Greetings from your TGIF editor as we approach the end of year holidays on this penultimate Friday of 2013. I wish all of you “Happy Holidays and Happy New Year 2014”. Another big thank you goes out to all of you who have contributed material to this ongoing effort to put out a Friday TGIF message as we enter the 20th year of it’s existence.
Just like most of the country, this last week was very cold. The other morning it was minus 10 F here. I enjoyed former WFP colleague Bill Barclay’s post on Facebook, from about 20 miles west of here, on that morning as his thermometer (probably obtained when he was in Thailand or Indonesia) showed the red mercury below the lowest reading of about 10 degrees F (about minus 10 C) and I doubt it will recover from that “low point”.
One nice thing about this cold weather is that our garage becomes a supplemental refrigerator. But a few items I put out there last week actually froze!!!
I did go skiing a few days before the extreme cold hit and it was good. We had a foot of snow over last weekend and I went skiing on Monday. It was probably the best snow conditions at Okemo that I have seen there in the last 3 years. My legs are always very sore after the first few days of skiing, so I only skied about 6 runs on the first day (last Friday) and about 12 runs on Monday. Still, my legs are sore and especially when I have to take the stairs. But the only way to get in shape for skiing I’ve learned is to ski.
We look forward to the imminent arrival of our three kids in the next days to spend the Christmas week here with us! Last year, none of the 3 were able to get up here so we are especially looking forward to this. And Pam’s family will be with us for Christmas and the day after, when we’ll do our Secret Santa gift exchange. Looking forward to these good family times!
Last week in the TGIF, I used a contribution about gravestone markings. I received the following email from Pam’s cousin Bruce:
In the East Woodstock (CT) cemetery there is this other one that I found. (Sam says it's a well-known saying, but I hadn't seen it previously.)
Let not thy Dead
Forgotten Lie
Lest Man Forget
That They Must Die.
This is a Debt to God
That Due
Which I have Paid
And So Must You
By the way, I assume you know why infant diapers have such names as "Huggies" and "Luvs" while the adult brand is "Depends?"
Of course it's because if you poop in your pants while an infant, you are still hugged and loved, but if you do that as an adult, well.... it depends on who is in the will.
* * * * *
Happy Holidays!
With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ... I took a cab (taxi) home!
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!
Happy Holidays!
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A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds and $50,000.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
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THE EFFECT OF USING FOUR LITTLE WORDS – “I LOVE YOU SWEETHEART”
A group of a dozen women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.
Here are the replies:
01. Who the hell is this?
02. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
03. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??
04. What now? Did you crash the car again?
05. I don't understand what you mean?
06. What the f**k did you do now?
07. ?!?
08. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
09. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??
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Not a kid!
You're Not a Kid Anymore When...
You enjoy watching the news.
The phone rings and you hope it’s not for you.
The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.
People ask what colour your hair USED to be.
You're proud of your lawn mower.
You start singing along with the elevator music.
Your car has four doors.
You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style --TWICE.
8 AM is your idea of "sleeping in".
You write thank you notes without being told.
You start Christmas shopping in August.
You don't like to drive after dark.
You say the words "Turn that music down!"
You point out what buildings used to be where.
You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
* * * * *
Club
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"
The pigmy said, "Yes."
The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"
"I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."
* * * * *
Language
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "The trucker out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, head lights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
* * * * *
One day while playing golf, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It’s Jack and I’m okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile: “She won't know anything.
By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!" I said . . .
* * * * *
Grandad remembering the good old days .....
"When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to a corner store with $1, and I'd come back with 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs.
You can't do that now.
Too many freaking security cameras.
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A Father Attempting to Bond With His Son
I took my son out for his first pint.
Got him a pint of bitter - he didn't like it so I drank it.
Next I offered him a lager, he didn't like that either so I drank that one as well.
In desperation I gave him four other brands of beer, then a whisky and two others that I can't remember. I drank them all.
By the time we left, I was barely able to push the pram.
* * * * *
Murphy applied for a job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin
A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job.
"Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that?" "We both got 19 questions correct." "This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager: "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.'
You put down, ‘Neither do I’.“
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Another Romantic Christmas Story
I guess I'm just a softie---these romantic stories always get to me---
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
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Time for the Christmas TGIF Golden Classic
I wasn’t going to use this one, as it’s an old one. But since I received it in the past 2 weeks from a dozen of my most respected friends, who thought they were paying their TGIF dues, I’ve decided to use it. Partly to thank them and partly to hopefully scare off any more of you from submitting it, thinking you are paying your dues. (It doesn’t matter that I write this, I am 100% sure I will receive this joke at least one more time between now and the end of the year! It seems to always work that way!)
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "to get into heaven you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The paddy replied, "These are Carols."
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It’s time to close and wish you all a festive end of year/new year holidays!
And as it is the season of giving, don’t forget about “giving” some material to your TGIF editor so that we can keep this thing going for another 20 years!
Until next year, take care and peace,
TGI-Jeff
