TGIF - 27 April 2018

Greetings from your Friday guy who is enjoying the first week of spring weather here. I thought that it might be the year that I ski in the morning and play golf in the afternoon, but I wasn’t able to do that, although it might have been possible. My local ski area closed last Sunday. The local golf course opened before that but it’s been pretty wet. The course is in good shape and I look forward to getting out there soon. I also hope to get out on my road bike soon. Each year I swear that I’m going to get out on it by the 15^th of April, - - - but that doesn’t happen. Maybe by the first of May this year!

I need to get out and exercise and work seriously on losing some extra weight. I am really going to work on that this year. But going to Italy for my niece’s wedding (in June) and then on to southern France for a week after that, might be a challenge for those plans.

This past week I’ve been out in my yard raking and getting rid of old leaves and branches and will look forward to having a fire in my fire pit fairly soon. It’s so nice that Spring has finally arrived, after such a long and cold winter, that I just want to get out and clean up and get ready for the summer months.

And I hope to get out on the golf course soon. It seems to be in good shape and, although pretty wet, I look forward to walking and carrying my clubs for the first month.

I don’t use a caddy, but here are some good caddy comments:

Ten Best Caddy Responses

Number 10

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?" 

           

Number : 9 

Golfer:  "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." 

Caddy:  "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." 

             

Number : 8 

Golfer:  "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy:  "Yes . . . You miss the ball much closer now." 

             

Number : 7 

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" 

Caddy: "Eventually." 

             

Number: 6 

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." 

Caddy:   "I don't think so . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number: 5 

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." 

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass." 

           

Number : 4 

Golfer: "How do you like my game?" 

Caddy:   "It's very good - personally, I prefer golf." 

           

Number : 3 

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? 

Caddy:   "The way you play, it's a sin on any day." 

           

Number : 2 

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." 

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." 

             

And the Number : 1 

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." 

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

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Alphabetical Marriage

After 15 years of marriage, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot" he replied.

Smiling, she asked: What about IJK?

He replied: I'm Just Kidding!

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One Wish

A 75-year-old man is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices his staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition". 

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words" The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts ten - $10 bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older.)

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Why ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS:

1. Former Chicago Cubs and Montreal Expos outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. Upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Washington Redskins: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Oakland Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach said: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, former Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told one of his players who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costaswhy he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

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It’s Just “Fred”

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies. 

'Fred what?' the officer asks. 

'Just Fred,' the man responds. 

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. 

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. 

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' 

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. 

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' 

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

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Phyliss Dillerisms

She was one of my favorites. She referred to her husband as “Fang”. She was one of the original female TV comedians.

 Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? 
-Phyllis Diller
 
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. -Phyllis Diller 

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller
 
Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out. 
-Phyllis Diller 

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. 
-Phyllis Diller
 
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. 
-Phyllis Diller  (I love this one John) 
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. 
-Phyllis Diller
 
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. 
-Phyllis Diller 

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. 
-Phyllis Diller
 
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. 
-Phyllis Diller  
 
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. 
-Phyllis Diller
 
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. 
-Phyllis Diller  
 
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. 
-Phyllis Diller
 
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. 
-Phyllis Diller 

My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me. 
-Phyllis Diller
 
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. 
-Phyllis Diller  
 
Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle -  keep away from children. 
-Phyllis Diller
 
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' 
-Phyllis Diller 

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. 
-Phyllis Diller
 
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. 
-Phyllis Diller

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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic:

The Price of a Brain

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in and said "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news; the only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

One of the family members asked "how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$ 5,000 for a male brain, and $ 200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled and said "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of female brains, because they've actually been used.... the male brains are hardly ever used by the owners. So they are as good as new!"

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Time left to wish you all a Fantastic Friday and a Wonderful Weekend!!!

Don’t forget to forward me the good jokes/stories that you receive. I can only keep doing this with your assistance.

Until the next time, be good!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 20 April 2018

Greetings from your Friday guy from the place that just doesn’t want to accept that it is supposed to be the spring season. Spring (scientifically) arrived one month ago. However, it is still winter here. It remains cold and keeps snowing. The sun is high enough in the sky so that the snow doesn’t accumulate much anymore, but parts of Vermont are going to get anywhere from 1 to 4 inches of snow TODAY, April 20^th. It is Earth Day in a few days and yet, it is still winter here. The weatherman the other day announced that “April in Vermont has been cancelled this year!”

What can I say? I thought that this year might be the year that I ski in the morning and play golf in the afternoon. That might have been possible last Friday as the golf course tried to open that day. But then we got more snow and cold. At least it looks like it’s going to warm up to the 40s or even 50s this weekend! Nice.

