TGIF – 5 August
Greetings from your Friday guy at the end of this first week of August. Dianne and I have been working hard to get all our ‘ducks in a row’ for our wedding which is next Thursday. T minus 6 days and counting. I think we’re doing pretty well. But, we are sure that there will be last minute things to take care of. Thank you to all you well-wishers who have sent kind congratulatory messages. We both feel so happy and blessed. Although some of our friends have been asking just why we are getting married. Yeah, I can understand that, in this day and age. But my answer has been pretty simple. It’s a four-letter word: love. And I can’t think of anyone else that I’d rather spend my golden years with! And I think (quite certain, actually) that she feels the same.
So, we will have our nuptials at the lawn of her lake house next Thursday with our kids and their spouses and Dianne’s 3 grandkids. Dianne’s son will be the Officiant. And then a nice dinner at the Inn at Weathersfield (where Joya and Chris wed in 2016) and where our family has always gone for special occasions. Then on next Friday and Saturday we will attend the Taft Family Reunion in North Shrewsbury, Vermont; so, I’ll have an occasion to introduce Dianne to the Taft clan, which has been a very important part of my life.
It's been really hot all over the US and now here also in New England. It got up to 95 here yesterday. The next days will be hot and humid, with some rain. We are still in a drought stage and can use the rain. In fact, there is a chance that it may rain a bit on all the days between now and our wedding day, which is forecasted to be sunny and between 78 and 89 degrees. Let’s hope so.
The Price of Gas???
This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent."
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly."
"Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."
* * * * * * * *
Olympics
The queen of Sardinia, named Gedophamee {pronounced Get-off-me}, was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.
In those days, believe me, the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing salt petre before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed :
"Oh! limp pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into
"Olympics".
Just thought I'd share this profound knowledge, in case you didn't know, how the word Olympics was coined...
* * * * * * * *
The Naked Man
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
"Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
* * * * * * * *
A Sardonic Senior Might Say:
My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up; but obviously there's a new strain out there.
It's not my age that bothers me; it's the side effects.
I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.
As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy efficient.
I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round... and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation, "Maybe next time", isn't the correct response.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
So you've been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won't take the vaccine because you don't know what's in it. Are you kidding me?
Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you're still as stupid as the first time.
There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.
* * * * * * * *
The Hair Dryer
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest seated beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"What is it you wish of me, my child?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, father, no one will question you."
When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
* * * * * * * *
SEX AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Frank?"
"Yes, I've come back as we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a fucking rabbit somewhere in Scotland"
* * * * * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic for this week:
AN EDUCATED DOG - KNOWS TOO MUCH
A young Irish boy goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money, he calls home.
"Dad" he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!
They actually have a program here in our institution that will teach our dog, Jack, how to talk!"
"That's amazing, "his father says. "How do I get Jack in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $10,000" the young boy says " and I'll get him in the course."
So his father sends the dog and $10,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home. "So how's Jack doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read ??"says his father. "No kidding! How do we get Jack in that program?"
"Just send $20,000, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog!!!
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Jack? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad" the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Jack was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading The Economic Times, like he usually does. Then Jack turned to me and asked,
"So, is your father still having an affair with that pretty lady Rachel who lives down the street?"
The father went white and exclaimed "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, dad!
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school and is now a politician.
* * * * * * * * *
So, before I end, I must tell you that Dianne and I went to the Weston Playhouse (in little Weston Vermont – home of the Vermont Country Store) on Wednesday night and saw Hair. It was fantastic. And to think the actors were probably born 30 to 35 years after it came out in 1968. We really enjoyed it and sang along as well.
Wishing you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend. I kinda doubt that you’ll be hearing from me next week. Meanwhile, as is the custom, I’m finishing this up with Santana’s Soul Sacrifice playing out my speakers in the background.
TGI-Jeff
