Greetings on this last day of the work week. It’s the 17th (my favorite number) and a Friday! How can I top that! That’s a 2-for-1! I’m slowly using up all the material I have in store and may not issue one for a few weeks – so you have some time to “pay your dues” – by contributing some jokes to me. You wouldn’t want your subscription to run out! Or is it your Prescription? For some weekly humor. Take two TGIF messages tonight and call me in the morning! Unless you have a TGIF hangover. Then, take 2 aspirin and go back to bed!
Even today’s edition is full of oldies – so many that I can’t even select one or two as TGIF Golden Classics. I’m just counting on the fact that many of you in my peer age group will not remember many of these old ones.
Winter is gaining on us. We had a little snow yesterday – followed by rain and so it all disappeared. The ski areas in Vermont have been making snow this last week as the temperatures have gone below freezing. Where I live, in the Connecticut River valley, it’s been a bit above freezing during the days even if the nights drop below freezing. But the ski areas elevated areas have colder temperatures and can make snow and retain it. I haven’t been skiing yet, but maybe I will when I come back from Thanksgiving in DC.
And speaking of the approaching winter and cold temperatures …..
A Very Helpful State Trooper
People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor...
Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside, near Minot. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.
“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't," said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised!
Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."
* * * * * * * *
You Get Them at the Drugstore
"Words of the wise , spoken quietly , should be heard ." Ecclesiastes 9:13-18
Two lil' ol' ladies were outside a nursing home smoking when it starts to rain.
One lady pulls out a condom, cuts the end and puts it over her ciggy and continued smoking.
Her friend asks, "What is that?"
"A condom so my cig don't get wet."
"Where'd you get it?"
"You get them at drug store."
Next day, her friend goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for condoms. Surprised, he looks at her strangely as she is well over 80 yrs old but asks, "What brand?"
"Doesn't matter, as long as it fits a Camel."
"Where'd you get it?"
"You get them at drug store."
Next day, her friend goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for condoms. Surprised, he looks at her strangely as she is well over 80 yrs old but asks, "What brand?"
"Doesn't matter, as long as it fits a Camel."
* * * * * * * *
We all enjoy a good love story...
A SHORT, BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own fucking blanket!'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End.
* * * * * * * *
WHO DREAMS THESE UP?
A lexophile of course!
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.
* * * * * * * *
These have been around and used before; but I enjoy rereading them as they are classics.
The Art of Insult
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli,"whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
* * * * * * * *
I know of at least one TGIF member in Colorado who will be pleased that I am finally using the following one.
Three-legged Pig
So there was a farmer talking to an old friend at a bar after a long day of work.
"Did I ever tell you about my three legged pig?" His friend replies no.
"This pig is the best pet a man could ever have." "How so?" his friend replies.
"Well, one time, I was out working the field and my tractor flipped over and trapped me underneath. I would have died out there but the pig went and got help for me and saved my life. And then there was another time that our house caught on fire in the middle of the night and the pig woke me and my wife up and got us out of there before the whole thing burned down."
"Sounds like quite the pet!" His friend said, "but why does it only have three legs?"
The farmer gives and incredulous look and says, "A pet that good? You don't eat it all at once!"
* * * * * * * *
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads?
So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder,
'What horse's ass came up with this?' you may be exactly right.
'What horse's ass came up with this?' you may be exactly right.
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.
* * * * * * * *
Time to wrap this one up (on Thursday night) and go watch the Boston Celtics play the Golden State Warriors - - - the two teams with the best records in the NBA so far this season. In fact, the Celtics have won 13 straight after losing the first two games. Who will win? As Yogi Beara used to say, “I’m not good at predictions – especially about the future!” My guess is that the Warriors will win this one – but it should be a good game.
Speaking of sports – I can’t believe that Italy will not be in the World Cup. First time in more than a half a century. I can’t imagine what the reaction is in Italy. Siince Sweden beat them in the last match, I heard that Italians were going to boycott IKEA and not buy their furniture. Interesting.
I’ll end by wishing all of you who celebrate Thanksgiving, a very happy one with family and friends.
See you in a few weeks. Don’t forget to send me some material.
Have a nice weekend.
TGI-Jeff