With this awful weather, it’s been hard for the local spring sports teams to get going. And the major league baseball season seems to be starting earlier each year and this year started in March. However, they have had plenty of games postponed due to snow. My Boston Red Sox have had a great start and have won 15 of their first 17 games, a record. Their game on Patriots Day in Boston was called off due to cold weather this last Monday. But that was the day of the running of the Boston Marathon. It was also the 5^th anniversary of the horrible bombing at the finish line which killed several and maimed hundreds. Despite the bad weather, an American woman won the woman’s race and a Japanese man won the men’s. A lot of US men and women finished in the top ten. An American woman who just started to run long distances recently and just barely qualified for the Boston Marathon managed to finish second. She had no idea. The officials said to her “You finished second!” and she asked “in what division?” They had to convince here that she was the second woman!

The NBA (basketball) and NHL (ice hockey) playoffs have begun and so that are many good games to watch. My Boston teams, the Celtics and the Bruins, are doing well so far. Let’s see. I also follow the European Champions League and that is now in the semi-final stage. My heart is with Liverpool.

But, let’s return to the opening of the baseball season here in the U.S.

Two boys from Illinois did what almost any diehard Cubs fan would do: They skipped school to get to the home opener this week. Tucker and Gunner Speckman tempted fate with a sign that caught a lot of attention, WQAD reported. It said ‘Skipping school. S-h-h-h, don’t tell Principal Versluis.’ The sign was intended to get them on television. It did its job and got the attention of the MLB, which posted it to its Twitter account. But Tucker and Gunner weren’t alone at the game Tuesday. Little did they know Principal Patrick Versluis, the same principal on the sign, also skipped school. He actually called off sick so he could take his son to the first home game of the season. As much as the boys probably didn’t want to see the administrator, he didn’t want to see his students either.

I later heard (as this was all over the media this past week) that all was forgiven as the two brothers were A students. But I wonder if the principal had a day “docked” of his salary.

*            *            *            *            *

A recent WHO study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it. 

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Latest Happenings Reported from an Assisted Living Center

The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat in a central dining room. One morning, one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and he just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room, he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine and that he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
Make sure to send this to all children and caregivers so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.

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Two Old Casual Friends

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. 

Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.   But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.   

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

 A month passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold -- there sat Russ.

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.  Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail' cried Sam. ‘Whatever for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'What about her?'

'Well, the little gold-digger figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me  .

At 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ' guilty '  ‘  

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

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The Psychiatrist versus the Bartender

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone hiding under my bed at night.  So I went to a shrink and told him:

“I've got problems.  Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.”

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
 
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
 
“How much do you charge?”
 
“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
 
I said, “I'll sleep on it.”
 
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
 
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
 
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.  A bartender cured me for $10.00.
 
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
 
"Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
 
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.  Ain't nobody under there now.”
 
It's always better to get a second opinion.

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WAR OF 1812 AT WALMART 

     Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veteran cap to Wal-Mart.  There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to "Wally World" to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. 

     Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment.  But, I digress, . . enough of my psychological fixations.

     While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"

"No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?"

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812 . . ."

I thought it was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"

     God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity . . "1946", I answered, as straight-faced as possible.

     He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1946?"

"It was a Black Op.  No one is supposed to know about it."  This was beginning to become fun!

     "Dude!  Really?"  He exclaimed.  "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

      I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure.  I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

     "Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome!  But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really.  The other guys were wearing white camouflage."

The moron nodded knowingly.

     "Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this.   It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

     "Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look . . "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

     With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.  The lady behind me started laughing so hard I thought she was about to have a heart attack.  I just grinned at her.

     After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. 

     Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction.   

     Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture.  He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

     And these people VOTE!

     What a great time!  Tomorrow I'm going back, wearing my Homeland Security cap.

     Then the next day I will go to the driver's license bureau wearing my Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty the place.

     Whoever said retirement is boring?  You just need to wear the right kind of cap!

See you guys at Walmart!!

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TYPES OF SEX

1.  PENSION SEX

Two men were talking.

"So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex."

"Pension sex?"

"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

2.  LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,

"I've got a big problem, doctor.  Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural."

"I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

3.  QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,

"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"

4.  ARGUMENT SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40^th wedding anniversary.

The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever.'"

"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

5.  WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

6.  ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 97 year old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 97, if he could still have sex...he could also probably fly.”

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Okay, even though some of the above are also oldies, it’s time for this week’s designated TGIF Golden Classice:

Afternoon Delight and a Popsicle

The only way to pull off an​ afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

"An ambulance just drove by!

Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

Matt's riding a new bike!

Looks like the Sanders are moving!

Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

                

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.  Dad cautiously called out,

 "How do you know they're having sex?"

 "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

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Kids are so smart. A lot smarter than we give them credit for. They are great “observers” and are not afraid of telling it like it is!

Art Linkletter used to say that “Kids Say the Darndest Things”! It’s true!

All I have left to say is for you all to have a Fantastic Friday (my favorite day of the week!) and that is to be followed by a wonderful weekend!

And let’s hope that it warms up here in these parts and that we can get outside and enjoy our short spring.

