching the semi-final stage with St Louis, Pittsburg, Tampa Bay and San Jose battling it out on the ice for the Stanley Cup in the next weeks.
I’m sad to report the loss of my father-in-law, Hugh Taft, who died on May 3rd. He lived an amazing 92 years and was loved and respected by everyone who knew him. He and his wife Barbara lived for 67 years together and were separated by her death just 2 months ago. Now they are united again. I am so grateful for having those two as my in-laws and I will miss them both.
Let’s see what is in the joke bag for today:
Just Thinking
Not long ago GM was building cars in Flint, Michigan and you couldn’t drink the water in Mexico.
After 7 years of help from Obama and the US Government, GM now builds cars in Mexico and you can’t drink the water in Flint.
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WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”.
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
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In 1955 we didn't know how out of control the Economy was!
THE YEAR WAS 1955
Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter?
If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the
store.
When I first started driving, who would have thought gasoline would someday cost 25 cents a gallon? Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.
Did you see where some base ball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.
I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They're even making electric typewriters now.
It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.
It won't be long before young couples must hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.
I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.
Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.
The fast food restaurant is convenient for a quick meal, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
There is no sense going on short trips any more for a weekend. It costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.
No one can afford to be sick anymore. At $15.00 a day in the hospital; it's too rich for my blood.
If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a haircut, forget it.
The year was 1955!!!
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A Newfie Hooker
A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows
'Twenty dollars' she whispers
Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks So they hide in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them It is a police officer
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer
“I'm making love to me wife!” the Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'
'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!
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NASA
When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Your taxes are due again - enjoy paying them.
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Witty One-Liners
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd
eventually find me attractive.
eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for
freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the
computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive and
procrastinate all at once.
procrastinate all at once.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when
you wish they were.
you wish they were.
Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a
computer.
computer.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been
doing is gathering dust.
doing is gathering dust.
Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.
I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble
putting on your pants.
putting on your pants.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.
My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
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Psychiatrist and Proctologist
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time
and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would
open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would
open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was a psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was a proctologist;
so they put up a sign reading:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones : Hysterias and Posteriors.
so they put up a sign reading:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones : Hysterias and Posteriors.
The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.
This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign
to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go.
to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go.
Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives
- thumbs down again.
- thumbs down again.
Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good.
Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes
- unacceptable again!
- unacceptable again!
So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way.
Freaks and Cheeks - still no good.
Loons and Moons - forget it.
Freaks and Cheeks - still no good.
Loons and Moons - forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.
Everybody loved it.
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The "F" Word
When is @#$% acceptable?
There are only ten times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:
10. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
9. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
8. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877
7. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938
6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926
5. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
4. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?”
-- Michelangelo, 1566
3. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
1. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998
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It is time for the TGFI Golden Classic for this week:
Beware of the Old Cock
A farmer owns 25 young hens and one old cock.
As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market...
Old cock: "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity..."
Young cock: "What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired."
Old cock : "Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?"
Young cock: "No!! Not even one, all of them will be mine."
Old cock: "In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win, you shall allow me to have one hen. And if I lose, you will have all."
Young cock: "OKKK.. What kind of competition?"
Old cock: "50 meters run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters."
Young cock: "No problem. We will compete tomorrow morning."
In the morning the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock’s back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly..."BANG"!!!
Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer … who cursed:
"Hell, this is the 5th GAY cock I've bought this week ??"
Moral: Beware of senior experience in corporate politics !!!!!
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Hope you’ve enjoyed this issue. Time enough left to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
