TGIF Jokes: October 2012

TGIF - 26 October 2012

Greetings from back down in the TGIF dungeon as we now approach theend of October. Even though many of you TGIF message recipients around the globe are having today (Friday, of course) off on holiday and may receive this or read it at a later date, I’ve decided to try and issue one today for those of you who expect one and will give me a hard

time, once again, if I shirk my responsibility too often. I say that without first looking into my inbox to see if I have material worth

providing. Let me have a peek.

Okay, I’ve pulled out a few that are presentable, and a few that are not, but I’ve buried those in the middle somewhere where many of you will not get to or skip over. I may be back on duty but my censor isnot. Some of you may appreciate that fact, while some of you may not.

Let me start off with this one that was sent in since my trip to Rome by a friend and former colleague who does not often send in

contributions but was reminded of this one when he saw my last TGIF’s reference to my having visited Rome.

* * *

After many years of teaching Latin in Catholic schools in the US, an elderly teacher made her first ever trip to Europe.

When she arrived in Rome she thought, “I wonder if my Latin will help me speak to all these Italians?”

So she went to Piazza Navona, approached an equally elderly and well-dressed gentleman and asked him some questions in fluent Latin.

She received no response and somewhat frustrated was about ready to leave when the gentleman turned towards her.

She was thrilled he was going to talk to her until he responded to her in perfect English: “Judging from your speech, it’s obviously been a long time since your last visit!”

* * * * *

GLADYS

Gladys failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Centre today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

Apparently, " 'F***ing' big ones," was the wrong answer.

* * * * *

The Dead Cow and Vet School

First-year students at the Edinburgh Veterinary School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered witha white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example' he said as he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger up the dead cow's bum, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.'

'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

* * * * *

I think I see a theme emerging here, about veterinarians.

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.

It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this?

How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

* * * * *

All Saints Day is next week and thus, so is All Hallows Eve, or Halloween. So, let’s see if I can scare you.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of thestreet toward him.

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP....

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

clappity-BUMP...

right on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the bathroom door.

Bumping and clapping toward him...

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and, (hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops!!!!!

(I don’t write them, I just pass them along.)

* * * * *

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

* * * * *

Here is an updated version of an old one; this time in the context of Afghanistan, a British soldier and a Taliban.

THE BRITISH WAY

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If youcontinue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need.

Inshallah."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration &rasped .... "They won't let me in without a bloody tie!”

* * * * *

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely. Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

* * * * *

OUT FISHING – or the tale of the big Bic lighter

Bob and Ralph were out fishing on the lake when Bob pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ralph if he had a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Ralph replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter that was 10

inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Bob, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Ralph, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Bob asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ralph.

'Could I see him?'

Ralph opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the Genie, Bob says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Bob asks the Genie for a Million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Bob sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of ….. A million ducks..... flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks, Bob yells at Ralph, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks,

not a million ducks!'

Ralph answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

* * * * *

I don’t get it!!!???!!!

So, now it’s time for the TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC:

BRAN FLAKES

Geoff and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty

years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because

they carefully watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to

Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another

holiday vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He

took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks,

with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A

maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They

gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be

your home now.'

Geoff asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why,

nothing,' St. Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in

Heaven.'

Geoff looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf

course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?' grumbled Geoff.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Geoff. This is Heaven, it is all

free for you to enjoy.'

Geoff looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the

low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as

much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Geoff.

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again'

Geoff glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your Bloody Bran Flakes. We

could have been here ten years ago!'

* * * * *

Heaven looks like a nice place but not sure I’ll get in. Besides most

of my friends are probably going to that other place, anyway.

I hear that the East Coast of the USA could be in for a big storm in a

few days – seems to be the combination of a tropical storm coming up

the coast, colliding with some other fronts coming in from the Midwest

and the North. We may have to batten down the hatches again.

There was an earthquake not all that far from here (the epicenter was

in Maine) about 10 days ago that we felt here, with the floor shaking

and so forth. We don’t have them that often in New England.

I wish all my Muslim friends a happy Eid holiday.

For the rest of you, have a fantastic Friday, wonderful weekend and a

Happy Halloween!

Seeya later.

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 19 October 2012

[Note: Yesterday (October 18) was Jeff's birthday. He decided to take a well deserved break to be with family and friends to celebrate this wonderful day.

Congratulations, Jeff! You deserve the break.

You are now receiving last week's edition.]

Greetings from the Friday guy. I see that the last TGIF message I sent

was on 23 August. Wow! So, you must be wondering where I’ve been or

what excuses I have to allow me to have such a long break. Well, let

me try to come up with some reasons for neglecting this Friday hobby

during these last 7 weeks.