Until the next time,

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 13 April 2018

Greetings from the TGIF guy who apparently has taken a month off. I hope I don’t get my pay docked! The last time I issued a Friday message was just after the beginning of Spring. The only problem is that now, 3 weeks later, spring still hasn’t arrived here in Vermont and snow and sleet are predicted for this weekend. In addition, many of my local friends insist that I have dropped them from my TGIF address list because they haven’t received a TGIF message in several weeks. Don’t worry. I’m just letting the good material mount up before going to the trouble. Also, I’ve had the visit of my youngest son (Phil) from San Diego in early April and that kept me happily busy. Jonathan also joined us last weekend. So, I don’t apologize for the lack of output. You, on the other hand, should apologize for not sending me any useable material recently.

I normally draft these things on Thursday night. But I guess I was too tired from skiing yesterday to do it. But also there was a Yankees-Red Sox game on, too. And one day after they had a bench-clearing brawl on the field. So, I wanted to watch the “rubber match” of this initial 3-day series last night. The Sox won it and therefore won 2 out of 3 in the short series. They still have 16 games to go against each other and it should be interesting (right, Fred?). They both have good squads this year and it will be a battle.

Also, last night was the first game of the NHL (hockey) playoffs and so I kept jumping over to the Boston Bruins game against the Toronto Maple Leafs. The Bruins won 5 to 1. It’s also the European Champions League competition on entering the semi-finals. Liverpool beat ManCity this week and they advance. So did Bayern Munich, Real Madrid and Roma, who upset Barcelona. Those pairings will be announced as I write this. I just checked. It’ll be Real Madrid versus Bayern Munich and Liverpool versus Roma. Go Liverpool!!!

So, what have I been doing while waiting for Spring to arrive in Vermont. Well, I continue to ski, although yesterday may have been my last day. I was wondering if this year I was going to be able to ski in the morning and play golf in the afternoon. But it now doesn’t look like that is going to happen. I still have some pockets of snow on my lawn and the golf course will take some time to dry out. But there is still plenty of snow on the ski slopes. Just not enough skiers to take advantage of that and make it financially worthwhile for the resort owners.

Let’s see if three weeks was enough time for you all to send me some good stuff to use. Oh, and happy Friday the 13th for all you suspicious ones!

Fishing

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and fishing equipment, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house and slipped back into bed, where my wife was turned away from me. I whispered to her, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 20 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?"
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing. 

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Golfing and Hooters

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to New York State, the other to Florida.  They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf. 

At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.

Where you wanna go?

Hooters.

Why?

Well, you know, they got the broads with the big racks and the tight shorts and the legs!

OK.

Ten years later at age 40 they play.

Where you wanna go?

Hooters.

Why?

Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.

OK."

Ten years later at age 50 they play a round of golf.

Where you wanna go?

Hooters."

Why?"

The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking!

OK.

At age 60 they play a round of golf.

Where you wanna go?

Hooters."

Why?"

Wings are half price!

Ok"

At age 70 they play a round of golf.

Where you wanna go?

Hooters.

Why?

They have 6 handicapped parking spaces right by the door.

OK.

At age 80 they play a round of golf.

Where you wanna go?

Hooters.

Why?

We’ve never been there before.

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Dating Ads for Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper.

FOXY LADY
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, early 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. 

*            *            *            *            *

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,  Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem. 

*            *            *            *            *

SERENITY NOW
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

*            *            *            *            *

WINNING SMILE
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

*            *            *            *            *

BEATLES OR STONES
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

*            *            *            *            *

MEMORIES
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

*            *            *            *            *

MINT CONDITION
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

AND FINALLY 

A lady in the Villages in Florida (a senior retirement community), was sitting on a bench, near another bench with a gentleman sitting on the bench.  She asked him if he was new to the community and he said, "No, I have owned a condo here for 20 years".

She then said, "I have been here for 15 years and I have never seen you around!"

He then said, "I have been in prison for the last 17 years!"  She was stunned and finally asked him what he had done. He said that he had murdered his first wife!

She was stunned again and after a long pause she said,

“So you're SINGLE???”

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

I know that the following one is an old one. But I do love the puns.

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table  was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because  it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are  looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism  is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'  The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive..'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope  that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

The Receptionist

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked more like a Sumo wrestler than a woman.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,

“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE.  YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause!

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

SHOPPING AT TIFFANY’S.
 
A lady walks in to Tiffany's.  She looks around, spots a beautiful gold bracelet and goes over to inspect it.  As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.  Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'oops', and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.  Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's.
 
He politely greets the lady with, 'good day, Madam.  How may we help you today?
 
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
 
He replied, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to s**t when I tell you the price.
 
 *            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Sympathetic  Hubby
 
This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.  There are two sheriff's deputies there.  He asks if there is a problem.  One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.  The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.
 
The sheriff says, "I'm very sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
 

The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality, and she's an excellent cook."

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

I guess that is long enough for this edition. Some old ones but those are sometimes the best.

Time to wish you all a wonderful weekend. I don’t usually issue one of these on Fridays and here it is already Friday evening; so those of you east of the Greenwich Mean Line will get this on Saturday. Oh well. I’ll try to do better the next time. Maybe next week.

Until then, be good.

TGI-Jeff