The last week of August, I went with several other members of our

local country club down to work as volunteers at the PGA FedexCup

TPC/Boston tournament. It was great fun seeing many of the best

golfers on the PGA tour, up close. After being home for a few days, I

then took off for Portland Maine where I joined a Colorado Heartcycle

group in an organized 8-day bike tour from Portland to Rockport,

Massachusetts and back to Portland, all along the New England

coastline. We had great weather and we did between 50 and 60 miles per

day. There were about 30 people in the group, many couples who rode

tandem bikes. The only downside was that my roommate snored worse than

I do!

By the time I returned home, I had a bad bronchitis, but no time to

waste as Pam and I had planned a trip to Ireland and Rome to reunite

with old UN & WFP friends and colleagues. We spent a great week in

each location, seeing lots of old friends and catching up with them.

Ireland was much cooler than Rome, but we didn’t have too much rain. I

enjoyed driving in Ireland (we were mainly in West Cork and Kerry

(Dingle)) (although many of the more rural roads are very narrow!) and

spent just enough time in Dublin to visit the tourist places, Trinity

College, etc. and the Guinness brewery – of course!

The weather in Rome was warm – great. I saw many current WFP staffers

at the HQ, as well as a few fellow retirees. We stayed with friends

George and Victoria Heymell during our Rome stay, which was great!

After my starting the TGIF message in Rome in 1995, it was George who

took it over in mid-1996 when I left Rome for Pakistan. A year later,

when George left Rome for Angola, it was Amir Abdulla who took it

over for a year before he assumed more important functions. As by

1998, WFP had email connectivity worldwide; I was then able to resume

editing and issuing a weekly TGIF message from where I was in the

field.

Somehow I got persuaded to continue issuing one even after my

separation/retirement from WFP. I think I need to get a better agent and better

deal!

It was nice to return home last week, but not nice enough to sit down

and do some work at selecting joke contributions for a TGIF last week.

So there, that brings us up to this week! Satisfied with all those

excuses??? Hope so. I’ll try to be more regular in the future.

Since we were in Rome a few weeks ago, I thought I’d start with this one.

When in Rome …..

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a

Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into

the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by so he stops to watch the throngs of people giving

money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar

holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and

says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic

country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to

give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you,

especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.

In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of

spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and

turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, would you look

at who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

* * * * *

Here’s an updated version of an old one that has been received in

conjunction with Angela Merkel’s current visit to Greece:

Angela was stopped at the border on her way to Greece for her current

visit. The border guard had a few questions for her:

Guard: "Name?"

Merkel: "Angela Merkel"

Guard: "Nationality?"

Merkel: "German"

Guard: "Occupation?"

Merkel: "No, just visiting"

* * * * *

Don't Mess With Lawyers

A lawyer defending a man in New York accused of burglary tried this

creative defence: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window

and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I

fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence

committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your

logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to 5 year's imprisonment. He can

accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his

lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the

bench, and walked out.

...Don't mess with Lawyers

* * * * *

My trip to the store

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was

ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing

me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland

Security running amok,

I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out

that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

* * * * *

Here in the U.S.A, we are less than 4 weeks away from the election of

our next president, all the representatives and 1/3 of the senators,

plus lots of state positions as well, as well as some local ones, like

justices of the peace and dogcatchers. The 50 states each have a

tendency to vote republican or democratic and states have become known

with the color representing the predominant party in that state: red

for republican and blue for democrat. The blue states are mainly in

the northeast and on both coasts, while the red states are in middle

America and the south.

While I try to avoid too much politics in my TGIF messages, simply for

the humor involved in the below contribution from a citizen of the

Enlightened States of America (E.S.A.) I share his/her message with

you today.

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've

decided we're leaving.

We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the

other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon,

Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of

the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially

to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America

(E.S.A).

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.

You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states

pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the

Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a

bunch of single moms.

With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the

country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92%

of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can

serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of

the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living

redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools

plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese

Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US

mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99%

of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush

Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by

a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death

penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that

Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you

are people with higher morals then we lefties.

We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,

Citizen of the Enlightened States of America

* * * * *

A New Senior Pick-Up Line

A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale

cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an

expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower

in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies).

The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink,

takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, beautiful, do I come

here often?"

* * * * *

Marriage and Divorce in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in

a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting

for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began

to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in

Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone

has asked. Let me go find out."

The couple sat and waited for an answer... For a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were

allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with

the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work?

Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed.

St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he

informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things

don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a

priest up here! Do you have ANY idea of how long it'll take to find a

lawyer?"

* * * * *

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my

bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him 'I've got problems.

Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.

I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.

'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid

of those fears'.

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll think about it,' I said.

Six months later, I met the doctor on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful

lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.

I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,

did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

* * * * *

I see from my tgifJeff inbox that I have about 10 regular contributors

of potential TGIF material. What about all the rest of you? You all

need to try a little harder. Remember, there is no such thing as a

free lunch (except at schools being supported by WFP) so you need to

contribute.

Hope you all are well and doing fine. Fall is definitely here,

although the foliage colors are not spectacular. Maybe they peaked

when we were in Italy.

Have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 12 October 2012